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For those of you who are now separated or divorced from your sa, do you think their acting out is as much fun now that they don’t have someone to cheat on?
My h digs sneaking around. He was raised in a super strict, must be perfect to the world, religious house. He is an overachiever big time. Finished first in his class in h.s. and college. His mom’s weirdness turns out to be an addiction. She controls everyone with food and money, and exercise. She never lets anyone eat food unless she serves it to them. Still. and she still hides food in boots in the basement. The only one home is her 77 yr old h who she brags because she has him under 140 lbs!
Growing up her 4 kids would “hunt” when ever she was busy or left the house because they were hungry. It was a constant battle as they would find her hiding places. When they were lazy they just ate brown sugar. When I first met my h we were at his house and she left and he and his brother got a cup of brown sugar and tang powder and sat there eating them both together!! f*ed up for sure. They were adults at the time! I always thought the weirdest part of this was she cooked great meals and baked lots of cookies so the house always smells yummy. She takes cookies right out of the oven, packs them up and sneaks off to a closet somewhere. If you ask for a cookie she will tell you later, and after your cup of soup she serves you, she will give you 1 cookie. I got is so much trouble 10 years ago for giving the kids (mine and cousins) jello jigglers 2 hours before Thanksgiving dinner, she still says snotty things to me about that. I am serious.
ok so I am certain that she and her messed up eating disorder/control freak is the reason for his and his siblings nutso behavior. The thing is my h has “enjoyed” the sneak since he was a little kid. and he told me that it progressed to sex. And that anytime I went to the grocery store, he would go straight for the porn. Even thought he was supposed to be watching the kids.
How, and is it even possible to change 50 years of behavior????even if I give him everything he wants, he is going to find something else to sneak. Right now…..he sneaks on his computer to do work, which he now pours everything into that addiction, 6 am to 11 pm. He snuck out this morning before 5.
~ he at the end of a big project. his employees are trying to keep up with him and his demands. MEN are breaking down crying at work. I told him “why cant you see you need to postpone this?”
his answer, I can get it done. His employees are the new victims of his addiction now that he gave up sex.sorry this is so long…again.
Good grief, Heidi,
I thought my mother in law was nuts!! Yours is insane. She is clearly a very sick woman. It is just as crazy to be hiding food in boots as it is to be hiding that you are eating the food.No wonder your SA is nuts as well. Geez I wonder where her crazy came from, and what its’ called.
So they were shamed for having a basic appetite for food. Shamed for a sexual appetite too? Kind of makes you wonder about her relationship with her husband…
Diane.
Heidi,
I think your husband may need inpatient treatment for a while. He’s really got it bad and is so driven at the same time. Just my opinion.I think my h loved everthing he did behind my back and it was alot and I never had a disclosure so it’s likely off the charts. Part of the high is the obsessing, the planning, the anticipation, the lying, the doing. It’s one big package all tied into one. On it there’s a tag that says “fuck you”. Meanwhile we are raising kids, cooking, cleaning, entertaing friends, domestic chores, all the while for 25 yrs my h fucked over 500 woman. That’s a pretty big fuck you and I guess a big thrill for him. He’s YUK to me now.
Love, NapWow Heidi, that is pretty sick. I agree with NAP, I think your H needs a lot of help. The things children suffer at the hands of a parent is unbelieveable. I’m guessing that thrill of sneaking things is at the heart of the problem.
LindyHeidi,
I agree with the others. He is in desperate need of psychological treatment. He has a learned compulsion that needs to be dealt with. He needs to learn why he does what he does and how to correct. Only a professional can help him to overcome this issue. I think there is hope for him if he agrees to get help and is welcome to getting better. Usually they say that if you give up a behavior you have to replace it with another, but not another bad one!
Much love, Claire
wow, Heidi, Your MIL takes “control FREAK” to an entirely new and yes, very, very sick level.
But, in answer to your initial question, (do you think their acting out is as much fun now that they don’t have someone to cheat on?) my answer is:
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a good question and Ii have to answer a RESOUNDING yes…without the sneaking around…they are just like everyone else? I think an ENORMOUS amount of the whole acting out process is the thrill of getting one over on the primary partner. I also think this aspect is one of the most pathological elements in the personality of these men because it shows the complete lack of guilt they experience. You cannot be feeling guilty about doing something at the same time as you are thrilled by doing it…not in my book anyway. It is all part of their need to hurt and to have power over us. Sneaking around is the ultimate turn on because it leaves us in a down position. We cannot do anything if we don’t know anything and if we cannot do anything then our power is taken away. They love to tell us it had NOTHING to do with us? Bullshit. The minute you leave, detach or could clearly care less…THEN you will see it has EVERYTHING to do with us. Without someone to f–k over it just is not the same for them. This is also the reason they often try to find another primary partner quickly if they are losing the first. It just doesn’t work as well unless there is someone to “cheat on” and toy with. Not for a narc anyway. They speculate that narcissists are created by too much parental attention or by neglect. The home situation you are describing, Heidi, is one of the weirder ones I have heard of and it explains alot about why your husband is so extremely ill. Karen xx
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