The Stories I Get

My mailbox is usually pretty busy with e-mails from women who do not want to post on the MTASA site, and, of course, all of the comments on that site also come to my inbox.

This woman commented on the MTASA site, but I thought I would copy it here both for our discussion and to encourage all of you Sisters to go to the MTASA site and give her some support. Here is what Elizabethm wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I need help….I am fairly new here, have been reading for a while, got up the courage to post. Thank God for you all. I met my S.A. about 2 years ago, I thought we were “dating” each other only…not……..turns out in the fall of last year I found out he was seeing other women, by him leaving his email open and myself having that “feeling that something wasn’t right”

I looked and he had erased all the messages in the inbox, but FORGOT that when he replies they are still in the Sent box….I confronted him and he explained this away as the fact that we were “not committed” and I thought we were….I went to leave but he begged me back and told me “all of that was over ” and we would be exclusive.

From Oct to Jan, while we were supposedly exclusive…and I still did not know he was an active S.A. yet…and then I discovered shockingly that he had been sleeping with his 65 year old neighbor and leading this woman on as if they were in a relationship, he coldly told me ” it was convenient” …HE also has AIDS and slept with her unprotected.

I found out about her the day his sister committed suicide….In the craziness of that day…He ran home to get clothes so I could take him to the airport and he left the computer open and I saw naked pictures of his penis that he has said ” will you kiss it for me mommy” gross and shocking I know.

This led me to do a reverse email look up on her and find her, I did not blame her, I just asked her what was happening…She was as SHOCKED as me…I treated her compassionately…I did not tell him yet as I was so confused and wanted him to have the chance to bury his sister first.

She took it upon herself to tell him…It was ugly….He got VERY nasty with her..and proceeded to berate me! LOL! Anyway…I think at this point, I was in such shock I was so traumatized I was frozen….I wasn’t actually feeling what was going on…I just “sat there” and stayed “stuck” for a while ,…..and then BAM it alllllll came out…I went ballistic! Completely and utterly angry beyond belief and I let him have it 🙂

This took about 6 weeks to come out and I am not sure why….After this, I had the WORST emotional hang overs and feeling of guilt I still don’t understand….During the time of discovery of the neighbor, he also was sexting other women and admitted to hookers and some other things…it is ALWAYS after the fact..I feel like I can’t catch up.

I sound like an idiot and I am an idiot I think, but I love him and he entered SAA and PROMISED me he would stop all of this and get better…I am still feeling paralyzed…I am kind of in an “evaluation mode”.

Things calmed down and I just felt like I was healing, starting to heal….not knowing what the future holds..and BAM…He went off on me last Thursday to the point he was screaming at me ” I HATE YOU…” and calling me names without justification.

It was so bad, I just lay” there the whole next day and have not been much better today….He called and apologized profusely and told me he has gone to an SAA meeting and that he had done that so he could ” cause a problem and act out…and I am deeply sorry for hurting you..”….I am still in stunned mode…I think the WHOLE thing is one big traumatic car crash I am in and the car is still rolling.

I really don’t know what to do….He has disappeared again today….I have no idea what is going on….He cut of texting..so I can’t ask ” hey can you check in where are you?”….And one minute he says I love you and then he wants “space” which, he later tells me was because he was thinking about acting out.

I am totally ill with this and I don’t know my HIV status, I am afraid to get tested…And I think I have F’**ed up my whole life here.

I was also sober in AA and I DRANK over this shit as I wanted to “numb out” so bad and just be asleep most of the time….I am back in recovery myself and in self care, but Damn….what do I do?

Where do I go from here? And WHY do I love this person and feel like I can’t live without him? I am in alanon heavily too….What I have i think is not so much codependency as it is some kind of traumatic bonding.

Anyway, i can’t believe he has sex unprotected with the neighbor and God knows who else with AIDS..I think the only thing that will save me is that I always used protection…and I tested negative before…We have not been together sexually for a few weeks now, so….I will get tested…and then I think if I put myself back there, I must be insane.

Any thoughts on why we feel the love we do and “live” for those kind moments and calm times…When this should be the norm, not the exception to the norm…..I could write for days about what I have been through…..days…thank you all xx

PS I forgot to add you guys that I am 39 and he is 51 and I am not sure what is happening here. He then told me he has been in SAA for 18 years and “knows how to be a success” and I said to him the other night when he was going off on me abusively ..” Yeah, this is a success! “….Meaning the mess we were in.

I do love him and he is a good guy…Did I just say that? 😀 Jesus…Anyway….I am lost, lost, lost, lost….I “get it” what is going on at the same time I do not….In recovery, as I have been part of other 12 steps programs for years….I know if we are not in a relationship, we stay out of it for one year…If we are, then we do not make a decision for 6 months to one year. JoAnn says, ‘Who in the hell made up that rule?’

So, not making a decision, is making a decision in my mind..However, with what is at stake here I am not sure if these rules even apply…..meaning my life and sanity…I live in a constant state of his “Creating” instability, coming and going, passive aggressiveness…not knowing one day to the next what is going on or is about to go on.

How do I save myself? And why am I giving him chances and feeling SO RELIEVED…when he apologizes and comes clean about the desire to “act out”…I mean Jesus, I NEVER would of put up with even the HINT of cheating in other relationships..what has happened to me..why have I lost myself? OR have I? What work, program, should I start to do to figure this out? I think you guys as a support group are a great start right? hugs, e.

PS I also feel that he doesn’t appreciate the depth of what is going on here with me, like he lacks empathy…is he a sociopath? Or is it this addiction ? Or what? I don’t know anymore..confusion is not even the word 🙂