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My husband said something to me a few days ago that I have been mulling over and thought I would share. Recap….he is in sa recovery for 21 months and intimacy anorexia recovery 2 months ( both 12 step programs). All of the therapists we have talked to who deal with both say that the sex addiction recovery is much easier than intimacy anorexia recovery. My husband would agree, he’s doing his work and we are making progress.
Last week, he said that when he started recovery for sex addiction, he didn’t understand what the big deal was with what he had been doing, didn’t understand why I thought this affected me so much, didn’t even begin to understand my pain and that his life would be different in recovery. He started recovery because the choice was be in active recovery or move out I asked him when that changed and he said “6 to 10 months into recovery”. (I don’t think it’s a coincidence that at 10 months into recovery was about when I decided that I could stay married to him if we continued to improve and work on things.) Then he said that he doesn’t understand those things now with the intimacy anorexia issues ( which for me are much more painful than the sa, which was the salt for the anorexia wounds), but that he has faith that if he does his work and keeps doing what he’s supposed to do BECAUSE he’s supposed to do it and there are consequences in his program for not doing it) ……that he will get there, that” a light bulb will go off and I’ll understand what I was doing and how much it has hurt you and how much better my life is and will be because of the recovery from this intimacy anorexia. But right now, it’s really confusing and I’m just putting my faith in the process.”
I believe that we have a better relationship now than we have had in the 31 years that I’ve been with him. If our progress stalled where we are now, I wouldn’t stay with him, because I need more….. but I’m happy with where we are now because it’s a process and because we are moving forward. I told him that when he reaches the point where the light bulb
goes off….I definitely want to be around for that:)
MarieHi Marie,
Thank you for sharing your h recovery with us. He seems to know it will all make sense in time just like with the SA. I’m so happy you have the strength to set clear boundries and he is committed to his recovery. I wish you both all the best!
Love, NapThanks Marie. It is encouraging for all of us to hear these different paths to healing broken people. How fortunate for him that you are there It’s always a bumpy road, but probably less so because of the way you have defined and enforced your boundaries. That first light bulb gave him real hope for the next one. God bless you both
Marie,
I’m so thankful that you shared your husband’s recovery process with us. My husband is 7 months sober and hearing other women share their husband’s successes, while I know it’s difficult, gives me such encouragement.I wish I could sit across a table from you and pick your brain because I know it’s been a rough road for you and I’d love to know where you pull your strength from on the tough days.
I’m so happy to hear that you both continue to move forward 🙂
hugs,
SSGreat update. Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction. Your husband is quite humble, to explain that he is willing to sit UNDER the direction of others, even when it isn’t all fun and games. He doesn’t understand everything, but at least he is NOT trusting himself, like many people do. I have read that a fool won’t listen to instruction, but a wise person will, and will learn from it. Hugs, B. Trayed
Marie,
I am so happy for you. The very fact that your H has chosen formal recovery is great but that he is anticipating wellness with his efforts and will share that with you must be such sweet words to your ears.
You said that you have an otherwise very compatible relationship; like each other. So in what ways was he anorexic with you? What are some specific exercises and tools that he is learning and using in recovery? How well is he integrating those tools into natural behavior? I mean, is he robotic? I remember hearing that with anoexics, they are responsible for 100% of the initiation. Do you help him along or smooth over the awkward start? Do you go to him and intiate intimacy? I don’t mean sex here, I mean something like telling him how much you love him while looking in his eyes and hugging him or that he is so attractive to you when he’s cooking?
Is he doing a call in group with H2H?
Thanks Marie for your sharing. I am encouraged by your success.
Love, Debora
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