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Hello sisters,
I need to tell you what happened to me last night. As you know, I have filed for divorce, served my SA myself about 3 weeks ago. He took it calmly but at the end of the conversation he tossed it on the end table and said, “what if I don’t want it” and has left the papers there ever since. I figured he was in denial and once it sank in and I continued to move forward, he would eventually get on board.
For Christmas, I bought “US” two tickets to a huge concert that is actually this coming Saturday. We are in Indiana but the concert is in Green Bay, WI at Lambeau Field which is a treat to be there in itself (if anyone is a Packer’s fan – and my SA is a huge Packers fan.) I bought the tickets for two reasons – great artists (and several OF them) AND because I knew how cool he would think it was to be there for a concert. He was thrilled with the gift at Christmas. I also asked another couple (friends) if they would want to get tickets as well and go with us and they said yes. So…. here we are, three weeks after SA getting served and I knew that I wasn’t going to the concert. It sucks too but what else could I do? I mean, it would have been no issue for ME to go with HIM, it would have been no different than if this concert was a month ago as far as I’m concerned. But, I didn’t want to send the wrong message to SA, or my son or brother who are both crossing their fingers that I stay the course and not look back. It wasn’t worth it. After getting served, at some point, SA asked me, what about concert? I just answered, I have no idea what to do about THAT. And that was the end of the conversation. A few days ago, I asked SA if he had talked to the other couple and he said yes and he wasn’t offering any other info so I got suspitious… I asked how they had left it. He said that he was still going up there with them for the concert. (OF COURSE HE IS! GOD FORBID HIS SOCIAL CALENDAR SLOW DOWN FOR ONE SECOND JUST BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW, HE JUST GOT SERVED!!!) I had talked to my son about it and was surprised when he suggested I go. Basically because the tix were about 250 each and he knows how much I want to see serveral of these bands and that I have had these plans for months. Since he put it that way, I thought, well, maybe I would go after all. I asked SA about the other ticket and he SAID IT WAS SPOKEN FOR!!! Of course, I follow with a BY WHO?????? Then, he mumbles, I’m taking someone….
And ladies, I just plain and simple completely LOST IT, like never before!!! I was a mad woman!!!! (My son would say Coo Coo for Coco Coco Puffs). I yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, slammed about 3 doors at least 10 times, called him EVERY and I mean E.V.E.R.Y. name in the book!! I damn near threw a whole cup of coffee in his face. I forced myself to walk away!! I took my arm from the elbow down and just wiped out an entire counter of “stuff” in our kitchen (all flew across the room and landed on the floor) I stomped off to another room, SLAM the door, then about 5 minutes later would go back at him again with a whole fresh set of obscenities and examples of what a freaking low life and piss poor husband he was. I mean, it was REALLY bad! It went on for about an hour and he never said one word, except to occasionally try to calm me down, to no avail. He didn’t say one word because, really, what’s he gonna say????? He is guilty of everything I was screaming in his face.
Perhaps for some people, this is just “another fight with the spouse”, but we don’t roll that way. We NEVER fight!! (Probably why we are in the sad shape we are in! We sweep it all under the rug instead of argue!) I don’t ever raise my voice and neither one of us is into name calling (although in January when I was sort of (nonchalantly) calling him out on something, he sent me a text and called me a F’n B which is something he has never even considered doing. That behavior let me know exactly how off the hook he really is. I was shocked and that very well could have been the last straw for me! (How crazy that he can stick his you know what anywhere and everywhere, and I deal with it (practically) but then he calls me a nasty name and I run to the attorney!) Tolerances, I guess….
So….. I guess I am a little worried about myself today. It did feel REALLY good to just hold NOTHING back and scream and throw things and let it out!!! I was out of control and couldn’t stop myself, nor did I want to. It was crazy. Does anyone think I should ask my doctor if I should up the dosage on my Celexa? Or, just chalk it up to a bad night and then getting the news that he is actually taking a freaking DATE to MY CONCERT where I paid 500 DOLLARS FOR THE TWO TICKETS, and he has only known about divorce for like 3 weeks, AND THAT HE WOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT TO OUR FRIENDS!!!! We haven’t even been telling people yet and then he calls them and not only TELLS them, but then asks if its okay if he takes a date???? We aren’t even separated yet!!! OMG!! I wanted to kill him for a million different reasons!!! Maybe a trillion…… What a selfish SOB, surprise, surprise…..The end of the story……..??? As only in Silver lining fashion – I literally sent my son a text from bed (son is in his own bedroom down the hall) and told him to go get the envelope with tix out of SA’s humidor on his dresser where they have been since Christmas. (I took them once for a couple of weeks and was gonna go myself, then decided that it would be RUDE, since it was a Christmas gift, and put the damn things back in there!!) He never knew they were gone! Ugh!! So…. son texts me back and says, Mom, they are gone!!! OF COURSE HE HID THEM. Well, my awesome son said if it took all night, he would find the damn things and HE DID. Hidden between winter sweaters on shelf in SA’S closet!! Bingo!!! Can I say Craig’s list or Ebay???? He can kiss those tickets goodbye!! Or hell, maybe I will just drive up there myself after all!! But I’ll be damned if he takes a freaking date on MY DIME. He has spent enough of my money on this nonsense. What an asshole.
Thank you so much for the vent!!!!! Sorry if there are typo’s! No time to spell check!!I am about to cry for you, but worried my students will question what chemistry problem would make me cry.
Wow, so much pain, sadness, and so many losses.
Hug your son for me. He is a gem.
Please ask your friends to have some courage to say they don’t feel comfortable with him taking a date while still married to you (not that he is going anyway???) Also, are these really your friends? Not too supportive, are they?
I don’t think you need meds.
So so sorry to hear of your struggles. Wish I could make it all go away. Hugs to you girlfriend, B. Trayed
Hi Silver,
Ya know what…we hold such anger and rage at these absolutely pathetic losers that we tried to share our life with, giving them our heart, soul and life…you bet we are pissed.I had a shared session with my therapist that caused me to blow my top; came home and screamed at him. he was sheilding our daughter like how dare you. but you know what he deserved it. I bit my toungue for so many months, it was bound to burst at any time. After that I felt so much better, I also realized the amount of hate and disgust I had for him. I could not do it anymore.
I would take those tickets and take a bunch of friends….hmmm to bad I do not live in WI anymore. Too far away to join you. But that would be a hoot.
P.s. i do not think the meds have anything to do with it. You just let off years and years worht of anger. It would have happened meds or not.
Well, S-L, this is all just perfectly wretched. And of course, you went ballistic. And I understand how that can be satisfying.
It’s hard to know what will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, when our SA’s have already done such hideous awful things to us. So I don’t think you should be concerned about the outburst as any indicator that you have turned into a monster. From a rational standpoint, this level of response is in proportion to the behaviour we face. Perhaps not the best response ALL THE TIME, but in this case I’ll stand with your fury.
I’ve been a few of these moments, too. And the hard truth is that this is who they really are. Whatever we thought about what our relationship must mean at some level deep down—it just doesn’t.
So, about the tickets—how much energy do you want to spend on this? And what kind of energy do you want to create? You have no idea whether these “friends” are comfortable with this situation or not. If they are, what kind of friends were they, after all? Have any of these people checked in to see how you are, what’s going on, etc? Also, if the divorce gets nasty, this incidence could come up and work against you. Gifts are almost always treated as the property of the recipient. Your behaviour if you take them, sell them, or do something ugly to them, will come back to bite you in the butt. Judges don’t like it and they don’t care about why you did it.
So deep breath, beautiful woman, and focus on loving yourself. Like me, you married a turd.
on the other hand, putting my mother in laws correspondence in the kitty litter box was deeply satisfying too. I mean, if my SA REALLY wanted to read it, he still could.
bless your hurtin heart
D.SL,
So sorry for the awful night with the tickets and learning your SA may have a date. This is my opinion and what I would do, and I understand everyone is different and has their own opinion, I would let him go as planned. I can’t wait for my H to replace me then his craziness focus will be away from me. Remember, you don’t want him anyway so the concert shouldn’t matter. I’m not a big believer in revenge because it usually comes back to bite us in some way and as Diane said may not be good in court. I’d wouldn’t say another word about it and let him go. I also wouldn’t put my children in the middle because its not healthy for them. Just my opinion, and I’m sorry this happened and for all the pain he has caused you.Dear Silver Lining
So sorry for an awful evening. I really like what NAP had to say. I mean if we are divorcing, then we are divorcing. the concert shouldn’t really matter that much – however, maybe it hit sore spot – of this is IT, I am really dumping him — and he is an ahole- and dating and I hate him. Or perhaps, it was a last piece of love, something you were going to do together as a couple, part of the life you had as a married couple, and now he is taking someone else. That Does hurt. But we have to expect it. And yes, even though it hurts, of course he is taking a date or whatever. He’s an SA! $500 bucks is a small price to pay to get your life back. That is why you are leaving. while his attendance may “get your goat” a bit, I can certainly see why–it is unrealistic to expect him not to date, you are divorcing him. they are not going to wait to date or sleep with other people. they were doing it while married, is he not going doing it now, now that he has license to do it? contrary, all the more they will find bimbos. But you have to be fine with that, fine with the fact you are releasing him- and focus on you. His behavior sexually, is now irrelevant to your life, or should become irrelveant. I think if we choose to leave, we just take our health and freedom and focus on ourselves– let him go.
As for angry outbursts, sometimes it just can’t be helped with all the awful things they have done. I am guilty of this many of time — I swear like a truck driver at times- my neighbors have had more than an earful. But I know it is not good for my daughter to hear, we have to keep that in mind. As BAD and addicted as they are, our children love them as DAD. We have to be the bigger person here– they never will. I say rage away– but send junior outside or to a neighbors. Things can get volatile and escalate immed after divorce has been filed, men will often fight back –get nasty–even violent. they are losing the one thing they can’t stand losing–it can be dangerous. Please remember you are the grown up here, not him. He will not behave like one. Sorry for your pain, loss and sadness. but brighter days are coming.
Chalk it up to a bad day, some well needed venting– and then return to be the person that you really are– the one he is losing because of his SA. love to you.Hi Silver,
I like what everyone has to say. I also just wanted to remind everyone that it has only been three weeks since she has filed the divorce, THREE whole weeks (sorry silver he is such a loser), anyway however you cut the cake or pie….it stinks. all this time she thought her SA husband loved her and he also threw up the papers and said well what if i don;t want a divorce? Now three weeks later he is bringing a date. Yes it hurts because now it would appear she was nothing to him. Already passed her over for someone else, and that someone else was probably not found in just the past three weeks. Soooo I think silver has alot going on her. When maybe six months has passed this will be water under the bridge. But right now this stings like salt on a wound. I understand once you file thats it; but so quickly is just absolutely poor taste and disrespectful. I personally am waiting till after the divorce. When i an completely rid of the a-hole.At this time it really hurts to know your SA husband who you spent all this time with will let you go like you never mattered. I know this because this is what happened to me. And had he already had a date in three weeks i would have been just as hurt. It does not matter that she does not want to be with him, but that in her mind she was so easily replacaible.
But Silver you are not replacible to us. We all love you and you are one of a kind.
Flora,
I agree three wks is a short amount of time and it is very painful to be so quickly replaced. I think I just am so over mine and forget others may not be that far along. Sorry if I seemed insensitive SL, pain is pain and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Love, napOh P.S. i am not yelling at anyone. But just a reminder that I think she does feel pain for a reason. Its just too soon.
I understand the outburst. I’ve had two of them thus far, and totally unlike me. I think it scared the shit out of him at the time. However, never, never, never, do it in front of children, even if they are in the other room. Never do that. You can control yourself. If you have to leave, leave. Go somewhere, scream while your in the car. Like has been said before, you have to be the bigger person. It sucks. Big time. He’s a jerk. Especially after making you believe he might not want the divorce, but they have been setting us up for years, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise. Yep, it was indeed a slap in the face. But revenge is not the answer. Not now anyway. Wait until the divorce is over before you pull any hateful stunts. And I guarantee you that after the divorce, you’ll have thought better of it. It’s just not worth it, just a waste of time. I agree that the money lost in those tickets is a small price to pay for your freedom. I, for one, (not knowing the whole story) would not be living with this man. Is it possible to kick him out? I think you might owe your son an apology. You shouldn’t have asked him to do your dirty work. I would put the tickets back and show your son that you are not revengeful, but just had a bad day. I feel for you. I know how it feels to have the rug pulled out from underneath you. God bless you and I wish you all the best. Pray that the divorce happens quickly. (((HUGS)))
sl-I am so, so sorry that you have had acid poured on your wounds. It just makes you feel so invisible. As if you were nothing to him.
DON’T ALLOW HIM TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE! That gives him power. You are an extremely powerful woman. You just had a short blast of expression (and what a great expression it was!).
Your description took me back to the ‘bad old days’ when I, a very quiet and gentle, peace loving woman, had some glorious fits of ‘expression’. I am not sorry for any of it. It was good. It got it all out and–extreme times require extreme measures.
I hope you are feeling better now. I think it’s just plain ole sensible to sell the tickets on eBay or find a girl friend to go with and enjoy. If you see your so-called friends there, just briefly acknowledge them and continue having fun.
Sorry SL
I just don’t know what to say. I agree with Flora that making you feel so easily replaceable is awful. The fact that you bought those tickets for him and he disrespects you by letting one of his bimbos use one of them just sums up how low these guys are. I think they often push us to explode so that they can then turn round and say ‘See, she’s the crazy one!’Hope you’re feeling a little calmer now
Love and hugsBb
Xsl so sorry and this is total bullshit. you do not need to up your meds, your reaction was right on the money. Just one more thing to put in your “this is why I’m leaving” box.
Here’s an idea. I have been looking for tickets to that concert, I live 4 miles from Lambeau (can see it out my window) and I have bedrooms ready for wedding company ~ or Kenny Chesney concert goers!!
Come up with out him, I will buy one of your tickets, we will have a blast, and you can stay here!!
Even if you end up going with the a-hole, you can let him stay in a hotel alone, you are welcome here, and I will even pick you from Lambeau if you want! Let me know if I can help in any way.
SL, I wish I could copy and paste what Flora said. I came on here to post, and she took the words right out of my mouth. Ahhh…JoAnn…a glorious fit of expression! That’s perfect. SL, I agree that it doesn’t mean you need to “up” your meds. You’ve been holding in a LOT since your discoveries a few months ago, not saying a word about the SA crap. That’s a LOT to keep in. No wonder you were a pressure cooker waiting to burst. And you know what–no real harm done, I say! As far as your antidepressant, I’m no doctor, but certainly if you see yourself getting into a longer lasting funk that doesn’t go away, then you certainly don’t want to ignore that. But otherwise, I think you had an understandable reaction to a completely abnormal and painful situation. What a dirtbag.
And SL, I believe your son is in his 20’s and SA is not his father. So I think it puts a different spin on things in terms of what it’s ok for him to see and hear, at least in my opinion!
Wow, I love had608’s idea–what a great group of sisters!! Hang in there, sister! You are strong, brave, and a warrior! XOXO
Wow…. thank you everyone!! I only have a sec but will be back on later to reply and tell you just what I think of your responses!! lol!!! and HADJ, ARE YOU SERIOUS????????
I am completely serious!!!
what ever you need: someone to go with, a place for you to stay even if you find a friend, a place for all of you to stay with original planned people ( if you don’t have reservations yet forget it, bellin run and kenny took up all hotels) Even your dumb ass h can stay with you and I will pretend to not know anything!!! lots of room here (3 bedrooms with queen beds). hang with us or do your own thing, no obligations if you just want to crash and do your own thing. …..but if you want to ditch dumbo, I will be happy to go with you!!!
got to fly ~ friends over, I’m being rude!!
Hi Silver-Lining!
I think hadj has the perfect solution.I do feel your pain. I had my own little “tantrum” a few months ago. Can’t even remember what set me off now. There are so many “issues” to choose from. My husband made me so angry that I took off a shoe and started smacking him with it. Good thing it was a flat and not a high heel. Also a good thing that he is 6’7″ and I’m 5’3″. This was a few months after I broke his computer screen with a hammer. Very, very out of character for me – until I realized he was a sex addict. After the shoe incident, I finally told him he better find another place to live a.s.a.p. I’m not proud of these outbursts, but it certainly brought some much needed clarity to the “situation.” I finally decided I never wanted to be that angry ever again, if possible. Too bad there aren’t any roller derby leagues around any more. I could have been a star!
Love, AnnAnn, that is hilarious!! You’re a star anyways!!
Silver, Your response was understandable and I woulda done the same. I do, though, believe that Diane is right about being careful, now that you have filed. That being said, after information that rocked me to my core, I threw a whole Costco bag of Vidalia onions, one at a time at my h at close range and when I ran out I went after him with my hands. He just sat there (he’s a big guy) and took it. I felt like it was an out of body experience. I’ve lost it once since and when he later brought it up I told him that people have been shot for less. He just nodded and agreed. Somehow, that diffused me and I haven’t had that loss of control since. It would be so cool if you and Hadj could get together anyways!
Hi Ladies,
The Christmas “gift” was for ME and HIM. It was my brain child to purchase these tix, ask our friends to go, and make a weekend out of it. Yes, those plans fell thru since I filed for a divorce…. But who says HE is the one to go instead of me? It was my present too. And we dont even have a preliminary hearing till mid August. (it’s been pushed back twice for conflicts with my lawyer and he doesn’t even have one yet!) Is a judge really gonna want to sit and discuss concert tix? I would think there were a few more important things to hash out. But hey, if the judge thinks it was perfectly acceptable for him to take OUR tickets (and money) and a date to the concert, then I can be reprimanded at that time. And my son brings up a good point, during the conversation the SA finally says, fine, I will give you back your tickets and I will just buy two more! And I said, OK. And then later that night, I took the tickets back. Big Deal. My son is my witness!
And speaking of, he will be 23 in July. SA is his step dad (and a piss poor one at that) My son is my biggest support. He’s a sharp, smart kid. He has been with me every step of the way and witnessed the injustices thru the years. He is elated I am taking a hike, once and for all!
Hadj, I have one more detail to clear up in the morning with work. If it gets approved. I’m northbound, Hammer down!!! Yeehaw!!! Kenny, Zac, Billy C, Uncle Kracker, here we come!!!! 🙂
And Heidi, I will trade you a ticket for accommodations!! Please private message me your cell number!! I will be in touch tomorrow!!
Thanks all!! More tomorrow…..Leave it to this group to put some humor into an ugly situation! Thank God we have each other. Truly, I don’t know where my sanity would be right now. I can’t stop picturing Ann with her shoe, or Lylo winging vidalia onions. I’m cracking up, and that’s not a good thing since I have bronchitis right now. 🙂
SL and Hadj, I hope this works out. We can’t wait to hear all about it! Big hugs!!Late jumping in here but I have to say, SL, that I totally understood the outburst. I have done a fair amount of yelling and broke a hairbrush and the peppermill pounding them on the floor.
You have had so much cool and class through this whole thing. I didn’t know how you could keep it that together. The intensity of my anger surprised me. I was not that kind of person and don’t want to be but I reacted to his behavior and moreso to his stupid verbal defensive tactics afterward.
I agree with the other women that his “date” with your friends was a low blow and very revealing of the value he placed on your marraige. (Not that you didn’t already know that, but his coming out so quickly to you was so cheap)
So, the gloves are off and I would expect this to continue and probably escalate through the divorce proceedings. Can you protect yourself by somehow seperating, kick him out?
You both have a great time at the concert!! I can’t wait to hear about your fun together. Another SOS meet! This is the silver lining in this situation and I have to love how God works all these things out for us.
Rock on,
Debora
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