The story of my SAH

I got married 02. This is my second marriage. I had a short term boyfriend in between who was a SA and in DEEP. He did it all. That relationship ended quickly. When I met my H, he was an all around normal nice guy. He had a wilder past. He was the guitarist in a popular local band. So his stories from that time period didn’t concern me. They actually seemed normal under the circumstances. Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. I figured he got it out of his system. The party girls, strippers, threesomes, gang bangs, dozens of strip clubs, etc. So he claimed.

He was far from that guy now. Clean cut, well educated, loving father. The picture of stability. He said all that stuff in the past was never really him anyway. It was just the crowd he was in. He said he always just wanted a nice quiet life in the suburbs.

He took in my 4 kids and adopted one of them. He has a daughter. All 5 kids lived with us as their other parent is not a part of their life. I’ve lived in this bubble for so long. I loved my life, my children, my family, my home and my husband. I thanked God for him every night. My H is extremely sweet, funny (corny), caring, generous, and kind. He would do anything for me. And he has always been extremely affectionate. He craves constant physical contact even if it’s just our legs touching. He has zero temper.

In 06 I made some off hand comment about porn and he made a face. So I asked him why the face? He said it was because he had looked at porn just a “few” times and “just” woman in bikini’s. I was upset. Not mad but hurt. We discussed it and my H was VERY adamant that there be a no porn rule.

So life went along great with two exceptions. First was his drinking. For the first 6 years of our marriage he never drank more than a beer now and then. Then he started drinking every weekend. Then everyday. Eventually it was more then a case of beer a week and an average of 50 shots of tequila. That caused problems. Then there was exception #2. Our sex life seemed to only happen on weekends. And he was plastered. So he was totally detached during sex. I assumed it was the alcohol.

He works 10 PM – 6 AM from home. The 5 nights a week he is working, he can take breaks and do whatever on his personal computer. 2 nights a week he is off and awake all night long with no one to be accountable to. Not even his presence. He has about 60 hours a week that he answers to nobody.

Then in June 2010, I made another joking comment about how they say you get “the 7 year itch” and that his 7th year was almost over. Again, he makes a funny face and mutters something about guys will be guys. That sent me into suspicion mode X 1000. I asked him, “something you need to tell me?” He’d swear he wasn’t hiding anything. This went on for a week of me not speaking to him.

Finally he comes to me and tells me he made an appt with a psychologist. I asked why. He wouldn’t tell me. I was furious. I started packing. I told him I wasn’t living in this secret world of his. It was like he completely shut me out. At that point he started crying and begging me not to leave. So he tells me he was looking at porn again. How often? How long? I don’t know. (his answer to everything). He finally says twice a week since he got his iPhone a year and a half prior. My mind did that math quick… 150+ times he has lied to me. I slapped him. He claimed he was depressed and wanted to talk to a psychologist about all this. I was pissed.

Two months passes with it being very volatile in our house. He was seeing the psychologist weekly. I kept on him about his drinking. He’d fluctuate between blaming me for the porn problem and acting remorseful. He’d suddenly start crying and saying, “There is something WRONG with me. I’m not RIGHT.” Then he’d flip and gave me all the usual lines. All guys do it. I’m over reacting. The only reason this is a big deal is because I am making it a big deal. Even my psychologist says it is normal. One thing stayed the same, he was constantly begging me not to leave him. It was a really fucked up two months.

Then on Sept 14th, 2010, I woke up to a cute little note from him. Later I was at the grocery store and he texts me telling me he loves me, when am I coming home because he misses me. All is normal lovey dovey crap. I get home, he acts all happy to see me, helps put the groceries away and then says “I want to talk.” Those 4 words ALWAYS make me nauseas. He starts telling me that he’s been looking at porn again. I was floored. Absolutely stunned speechless. But before I could speak I realized he was still talking and what he was saying was that he wanted a divorce.

Until this porn crap. We’ve never had anything even in the ballpark of marital problems. I was happy. He SEEMED genuinely happy. I asked him how long has he been unhappy with our marriage? He got angry and said, “I never said I was unhappy with our marriage. Stop putting words in my mouth.” I told him that generally when someone asks for a divorce it means they are unhappy in their marriage and why didn’t he want to even try to work out what was wrong? He told me there was no working it out.

Then he started in on telling me that he decided he wasn’t the marrying type. That he wasn’t cut out for monogamy. That he was tired of having sex with the same person. That he needs “new” things. That he has to fantasize about someone else in order to have sex with me otherwise he can’t keep an erection. And that he loved every part of our marriage and loved me but marriage was never going to sexually satisfy him because I could never be “new”.

I didn’t even know what to say. My husband has just told me he wants a divorce for no other reason then to screw other woman. What man says that???

We went to his psychologist the next day. He asked me to go and I was in too much shock to say no. I tell the psychologist what was going on. He mentioned sex addiction.

The following week we were at an appt with a CSAT. She just interviewed us and then said she would give him evaluations the following week. We went back and she said he scored so high on those charts there was no doubt he was an SA. It was decided to do a 90 day abstinence and that permanent sobriety included no masturbation.

Of course at disclosure the twice a week porn on the phone for the past 18 months turned into daily for 5 years on the iphone, computer and TV. Chats and other online activity. Having a thing for my close friend. He swears he never had any form of physical contact with anyone. He said he looked into massages and prostitutes and planned on following through on it until June when the initial fight over the porn happened. Then he said over the next two months he began to realize that it just but a pause button on it but nothing was going to stop him from following through on that plan. No amount of fights or consequences.

So he says that was what brought on the day in September. That the guilt and the shame were driving him nuts. He wanted it to go away. He said the easiest way to do that was to get a divorce so he could indulge in all his fantasies guilt free.

So my H never got “caught.” I’ve never found evidence of wrong doing and confronted him. He’s far too good with a computer to leave a trail anyway. He just broke down on several occasions under pressure. And I don’t think I’ll ever truly know if he actually physically cheated. His CSAT told me she has lots of experience with this and she believes him that he did not. She has more faith then me.

Since last September he has gone every week to two SA meetings a week; 1 is a 12 step study group and the other is a support group. He has had a sponsor since October. He calls him everyday. He occasionally volunteers to help with 12 step meetings at halfway houses and he does the write a prisoner thing. He has continued to go to the CSAT weekly for over a year now and he is a sponsor to two guys. He’s on antidepressants and swears he has one year of sobriety. He cancelled HBO and cinemax. Had me disable the internet on his phone. Put monitoring software on his computer. Oh, and he stopped drinking a year ago as well for about 6 months. Now he just has a beer now and then like the old days.

I still don’t know what to believe. He has told so many lies. Said some awful things. He still has 60 hours a week not accountable to anyone. He has offered to go into the office instead of working from home but I am on the fence about that. I think I’ve mostly forgiven him. But I don’t trust him, I’m still not convinced he never followed through with physical acting out and I am totally uninterested in sex. Having been with an extreme sex addict before… this all seems packaged a little too nicely if that makes any sense.