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For the sake of my son (who is 5), I spent today with my SAH (along with a friend who does not know our situation and her two kids). SAH and I barely spoke, except to refer to our son and his stuff (as expected). By 9pm I was beginning to think “will he ever leave?” (he’s been sleeping at his mum’s since last d-day, one week ago).
Then his mobile phone rings. He jumps up, “must be off” and scoots out the door. I’m left thinking that he’s had a booty call and it hurts.
Why does it hurt so much? I know he’s an a/hole, I know I’m better off without him. I only even spent time with him today for our son. If I never spoke to him again it would be too soon. And yet it still hurts that he may be out there cheating on me. Am I nuts?
No of course not Lynnemac! Even if you don’t want him in your life, of course it stings to think that he is once again not thinking of you at all – and not feeling the slightest guilt, shame, remorse or apparently concern for your son. I’m relatively new to all this too, just a few weeks since last discovery but from what I’ve read here from the sisters who are farther along on their journey, Karma is a real BITCH and she is eventually going to bite him big time. One of these days he will look up and realize that you have moved on and are happy and healthy and enjoying life free of him and he will FREAK OUT and want you back. Feel free to laugh in his face, jump up and say “must be off”. It will feel awesome I’m sure!
Hugs,
DaisyLynnemac, it is just normal to feel what you are feeling, I had been in your shoe for over 20 months now, after D day we separated and he was trying to make his way back which made it very hard for me to detach but I Have small children so I thought I want to try for them, so I would go with them when he picks them up, went on family vacation ,,etc ,,,,,I got no where with all of that just prolonged my pain and suffering and could not avoid the inevitable , the family is broken for ever as I can never trust this man to be back with him
So if you can early on find ways to detach completely from him , you should do that sooner that later for your own sake and even for the sake of your children,,,
With love and wishes for fast healingLynne,
You are so not nuts, girl. Just feeling what normal people feel in this freaky house of mirrors called married to a sex addict.
Why does it hurt so much? Because you have been traumatized and are still experiencing the shocks when you come face to face with this SAs self centered remorseless existence. There is no respect for you, your son, or your feelings in this. That hurts.
You have suffered a great loss, and this was another stab at an open wound. It is cruel.
I am so sorry you are in this position. But you have reached out and are seeking support and guidance. That is not what crazy people do.
Hugs
It hurts because you are a normal, loving, caring decent human being dealing with the unthinkable.
Someday it will totally piss you off and eventually you will stop giving a damn about him. But it’s still too new. It’s going to hurt for awhile. Let yourself cry and grieve- it’s the only way through to the other side.
Its hurts because he is so discustingly disrespectful of you, your mariage and your family. Anyone would feel the same BUT on eday you will NOT care about his booty calls or about him. I promise. Karen xx
Lynne,
All I know about your situation is that you had another discovery a week ago and you kicked your SAH out.
I’m curious – what’s going on? Is he doing anything re: recovery? (if it’s possible with him?).
I know that you went to a marriage counselor in the past but that’s not worth a hill of beans if your SAH was lying through it.
I think you are very brave to have gone out with someone else that doesn’t even know what’s going on. That must have been extremely difficult for you. And then for the call to come in – and he jumps up. Somehow I doubt it was his sponsor.
I’m so sorry…..I personally wouldn’t be able to spend the day with someone who is potentially still using. Cringe factor big time. You need to take care of yourself! What did you tell your 5 year old?
Deb
Not to mention Sweetie that the call could have been anyone! A beer drinking buddy he had made plans to meet up with later on, etc
Of course, no matter what he is going to act like the shady character [that he IS], just to hurt you. Ugh! I really hate these guys!!
Hopefully, someday, you will reach a point where you just LET GO and not allow yourself to be influenced by HIM and anything HE does… I know it’s so hard…. But promise you, once you get there…. A little stunt like THAT will just have your eyeballs rolling and then the sheer relief that he is leaving!!!
Hang in there!!!! XO!!
Thanks for the support. I know that I’m just being paranoid (which I hate). I really do need to work on detaching. Our relationship is over, but I need to find some way that he can still be a dad without it screwing me up.
Deb – he has been to one SAAnon meeting and has signed up for CBT (no appointment yet). I don’t believe that he wants to be well. We had couples counselling 3 years ago when I busted him before and he carried right on doing it, so far as I can see, as I discovered all sorts on our PC last week. He just got smarter at it for a while.
I kicked him out last week, so he’s staying at his mum’s. His mum and sister know he has a problem and that there is online sexual activity involved. I’m not sure that they know the extent. I think they think it’s “just” a bit of porn (his mother thinks I should be glad he’s not addicted to alcohol or gambling! – her words). I think he’s going through the motions to get his mum and sis off his back. He is completely selfish – cares only for himself. He’s been torturing his mum with talk of feeling suicidal (which he’s not – he’s far too self-absorbed for that).
So far, I know for sure he meets women online for sex chats (he has a record of chats with the same women going back months). He sends pics & vids of himself naked and receives same from them. I saw requests for meet ups, but have not yet found concrete evidence that they have happened. I have definite suspicions that they have, from what I read and know of his behaviour. (One of downsides of kicking him out is that it frees him from scrutiny. He doesn’t have beer-drinking buddies and, in seven years of marriage, no-one has ever called him at 9pm on a Saturday night.)
Regardless of what actual activity has taken place (I’m not sure I want to know the extent, in all honesty), the energy he has expended on SA is energy that has been diverted from our marriage. I work 2 jobs to keep us afloat financially. He works 20 hours per week. I (not unreasonably) expect him to pull his weight by doing housework,etc. He does bare minimum. Spends all time sitting in front of tv watching American Pickers and OCC and (as I now know) wanking in front of the laptop. I know I’m better with him gone. I guess I just have a way to go before my heart catches up with my head.
So glad I found this community. Thanks for being here!
Lynne
xxOh, sorry, forgot to say, we have not told 5-year-old much yet. At the moment, he thinks daddy just sleeping over at gran’s to keep her company. At 5, he has very few questions about it (the complexities of adult relationships are a closed book to him, thank God). I’m trying to keep his routine as normal as possible until I’m 100% certain what comes next.
Lynne
xxIt’s very likely that he’s been on the laptop while our son is sleeping in another room. I really don’t think he’d do anything with our son in the same room (but then I didn’t think he was still doing this, so I’m not sure I’m a reliable source!).
One of my big concerns, that I’m still trying to process, is that I accessed the images of my naked SAH and the people he was chatting with on our family laptop (that my son uses from time to time to play games.) His carelessness with the images does not feel ok to me. I’d have hated my son to access something like that.
You are new, so you might not know my story. My STBX used his laptop for looking at porn, chats with his fuck friends, emailing, sending pics of his orgies to people, etc. He also let my son use his computer. Last Oct., a chat complete with naked people avatars and inappropriate messages popped up in front of my son which led to my latest discovery. My son is being treated for post-traumatic stress, depression, and anxiety. It has been a nightmare. He blames himself for the divorce and hits himself. He was 13, so different stage developmentally.
But I can tell you, my dad was a sex addict and I was exposed to his porn starting at age 5. It took lots of counseling for me to understand how to build healthy relationships due in large part to him. (He was an SA, too)
So your concerns are valid.
I am so sorry to hear about your son and his situation. My heart goes out to him.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is helping me to clarify things in my mind. It’s not ok – and I’m not over-reacting.
You are absolutely not over-reacting.
I think the story of the impact of sex addiction on our kids has still not been told. I am having a very tough time finding therapists who understand. One psychiatrist told me that being with dad is the same as hanging out with a promiscuous schoolmate. Trust your instincts because the experts still don’t have this figured out.
So sad the conversation about children. I’m overwhelmed we are going to tell our 20 year old son about this. How much more difficult your situations with younger children are.
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