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what the hell am i going to do???
i’m absolutely miserable.
sorry, that sounds so like a whiny bitch, but i feel like i’m in a nightmare that never ends and am horrifically depressed.
i don’t feel strong and like i’ve taken control.
i feel beaten up and left for the vultures to pick over.
i feel like the one person–
the ONLY fucking one, who i thought loved me.
didn’t.
he had no love for me. and it doesn’t matter that he didn’t have it for anyone.
he made me believe that he thought i was special and worthy of love.
i never thought that i was… and he made me believe for the first time, that i was…
and i’m just fucking lonely. even though my neighbor came over for dinner and it was nice, i can’t bear this life.
it just hurts too much.
what am i going to do???
You just did it, call on us!
I am so sorry this is so hard, Lexie. You deserve so much more! You are infinitely more than special and worthy of a lifetime of devotion, not just a few bones tossed here and there.
Look at your tree! What you can do, now, is wonderful. You can live a life of your choosing, with the beautiful moments you create that no idiot man can destroy.
{{{hugs}}}}
Lexie,
You are full of life! Instead of turning it inward turn it outward. Do and try not to stay in your head you have a whole body that is ready to live again. Do things you enjoy and are comforting. Put as much passion and life as you did getting your tree. Jump on the bronco and go for a ride, explore, this is your life, make it a great one. Pretend your life is a room you are decorating, put all the things, people , simple things you love. Make it your best project ever, your life! Enjoy!!!
Love, NapLexie,
You are loveable and special and worthwhile! Look at how much you mean to this group of women scattered across the world! But we both know that you are amazing independent of what we think of you. You are strong and funny and beautiful. And here is the real kicker- my guess is that he did/does love you. But he is broken.
The wonder that is you isnt dependent on him, or us or anyone else. You are like a shining sun, if someone choses to be in a cave, they wont feel your warmth or see your beauty, but still you are shining. I barely even know you and I am sometimes nearly blinded by you.
Please, Im not being full of shit or exagerating. The fullness and vibrance of you comes through- even in an online forum. Please please dont forget who you are!
Sometimes we need to see ourselves through others to appreciate what we are, but that isnt what makes us who and what we are. Maybe for a while your husband was able to reflect how amazing you are, but he was only a mirror.
I love and appreciate you- you are so very special!I want someone, preferably, a beautiful man to come along and do what he did…
he said,
“come take my hand… i want to show you a good time.”
I was so happy the day we married.
i was all set now.
i told him that it was the happiest day of my life.
and he said,
“oh, i certainly don’t hope so.”
and then it appears that he set out to prove himself right.
it doesn’t seem to matter what i do… either way, i’m fucked.
i’m so afraid.
I dont know about you, but there is something about the night that makes me more sensitive. I pray that with the light of day you will feel better–brave and strong once again. Until then i hope you feel the love here, and how valuable you are to all of us, your sisters.
Lexie, here’s what you do… Start planning that trip to Italy. Buy the travel books, go on Trip Advisor and research the B&B’s or hotels in the cities you’ve always wanted to visit, get your suitcase out and start packing your sexiest Lexiest clothes in it, start planning and plan BIG. Make this the year you make the leap to the life you’ve always yearned for. I can truly envision you holding court on a wisteria-draped balcony in Sienna. Love, Liza
Lexie,
It is very normal to be afraid….you are embarking on a HUGE life change. I told you before…nothing is cast in stone. If you want to ask him to come home he will….But before you take that step why don’t you make a pros and cons list. At the top of the list you can put:
PRO will not be alone CON- will be with someone who makes me feel I am alone and inviscible
PRO- will help me with money CON- I have to provide most of the money
PRO- will be a body in the bed CON- zero sex
PRO- will talk to me CON- will minimize all my pain
Your choice?? Did I miss something? Is there something about asking your husband to come home that I have missed?? Karen xxGeeezzz… when I read your list Karen… its so accurate, except for the very last one. He acknowledges my pain, but feels powerless, like with everything else.
He’s a victim of the economy, a lousy boss, his children, and his wife who he could not live up to her expectations of fidelity and manly duties. (tsk, tsk, tsk… that fucking cunt.) 🙁
Here is what he wrote me tonight:
“As I’ve told you many many times, I’m very sorry for the pain I’ve caused you and I’m still causing you. I never set out to destroy you; that’s an absurd idea. I was acting out for my own pleasure even though it was a “bitter” pleasure ultimately leading to this.
For the first few years, I felt worthwhile and manly and so on and then, at some point, it faded and I felt less like a man and less able to do what was expected of me. A progressive decline bottoming out after I left Deutsche and never really recovering. This job is something of a recovery but not financially.
I’m talking to people all the time to get ideas for what to do and most say to stay where I am because of its relative security. I know what they’re saying but I have to boost my income. Somehow.
I’m very very sorry. This new life I have is surreal. I’m very lonely and not fully absorbing that it’s come to this. I thought we could live together till the house was sold.
I’m very sorry.”
I wrote him back asking him how he could possibly derive “pleasure” from something that would destroy me, if I found out?
In some ways, though seeing your list, Karen, made me realize, that he was here, but he wasn’t REALLY here. I mean, he was always asleep by 10:30 and then, sometimes I saw him in the morning and sometimes not and then, he wasn’t back from work until 8:30 or 9:00, but I would keep him company in the kitchen every night, for a while.
i miss making him laugh though.
we haven’t really laughed since August 2nd.
he even managed to kill that.
he smells.
and his teeth look like they belong to a vagrant who hasn’t been to the dentist in 20 years. actually, its a form of child abuse that his parents never gave him some fucking orthodontia!
but that isn’t the problem, really.
the problem is that he is a really sucky husband and an even suckier provider. while he was out procuring pussy, he had his cash cow keeping the family afloat.
Thank you Karen for making me see what I’m not missing.
One of my fears is that I so do long to have a beautiful man with his arms around me, but after what I’ve been through, I can’t even imagine going on another date. I was so naive. It never occurred to me that someone would be on a dating site looking for women, who was FUCKING TAKEN!!!!!!!
and all of that time, i had no idea that my husband had been one of those dudes for years and years!!!I’m fucking done with him.
oh, we’re going to the mediator tomorrow morning.
good times.
Bonnie, Liza, Nap, Lynn thank you, too for all for your kind wonderful words. I have thought about that trip Liza. That’s scary for me too. I don’t want to go alone. I’m afraid of that.
One of the things about my h that I loved, was in the beginning, he would “take charge.” I loved that about him.
but, i’ve grown up since then.
Thank you all, for your support. It really means a lot to me.
love,
L
Lexie, I’ll ask you the same thing I have to ask myself all the time as a reminder: Why would you look for validation from someone so sick, so selfish, so self-pitying, and so unable to contribute positively to the world? And why would you even stand NEAR someone like that when he diminishes your goodness and talent and beauty?
Lexie, beautiful one,
you have no idea how good the life ahead will be. This is the end of one thing, and another thing is being born of you. It is your new life.Do you you know what?
I hadn’t had a period in two years. When I first found my therapist after the d-day, I had a bleed. And I knew it was my body telling me I was still fertile with life, that I could rebirth myself. That’s what I want you to believe. You are going to rebirth your life and it’s going to be so so good. NO more nonsense, unless its your nonsense. Only good men you choose to have around you. No more tearing your soul apart every day. It’s on its way, Lexie. You are pregnant with your own life. Waddle a little. You’ve earned it. And eat ice cream.
love you,
D.Lexie, I’m coming back to NY with an exhibit of work speaking about the experience of being the spouse of an SA. No definite plan yet, but within the next 6 months for sure. Alone, this time, or in company of the wonderful young woman who is the owner/director of our little art studio. You would adore her sense of humor. I will stay longer, and I so want to meet you so don’t give up your space!
Hang in there; shit don’t just hang, climb.. swing… soar…, do a freaking fabulous Cirque de Sole routine! Make it yours!
lexie I agree with liza, start planning, start dreaming, it will be a great start to your new life, sexiest lexiest (cute)! We were driving through Port Washington Sunday and I was especially pissed at my h and #5 was in the car, the tension was fierce. And I thought lexie and I should go on a cruise with your mom and my dad. It can be their treat. We will spend lots of quality time with them and then we can have fun when they take naps!! So I spent the next 1.5 hours planning our cruise! It was a great way to calm down, oh and our parents got along famously!
Read something fun, I just finished the Hunger Games series, your sons may have read it, if not tell them to, and you can have something fun to share with them. Most of my kids and their boyfriends have read it. We are having fun comparing our thoughts about it.
you took a big step lexie, don’t beat yourself up. In the book gas light effect they say that your relationship will never change if you are not completely serious about letting it go. You must be committed to leaving it, or it will just go back to the way it was.
I am proud of you for forcing change, even though it is incredibly painful. You are strong and brave. And you are moving forward.
~ and moving forward may bring you back together one day. who knows, but it will never, ever be what it was. And that is good thing.I saw this the other day
H ~hold
O ~ on,
P ~ pain
E ~ endsHugs
HeidiLexie, I hurt so much for you. I was trying to think of what to say to you, and out of nowhere the thought came into my head, ‘This man wanted her to date other men while he was married to her.’ He wasn’t only all the crazy-making things that SA’s usually are, but he took it a step further and sucked you into a lifestyle that you didn’t want. I dunno what else really to say. I think about your gorgeous Christmas tree and your ballet, and you have so many gifts. That doesn’t help right now, I know. But those gifts are real, those gifts are you. He will never be able to take those away from you. It’s so hard though. Even though he wasn’t ever really ‘there,’ it’s still what we got used to, what became our ‘norm.’ And there’s no way not to feel the aftershocks in our hearts, no matter how much our heads might see the truth. I’ve noticed that a lot of us here are in our 50’s, which generally means many years of being with our SAs, a whole lot of history. I don’t know how long it takes to really process all this, but you’re moving in the right direction. I know you are going to come out the other side of this way more than ok.
Love, Annie xoxoI am absolutely overwhelmed with the immense amount of love and support. I know that its difficult to believe, because I talk the “good talk,” but underneath the bravado I seem to have for EVERYONE ELSE, I’m not really that brave.
Or maybe I am? Maybe what I am is afraid to actually reach out to someone? like… yeah… I can handle this, thank you very much.
I guess I learned at an early age, that NO ONE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ME (not completely) and so, i needed to learn how to do that all for myself, and yet, i so longed for someone to want me and put me at least 2nd or third, not in the next to the last spot. That designation, goes to his dying mother. Wonder what will happen when she passes???
I think I’ve sent him about 2 dozen emails… just a torrent of emotional masturbation for the immense amount of pain, I’m feeling. Does it help? Momentarily, and then like someone ADDICTED to the high of CONTROL, i feel compelled to write yet, again, but its usually to his lameassed answer, like his saying “that he’s lonely” or that he didn’t consider me when he was seeking out his own pleasure and that he regrets it.
Great. tell me something that i don’t already fucking know!!!
But, anyway… I did not go to the mediator. I simply could not do it and its not because i want to keep us together, its because i could not sleep– again, and four hours wasn’t going to cut it and it only makes everything worse, and I want him to rent out a bill board and say:
“I, SHIMON AM A SEX, LOVE AND PORN ADDICT AND I FUCKED MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND I DERIVED MUCH SADISTIC PLEASURE FROM DOING SO, AND I DESERVE TO ROT IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY FOR WHAT I DID TO HER AND OUR CHILDREN.”
maybe then, the emails would cease.
maybe.
need to make a separate post.
Heidi, do you really mean it? Because really, I would do that. oh my… imagine if they fell for each other. LOL
imagine if God in his divine plan, brought you and me together in this way, so that our parents could find some joy in their final years?
just a fantasy. 😉
sounds like a script for a movie… hmmmm…
but really, I would do it. Does your Dad dance? if he does. fifty bonus points. my mom adores dancing!!! in bittersweet irony, my father did not want a third child. (me) and my mom gave ball room dancing lessons to neighborhood teenagers so that they could have the money for “me.”
And Lynn, if you do not contact me, I will never speak to you again. LOL
its another weird coincidence, but the last two days, I beefed up my linkedin account and have been connecting to anyone and everyone. I may not be a real “bigshot”, but I think I’m going to become a narc. haha! no, not a REAL narc, but just do what my dear bro always said…
“if you throw enough shit against the wall, some of it is bound to stick.”
hahahaha!!! i need that embroidered above my desk and also…
“fuck me over and you’re dead.”
but, I actually sold art in NY for a year and I added that to my experience. strange and wild.
going for to “the rapist.”
therapy. 😉
love to all,
Laurel
Dear Lexie,
I talk about the list because I believe what i am saying…I believe that things will very quickly revert to the same old,same old IF You let him come home? As a matter of fact, I firmly believe that you can get MUCH more out of him by keeping him OUT. ALL he is willing to give you is a form of friendship…maybe that is all he has to give. F–k Him.Take any help he can give you with the kids and with your work. Everything out of his mouth is validation of what you felt…he doesn’t want to be your sexual partner, he doesn’t want anything in your relationship to change and he doesn’t want to be transparent and honest with you. You can have the security of having someone BUT you cannot get from him what you really want which is a man who actually loves you fully? I cannot even imagine how painful this transition is for you but please hold on…do that one day at a time thing. Give yourself a chance Lexie. FOCUS on yourself and your own growth…one day at a time. See if you can learn to love yourself a little more? You are a beautiful, smart, sexie woman with so much to give.This is real life Lexie. There are NO Prince Charmings coming to rescue us.We have to rescue ourselves…usually with the help of other women. Then perhaps the universe will unfold and a decent man will be waiting to take the love you have to give. But the universe unfolds slowly, Lexie. You have to give it more time….. Karen xx
PS we are all SO ROOTING for you Lexie 🙂
I think our posts have crossed again as your last 2 were not there when i sent my last one. I HATE that 🙂 Glad u are off to your therapist. Karen xx
no, its fine, Karen. I always love what you have to say.
I think my husband’s leaving has actually exacerbated everything I have felt in the last 20 years, since we moved up to the burbs.
Achingly lonely, left out, misunderstood, snubbed, forgotten. There has been lots of back and forth emailing.
he actually believes that he’s been respectful to me, the last 5 months. sure. and then, i came up with of about 12 things that he’s done that were anything but respectful, and some were downright decimating.
but, of course, he didn’t MEAN to hurt me.
what the hell did i do to him??? what did any of us do except DARE to love them!!!
HORRORS!!!!!!!!! how could we ever do such a hateful thing!!!
Then, I gave him a lengthy list of what he would need to do to possibly garner a modicum of respect back from me.
I actually expect him to do EVERYTHING that a woman does who’s planning on staying with her partner.
why?
for the sake of our two children. Doesn’t he care to at least have them be, proud of him??? He has always been such a doting father. but… was it for them? or for himself???
yes, some of each is fine, but now I don’t know.
my head is quite full. i wish i could find a place to dump all of this—STUFF.
i need to clear out the trash.
xo
Hi Lexie,
Been wanting to write all day, just now getting to it.I think seperation is good when going through something like this with our h’s. It forces them to take care of this on their own or not at all. And you move forward with him or without him. Seperate you are forced to do the same.
You should not be so dependent on someone that you are miserable without them. Actually i think that is not healthy and that is how we get caught in awful situations, because deep down we have this huge fear that we cannot make it alone. But truely your h will not make you happy, bringing him back home will not make you happy, only you can make you happy with your life.
Your soul and body for a long long time have been telling you this is not right. Screaming or scrying really. But then we go into our heads and we doubt ourselves, we doubt we can do it alone….and then we make excuses for us and for them….why it should go back to the same old shit different day. Great change is required.
I don’t want to see that happen for you. No more same old shit different day for Lexie. It has been a little over a week?
Here is what i think. If you guys make it, you can make it with him there or not there. But the great thing about him not being there is you get a break, he has no mommy, and he do this on his own. If he cannot, he will not. You have no more time invested in him. You can on the side rebuild your life, go out with friends, move if you want, seems you do not liek where you live. There is not point in being and living where you are MISERABLE, including with your spouse included.
These days will come and that is what we are here for. If its meant to be , it will be. If you are meant to be together, you will in the end. Nothing is written in stone. However i think you are only hurting yourself, by not moving forward and searching for what you want in life. You cannot rely on a relationship to being your soul purpose. Create a new life for yourself.
Love,
FloraP.s. clearing out the house and cleanidng is a great thing tod do. Change things all around, change it up!!! Paint, re-arrange your furniture…
Lynng…i live about 2 hours out of NYC maybe we can all get together!!! I can take the train in, or head lexies way.
Dear Lexie,
If you were not feeling weak, scared , sad or you were without a sense of loss right now, who would you be? Would you even be human, perhaps a statue of stone? Feeling sad or insecure about the future, or the loss a spouse and friend, or thought friend, and an upheaval of the life you know, — BE PATIENT AND KIND WITH YOURSELF. Believe there is a better road ahead. And in case you are forgetting your good points, please allow me to point them out.
1. Remember your sons’ school? Who went to the school board, who found the best place for him he could ever be against impossible odds? you did.
2. Who has started her own business and is making money right away? YOu are
3. Who is still a hottie? Definite babe material. If I liked women that way I’d jump you— 🙂
4. Who has helped so many of us on this site? To see it for what it is, call a spade a spade– call a sham a sham, and then make decision — YOU HAVE.YOu were left with a terrible choice. Staying, with the current scenario. Or leaving it. What else is there?
I refuse to believe that he was the only man on earth who would love you or make you feel special. If H got busy with vagrant teeth and no job– imagine what a full social calendar you are going to have? I mean pick a number people. Please already. Just wait. This a momentary crisis. YOu will find life.
I found Diane’s post particularly beautiful. You are carrying life with you now— your own.
Don’t give up. Don’t question so much. If you feel weak and afraid please keep coming here. You are so cherished. I truly truly believe that this most painful time will get better, it is probably at its worst right now. After this, there will be light.
Lexie,
We’re filling up your social calendar, lol. Gallery crawls with Lynn and Flora. Cruising with Heidi as “Love Boat” cast agains. Tour Italy.
Wow, we are all going to live vicariously through your new adventures, it seems, lol.
I just read “Your Narcisistic Lover” and it was scary that they said a Narc will come back again and again to “Old supply” until he has new source lined up, because any supply is better than none. That feels so true. I believe your H may be doing that. He’s just continuing this flood of emails because he has thrown shit at the wall, and nothing is sticking now, “he’s trolling for supply” and you are his only supply right now so he’s playing along. Just don’t be fooled, it’s not for you, it’s for HIM!!!!
You are a too good for him.
Actually, its me who’s flooding him with emails, or was. And its occurred to me, that he’s a source of my own narcissistic supply. If that’s what it is.
How I see it is this; he helps me a lot with all sorts of things.
I am completely overwhelmed. Not only am I running our entire home, I am running a friggin’ BUSINESS. This isn’t just a job I go to. I AM the job. (I am job. lol) I’m the president/whipping girl, project manager, marketing “expert”, specifier, accounts payable, receivable, customer service, blogger… oh, and I’m trying to begin a new online furniture biz.
Then… I have a deranged father calling me up about my disordered autistic son— a father who also has an autistic son, who’s my son’s first REAL friend he’s ever had in his whole entire nearly 17 years!!! And harangues me and insults me.
Its Christmas. I have a tree, but there is no real sense of family or friends except for the four of us.
They are all i have.
I have built my ENTIRE FRIGGIN LIFE AROUND THEM!!!
Then, I find out, something I couldn’t truly face for 5 years, which was that my husband didn’t just have an indiscretion or two… its was far, far more than that… highly intimate affair with one woman, and countless other online/in person affairs, or trying to have affairs. And well, you know the rest.
When he is not here, and the kids aren’t here, I could die from loneliness. I cannot move for at least another 18 months, because our school district is footing the 117k bill for his therapeutic boarding school. And I can’t take a chance with mucking that up.
I don’t want to live with him. I don’t want to stay married to him. But, I HATE being alone. I LOVED being married! I loved having a family, (when they were behaving).
but mostly right now, I’m overwhelmed and i’ll do one task and then feel undone, if its something tedious like organizing. It actually makes me sick to my stomach, I hate it so much. I have OCD
obsessive compulsive disarray. lol
now, I’m not a hoarder and I’ve seen, far, far worse and its not like I don’t do anything. I’m constantly cleaning up and putting things away and then it all comes right back! Part of it, is the nature of my biz.
So, its complex. I’m depressed. I’m on meds. I don’t know if they are helping or not. Sometimes, I’m okay and then it comes back.
The worst of it, is letting my mind go back in time…
and then, i feel the intense anger and sadness welling up… that while i was out supporting the family and i thought that my h was doing so “well,” he really wasn’t. And he hid it really, really well!!!!!!!!! I WAS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANY SIGN OF FALTERING AND THERE WAS NONE!!!!!!!
I knew that for a man, his job is just about EVERYTHING. Men define themselves through their work, usually. So, I feared that the loss of his job would have a negative effect. But, what I saw was a husband who totally TOOK OVER the care of the children. I used to joke and call him “my wife.” He helped me with my biz– A LOT. He built me my web site and helped me with a lot of other aspects of my biz.
The only thing that I did notice, was that I would have to repeat simple instructions, 2, 3 or more times, before he got it.
“Did you ask for a cutting for approval?”
him: “no, was I supposed to?”
“Jesus, you didn’t do it??? Damn it. Now, I have to make the call all over, myself and yes, you always need to do that, and I’ve told you that at least three times!”
Yes. I would get annoyed with him because he didn’t seem to be “present.” If he weren’t my h, I would’ve fired him weeks earlier.
but, yes… what I found out later, was that he thought of it, as MY BUSINESS… and that he was working FOR me, instead of WITH me. However, I never ever said that to anyone. I would always say that he was helping me with the business. It was OUR business, because I felt that there was no way I could do it ALL, without him!!!!!!!
I thanked him all of the time, for the wonderful help he gave me.
And then, what did he do? what was he REALLY doing?
Now, it all makes sense. The lack lusterless, the inability to be totally present. Its because he had pussy on his fucked up brain and not trying to be a good husband and provider.
But, even through it all, I thought that he loved me.
But, he doesn’t even really know what love is. His love IQ falls in the severely retarded range!
Now, this is an important point that I would like to make. I don’t believe in “recovery” for men like him. Yes, they may stop acting out and looking at porn. (maybe), but SEX is everywhere! Porn is everywhere! And the other thing, is that thing in their brain that told them that it was OKAY to do this in the first place.
It is beyond compulsion. Yes, that’s part of it, but there’s a disconnect between right and wrong when it comes to certain things. There is his inherent inability to communicate in a deeply intimate way with the woman HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT WITH.
That is not going to change. Its like asking someone really, really shy to become a gregarious social butterfly. Sure, he could do the “work,” go to therapy, do this and do that, but at the age of 60, its not going to change.
And besides, he has a job that pays shit (for the area we live in) and well…
When I hear of Diane and Silver having boyfriends, I feel so jealous. But, I have less than ZERO desire to date or meet anyone new.
and sex?
first of all, I have a nasty viral STD that has refused to go into remission. Condoms do not offer absolute protection. And then there’s the emotional component. I can’t bear the thought of getting hurt again, and not just by my h, but by the other two fucktards I was involved with.
I have so much baggage and no where to dump it. This in turn makes me depressed and despondent and feeling like there’s no hope for me.
i’m damaged and tainted, discarded and nearly 56.
I like youthful, handsome, sexy men. I like a “room with a view.” That’s what I like. I always have and I always will.
Although, my h isn’t actually very dashing. I fell in love with him, because his personality was just THAT wonderful. He was just THAT kind. He was just THAT into me, and on and on… and I found myself finding him hot and sexy and good looking enough.
I thought he loved me and that was enough for me.
Now, after 25 years, I found out, that he was just using me.
the whole time.
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