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Well congratulations. Your dumbass made it to the top of my daily hate list. I thought dr. e had a lock on the top spot but your guy has temporarily knocked him off his perch. Forget the curb, I just want to kick his ass plain and simple. What a moron.
bev,
i haven’t read any posts except your first post. my two cents for what they are worth.
she already knows. a part of her already knows. if you tell her the truth, she will understand many things that didn’t make sense for her.
it will hurt, but i believe a difficult truth is better than a thousand easy lies.
So what else has he minimized in his minimal brain? Has he now convinced himself that by minimizing everything his life will be easier because he got away with it? Or at least it buys him time until he has to fess up. Fucking coward.
Mine does the same fucking thing. Nice things over so he can skate for a while. Fucking bastards.
bev, i hate him. mine does the same fucking thing too.
fuck. the nerve. i know you want to hurt me. jesus. it’s all about him isn’t it? everyone is out to get these poor fuckers. i feel so bad for them. not.Bev, if I were an old woman who cared deeply for her lovely daughter-in-law, I would want her to tell me the truth about my son. I would want it from my son, but if I couldn’t or didn’t get it from him, I would want it from my daughter-in-law, and if I didn’t get it from her, I would want it from someone. Anyone. I loved For Now’s list. Just show that list, or some version of your own, to your husband, and then tell him you are having lunch with his Mom, and are not going to lie about this anymore. Or, he can take your list and tell her first, but that you will follow up and make sure that his Mom knows what you want her to know:)
Sometimes my brain gets stuck in inanity. All day today the phrase “shitty ripples” has been running through my brain. Lisa, maybe there’s a song in there somewhere? Tiny bubbles, shitty ripples…could be a new classic. 🙂 Sorry to get off topic but I just had to get that thought out of my head.
Bev,
I told my ex’s only cousin.
I told an old friend of both of ours.
Last week end I told a 25 year mutual friend
I’m talking to a clergy couple next week about itEvery time I tell, I get a little piece of my life back.
As for the “i know you want me to hurt” remark. It’s such a profoundly shallow understanding of how we actually feel.
I mean, we actually want them to die slow painful deaths—-“hurt” doesn’t begin to scratch the surface if we are going down the punishment road. But most of us don’t go down that road, and that’s what makes this remark so insulting. They accuse us of being on that road, while diminishing what the punishment would actually be if we were going down that road.they really did penis whack their brains out.
Bev, please pay attention to who he is.
D.xo
I have been waiting for this guy to out himself and suddenly here it is. He doesn’t tell his mother the truth and he doesn’t want you to tell anyone the truth either. I have LONG suspected your husband’s motive is to keep his cover intact. You assist him in this, Bev, by covering for him with everyone. I know you don’t want your kids to know…..The fact that he is lying to people and wants you to lie as well says it all. You have him in a treatment program for addicts (even though you do not believe it is an addiction) Almost everyone in the western hemisphere knows rigorous honesty is the hallmark of treatment for any addiction. Where is the rigorous honesty here?? Tell your MIL the truth. It sounds like you may have been the only real positive in that woman’s life and now she has lost you, because he doesn’t want anyone to know he uses degrading phone sex and prostitutes? For crying out loud…you don’t need to post about this, Bev? You already know this is BS and what you should do about it? So just do it. I have always believed the minute you began to reveal his secrets, all that nice guy shit would be bets off. If he is still lying, he is still the same. Karen xx
Oh yeah, and I love the passing this stuff off as cheating. Makes him seem all normal and like your average philanderer. Except he isn’t. Your average philanderer doesn’t need women to berate him during phone sex. He is a sexual deviant and should describe himself accordingly. I cannot handle philanderers buts lets be honest…behind everyone of them is a woman who lets him away with it? That is not the case with many of these guys. They are weirdos on many fronts and should NOT be able to pass off their insanity as simple “cheating”. They want to be seen as players because it is socially acceptable. Most are not.
Bev, it’ll be interesting to hear how your meeting goes. I wonder if she needs to know everything though. Maybe just enough for her to understand. She’s elderly, sounds like she’s been through a lot. The only reason I say to just say enough is she just may not fully understand the whole concept of SA and what that means. Not saying our older folks don’t always have a grasp on modern technology but it’s hard for some of us to get our heads around it and we’re stuck in the midst of it if that makes sense. I know I’ve had a hard time explaining why we broke up to a couple of close friends and you can just tell they thought I was overreacting till I actually explained some of the sordid details. I still dont think they get it to be honest. I dunno. I guess I would go with what feels right at the time.
I haven’t shared with my parents the shit that he’s done. They wouldn’t understand. They’ve never liked him apparently…but I just hear about that now! His parents have no clue we’ve separated and he’s been gone almost a year. I’m not going to tell them. I’ll be the monster that kicked him out because I know he won’t tell them the truth. Hell, if he won’t even admit there’s a problem to himself then I guess when he finally tells them it will be some made up shit. His dad called here for weeks trying to talk to him. I wasn’t going to lie for him. I didn’t feel it was up to me to tell his parents he didn’t live here anymore. Maybe wrong of me not to call them back so they would quit worrying but I didn’t want to risk telling them that their son was a piece of fucking shit scumbag that prefers fucking whores and playing with his dick every night instead of appreciating what was under his nose all along. Don’t think it would have gone over well.
I agree with Diane and cbs (after her lunch with a friend this week) ~ every time I tell someone I get a little piece of myself back. After a year I told my mil everything. I did not get the response I expected. She looked dumbfounded and then just wanted to talk about dumb stuff. She is so weird.
But I felt that they will be his support system when we are done and I know he would never be honest with them. Now they have the truth. He cannot hide in shame, blame me, or lie. I believe he is sick, and he may need their help one day. This disorder thrives in secrecy, his family is the first and easiest to tell. Write a letter if it would be too hard. Be specific.Stlpup nailed it I believe… “you can lie to the people that love you, but I’m not going to, which may get pretty awkward”
All of you with such perfect advice ( as usual). I have read all of it over and over.
Karen, maybe I did know or do know what to do but I will freely admit that I don’t want to tell her either. I really don’t. It makes me sick to think about it. Once she sent the card then I could no longer absolve myself of my responsibility.
My crazy doc ( I told him I called =hime that to you all and he got a kick out of it) said that H was absolutely sweeping the mess right back into my lap. He said to have a conversation with H ( like the one For Now suggested with the list). He also said that it was MY relationship with this women and she made it clear in her cared that she trusted me and loved me. He said that of course I had every right to respond to her myself if I wanted.
I had the conversation with H. He admitted just being scared shitless to actually tell his mother this shit ….Said he would. He said he would gather the whole family and tell them all with me present if that is what I wanted. He apologized for the comments about me wanting to hurt him etc…
I did not respond in much of any way. I just nodded and said okay.
I have not fully decided what I will do ( tell her myself or make him). I am still extremely angry and I do not want to have a conversation with his mother while I am in anger times 100000 mode.
He is not fucking hookers right now but if this is “recovery” then I will eat my shirt.
bev, i think it is ‘recovery’ (with sarcastic quotes), just not recovery (real recovery without the quotes)…
unfortunately, IMO, this IS what recovery for these guys looks like. no matter what, they were either broken in the first place, or they did so much damage to themselves, that they will never be whole.
there will always be something nutty, off, f’d up, about them.
and they fuck up till we freak out. then they back pedal and try to make up for it, once they realize, no i can’t get away with that. i’ll take it back.
too bad they rarely get it right the first time.
True…very true Lisa. My crazy doc says the same basically. It takes a TON of work for the “addict” to stop the behavior and then learn to cope and tell people ( rigorous honesty) and the biggie…figure out WHO they are.
Bev, I think this may be from the sounds of it, the first time your husband would have to be accountable to primary people in his life for his behavior?No lies, no secrets, just flat out transparency. I wouldn’t underestimate the healing power/benefit of him ( the achiever in the family, the one others look up to) stating the truth. When I read your last post, I thought, “Wow, that’s brilliant!” Hard, difficult, awful, traumatic, but definitely brilliant in terms of the healing and therapeutic effect for everyone involved. He gets the chance to be allowed to be a man, accept responsibility, and continue to recover. Will he take it? I”ve been reading Brene Brown’s books on shame. The reason he couldn’t talk to his Mom is shame. If he can do that with you in the room, shame loses and your husband has a chance and the validation and accepting responsibility and the comfort that could/would bring to you? OMG! I’m living vicariously just thinking about that:)
Bev I think your crazy doc is just wonderful. He is absolutely correct that this is a long, slow process. These guys have been little boys and they have to become men and that takes time. They have operated on the premise of whatever makes them feel good is OK regardless. This manifests in many behaviours so there is much to change. I have to be honest and say I really think your husband is giving it a good go. He has made lots of changes and you have acknowledged them. He has also made these changes in a relatively short period of time. Of course there are going to be times when the shame is too much but he would be better to be honest with you and tell you that he just can’t tell his mother and maybe ask for more time rather than lie. It is the lying that hurts.
My husband had an interesting therapy session yesterday. The focus of it was his shame and how his shame is causing him to disconnect and not enjoy the things he once did, how it has taken all motivation from him and if he doesn’t deal with the shame he will relapse.Courtney – I like your positive take on this as I myself, had a much more negative reaction. I’m thinking – great, now, he is willing to tell so he gets the credit for saying he will tell, knowing there is a high probability that Bev will do it herself b/c she is close to his mother and wants to protect her in some way. Maybe I’m wrong but that is what the thoughts were running through my head.
Bev, tell him to tell. Your story is about how it affects you and that is the one you should tell his mother.
I’m really sick of hearing and talking abOut their fucking shame. They do sick, perverted, disgusting stuff. They use their families as a front. They dump their shame and blame on usand are willing to let us carry it for as long as they can get away with it. Then, when they get caught, it becomes all about their shame…their fucking shame…and when we express our pain and anger, when we DARE to speak of their actual deeds, We get accused of SHAMING them. They should be ashamed, and they should carry their own shame. They should feel it fully, get to the bottom of it, deal with it. Instead, it becomes their excuse for everything.
Bev, if he is willing then I would absolutely make him do it and I would be there when he did. It also will mean more to MIL coming from him
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