Throwing a rock at the lamp post…

Helen- I also sometimes forget where I hid things! And until I got my locks changed, I was loading everything into the trunk of my car everytime I left the house. It is insane.

Does you H not want the divorce?

Their lawyers are telling them to watch it. SA is not quite as unknown problem as one might think. Divorce lawyers sometimes know what they are up against with SA clients. It all depends on state.

As a military spouse, I am lucky, I come to find out. The military as an institution, and the free legal services, and the family services that they offer are very knowledgeable about SA, as I come to find out. They have adviced him to be on his best behavior. They told him to take care of his children, (and even his wife) so that he cannot be seen as someone abandoning or deserting his family. His commanding officers can give him a direct order to do just about anything. Technically, if he were to disobey, it could be considred a treason!!! Would you believe that one?

SA is not some obscure problem of which just a few of our hubbies suffer. There are many lawyers, judges, and therapists who know what is all about. It is not any different from any other addiction. Any judge that deals with drug/ alcohol /gambling addicts has heard the same excuses. They weren’t born yesterday.

If you don’t have a lawyer who knows the in-and-outs about SA, find one, or educate him/her. SA may not be a diagnosable disease by the DSM but still, there is plenty of literature out there you may be able to use to sway a judge that is “real”.

The military CSAT that we saw talked about an “epidemic” among military, especially. Maybe a lawyer that specializes in military divorces. They may have the expertize you need.

PS. That movie. “Sleeping With The Enemy”!!!! I used it as an example to my friends as how I feel about my marriage. And they all can see my point of view a whole lot better. If not entirely!

but your post is great you had summarized the issues very well, and I am curious to why you can not forgive this immoral sociopath ( really they expect forgivness for these horrible crimes they commit, what kind of idiots are they )

What kind of idiots sleep with sociopaths and cheaters? U know I don’t think you are an idiot but LADIES…come the fuck on now?!

I don’t like to hear any of us (myself included) say, “He refuses…such and such.” Especially when it is something as close and personal as sleeping in our beds. The fact is, if they’re in our beds, it’s because we allow it. Their “refusal” usually just means they don’t want to and we don’t have the energy (or desire) to argue it. NO ONE would be in my bed without my permission. I wouldn’t let my neighbor come over and crawl into my bed. I’d by-god get him out. It might mean making a lot of noise, or calling the police, or sicking the dog on him, but I wouldn’t simply roll over. It DOES make perfect sense that he wants the status quo–and also that WE do (the status quo as it appeared before). We’ve learned, over the years, to take the path of least resistance. That’s not ok anymore. We must RESIST, make changes, come at this from another angle. We have to find our justified and righteous anger and the strength it provides us. Yes, we put up with whacked out shit! We shouldn’t. And as for tolerance, many of us were raised by narcissists, and/or were abused in childhood. We ALREADY had a higher tolerance for dysfunction–TOTALLY FUCKED UP is my baseline. That too needs to change.

Dear Nap, anorexia and hair-pulling–more we have in common. I still pull my hair out, but it’s controlled. No bald spots.

I like that saying “when we are children…we are victims….when we are adults we are volunteers.” Don’t volunteer to risk your own health.

It is so ABNORMAL to be sexually starved for years and years. I do understand that. 🙁

I think it can be changed. As a woman, I now have the power I didn’t have as a child. Though I have a high tolerance for dysfunction, at least I can recognize what that is. And I CAN choose not to put up with it. I do not NEED my sa in order to survive, the way I needed my parents. The trick is to stop depending on the old survival tactics that kept us alive but are no longer necessary. For instance, I’m awesome at walking on eggshells, and at keeping myself under the radar when things get loud and ugly. I instinctively go fetal and silent. I dissociate. I’m learning, though, that it’s more effective to get BIGGER and not back down. And if he hits me, well, i might just kill him…

March and NAP – That’s my coping mechanism also. I go fetal and silent – probably why I went to our bed when we found out about my SA (like March with her dogs in the bed). I also dissociate – I don’t remember being hit by my first husband – just knew it because I had a black eye. It was a coping mechanism that worked for me so I don’t beat up myself about it. High tolerance is my middle name. But at least I recognize it now…..and moving toward valuing myself and fighting back.

Funny – I usually get activated when I see the abuse from the perpetrator to someone close to me. I left my first husband when I saw him abusing our kitten (I thought to myself – that kitten doesn’t deserve it – neither do I). It will be interesting to see if something triggers me to leave my SA (a relapse will likely do it) – and then I’ll throw the rock at the lampost and never look back. (which is what I did with my first husband – moved out and never talked to him again).

Probably the most helpful thing I ever heard from Dr. Minwalla is that SA IS domestic abuse. I keep repeating that to remind myself what it really is. It’s rage misdirected at us in one of the most personal and hurtful ways. I would take a slug to the eye any day vs. this.

Deb

march,

this really struck me: I do not NEED my sa in order to survive, the way I needed my parents.

i’m going to think on that one. thank you

KMF, you are still married to your SAH, how do you do it?
and why are you still married to him?