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My 17 year old daughter didn’t come home last night, at all. She wasn’t in her bed Monday night when I checked at 4am, but drove past me on her way in while I was pulling out to go to a training at 9am Tuesday morning, and she didn’t come home Tuesday night at all. I stayed up until 2am Wednesday tossing around the idea of a missing person’s report and reporting her car stolen, etc. Then I took one of the Xanax I have left (that the Dr took me off of) because I was getting close to a panic attack, and couldn’t even think the sentences in sequence, to write the chronology down to tell the police on the phone, much less say them out loud without sobbing, and I fell asleep with the phone in my hand looking up the numbers and deciding which department to talk to first. She could have been killed and I couldn’t even make a phone call. I feel completely useless as a parent. Could PTSD really have done that big a number on my brain?
Woke up and only remembered that I had to go to a clinical review for my new job 40 mins away at 7am this morning, so they can schedule me actual work, PAID work, next week. So I left, meanwhile calling my psychiatrist and begging to see her, and calling everyone else and asking if they’d seen my daughter. Why did I go? Reliability is their #1 must have, they keep saying it over and over and over. So, if I want this job, I had to be reliable. Tried to call in and they weren’t even there yet. I told myself I could show up and figure out a way to work with it, and keep calling people at breaks and call the police if I got all no’s and, and, and really my brain was just melting down so I forget half of what I told myself on the way. We need this job so bad, to be free of the threat of SJ stopping payment or losing his job (again). I told myself that my daughter had disappeared overnight once before, and been at a friends and said she told me (it’s “ask” sweetie, about sleepovers she knows this so I know she didn’t even bring it up), but I couldn’t convince myself it would all be okay this time.
So, I botched it BIG TIME because I had cried the entire way there and could hardly keep from crying in the exam sim lab. I even had to take out my contacts and wear gloves because my eyes were so red it looked like pink eye.
Finally, on the third simulated scenario I begged off, asked to reschedule because I had hoped to receive news that a family emergency had resolved but it had not, and it was very clear I was not thinking properly. I sure hope that doesn’t kick me out of the running, but what choice did I have? Look like a worried single mom with a few family issues who may not be the MOST reliable ever, or an incompetent nurse who can’t handle a seizure without checking orders? I choose the mom, not pretty, but true and they’ll know soon enough anyway.
Argh!
So I left the testing lab and drove the 40 mins back home and went to her work to see if she’d been by and viola!!! she texted me 4 mins later, asking why I was at her work. First contact she’d made in 30 hours. From that I tracked her down, and found her at some boy’s house that she just met last week. I told her to get in her car and go home, no questions. I followed right behind her, blocked her in, and took the tags off her car and told her she was grounded indefinitely.
I feel like such a failure, and exhausted, and trying to see the good in this so I don’t pull all the negativity back into my life. I think that I am so scared about going back into la la land like last Feb-May that fear is a much bigger part of these interactions than it ever was before. I am not certain I am 100% sane, still.
I actually took my MOM with me to be sure that I didn’t do something like hurt someone in my upset state. That has NEVER been a worry for me before. Just that I can think I might is a brand spanking new world for me. I don’t know what I’m capable of, now. That’s so unsettling. I don’t even trust ME! I knew I was in a forest of triggers, my daughter and a boy I didn’t know and this was obviously about sex and she was making herself vulnerable to things I had seen and I was already hardly holding on.
I am a freaking mess. Damn it.
I am so sorry your daughter messed up your job situation. My kids did similar things at about the same age (staying somewhere else for several nights without telling me where they were). I think its a pretty common teen rebellion. Not that that means you shouldn’t drop the parental hammer on her – you should!
I don’t know about NC, but here in OH you can call the police and report an unruly juvenile. They will come to the house and see if they can calm the situation down and the parent has the option of sending the child to juvenile detention if the child refuses to cooperate. This may be an option to check out if she continues to act out.
Lynn you are not insane – or no more than anyone would be that has so much on their plate. I hope you get some rest.
Much love,
DaisyLynn, I would have been a total wreck, too. You did the best you could, and it sounds like you do all right considering what you were dealing with. I think considering that your daughter has put your financial stability in jeopardy as well as worrying you sick, taking the car away and grounding her is warranted. My mom used to tell me that she was so mad that she couldn’t see straight. Your description of you felt reminded me of that.
You aren’t a failure. I know plenty of kids that have got in trouble for similar situations here in my nice upper middle class suburb. And worse. And plenty pissed off parents. One of my neighbors accidentally ran over her 16 year old daughter in front of a bus load of kids when she was so mad she took off in her car while her daughter was trying to get in it.
Thank goodness for Xanax, is all I can say!
Thanks Daisy and Teri, I appreciate your support. I went for a long walk at the park and feel a little more together.
I sure would not want to be that mom, Teri, that type of thing was why I took the first person I could find along to slap me upside the head if I was dangerous. I can still count on my mom to do that when warranted
🙂
Boy, your daughter’s timing is perfect isnt it? 🙁 Thats a teenager for you. Its all about them. Hard on you after dealing with SJ and how it was ALL about him? You are NOT crazy Lynn. Far bloody from it. This too shall pass….
Lynn,
My kids are 2 and 3 so I don’t have a lot of wise words, unfortunately, but I can only begin to imagine the terror you must have felt all the while trying to keep it together during part of a job interview. My kiddos can throw me for a loop and they can’t even ride in a car without a car seat yet, let alone drive away on their own. It sounds to me like you are being a caring and responsible mom in the face of a lot of other stressors.
Sending you hugs and good thoughts.Lynn, I could feel those emotions popping out of your posts, glad she’s safe. Sometimes I think a teenage daughter’s job is to drive her mother insane, at the most critical time. That would make her, normal? What was God thinking? I think he thought we’d have another parent to help, and we could ground each other and take turns being worried and crazy. You don’t. I’m really sorry that you are doing this by yourself. Someday she will be a confident beautiful responsible young woman and you can pat yourself on the back and put these days behind you. If you can survive that long:)
Lynn, You are definitely not crazy.
It’s a teenager thing ~ they don’t really think of the consequences or anybody else.
I had one of these experiences a couple of months ago, in April. I was scheduled for surgery on April 11th and so 3 days before, I was very happy to have my daughter go to the Phillies opener for the afternoon with her friends. I thought I would get a lot of things done and they’ve gone to the opener for the past 2 years, so, a new tradition or sorts. They take the train down into the city and back and it is safe and fun.
Well, she isn’t even gone for 2 hours ~ just enough time for them to get down there, buy a ticket and a $1.00 hot dog..
….and I get a phone call from the Philadelphia police. Yes, the p.o.l.i.c.e, telling me that my daughter has been detained for underage drinking. What!!!!!
Well, I honestly thought that it was a practical joke because, I had MANY discussions with her about underage drinking, the most recent being only days before this happened, so, I say to the officer “are you kidding me” “this is a joke, right” Uh, no it isn’t Ok………
A nightmare….. Apparently, her and her friends went to the concession stand and asked for a bud light lime and the guy sold it to them. Well, none of them even look 21, and all 4 of them including Victoria, got busted.
And me a nervous wreck about having major surgery, just days away and then I had to deal with this whole thing…. alone.
She was grounded for 6 weeks. And I mean grounded…… And you know what, she was the only one. None of the other parents did anything more that a *talk* WTF – your child was *arrested*…..
I had a talk with her therapist and he also had a couple of sessions with her, & assured me that she is a basically a good kid that made a bad choice.
I can tell you that I do not trust her like I did before this happened 🙁 It cost me a $300.00 fine and they had to attend a 4 hour safety class in PHiladelphia. We are in the suburbs and she was frightened to death as there were a few gang members with them that day who weren’t respectful of the authority. A very uncomfortable experience for them………. I sure hope they learned their lesson……..
I can only imagine your anxiety. I don’t know how you made it through the night and even functioned the next day. I know I was a wreck.
The teenage years are hard enough, but, doing it all alone sucks big time when this shit happens. I am so sorry that your daughter did not come home or even call you to tell you where she was and with whom. ANd that it coincided with your new job.
I am so glad that she is safe and I hope that this was an isolated occurrence
Dear God Lynn….( and Deborah), I can only imagine. Yes, her ass would be grounded. I would be nuts and I would want to kill her and hug her at the same time 🙂
I hope the job folks will be understanding. Most people have suffered thru teenagers! You are not crazy. Dealing with this SA shit makes us second guess every thing we do.
Lynn,
Your reaction is so understandable. A missing child is a parents worst nightmare plus add PTSD and is like our brains go to mush or shuts down. Our brains can only handle so much.Teenage years are hard at times. My oldest was a model student and never got into any trouble. My youngest liked adventure so she really tested us. She so dang creative and she’s grown out of it and is a joy and sweetheart. Some learn right and wrong the hard way, just so they learn.
So sorry this affected your job. I hope it will still work out for you. Hope you are feeling better Lynn.
Love, Napxo
Deborah,
What was up with those other parents?
I never understood how fining parents teaches kids anything. The kids ought to do some community service and work off the amount. Maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. I’m glad the class scared her,though, even if it was just that she had to rub elbows with some unsavories. Shows her where her choices can lead. Teenagers can be really oblivious about consequences.
Lynn, I hope today is better.
Thanks for checking in, I appreciate it so much. Last night I went to bed at 11pm and slept until 10:30 this morning. Rested. Looking forward to the next two days camping with my 12 yo son. My daughter is studiously ignoring me. At least it’s not yelling and slamming things.
SJ sent an email: his psychiatrist is so pleased with his progress he’s cut SJ’s appts to once every 3 months; a nationally know Christian band has requested SJ travel with them on weekends to do their sound; and all this to say he needs his birth certificate (it is with stuff I had in a safe box) because he needs to get a passport for a work training in London in August because their site broke all records last quarter and they’re moving up in international ranking.
Ain’t he the stuff? Icky. Brief visions of SJ in the Red Light District jumping up and down like a kid in a candy store. Nah, who cares? He always was successful looking in from the outside. I responded: “will mail it today”. Just one less reason for contact, get it done now.
Teri,
on the other parents note. While I was in the driveway of that boy’s house getting my daughter, he detailing the headlights of his car. Another car started up their very long driveway. The boy had appologized that he didn’t know my daughter had a curfew and would have made sure she met it if he knew. And I snapped back “She knows it, and I’m talking to her.” I really was NOT going to talk with him, thinking he was HIS parent’s problem, not mine.
It just made me wonder what the hell his parent’s were thinking. A 17 year old girl you’ve never met is in your house for two days and you DON’T hear from her parent’s at all? How is that normal? The boy said his dad was in the house, but worked 3rd and was asleep. I told him to wake him up, I wanted to talk to him, but the dad never showed. My guess, there were no parents there. WTF? For two days?
The boy motioned to the car coming up the driveway and said “That’s my mom and she’s mad that you are here, you should go.” I said, “I came to get my daughter and that’s exactly what I’m doing.” It stopped and the car door opened up, and it was another teenage boy He took one look at me and slinked into their garage without a word.
That is not the first time a teenager has told me that their parent was going to get on me about showing up when they were into something they shouldn’t be. What’s with that? Yeah, I’ll interfere in those situations and if I have to take on a parent along with the teenagers, so be it. Why the hell would that matter? What’s wrong is wrong whether you are 16 or 60.
Where are these teenagers parents?
That’s something, Lynn. I am just going to say that for whatever reason, they aren’t doing their job. Maybe for innocent reasons (like they had to go out of town to care for a sick relative and trusted their teen- haha) or maybe because they have their own problems they aren’t managing so they are not going to be able to manage a kid.
Doesn’t let your daughter off the hook. I know you know that. It would be nice if you could count on help from other parents though.
I would call them up in a day or two when you have a chance to process the emotions. Or even stop by with a basket of cookies. Introduce yourself, tell them what happened, and assume they give a crap about their kid. They may just not have a clue and may appreciate you talking with them. Or they may not. But if your daughter is having sex with the boy, she will probably be back there, and you want to at least try to reach out to the parents? Just a thought.
I am kinda overprotective- I always called up the parents of Ashley’s boyfriends and new friends or walked her up to the door and introduced myself to them.
Thank you, Teri. We do have a process of meeting boys and their families, it’s been agreed between my daughter and I that it happen so I feel she is safe, and both sets of parents have contacts if anything happens to either of them, anywhere.
Obviously she skipped all that in this situation. I don’t think this boy will ever be back, but if he is (or she goes back) I will do exactly what you said.
Lynn, I feel for you. I have three daughters and my 18 year old graduates from high school tonight. Thank God!! My nerves cannot take anymore. I have found the years 17 – 18 are the absolute worst. They actually get much better quickly I am happy to report. Hang in there.
Hi Lynn, how scared you must have been. It’s the fear of the unknown that is always so horrible.
Is it unusual for your daughter to start sleeping with a boy that she met the week before? Not just sleeping with him, but going AWOL for 2 days until you track her down. Is she sending out a cry for help?
Ali,
It is very unusual, to my knowledge which I thought was pretty good. She has talked to me about boys from the beginning, good and bad. I taught her from a heartfelt mom and also a clinical perspective about her responsibility for her own well being emotionally and sexually, and that I would always support her, but she MUST let me know where she stands and what she’s doing for me to do that.
All that said, I didn’t hear one word about this boy, he and his friends went to Contra dance my daughter and I went to last weekend. In the group, she showed absolutely NO interest in him at all and I know her signals, so it’s something else, I’m afraid. His family is well off, and his friends are nice enough, but this behavior is way out of the norm for my daughter and he was clearly trying to intimidate or get rid of me the only time I’ve been to his house, so he’s OFF LIMITS.
She’s not ignoring me today, and she’s not apologized either.
Yuk! All we want is for our kids to be happy and thriving, and the teenage rebellion years are hell! I’m right there with you – I have a 21 year old son who has tail-spinned since dad disclosed everything to him; a 19 year old daughter & 16 year old son who know their dad has bad mental problems and is making life-style changes and going to therapy to become healthier. Those 2 kids are doing well, so I’m reluctant to tell them everything and have them crash like their older brother.
It’s all so hard. You’re doing a great job, Lynn!
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