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We went round and round with this and the two therapists we were seeing. I wanted him to tell his parents as an excercise in humility – own the shame. Plus I was avoiding my in laws and she was leaving nasty voice mails. I was too shook up to deal with her. He drove down 2-3 times, and never told thm anything. He couldn’t do it. He is perfect Peter in his moms eyes. He is too much of a narcissist to look less than perfect, especially in front of the queen of narcissism.
Now she knows. He just spent a week in floria with them and I asked him if they talked about our divorce or me? Not once~ I, his naughtiness,our kids, or the fact that he moved out never came up in discussion!
His sister ( who I thought was the most normal) told him that she Nd her husband have been swinging for years!!!! The whole family is a cess poolBorrowing from SL again. Oh gawd Heidi. What was the freaking point in telling his family? Sounds like there was a whole bunch of back slapping going on. I’m glad you can get away from that genetic cesspool.
Heidi,
A classic case of ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’. I would AVOID these toxic people.
Love, NapYou don’t have to shut up Karen. It is a HUGE part of my anger too. My best friend just shakes her head , completely baffled at what all I did and then what he did. She has been a part of our family even before we were married so she has been a part of our lives forever….
Courtney, I never looked at it that way. Of course he admitted the shame part AFTER I confronted him AGAIN. I’m with March. I don’t give a mother fucking rat’s ass about their shame. That is their problem. I may waffle about hurting my MIL or my kids hearing gory sex tales, but I will not worry or carry his shame.
I think he should gather the whole bunch and tell it all using For Now’s list and I will be present. The more I think about it the more I like it. Yes, it is my PAIN to share if any of them want to hear it. I would gladly speak with any of them later about that if they are interested. He needs to tell his story to his family.
If I can get this set up then I will try to secretly record the whole thing so I can all the details and remember them ….I will certainly post that one 🙂
I do not believe he can do it. I don’t think he has it in him. I think he threw it out there hoping to shut me up. Maybe I’m wrong but we shall see…
I think I did not make myself clear in my post? I in no way believe or meant to imply that Bev has any shame for her husband’s choices and behavior. I in no way meant to imply that her husband’s shame is something she is responsible for or concerned about. I meant that is his issue and he will deal with it or not. I meant that if I were in that situation, I would be validated from him admitting to his family what his behavior was, essentially leaving me out of it and letting them know all of this is about him.
I’m sorry if my post caused any hard feelings, please accept my apology.
As an aside, on the occasions when I DO feel shame about anything, warranted or not, if I feel it, then it’s there, whether I want it or not. And I will not allow myself to be tired of talking about it, because for me, it’s the only way to get rid of it, and do what I need to go forward. That is something I have learned about myself. That may be different from any of you or all of you, but I am glad to know that about me:)Courtney, I guess I’m the one who wasn’t clear. That wasn’t directed at you. It was just a general comment about how disgusted and tired I am of hearing THEM and THEIR THERAPISTS talk about THEIR FUCKING SHAME, and of their shame being something we’re all supposed to bow to.
You know, Courtney, you bring up an interesting point about talking about your shame. I’m an extrovert and get my energy from other people so talking about my problems (before SA), is how I get through things. Since SA, I obviously have to be careful about who I talk to but I still find safe places to talk such as here, my therapist, good long-time friends, writing in my journal, etc. So, I’ve always thought that it was just my personality to talk but maybe that is part of this disease – they keep their shame & guilt bottled up inside. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not excusing them, just trying to understand. And I know we get tired of focusing on them but for me to understand will help me in my recovery and future relationships. Maybe I shouldn’t just assume someone doesn’t want to talk b/c they aren’t a talker like me, maybe they don’t want to talk b/c they feel such shame that they can’t talk about it?
courtney I’m a talker too. I wasn’t for about 2 years, I guess I’m feeling stronger.
Ultimately telling my in-laws helped me the most. I see them for who they really are. And I understand where my h gets his ability to hide and live in secrets. When I told my mil everything, I was trying to save my husband and marriage. What did she do? Never ever talk to me or him about any of it. Wow, thanks for all the support! My family on the other hand, calls to check on me and the second thing they ask is how is peter doing? My dad still can’t figure out why peter’s dad hasn’t reamed him and his brother out for their behavior. My brothers would have heard from my dad, and been held accountable.
I thought peter’s parents would have reacted differently. Another surprise.Now if my daughter or son in law came to me and told me the same thing about my son or daughter how would I handle it? How would you handle it? I would be talking to my kids, helping them get help, be angry with them for hurting their families, and doing what I could to help my son or daughter in law. I would not ignore the good part of their family or avoid them. Especially if they came to me for help.
For me telling them has given me a lot of clarity. I didn’t create this mess, I wont pretend it doesn’t exist. Just like I see a different person in my stbx, their true colors have blown me away.
FC, read Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It’s not a book about SA’s or addicts. It’s about people and shame. And SA’s are people, too, even if we don’t want to admit that most of the time:)
Heidi, we would handle it very differently, wouldn’t we? So sorry that happened. They sound like they collectively have the emotional maturity of a two year old! I can’t even imagine covering up the subject as the parent of an adult child, once it came to my attention.Tell her. Spare her the details, but tell her. My H disclosed his problem to his parents and all of his siblings. He didn’t do it the right way, but in his feeble attempt to take responsibility, he did it. My mil calls me periodically to check on me and ask how things are going. She is 82 and just doesn’t really get this stuff, but who really does… Everyone responds different, but I think the level of detail you give her will impact her response to you. I found throwing bread crumbs helped instead of the whole loaf at her head. She calls me more than him.
My dad wonders why his father hasn’t lost his mind on him. My dad took my husband out and let loose on him. He held him accountable and didn’t let him off the hook – he has a therapist to do that. I am grateful for my feisty 71 year old dad and his no-nonsense approach to life.
I am pretty open about the situation. I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong or have anything to hide. I don’t publicize it either. I don’t own the shame and the only thing I am to blame for is marrying the wrong guy!Thanks Paulette…
Either he will tell her or I will. I would not throw gory details her way. For Now’s bullet points says it all pretty clearly and leaves out some gory stuff.
My dad and brother will forgive my H when I do. They will accept what I decide. They will also kill him if I ask. My H knows this without a doubt.
One phone call home with me crying and I wouldn’t give you a nickel for H’s next breath ever being drawn.
This talk is soooooo long overdue.
I’m glad Bev he’s doing it.
You’ll get your mil fully on Team Bev like the rest of us are 🙂
Dear Bev,
I think it’s good that your MIL have a general understanding of what has happened to you. And more importantly, the damage her son has caused. whichever you decide to tell her, i think is great. and i love your stance on your sah’s shame factor. too bad. so sad. the end. you sound strong, and that’s so great!
but keep in mind, MIL is a classic enabler. she was married to an alcholic abuser type. and struggles with guilt of not protecting her children enough.
classic enablers deny the truth. minimize. she has done this a great deal of her own life, just to survive.
the result? really really fcked up kids. now adults.
just dont’ be surprised if denial and minmizing your reality and pain, and HIS actions, comes up. it’s already in the DNA.
honestly. play careful. and realize even if you provided proof positive photos, you may not get the reaction you want.
but it does sound, like she really cares for you and genuinely misses you, and had a hard life herself.
but the parents of these monsters. well, if they accept the truth of their behavior, it only means one thing– they failed as parents. MIL, and FIL, will deny severity, at any cost. so they can live with themselves more easily. this sh*t is learned!!! and not original. unfortunately.
my exsah sister– gorgeous woman. extremely bright. became a stripper. substance abuser. and announced on facebook that when her mother died, she was going to dance and take a big sh*t on her grave. she honestly wrote that.
the fruit does not fall far from the tree.
i dont know if the truth will matter to MIL. i hate to say that, but I just don’t know.
Whether or not MIL responds as Bev would like, I think the important thing is that the truth is out. Everyone is reacting to reality and not trying to read other people’s minds, decipher what is going on from clues here and there…
You can’t control how anyone will react to this stuff, but how they react is information about them that you need to know.
It’s scary- like detonating a bomb and you know it will cause a big explosion, but you aren’t sure where the dust will settle. But at least it’s out in the open. People can make their own choices, and you aren’t making choices for them.
My husband pulled that crap with my grown daughters, telling them he had one trip skiing with a 22 yr old that he did not sleep with! I told him to tell them the real truth without the details that he had been unfaithful for 2 decades with multiple partners. They were still mad at me for a while because he told them I MADE him tell them. However, I felt it was HIS responsibility to tell them and if he didn’t, then I would tell them in presence. Bev, in your situation, the whole family were enabling the FIL in the drinking so she is likely going to expect you to just forgive him as she did her husband and take him back. Stay strong–I wish I had a MIL and FIL still alive, I know they would support ME through this.
I don’t really care what their reaction is. If they called me names, told me it was all my fault, and told H he was wonderful and offered to pay for his next hooker then that’s okay by me. Like Teri said, they would have heard the truth and chosen for themselves how to deal with it. I can live with that.
I don’t know if I’d tell her or not, Bev. She sounds really fragile. But then again, she’s 74, not 94, so it’s not like she’s doddering. Sounds to me like your h just told her something like, ‘We’re having some problems,’ so she’s probably completely in the dark. Damn tough call..don’t know what the right answer is. I’m just so sorry you’re in this situation in the first place. xoxo
She works everyday retail at JC Penny. She is in good health and enjoys her job ( I have offered to let her quit and help her with money).
I think she is very fragile where her children are concerned because she has guilt. But , as some sister, stated ( Daisy?): she did the best she could with what she had at the time. She is not a bad person.
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