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Dear All:
I have been giving a lot of thought to what makes many of us stay in abusive relationships. And let’s face it, SA is abuse. With many accompanying abusive traits that go beyond infidelity.
I keep thinking of a well televised battered woman a few years ago. She was african – american— and the H had her son video tape on camcorder, him smacking her around in front of the kids. She was interviewed many times. H got 25 yrs in prison I believe. The highest sentence for a domestic violence crime.
And in anyone’s mind we think– how did she allow that? Well they were married 10 years. I guarantee it didn’t start year 1. The abuse started small, verbal, then control, and then threats to finally smacking her around.
Now, what the camcorder didn’t catch. Is that likely the night before or week before, they were all sitting at the dinner table looking like a loving family. normal routines. they all watched a movie together. they may have even made love. as much as she could anyhow.
It is the periods of hope (oh we have a different therapist, oh he’s journaling, oh he has not acted out in 3 mos) whatever the criteria is — that keeps us on the cycle. If the abuse can stop for 2 weeks– why not forever?
That is what makes divorcing and leaving these guys so difficult. Not only will some behave for a little while, they actually show some progress. and we are sucked in all over. into the powerful vacuum of addiction and relapse and hurt and pain. the cycle never ends, until recovery has history. until we can seperate ourselves out of their problem. with whatever that takes. The honeymoon is easy, we attain a little bit of normal. But the cost is still high. because what waits around the corner (unless REAL committment to recovery is being made) is the same old abuse.
Pam,
What a great post and well thought out. My therapist said the honeymoon period is the crumb period. It’s what they will throw at us to keep us hooked. They are not worth it. The price we pay for those crumbs is way too high.Love, Nap
My therapist described it as an abusive cycle – especially when they relapse/are active addicts. It’s different if they have true sobriety and stay in recovery.
She explained the cycle to me as: He hurts me (even if it’s not his intent), the AO and lies are discovered by me or via him doing a “confessional”, he apologizes, makes promises and a new apparent commitment to his recovery, reels me in again and I get hope that maybe this time will be different, I begin to feel better for about 2 weeks and we spend more time together (the calm period), he shows progress/change or lies about the progress/change… then relapses and hurts me again, then it repeats over and over.
I actually had a psychic reading done by a woman who knew very little of my situation/life. She defined my relationship and future with my partner with one word: Abuse.
Yes all, SA is abuse, and, if they are not totally committed to their recovery and are receiving professional help for their PD issues as well as the SA, then they will continue to cycle.
I wrote an article on the cycle of abuse on the married site almost exactly two years ago. Here’s a link to that article:
Hi Victoria,
yes. that sounds like the cycle all right, the broken record played over and over. It is posted over and over again our site from the frustrated and heart broken wives.
I mean when does recovery have a chance at lasting? being sustained? is every time they behave better, go to counseling a false positive? it seems to be the case in so many scenarios. I wish I knew the magic formula that keeps an addict committed to recovery. I wish I knew what can encourage it as a partner of an addict. i am starting to think the only way to lovingly escort them down recovery road, is by leaving them. i am starting to beleive that if by staying, after a perod of time there is no real recovery, then lovingly removing ourselves is a MUST. not a maybe. just my 2 cents
I also think leaving is necessary. Both the partner and the addict need time to decide what they want, and the partner has to see significant (in my case, years) of sobriety and commitment.
I truly believe that it is nearly impossible for the addict to get their shit together while they still have a convenient scapegoat, excuse or battering ram nearby.
And, I also think it is impossible for the partner to work through the trauma, gain from personal counseling, rediscover her own boundaries and find the quiet time to reflect and make good decisions for herself while sleeping with the enemy.
Just my two cents. ~ JoAnn
I have been saying this. The idiots treating partners should be treating them JUST as they would a battered woman instead of feeding them pie in the sky recovery BS and telling them they need to make amends in a 12 step group. You know I believe ABSOLUTELY that these men ONLY ever modify their behavior if they stand to lose something they don’t want to lose…like money or their image. I think the minute you do NOT have their feet to the flame they immediately go back to their old ways. This is only my view.
As a former battered woman (physical) – I can tell you, that this SA stuff is worse. The reason why I tolerated my first batterer husband was that I truly believed that I did something to cause it…when I saw him terrifying our kitten, I knew that it wasn’t me and moved out. My mother has emotionally abused me most of my life, so I have a high tolerance for it. Dr. Minwalla in LA was very clear that as partner’s of SA’s, we are subjected to DV (domestic violence) and I keep reminding myself of that.
I agree – I think that time away is the only way to get sanity for more than a day. SAs are so up and down, that it’s hard to “detach with love” living with them. I’ve tried to do it and my hubby then freaks out and reels me back in with veiled threats, and if that doesn’t work – then he’ll try the blame game, compliments or affection. I’m so tired of the game.
I think my husband (maybe?) was in real recovery for 2-3 weeks in Jan. (when he thought I was going to leave him) and then he ran scared for whatever reason and has gone back into denial, blame, deflection, stalling, etc. I’m over it. Back to “detach with love” – and the love part of that is getting harder and harder as I’m losing respect. I’ve heard the “one step forward, two steps back” thing to recovery – and it’s brutal. I’d love to be out of the theater, but that’s hard to do without upsetting the kids, but I’m beginning to realize that it might be necessary for 1) me to keep my sanity, and 2) for him to realize what he has to lose if he doesn’t get serious about his recovery.
Of course, now with our baby nephew’s situation worsening (they took him out of an induced coma today and he isn’t moving so they will likely pull the plug next week) – and CPS and the police are investigating my SIL and her nanny – this will have to go on hold. My husband flies back from NYC tomorrow – so I have to be a supportive friend (not wife). Let’s hope the abuse stops for now.
Pam – thanks for bringing up this important topic. I know that I forget/am in denial about the abuse that we all go through from this insidious disease.
Deb,
Thinking of you all and that little baby–my heart breaks for you and your family.
Also, these posts are excellent…xoxo
Hello
KMF– right on. The times I have seen the most result? when divorce and leaving was being pursued. And he has much to lose.
Deb: so sorry for your pain and prior mistreatment and abuse. awful. It’s funny you mention a “2-3week period” of a real recovery effort. So far, that is about the longest I have seen from my SAH intermittantly over last 18 mos. 3 weeks on, 4 mos off. there have been a few periods where I saw some progress, but it was followed by a juggling act. replaced drugs/alcohol for sex with hookers. This cannot and will not be allowed any more in my home. and if I need a different home to ensure that– well then, I DO. DAMN IT.
Well – seems that I had a day of honeymoon. My hubby flew back from NYC and was an emotional mess but very contrite and loving. He is very distraught, understandably, about our baby nephew and his sister, so his narcissism was not evident (what a relief!). We both are fairly sure that his sister couldn’t possibly have been the perpetrator of this heinous act on her baby – but one never knows, do we? The brain can do funny things as a result of childhood trauma. I keep using this as an example of the potential seriousness of his and his sister’s shared covert incest trauma at the hand of their sicko mother.
Anyway – he came off the plane like a scared boy. He said that he was worried that I am going to leave him (given the email that I sent him about what happens if he ignores my safety list) – and he also keeps saying that he doesn’t think that I’ll ever be able to forgive him and he’s afraid that I’ll keep adding to my “safety list”. Not sure what he’s looking for from me? I gave him a “get out of jail free” card given all this covert incest SA induced stuff – and that if he gets into serious recovery, then he can stay – but he’s balking at that which just makes me want to rip the card from his pro paying little hand and run for the hills.
He keeps on saying that he can control his compulsion now that he knows what it is (weak, older women) and is working on it in therapy – but I’m not so sure. I’m very fearful given his sordid, escalating track record, and that he admitted that he likes to “spin” the truth to make himself look good. How can one trust after that?
So…..he thinks he can control his demon now that he knows what it is, and that I will trust him over time. He did admit today, however, that he knows that he needs to work on my “safety list” but that he has a lot on his plate right now and he doesn’t want to be pushed. (stall, stall, stall, blah, blah, blah).
Given what’s going down (baby nephew dying, he has an inflammed brain lesion, and his job isn’t that secure)….how much time does that buy? (I know, March, none!)….but seriously, what’s a reasonable amount of time – two weeks? Until after the funeral and his doctor’s appt.? He did agree to move to sleep in another room (after a humorous teenage hissy fit of “if you make me move to another room then I’m just going to move out” crap. I was an interested, observor to his tantrum – and I very importantly zipped my lips. It was fun to see him squirm and move his stance (well – I guess that’s OK).
I did tell him that sex is off the table until he starts doing my “safety list” (our marriage counselor is getting annoyed with me for slipping in that arena, although my own therapist says – why not use him if you have an itch?). So – there you go. One somewhat decent day with a contrite, on his back legs hubby. I have to say, I have rarely seen him cry, and today was an exception. What a tragedy this is….
Thanks for all your prayers and kind thoughts.
Deb
Deb, I would take it one thing at a time for right now. I am so terribly sorry about your nephew, and can’t even imagine the multiple traumas you’re going through right now. I think if I were you, for now I would just quietly sit for a few minutes and think about what you want for *today* only. A family tragedy like you’re experiencing is impossibly hard under any circumstances, but given what you’re having to deal with on top of that, you need some time to just clear your head, and take it day by day for a little while. Your little nephew and family are in my prayers. xoxo
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