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Hi ladies,
Just as background, I see a therapist who is not well-versed in sex addiction. But she’s been a comforting person to talk to, has good insights in general, and she definitely does not feel partners are co-addicts or co-dependent as a rule. At a recent session, I was talking to her about PTSD, and asking about how it was diagnosed, and then, if felt to be present, how it was treated. The reason I asked is because I feel like my flashbacks and emotions have been so much worse after my second d-day (3/11), than after the first one (6/09). I’m having so much trouble getting out of this “place.” I’m triggered (although I hate that stupid word) easily, and cry almost daily (even though I’m on an antidepressant). Anyway, after I asked about it, she said, “well, I think describing it as PTSD is a bit strong. I mean, I can see that you’d be UPSET, but…” and blah, blah. Her reaction almost made me feel like I was insulting war veterans, or those who we “typically” think of as having PTSD …almost embarrassed me, if that makes sense. For some reason, that reaction is just sticking with me. Maybe I’m just crabby and tired from all this SA crap and feeling like I understand it more than my therapist (and SA’s therapist, to be honest)… My therapist is not even sure she buys it as an addiction. I can actually appreciate that sentiment, and I know many of you ladies are standing up and cheering, lol! 🙂 But her lack of conviction is unsettling. I sometimes feel like I’m going to therapy and it’s the blind leading the blind, which, on some days, makes me feel even more tired and defeated. Make sense? I guess I’m trying to sort out the pros and cons of staying with this therapist, and hopefully just writing it out will help me do that. In the meantime, any thoughts or insights?Thanks!
Love ZGHi zumbagirl- I think some of us are so well versed on the subject of SA that we can be more knowledgable than our therapist or our sa’s therapist. I know, in my case, I was way beyond what my counselor had to offer, and with Steve’s counselor-He has not told Steve anything more than whatever I have told Steve myself.
Sometimes, I think they are just a waste of time, and it boils down to if an sa wants to recover, it has to be shere determination. A Counselor, SAA groups aren’t going to cure him-he has to have the motivation.Dear Zumbagirl,
I would be concerned with that sort of a reaction too. It doesn’t seem appropriate for her to be deciding who is traumatized by what? I think your initial discovery was bloody horrifying in and of itself?? The shock alone? Now you are finding yourself stuck and recycling and NOT feeling like you are moving forward……You don’t have to have full blown PTSD in order to benefit from trauma therapy. You may not have to give up your therapist BUT you made need to add another one into the mix…someone who can help you process those memories and images? If she doesn’t believe it is an addiction then she has to believe he is a nasty piece of work and I fail to see how she thinks any woman can live with an abuser and NOT end up traumatized?? Follow your gut as I think you are correct in feeling what you feel. Karen xx
Sharron is right. Sometimes we know more than the therapist.
Have you made reference to Dr. Barbara Steffins research into PSTD in the lives of spouses of sex addicts? You could give her the book title and her web address.And I’m very sad you are having such a hard time right now. I don’t know the “why” of what sets us off or calls us back to the worst of our feelings. I only know it happens, and we rarely see it coming. But it won’t last forever, dear ZG. You will feel better. But I wish we could do something right now for you. Please stick up for yourself, though, if you feel you are losing out because of your therapist’s limitations. If it’s time to move on to another therapist, don’t be afraid to look elsewhere.
For what it’s worth, I think you are an extraordinary woman, and I KNOW you are going to make it out of this mess.
love,
diane.Hi ZG,
In my opinion, if you’re educating the therapist, it’s time to find a good one. They are few and far between however they are out there. If she is minimizing your trauma and symptoms, I agree with how you’re feeling about her.
Love, NapI agree with Diane zg, (and I am so sorry for all you have been through. and now to almost have to “prove” to your therapist that you are traumatized. so unfair) The 2 therapists we saw in our town were clueless. The 2 therapists that my b.i.l. and his wife are seeing do not believe in sa and have “graduated them both from therapy”. I know my bil will mess up again. he has been doing it for 30 years. That is one of the things that convinces me my h cant do it. If his brother cant why do I expect him to?
anyways my point is they are not always right. and unless they have walked the walk and talked the talk, I really don’t think they can relate. THIS IS LIKE A REALLY BAD LIFETIME MOVIE! If your therapist is brushing you off you need to see someone who gets it. YOU are too important. YOU are not making this shit up ~who could. YOU need support and encouragement.
I hate your therapist. sorry. I just know how great you are and how bad this sucks, and you deserve better.
Hi ZG,
I kind of know how you feel. My therapist is not educated in sex addiction. She is a Marriage and Family counselor. I knew that going in, but she was the only one in the area that I could get an appt. with that was covered under our insurance. She makes a really good friend to talk to, and she does have some very good insights into my way of thinking. But, after a year of seeing her I decided I didn’t need to see her anymore. I’ll keep searching for a new one, but in the mean time .. . you guys are my therapist!
Much love, my friend. Claire
Claire, I echo your sentiments. I think she’s been important because she’s been a “real” face-to-face person to share all of this with.
Diane, I have not given her the book title or website yet. I thought about it, but then felt hesitant…ie, like I would be insulting her knowledge. Yes, I know–slap on the wrist for me–I don’t need to think about it that way. In fact, as Barbara points out (in the wonderful seminar JoAnn posted here), so many therapists need to be educated. At the very least, maybe she’d read it and become ready for the next partner that comes her way. I think therapists are going to be seeing many more of us from the way things look. And thank you so much for your kind words. You really lifted me up!
And thank you all so much for your posts and wisdom. I think I will continue my search for someone who “gets it”, and maybe at the same time continue to educate my current therapist–“pay it forward”, so to speak.Lots of love to you all,
JulieHey ZG! I just discovered there are a lot of therapists who do phone and/or online sessions if you don’t live in an area with someone available. I have gone through 3 therapists so far (in six months) and feel that what I keep searching for is someone who understands the situation better (SA) and can actually deal with PTSD. I knew immediately after reading Dr. Barbara Steffins books and my SAH was also told by the men in his SAA group who were making progress that this is a CRITICAL step…I know everyone is different but I am about to see my FOURTH therapist tomorrow for the first time and she specializes in SA so I’m really excited to find out if she’s the “one” (I will keep you updated). Is there anyone out there who is already seeing a therapist who handles PTSD????
Thanks, JLB! I’ll search for some phone/online options! Good luck tomorrow, and please do keep us posted!! xoxo
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