Tired of the rage and the triggers

deb,

so sorry to hear your pain. the lack of empathy is so infuriating! the way lili described it to me is that the SAs have so much shame, they are like whirlpools, and if they get anywhere near them, they get sucked down, so they will do anything to avoid the self loathing they feel.

i don’t know if they ever feel true empathy. my Sa is only 5 months in, so none of his feelings seem authentic to me. but i think they are emotionally crippled for life.

so sad, so unfair. i’m so sorry

lisa

And the bad memories…they NEVER go away. Ask ANY woman on here

Yeah i agree with that for the triggers BUT the memories….i don’t think ANY of us will forget what they did to us and I don’t think we should. All this diminishing triggers is nothing more than an attempt to sweep everything under the carpet. those triggers are there for a reason…to remind you to protect yourself.

You want remorse.. throw them out… Fake as it may be , you get a ton of it 🙂

You can’t heal until he stops wounding you. When the grief exceeds the means…get rid of the grief. You’d have to become exactly like him (and you will the longer you stay) emotionless, selfish, turning outside the marriage for emotional intimacy and even company. Lobotomy might be the only cure. 🙂

I don’t think the triggers ever stop. It always a little burn waiting for some fuel. I know that everyone’s experience is just a little bit different, but I have to say that my SA never showed remorse. He felt sorry for himself, but was never able to connect emotionally with what I was experiencing. He moved out of the house because it was to intense to be under the same roof. He than served me with divorce papers. I was never able to heal because he continued to wound me. I hate to say that I am still reeling from it all and having problems believing wtf happened. One moment I am strong with the knowledge I have gained and the next moment I am weak with the heaviness of it.

It takes a long time sisters and each of us have our own unique abilities to cope.

Hugs,
Cindy

That is why I still say it is NOT a sex ADDICTION!! It is pure unabated, unchecked narcissism. I know there are underlying causes and traumas and all sorts of reasons BUT sex is NOT an addiction. Sex is a natural human act. The underlying PD`s could manifest in drugs or alcohol or eating disorders..etc… But they didn`t. For most, it is as simple as they wanted to fuck different women so they did. Does not matter why….IMO

I like how he wants special treatment because he showed you his golf course. I mean, really?

But how long did you girls rage?? Did you rage? I know I’m not supposed to be having contact, bu I’m kind of like in Victoria’s option 2. I know the healthy thing for me right now is to have no contact with him. For me, it’s just not possible right now. I’m not there yet. I’m in punishment/revenge mode. How long beforee the triggers stop causing rage. I just want to slap the hell out of him when he doesn’t answer a question right. And believe me, I’m not a violent person.

Jules

I rage pretty much daily. Alone in the house right now, so there’s a lot of crying, screaming, and cussing going on.

A glass of Pinot sounds good too, though!

Jules,

This is one of those not so positive posts. And a long one, at that. Fair warning: If you are hoping for a happy ending, I’m not there yet. Just answering what my experience has been. It surprises me daily. I am relatively new to the SA experience, in terms of the overall length of the SOS relationships here. 10 mos.

A weird side benefit to my SAH losing his job due to SA, he had to get a new job and the one he found was 5 states away. So, SA is out of my day to day life, effectively.
However, I still rely on his income. Though I have made it perfectly clear to him that we are separated and I am NOT joining him in his new home state, he is refusing to accept that and is still putting money into the joint account.
A blessing to me and the children, because he is not, nor will he be when the divorce is final, legally required to do so.

SO… I talk to him nightly, very briefly because he calls to read to my son. A tradition we always kept and SAH is loathe to give up. Don’t worry, I have it on speaker, I know what is going on 100%. In order to keep SAH from cutting the money off before I can work again (hoping for late Sept/early Oct) I just try to keep the peace there.

Everyone always says just don’t talk/text with SA. I don’t have that option unless I want 0 in bank acct. But the contacts don’t let me put this to rest. I have nightmares, still, almost every night. I turn over comments SAH makes in my mind when I am not careful, and try to fit them with other comments and KNOW there are lies upon lies happening there where he is. And it still hurts even though I expect nothing from him at all. I know he’s just plain lost. And I”m just plain gone. But knowing someone can do that to you does a number on your head.

ALL SAID to give background to this reply.

I have rage all the time, even with that much room to breathe. I have responded with tremendous visceral responses (nausea, sweating, shortness of breathe, dizziness, cramping, shakes) many, many times when SAH has texted or said something that triggers my hurt, betrayal, fear or anger. Mostly how he is “committed to his family”, that just puts me in a tailspin. He lost everything: home, job, community respect, professional credibility, and two families in a row, to his behavior, and still insists he is the committed, devoted husband and father. Always has been. It is all so absurd. I don’t even call him a liar, anymore. It’s wasted breath. He’s a prince in his own little world.

I am getting better at curbing it but the response tears me up all day long, and usually means I don’t sleep. This even with two meds to help me keep the anxiety under control. (Just discontinued those, though. I hate the side effects.)

Last night, though, I was triggered in a public place with friends and I just lashed out so violently I excused myself and went and sat in my van in the parking lot until I was not literally seeing red. I went today and apologized to the people involved. They said no worries, but I felt like such a bitch to pull out the guns and blast people who were just having fun.

A girl who did not know us saw me dancing with my male friend, one of a group of people who have joined to support a local band when they play on weekends. Friends and family of the band members, hoping to build a name for them so their families can enjoy a little extra money from this time intensive hobby/side business. And they are just fun to interact with and listen too.

While we were there, dancing around, this sweet, beautiful 18/19 year girl walked up to me and my male friend and said “Wow, how long have you guys been married? You are the CUTEST couple ever?” My friends just laughed, him too, but I was off and running before she had even stepped back.

“Married… what the hell makes you think we’d look so happy if we were married? And that we’d actually be having FUN! I guaranteed you he’d be dancing with someone else if we WERE married, and I’d be wanting to scratch her eyes out…” and a few more things that I was actually too mad to even remember saying.

The poor girl turned five shades of pale and stumbled away. I can’t even blame it on drinking. I had two beers and had stopped at least an hour before. Whoa. I was WAY, WAY off base. And that is so not like me, I turned and fled to some privacy to cool down. When I got back, my friends just held my hands and told me it would be ok. No worries, it’s all over and SAH’s not here. They knew. I cried just a bit, that they forgave me so easily for being inexcusably rude and vulgar.

When will this end? I don’t know, sooner rather than later, I hope.

Jules, I know that’s not a very positive response. But one that says the world keeps turning and friends will hold your hands if you need them to.