This is very Funny…!

Ha! After my first d-day, I was going to go to a lawyer but (stupidly) changed my mind and dragged my SA to our Pastor’s office, where he was going to admit everything so we could work it out….well, what ended up happening was that he did not tell our Pastor a single thing that he had done wrong, and gave some speech about how I “don’t communicate well”…..

Two hilarious things that have come out if my husbands mouth:
He told me (when I foolishly pressed for details) that when he and my best friend were in a hotel room, he lay on the bed fully dressed while she undressed in the bathroom because he didn’t think it would be proper to be undressed when she came out. He was concerned about PROPRIETY????

Also, he prided himself that he didn’t use lewd language with the guys like other men. Lucky me. My husband was all bite, no bark.

Oh my goodness,

This is the same for me. My husband says that “We” have communication issues. Yes, it is true if you just think about it from a generalized statement. The two of us do not communicate together well, so in that respect, “we” have communication issues.
Now lets take a deeper look at the reality.

1) He has issues with his family. Does not really have a relationship with parents and siblings. (I had tried for the first half of our marriage to maintain a relationship with them. Realized that it was not going to be easy, but continued even though he said “With my family your damned if you do and your damned if you don’t, so just don’t”

2) Does not have a close relationship with his own children.

3) He does not maintain friendships. I used to think this was a man thing. Now I realize that this is something that many SA’s have in common. Friendships need nurturing. This is something he does not seem to understand.

4) He has been fired from two high level positions with large companies and walked away from another. I was told that this was due to “Different management styles” ( Now that I know about the SA, I am wondering if that played into it at all. Not sure how I could ever find that out.

I do not seem to have these kinds of issues. I am close to my parents and siblings. I have a wonderful relationship with my children. I have many close friends both old and new. Have maintained relationships of co-workers and various boards I have served on.

So who has the communication problem? I have tried to gently tell him this. He just gets all defensive and claims that the communication problem is both of us and if I am not willing to meet him half way to solve it then he is through. He says that he can not fix this by himself.

I understand that obviously it is going to take both of us to work on the relationship. But that he needs to work on a couple things individually first in order for us to move anywhere.

We had a bad counselor that told me that I needed to trust him and jump off the cliff. I needed to trust that he would be there with a net to catch me. I said that I already jumped and he did not put the net out to catch me. I have been so sad as I am stumbling down this cliff hoping that he would reach out his hands by making amends to my sorrow. I know that we are free falling together. His fall started the day I discovered what he has been up to for 26 years. My fall started the day I discovered it, but the speed accelerated when he could not sincerely be in recovery and make amends.

I say that what I need now is for him to build a bridge for me to cross before I can step off that cliff. At this point if I don’t see a bridge, I am not moving. I don’t see how that counselor could tell me to jump off and trust that he will be there after all of this. I obviously stopped going to her.