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I saw a new employer on my daughter’s facebook for her dad. Told the DSS worker who handles the case so they could try to locate him and get some of that back due child support. My daughter saw the paper from DSS that he does not work there.
Instead of her being mad he lied to her, she’s screaming at me “Stop digging into his life, leave him alone, he doesn’t have anything, quit trying to get money out of him”.
Damn, after an entire day of doctor’s appointments with her, and prescriptions to fill, I was hoping that paper was saying they got SOMETHING from him. Anything.
Now she’s not speaking to me. I got mad and said “Why is it that everyone thinks I am the one who can keep this whole family going on my back, alone, forever? And still clean up the mess everyone else creates?” I am not proud of that. I told her she is not mature enough to understand. She said, well you have to learn to leave him alone, he’s done nothing. And I said ‘Exactly” and she just stood there and shrugged and I left.
I am not proud of myself, but I had to try. Why is everyone protected but me and the children? of course we all ask that.
After a day spent at two different doctor’s for tests for her, and two different banks trying to clean up the mess SJ’s lack of deposit created, this is what coming home is like. I have had 17 years of practice, you’d think I could handle parenthood better than this.
She needs to be sentenced to watching a documentary about dead beat dads and the destruction that they cause…..
Sorry Lynn, teenagers irritate me too 🙂
I need to just stop. Everything. Every freaking thing. If I died today, the world would close over and everything would run fine. All the holes would fill with whatever crap everyone is throwing, and the wheels would run as smooth or smoother. At least there wouldn’t be that “thunk/thunk” as the treads ran over my heart to annoy everyone.
Not a suicide note, Just if I had the guts to just walk away and let everything I keep functioning fall and see who ELSE might pick up and try. There is too much for just me, now. But nobody acknowledges that and I can’t hold this weight alone much longer. God don’t send any men, please, please, please, please.
I hear you Lynn. What a bind. Thanks for sharing. How I wish it was easier for you. You are such a kind person and a good mother, it is just not fair.
So sorry, Lynn. I think all this stuff is so overwhelming for kids who don’t have the capacity or resources to understand and cope. They either internalize the pain and take it out on themselves or act out and take it out on those around them.
That’s not an excuse, but if you can see it that way rather than a personal attack, it can help you not take that in. You’ve got so much else you are dealing with already.
It’s so fucking unfair that they system doesn’t care about the messes we are left to clean up in the wake of men who turn out to be assholes. What we go through has no direct monetary measure, so it’s invisible. You are strong, Lynn. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s unfortunate that she saw the papers, but those things happen. Please don’t feel you need to convince her or she needs to understand- that’s giving her way too much power and information. Be a strong mom who can take care of things and who can be trusted to do what’s right for her kids.
Hope I don’t sound lecturing- I’m working this out as much for myself as for you… 🙂
Parenthood isn’t easy and especially teenagers and young adults, plus I think mother-daughter dynamics can be challening not for all but many. Life isn’t fair, there are no guarentees, no warranty. I always assumed there was and boy I was wrong. In the end all we have is ourselves which sounds cliche I know. Sometimes we just have to say were doing the best we can with what we have. It can be discouraging however I think it can be enlightening too many ways. Hope this makes sense.
I appreciate all of you and how sharing helps me put things out and look at them in fresh ways. Counseling helps too, of course. The psychiatrist recommended my daughter go back on meds for a while to stabilize the moods while these other medical issues are hanging over us. I don’t know how I feel about that but she has another primary visit Monday so I can get her opinion on it, too. So many visits to professionals, doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, bankers, lawyers. All those professional recommendations don’t help nearly as much as you sisters most of the time.
I thought about it later and I realize that kids (especially) teenage girls probably romanticize their father. She probably cannot stand to face the fact that he is a loser piece of shit so she makes things up about why he left and why he doesn’t come “rescue ” her and it probably ends up all your fault.
She will grow out of it. In the meantime, maybe just sitting her down calmly and telling her that the child support money is between you and him and the legal system would help. Tell her it is an adult matter and she should not concern herself with it and then offer to answer any questions she has. I would explain to her that when you have a child ( man or woman) that you have a moral, ethical, and LEGAL responsibility to support said child. Tell her that is how the grown up world works.
I agree with Bev – I think with all of the turmoil going on, and denial that her father is what he is can very confusing to a teenage girl. I think as she grows older it will be apparent to her who the good guy is in all of this, and it will not be your ex.
I remember, as a teenager, all the family tried to tell me my Dad was horrible and I should not see him-even threatened to cut me out of the family will. The independent kid I was
I told them I didn’t care about money and saw him anyway.
It didn’t take long for me to see through him myself. Still glad I told my mom and grandmother to take a hike. My mom didn’t see me for 10 yrs., but she finally came around.A lot of counselors, school personnel and family have tried to help her realize that I have to do certain things by law as a responsible parent. Her take on that is that I am a heartless legalist. I try like hell to keep all that stuff out of their awareness. Sometimes, it slips through the cracks when I have a bad day.
Lynng2, I think that daughters do romanticize their dads. My 10 year old daughter is mad at me for asking her dad to leave. It hurts that she feels this way, so I know how hard it is. You are a very good mom. She will get it one day. Figure out what he is all about and the sacrifices you made for her. And what it cost you. You hang in there. My 20 yo son hated that I divorced his dad. He now says that he would not be who he is today if I had not been the tough love kind of mom that I was. And being that kind of mom cost me dearly. But it was worth it and if I had to, I would do it again. 🙂
She seems to use you as her whipping post. That’s hard when you are doing anything and everything to keep it all together. Teenagers can be heartless creatures. 🙁
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