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im just so pissed off. i dont even think i know all there is to know, not that i want to but everytime i dig through emails I get more mad or when on a whim I check to see if one of his email addresses is registered for a sex site, it almost ALWAYS is. Reading the emails is the worst and the chat logs. I thought I knew everything but I recently discovered by reading emails he had from 2 years ago that he paid a male escort to have sex with another male escort while he wore stockings and jerked off. I want to throw up. And the sick thing is, in the email the male escort was like – nah, not my thing and then my husband said money is no issue and neither is time. When I read that my heart sank. He was always rushing off to work, staying late – he never made time for things with me or the kids because he never had time and he IS cheap, so cheap with us but to watch this men have sex he said money is no issue and neither is time. Is there a point when you just stop reading the emails and stop trying to find out more because it just gets more and more upsetting? Im in the stage where im shocked still and I almost cant believe this is all real so I dig up more stuff, get disgusted, cry, etc. He told escorts he loved them and offered to pick them up from airport. What is pissing me off right now is how nice he was in these emails, I mean, he definately rushed the conversation to get the where are we meeting part and knowing him I can tell he was being nice to get what he wanted but the woman got hooked. I’d see them email him and him not respond and they get all bitchy and even I think to myself, I agree with this woman – he was so charming and sweet and then he fades out and the women get pissed. Which is probably why we have been getting prank calls and nasty letters in the mail. Not to me, to HIM! I assume its one his sluts or a husband of one of them. Any of you all deal with that? We had to change our phone number and I didnt like it but they dont seem to be after me, they are after him – telling him he is gross and to stop cheating. He IS gross. I’m worried he is going to lose his job because I guess someone sent an anonymous letter to his boss telling him that he jerks off all day at work on skype. As i typed that, I actually laughed. I have not been able to laugh about that ONCE but as I typed the words “he jerks off all day at work on skype” it just made me laugh, like, really?!?! Im glad someone told his boss but not glad that he jerks off all day at work on skype – sorry, made me smile, had to type it again. lol. Anyways, im just venting, im mad. I know he is not being honest with me, he only admits to things that I have physical proof of he never admits to anything new and after all the stuff i have seen i know there is always something new to be found out. He doesnt use his phone anymore when he is home. That is the rule, he comes home cell phone goes off – no computer. But that doesnt mean he isnt still in touch when he is at work, that was when he did most his shit anyways. My gut tells me he thinks this will blow over, he will be on his best behavior until things appear to sort of back to normal and then he’ll slowly start back up again. Like, when he thinks the coast is clear. I hate him for being nicer to escorts than me. I hate him for cheating openly, he thought he was being discreet but when you have SO many people that you give your phone number to they can look up who you are. I hate that he cheated, yeah, but I hate that everyone knows just as much. The weird thing is, with SA’s there actions dont speak the truth always. Like, looking back I now know he missed soccer games and stuff with the kids because he was meeting escorts, women or jerking off online but he loves his kids. I dont doubt he loves his kids but those people that say actions speak louder than words would say he loved meaningless trashy women more – and I dont believe that. But I hate him for losing sight of the big picture and only caring about himself. I think he is only trying to get help now because he got busted and because we have this anonymous person busting him out at work and sending him letters, etc. I dont think he is trying to get help because he wants to get better, I think he is trying to get help so he isnt harrassed anymore. Sucks…the whole thing is just so horrible. To the women that have husbands that have one little affair, walk in my shoes for a day. 🙁
Carmen, I’m so sorry for your pain. The pain is so raw right now at discovery. None of the sa assholes seeks treatment for themselves because they want to get better, they only seek help once they get caught. And I agree with you that they’ll only admit to things that you have proof of.
You need to know what your options are, especially if he might lose his job. You need to know where all of your money and investments are, and how much debt you have. Find all of your credit card receipts – you can claim all of the money that he has spent on escorts and web sites as damages if you divorce him. You need to speak to an attorney about how divorce works in your state. You need to find a therapist that works with trauma victims (no Co-addiction therapists).
It all gets real serious real fast once it becomes public and they lose their job. Get all of the info that you can ready.
Good luck! I know that it hurts, but having a plan helps to keep you steady when you’re in the midst of all of this.
Love, AliYes, sometimes you stop looking for your sanity. Other times you force yourself to stop looking, again for your sanity.
You have yourself and kids to watch out for. If the only back he is going to watch is his own as he’s probably getting drilled from behind by a male sexcort then it’s time for a change.
You think he’s getting help? If he’s sincere about recovery you’ll know what’s happening. If that’s a gray area then no he’s not really getting help.
You’re no different than any other woman who wants answers. Some of us don’t look anymore. Some of us still look. It depends on where you’re at as far as being post D day I think.
Carmen, I don’t know your story- been too caught up in my own stuff. But you are clearly traumatized (thus the hypervigilance). Is he is any kind of treatment? Are you?
Can you get him out of the house for awhile? Save all your evidence, back it up and hide it somewhere.
I am sorry for the crap you are having to endure. It is inhuman. Beyond indignity and pain. Take care of yourself, carmen. What do you need?
Carmen I’m so sorry. Your post is heartbreaking as is the situation you are in. We are strange creatures aren’t we? Is it that we are trying to make sense of it all? Is there some part of us that doesn’t believe so we need to see more? When is enough enough?
I’m going through a bad patch at the moment so I was re-reading Barbara Steffens book. I can tell you that her advice to you would be that you know enough and that digging around for more evidence will only hurt you. But you know this yourself.
What your husband has done to you and your family is just awful. What sort of therapy is he having? Are you getting any sort of professional help? Is there any way that you can separate at least for some period of time so that you can get your head together and get some sort of plan in place? xox CatherineTeri, that was great advice – take all the evidence and keep it but back it up somewhere so its not tempting to look at everyday. Thanks for that. Yes, he is going to counseling and I have not thought about myself getting help until recently. I didnt think I needed it but im hurt and I would be helpful to learn how to deal with that hurt so thank for that advice. I agree ‘For Now’ since its a gray area it’s probably a fake recovery. He has not moved out, we have not wanted the kids to know anything is going on or that we are having troubles but that is something to consider – I just hate to have to explain to the kids why he is somewhere else but I know…I know this isnt going to be easy and stuff like that just has to happen. It is good to hear someone say it to me though because I will admit, at times I think – okay, he messed up majorly, he will go to therapy and be all better and this will all go away. But from the research ive done and reading the posts from you all – it isnt that simple. Im still digesting, this is still new to me but my eyes are open now.
Hi Carmen,
what a stinking nightmare!
I’m not going pussyfoot around, I think you get a really good lawyer and therapist, start stuffing money away, and make a plan to escape. I don’t see any reason to endure any more of this. This guy is way too far in to respond to the kind of treatment currently available which is shallow shallow shallow. You need to honour your own life. He’s not going to. EVER.
Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. And then make a plan that will get you there—a plan that doesn’t count on a lying, delusional, deeply disturbed, con artist.
IMO.
I wish I could post happy thoughts on this, but my heart belongs to you and the inestimable value of your life.
Diane.Carmen – I’m still in hypervigilance mode and need to stop. He is moving out today. I’ve been so focused on getting that going that now I’m going to focus on trying to “let go”. I cannot control him and it’s destroying me to be constantly checking up on him. So, I totally understand your desire to want to know everything. But you do know enough. Don’t destroy any of the evidence (I hope you printed or backed up everything on a thumb drive) and only bring it out when you find yourself getting sucked back in and need to be reminded of the depravity of his behavior. In the meantime, start working on a plan to get some time away from him. Focus your energies on ways you can help extradite yourself from him – set up your own bank account, buy gift cards when you grocery shop, etc.
I know, I have 2 young children and it breaks my heart to have to tell them Mommy & Daddy are separating but if I don’t get some time away from him, this will eat me alive and I won’t be a good Mother to them.
Carmen I am so sorry for this pain your in. I hate that they choose their filthy addictions over their beautiful families
Carmen I am still in hypervigilance mode as well. I can’t seem to stop. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had some advice for you. Listen to the experts on this site and try and find a therapist if you can…and FC had great advice as well about the gift cards.
Dear Carmen,
I am very sorry that you husband has turned out to be one really sick individual. Based on what I know I would suggest:
1) accept the fact right now that this is NOT going away-ever. It just doesn’t work that way- that they get therapy and they get better. He will never be better. The most you can hope for is he may be contained- as in the sexual behaviour might stop- the asshole behaviour- not so much.
2) instead of wasting time reading about his sexploits, spend your time gathering EVERY scrap of paper that you can about your finances and where he may have money hidden. Make sure you understand his salary, benefits, life insurance, copies of his tax returns, bank accounts and all important documents. Find them all, copy them all and keep the copies out of the house with a trusted friend. Do NOT let him become aware of what you are doing.
3) find a good lawyer and have a consult to see where you stand
4) find a therapist who understands abuse and trauma- avoid all who believe in co-sexaddiction.
5) if you don’t have any resources contact your local women’s shelter and ask for advice
6) don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth
7) begin to ponder and reflect on the possibles reasons you might have for wanting to be with a man who has sex with other men and treats his hookers better than he treats you. If the reasons are practical ones like money and kids- try to look for options. If the reasons are emotional like you think you love him- address that in therapy, books, journalling, talking to a trusted person.
8) be tested for all STD immediately
9) keep reading hereHang in there. It seems it will kill you but it will not. Karen xx
As long as you are in hyper-vigilance mode collect all the evidence you can. When this all goes south you will need that to limit his alone time with your kids.
You need to think about you and your kids and your future. Don’t feel guilty about that – just do it. I don’t know if your h can ever be ok. You have your sanity, don’t be sucked into his pit. One parent must survive this and you are really the best thing your kids have.
I know, all of our h’s are good dads. Except…..they are all selfish, lying, cheating, manipulating, perverted, assholes. So really how good of a dad can they be? My h was the best dad ever, until I found out that he spied on my girls and their friends when they had sleep overs. ick. And that’s just a little “side” perversion compared to everything else he did.
Karen – such great advice. I should have done this before but I created an SOS file to put words of wisdom in that I can easily refer back to, when needed. Your list is the first in that file.
Carmen,
I also agree with Karen’s post. I only have one thing to add. Start now having official certified or stamped copies of documents mailed to someone you trust that your husband doesn’t know. Birth certificates, marriage license, immunization records, etc. Just have backups in case things go wrong and you need to leave quickly without them. If you have to start over, you don’t want replacing those things to be an obstacle. It’s a good idea overall, anyway, in case of fire or floods.
Honestly, once you are away from the unforgivable behavior of these guys, you can think more clearly and make better decisions overall. I hope you have a chance to get some time apart soon.
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