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So, the latest D-day was just over 4 weeks ago. I asked SAH to go sleep at his mum’s and he’s been there since then. We’ve had 2 conversations. He asked for one early on – I lost my temper (it wasn’t pretty). I asked for one to clarify our arrangements around finance and childcare. He contributed very little to conversation, although I was calm and gave him the opportunity to speak first. On top of that, we have occasional contact as we have a 5-y-o son and have to do handovers every few days where we are always civil, but there’s no opportunity for real conversation.
He’s playing the “depressed” and “addict” cards. He claims he’s going for counselling and to an SAA group. It’s all part of a passive / aggressive powerplay to impress his mum and sister. He mopes about and gets all the sympathy while I have to cope and look like a hard bitch.
I’m the main breadwinner. I can’t afford to be off work. We need my salary to pay mortgage, bills, etc. I’m primary carer for my son so when I’m not working I’m looking after him (he’s a joy, but negotiating mealtimes, bathtimes and bedtimes after a hard day’s work can be a little tiring at times).
So, then I have to put up with texts from his sister saying how concerned she is about SAH’s mental state and how worried she is about the effect this is all having on our son. Really?? She hopes we can “figure it out and find a way through it”. Really??
That would require her passive/aggressive, SA brother to man up and actually have an adult conversation, which is not going to happen in this lifetime. I’ve been married to him for 7 years and every meaningful conversation in our marriage has been started by me. Well, not this one.
Be assured, I am doing everything in my power to ensure my son feels loved and secure, given the horrible circumstances we find ourselves in. But I will not succumb to this passive / aggressive crap.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening/reading!
Lynne
Lynne,
Mine plays that “poor me, I’m a victim” crap, too. It’s so typical. It sounds like yours has his sister doing some of his dirty work, playing the child card, trying to make you out as the bad guy who won’t work it out. I’ll bet you are just rolling your eyes.Is today just “angry” day here at SOS? It’s funny how we come up with these themes spontaneously.
Just keep up your non-talking strategy. He’s just wants you to react to prove his point about what a victim he is. It’s maddening, I know. I can’t imagine what it does to our insides every time we have to put up with this kind of shit.
So vent it here and get plenty of downtime to take care of yourself and be with your son.I am a mother and a sister. I have a son. I freakin guarantee you that I would never condone or downplay such behavior in my brother or my son. I have come to the conclusion that these mothers and sisters are as fucking sick as the SA`s.
You are doing a great job Lynn and maybe ( call me crazy) your H should have thought about his son before he broke his marriage vows. Maybe he skipped the consequences lesson taught by his sainted family ( puke).
Thanks, Teri.
It does feel as if she’s making me out to be unreasonable. The emotional part of me wants to send her over some of the videos he made of himself wanking or some of the pics with the cum artfully arranged on his thigh that he sent to his sex chat buddies, but then my logical side kicks in and I realise that would be overstepping the mark.
I’m better than that. If he provokes a reaction like that, he wins.
Thank God for the safety valve of SOS!!
Lynne
Thanks Bev.
I do think that mothers and sisters play a part when they don’t hold SAs accountable. My M-I-L thinks I should just be glad he’s not addicted to alcohol or gambling!!
Lynne
i second that MILs play a huge part. i think mine was and continues to be a great contributor to this mess!
I see no need for the delicate restraint, personally. I would absolutely send Sis a couple of those pics. She’d shut the fuck up.
Sis started the back and forth. I would finish it with the artfully arranged cum shot. I wouldn`t feel bad for a second. She should have shut her damn mouth.
I live 1000km from mil’s. I haven’t seen them in 4 years but I keep in touch with his bro’s wife regularly. Turns out he’s been lying to them. I’m hearing it all from SIL 1st hand. He’s distorting everything to his advantage so I look like a nut and he’s the one who just had “A” affair. He forgot to mention that he has porn induced ED and that’s why he wasn’t getting any. But no, as far as they know I drove him to it. That’s just a sample of what he’s told them. He has no idea that I know all this stuff so it’s been pretty interesting playing from the other side. The lies he tells me to cover up the other lies he’s told them are astounding. His organization of the lies are fascinating as well. He’s pretty good as he doesn’t miss a beat. He doesn’t want me to talk to them and he’s doing all this to prevent it. It’s been a learning curve just watching to see the lengths he’ll go to to pull the lies off.
Lynne,
You sound very centered and know hogwash when you hear and see it. It’s so good you know yourself so well and see the truth and the con attempts so clearly.Apples don’t fall far from the tree and mom and sister are in la la land likely along with you h. Some people create an altered reality and think they really live there. I know my h does and his family was a matching set. It’s when we confront their altered reality they “no like”, so we usually are punished in some way, shape, or form. It’s really predictable even while their behavior is so irratic.
I wish you all the best. You sound very strong and smart. You are hard working and a great mom. He’s a loser!
Love, Nap
With a capital L. You’re doing great, Lynne, and I’d definitely send the evidence to his enablers.
I’ve thought of sending a few visual aids to my MIL. I’ve talked to her quite a bit on the phone, and she’s completely disappointed and heartbroken that Junior turned out just like his dear ol’ dad. But blood is thicker than water, and I know she’ll protect her little boy in the end.
In one e-mail, she told him that when my mom brought up his porn habit on the phone to her, she claimed that SA and I hadn’t had sex in five years (a total lie) . . . as an excuse.
Well, my mom ain’t dumb, she knows the truth from me, and besides — I HAVE THE FREAKING E-MAIL IN MY POSSESSION. So there!
“His organization of the lies are fascinating as well. He’s pretty good as he doesn’t miss a beat.”
Mine thinks he’s a great liar, tiredofit, and he is . . . but only to a degree. I have more than one example of him contradicting himself in his own writing! I can shoot down any credibility he has with anyone soooooo fast.
Thanks for all your support. What is it about society that we sometimes feel bad for being smart, successful women? I’ve worked hard to get where I am (while SAH has sat on the sofa watching reality TV and jerking off). And when the shit hits the fan, my success is part of the problem. His lazy-arsed ways are “just how he is”.
Sometimes I feel that I’m on top of it, but other times I feel that I’m hanging by my fingetips. It’s those times that the propaganda gets to me: SAH’s depressed and needs support – keeping the family unit together would be best for my son – if only I’d been more understanding/eager to please it wouldn’t have happened.
I know it’s all BS. He’s been lying to me and his family for years (about this and other stuff).
Today I’m making a resolution. I’m going to identify the people in my life who are as positive as you guys here and I’m going to spend more time in their company. I’m going to drop or minimise contact with the people in his camp. I need to spend less time thinking about him and more time caring for me.
There was talk of a goals group. If it gets going, I’ll post this commitment there so that I can hold myself accountable to it.
I totally agree with you Lynne. I like your plan and I too would like a goals group. It’s a really neat idea.
lynnemac,
That is a great goal. This crap creates trauma bonds with the people you associate with which are stronger than our usual bonds. So building them with healthy people is especially important.
My MIL is in complete denial that she is married to an alcoholic, SA, narcissistic loser. He lives in this addicted world with him and she enables everything. My FIL is a monster that she helped create. My MIL calls it LOVE.
Soooo now that my husband (their son) has been caught in his affair and the walls started to crumble around him and the shit was reveled, they can’t understand that I can’t just get over it and return to “one big happy family”. WTF…she doesn’t mind that her husband f’ other woman. She turns a blind eye. She “swings” when he says “swing”. But nobody is supposed to know and they don’t talk openly about it. (But we know because Emails were found and they used to throw sexual swinging parties when my husband was growing up). Anyway…this is what I am up against. She calls it LOVE. I call it abuse. Sorry if this post is choppy. I am really pissed off about it all. In addition to recovering from my husbands shit I am trying to recover from the knowledge that my inlaws (especially my FIL) really only care about themselves and I am not the victim.
I mean that my inlaws don’t care about me.
Just really sad and pissed off about the whole thing that I have a hard tome expressing my thoughts. Thank you sisters for your support.
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