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So, now that papers are signed, I had to tell my adult children the truth. My older girls are 24 and 22. My son is 19, and I still have to tell him. The oldest has an ok relationship with her stepfather, but they didn’t get along when she was younger (better instincts, maybe?) and she lives about 2 hours away, near her father’s family. Greg (my SAH) raised the 22 and 18 year-olds from the time they were 6 and 3. My son doesn’t even remember his father living in the house. Remember, too, we have a 12 y/o girl together, who won’t be told the reason for the divorce.
Last night, I had dinner with the 22-year-old, Georgia. She is very close to Greg. She was so devastated that I said I wished I hadn’t told her. She responded that I had to tell her and her brother and sister, because no other reason for my filing would have been forgiven. They are very protective of the “baby” and would expect me to spare her a divorce at almost any cost. She said they had to know, and that I was right to file, and she didn’t see how I’ve lived with the secret these past three years. After dinner, while we were still in the restaurant, she asked about the holidays. I told her we’d be spending them together this time if we can all manage it. She wanted to know about next time–was there a schedule–and I told her yes, that it was all sketched out in the agreement. At that point, she teared up and asked to go sit in the car. She said that the holidays were terrible after my first divorce, and that it had taken a long time for the kids to get back to the point that it was fun again, and now—and How could he do this to Lola (the youngest) and…then the dam broke, and my heart again. She said so much, and so much of it was the same things I’ve said, things such as:
How could he do this? He knew we already had one shitty dad.
What did we not give him?
The only memory I have of Dad being in the house with me was when I was little and home sick. He was there and fixed me chicken noodle soup. He picked all the chicken out of it because he knew I didn’t like it. I remember being so happy that he was there. But then, the next thing, he was on the phone with you, asking you to come home because he didn’t want to stay with me. It hurt so bad. That’s the ONLY memory. I have so many good memories with Greg. I remember when I couldn’t sleep and he would come and sit with me and tell me to think of a hundred things I’d buy if I won the lottery, and I’d fall asleep doing it. None of those memories mean anything now.
What happens now, we just disappear from his life?!
This was going on and all he could think of was I OWED HIM MONEY?! [she owed for a camera she bought for school]
This has repercussions for all of us, way into the future. Now our kids won’t have a grandpa.
There’s no way he’s in recovery, or he wouldn’t be doing this.
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I am angry all over again. That he did this to ME AND MY KIDS! That he didn’t have the balls for a proper recovery. That we’ve been sacrificed for his dick. And I still have to tell my son, who is sweet and gentle, and still tells Greg he loves him every time he says goodbye.Oh, and he (the SA) knew I was meeting with Georgia to talk last night, and he was only concerned with himself. He wanted to know what I planned to tell her, was furious when I included the part about his failing the polygraph. He said I was going to “ruin their relationship.” When I returned home, he was in full poor put-upon Greg mode, sulky and silent, never asked if she was ok. Today, he went to the Falcons game. Monster.
Typical. More concerned for how he was going to look to the kids then how this would effect them.
I’m so sorry for you and your family. Hold on to one another tight and I am sure you will make it through.
hugs, Kim
Hi March,
I am second marriage too. The older two’s dad was not much into being dad. We divorced when my older two were 2 and 4? around then i think. I was a single mom for about three years before meeting the most current soon to be ex. He knew the entire story, he knew their dad was not much of a dad in that sense. He did and still does not come around much. So i was looking to h to fill that void for them. He was kind and gentle kinda a kid at hear in some ways for them. We then had anotehr daughter together about a year after we married.My older two daughters are now 14 and 16 and he dropped them like a hot potato. He was in their lives for about 9 years. He abandoend them as well. Its an even bigger shock when they won;t even do it for the kids. He did not even want to get it together to stay married for our daughter together.
its really a shame. But these guys have no heart. His parents have not gave a crap either. They were all happy i think to be rid of all of us. Never called or asked how we were doing when we were just seperated. They were their granparents for the same amount of time.
Heartless.
My boss at work it how i want to be. She has an ex sister-in-law. Married to her brother in law which had got divorced. She says she is still her sisterlaw – even though they have divorced. Some people with a real heart will keep you in as family forever. Others treat you as if you were dead.
SA treat you as if you were dead as well as their families. Because they have no heart.
I feel like my husbands family does not want to face the issues of what happened. (We live in a different state than our families) It is almost like it is my fault because I am expecting a sincere recovery. It is my fault that I am holding him accountable. The only contact that there has been was because of my sons wedding. My son and new bride wanted to invite their grandparents, of course. They were aware of the problems their son and I were having but had not called to see how I was doing even once. When they responded to the invitation that they were going to come, I thought I would be the “bigger person” and call to let them know I was pleased they were coming. During that call I spoke about our situation and how I understood that this is a difficult situation but I was glad that they were coming dispite the discomfort. I indicated that I was very worried about their son and that I only hope that we are able to work our way through this. My MIL responded by saying that she was in fact very worried about me. She said that it is natural for a woman of my age to be depressed. She said that I am experiencing the “empty nest” syndrome. I told her that my depression has nothing to do with my children, and that I am struggling with issues between my husband. She asked what was I talking about? (mind you, I know that my husband had shared with him that he was in counseling for sex addiction).
She said “OH that?, well, Cindy, you need to forget about that. You know when you are married for as long as we have, you are bound to find out things that you are not going to be happy with.” blah blah blah….
Anyway, they came to the wedding, I actually hugged them when I saw them. (it is hard to break old habits, and this is how I would have reacted to her before her son and I were having problems.)She had nothing to say to me for the rest of the evening and they actually left the wedding reception early (just after dinner). They never said good bye to my daughter or I nor did they say good bye to my son (the groom) or his new bride.
Obviously they are upset with me for standing my ground. What I did’nt know at the time however, was that my husband had already filed for divorce at that time. All of his family had dinner together the night before the wedding so I am guessing that he told all of them that he had filed. Not that I am looking for excuses for them, but, I am sure it was awkard for them to know that he had filed and that I did not have a clue.
ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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