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… had my first counselling session since the shit hit the fan two years ago.
THe counsellor is a wonderful gentle woman who works at the addiction treatment centre my charity partners with, and she is giving me some free sessions…
God works in wonderful ways and has placed me in the time and the place to begin to deal with the crap.
The counsellor said that it was perfectly normal for partners of addicts to take two years to get to the point I am at – able to begin to articulate where they have been. Once you’ve begun to deal with the trauma, you then have to get through the five stages of grief – which are a lot like trauma! Denial, sadness, anger, depression, until eventually you reach acceptance. And you can cycle through each of them. Given what we are mourning the loss of and have to see their faces and all that represents its no wonder we get stuck.
I have been stuck. I am now ready – 2 years in – to begin to deal with the impact on my psyche… I know I have made progress – I am not trying any more to exert control over him – I am not trying any more to rationalise my part in his addiction – I am not giving credence to the lies I have been told about me by anyone – I am going to set me free with the help of God, a good counsellor and a lot of hard work.
I am SO worth it!
On another note, thinking about that damned carnes line – these bastard addicts have made us sick. Sick with trauma, sick with worry, sick with STDs, sick with trying to turn our heads inside out to find the truth. Fuck me but I was seriously ill trying to navigate the hell out of whatever had gone on. I was living so many lies – it made me really ill. PTSD is a sickness. Grief is a sickness. Never mind the co-dependent crap – everyone on the planet has that to some degree or other – we meant to depend on others – its when it gets twisted by living with sociopathic, assholish active addicts that it becomes a problem.
Just my tuppence worth of thoughts for the night.
Love you all sisters xxx
lisa lovely – this is today – tomorrow I’m sure I will be back in the warren down the rabbit hole! But I’m becoming more determined not to be!
Jos, you are an exceptional person with courage and capacity to deal with whatever is yours to face. You may wobble a bit, but don’t let that scare you. You are well on the way to wholeness and you have kept your heart, soul and mind open to that holy force of life that God set loose in the world. It will not let you down now.
Love yourself. That’s Gods’ challenge to us all.Jos, I loved your post! Such strength and determination. It was tonic for me. Good for you!!
Hugs,
DaisyI really appreciated you laying it all out for us. Specificalloy for me, the stages of grief are important. I think i’m slowly getting to the acceptance stage because I have been depressed for a long time and have only recently come out of it. I agree also that we all go back in stages. Just this past weekend, I was right back at the beginning and feeling all the different stages at the same time. However, when all is said and done…the fact that someone else in my shoes has the courage to look forward is a great encouragement.
Good for you Jos!! It gives me hope. I told all the therapists to take a flying leap. Told my H that I would not talk to his CSAT, or his sponsor, or his sponsor`s wife. I feel better than I have in months…
Now, I can hope that I find a good therapist when I am ready. I am so happy for you. The antidote to the Carnes crap is non participation. If you can`t beat ’em, for God`s sakes don`t join ’em 🙂
Jos is well on her way out of crazyland! That’s awesome!
Here’s my latest theory on codependency. I think many people who have been through a lot have empathy for other people’s pain and understand the importance of relationships at a deeper level than most. I think addicts prey on that empathy and commitment. And I think it takes awhile for anyone who isn’t an addict or hasn’t been through this to understand what is really going on.
There may be some truly codependent people out there who need the addict to stay sick so they can take care of them, but I sure don’t see that going on with anyone I know.
BTW, I HATE the word codependent. Can we change it to something- anything- else?
You should be proud for having the courage to begin counseling. You are positively worth it…we all are, despite the hellacious messages we heard from the person who should have cherished and lavished us with love! I am slowly becoming convinced that each of us can not only heal (slowly), but can eventually thrive beyond anything we would have believed (especially during those weeks/months following discovery). Jos, I pray the lies and wounds within your heart/mind/soul resulting from the horror you were forced to face are eradicated with truth, life, and love in the days ahead.
Turning our heads inside out to find the truth…I spent much of the day doing that. I’ve got to stop! Jos, your post was music to my ears.
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