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Post your thoughts and experiences about dealing with your partner’s difficulty sexual triggers during recovery.
JoAnn – I can’t remember which post I asked my question of you. I think it revolved around my wondering if Steve was cognizant of what I said to him after coming out of the so-called regression. I am confused as to whether he would be in a hypnotized state where the subject has total awareness of everything going on, and can verbalize everything after coming out of it, or would he be in a trance-like state in which he would not have recall? How do I know the difference?
This time, he once again had the body/mind reactions such as clenching his fists, trembling, and felt sexually stimulated
while recalling the so-called memories. I just cannot for the life of me figure out the secondary gain he is getting if he is making these memories up. Can you enlighten me on this?
Today, he finally admitted to all of his triggers at church yesterday – which is so typical of an SA-only admitting when they are 100% caught. He told me of two of them last night, but left out one of them, and did not come clean until today. I have to consider whether or not he is truly in recovery. I know they have “slips”, but the lieing is my biggest concern.
Which brings me to the second question. If he has been totally into me over the past month, could he be running from intimacy? He stated that over the week-end he felt more intimacy than he ever has before and said he “got a high from it.” Then the next day, he acts out and lies about it for the first time in over a month. Is an SA able to maintain intimacy on a consistent basis during an addiction cycle? Steve was never able to do that before.
I am at a total loss as to where to go from here. I will be attending a therapy session with Steve on Thursday to discuss relationship issues such as the lieing. I really feel this was the worst “downer” I have suffered to date.” After seeing so much progress and then seeing the severity of his ability to start lieing again has been totally devestating! I’m on that roller-coaster again.
I also do not know what kind of boundaries I should put in place when he acts out and lies about it. We are separated, so what can I invoke, and what would be realistic at this point in time? Right now, I just have the urge to run and never look back, but know making a hasty decision is not the way to approach the situation. What is your experience as to how far an SA is progressing toward recovery if they continue to lie about they’re triggers?
I really would appreciate your input right now – even if it is giving me a good swift kick in the ass and saying, “I told you so.”
Love and hugs!My dear Sharron. No one here will ever say ‘I told you so’, we have all been through all the ups and downs of recovery as well as all the lies and bullshit. It’s a rocky road at best.
As to the regression, I have no idea what methods you are using and whether or not Steve is a candidate for hypnosis. There are so many variables and I don’t know how experienced you are with the techniques or what training you have had. So, it really is impossible for me to make that judgment.
And, there is no way for us mere mortals to understand what SA’s get out of lying. They all do it, often without any reason whatsoever. It is an exercise in futility to try to understand anyone with a personality disorder. You should know this, you are a psyche nurse.
I think at this point, which is very early for both of you, that expecting Steve to be totally honest with you about all of his thoughts and triggers is completely unrealistic. My husband, Larry, has been in recovery for six and a half years and has not acted out in three and a half years. But, he has lied. I have come to the conclusion that he will always lie when backed into a corner. It is a life long protective measure that probably can never be overcome.
If your bottom line is ‘no more lying’ then I think your boundary, which you set yourself, must be to end the relationship. If you cannot enforce that boundary, then you should rethink the entire situation and come up with a compromise.
My advice would be to take advantage of the separation and allow yourself to heal. Don’t put any boundaries on him. Let him be. Do not see him, do not talk with him and go your own way. Make a pact to meet after 3 or 6 months and evaluate then what he looks like and how he acts.
That time will give you a whole new perspective and a whole new ability to spot a false facade.
You really do deserve a break Sharron. This whole thing is killing you. Be good to yourself first. Don’t be afraid, we are here for you.
Thanks JoAnn- I am going to have to take some affirmative action in the next few weeks. I know you are right, but as with all SA’s the good outweighs the bad in terms of all the fun we have together, everything in common, etc. But, obviously, it IS all a fascade because nothing about him is real. How can it be when he continues to live a lie even to himself.
I was doing regression therapy with him, and I do have training in it, however obviously not enough if he is able to pull off a scam!! If you were to observe one of the sessions, you would be convinced he was really recallingf true memories. The one thing that weighs heavily with me in terms of him being on the level, is that I always learned if the subject has both body and mind sensations during the regression, it is the real thing. I am sure you have much more expertise than I do, and I have only done regression therapy on a couple of subjects. Both of them were able to verify the memories, so knew it was true recall. Steve’s parents are deceased, so can’t verify. His sister cannot verify either, as she, too has blocked out most of her childhood memories.
I truly respect your opinions and advice. You have been right on with everything, when my loss of objectivity clouded my decision making.I talked with Steve tonight. I told him I was back to zero with trust. His reply was “One little incident, and you are back to zero trust? Wow, was that a profound statement. Shows total lack of insight. I was so angry, I told him I will talk to him tomorrow I am really at the point of no return – really don’t think I can deal with him anymore!!!
Forgive me for saying so but I think he’s just going along for the ride. I hear you blaming yourself for not having enough training in regression therapy to make it work for him. I think that therapy only works if the person going to therapy believes and wants things to work. It’s got nothing to do with you and all to do with the fact that if he wanted therapy, he’s seek it out on his own, imo.
What about you? What are you doing to take care of you? Although he can’t give you support and caring, you don’t have to follow his lead.
“one little incident, and you are back to zero trust?”
okay, I’m done. I have to speak into this one.sharron, honey,
do the math! What kind of mindset could suggest you were only be asked to get over “one little incident”? And you know this! You say as much and then you keep going??!!!As much as you want Steve to succeed, as much as you are ready to support him on this journey, as much as you are ready to forgive, as much as you are willing to believe in this relationship—-this man is not able to meet you honestly or sincerely on that path.
He is a con man and abuser even in “recovery”. He twists the story so that you are the one who isn’t committed! He is hazardous to your health, woman!!! And you are setting it up so that he can do this!!!
He is taking your great heart mind and soul of love and using them to keep lying!!!! Please take your soul back. He is not mature or honest enough to have something like that in his hands. Take your heart back. You can’t “love this better”. Take your mind back. He can’t participate in the “plan” with any integrity. This guy doesn’t respond to your love except to use and abuse it for the addiction and SA egoic need. As long as you love him, he still doesn’t have to love himself enough to knock it off and get straight about his own life. YOUR HEART MIND AND SOUL LOVE WILL NOT SOLVE THIS.
sharron, what if you poured all that love into your own life? What would happen for you? It’s an incredible possibility. And maybe this addict would “man-up” and deal with himself.
What is so terrifying about looking after your abused, exhausted, generous to a fault, hurting, brilliant, wounded, beautiful, deserving, and precious self? What is so terrifying about doing your own work that you run and grab his instead?
sharron,
we’ve been around the bush with you and this SA for quite a while now. It’s time.
We will support your quest for healing. We will tell you you are worth everything when you don’t believe it. We will cheer you along every step you take to love yourself. And when you begin to discover what that means, we will listen and be thrilled that you found your buried treasure.I hope you find your way out of the pit.
love,
D.Thanks Marion and Diane for your caring replies. Diane, you are right – I am in the pit, but I just want you to know that I am taking care of myself as well.
I am doing “partner’s Recovery on RN and have been becoming active in the new church I found. I am joining Stephen Ministries where I can use my nursing background in helping others through troubled times. I am spending a lot of time with friends – going out to lunch/dinner, etc.
Where I go with Steve will take some long and hard thinking!
Am not sure right now how I want to proceed with him, and even if I want to. We will be seeing his therapist on Thursday for joint counseling. I have written her a synopsis of what happened over the week-end, so that she will be informed when we get there. I didn’t want to spend an entire session laying out the details.
Thanks again for caring enough to put it right out there.
Marion – Steve is in private counseling 1x week, SA meeting 1x week, and working the lessons on Recovery Nation. He appeared to be making progress until this week-end. Am not sure if he is scamming me, or still just very very sick.
JoAnn-Just wanted to let you know that Steve’s sister is now feeling she was sexually abused by the father, so apparently there is something to this abuse thing on both of they’re parts.
Love and hugs to you all.What happens when your SA claims that there is no “trigger”? Being he is a pathological liar, I would assume that there are, but he’s not admitting it to me, his sponsor, or his therapist. I guess he’s just claiming to be a complete and utter asshole?
Yeah, he doesn’t want you to KNOW his trigger(s) because then you might be able to prevent….
What an ass. He is unbelievable. I figured as much, being he is nothing more than a sneaky, cowardly, perverted liar. It’s amazing how I have no clue who it is that I married. The person I thought I was marrying never existed in the first place.
I just asked him again about triggers, and once again he said “I don’t have any, I wish you would stop pushing an issue that doesn’t exist, because you’re reading WAY too much into things”
Right. Whatever you say there skippy…Hi,
I’m new to this site and have been reading all the posts. I had thought I was going mad until I found you guys.My boyfriend has been diagnosed with sexual addiction. We have been together for 5 years and in that time I have found endless emails, messages, photos, saved chat transcripts etc. It really is endless. Each time I have ended it and each time he had promised to change. He attended counselling at one point after a particularly bad episode and felt he had things under control. Last Oct I found more emails on escort sites and payments made to view photos of prostitutes. I was totally devastated.
He went to a counsellor once again, who then diagnosed him with SA. He hasn’t done anything about it since but says he is waiting for his insurance to come through so he can begin treatment. I am still waiting for him to start. So far nothing.
He says that my behaviour triggers his acting out. When I withdraw he feels rejected and then he acts out. The thing is I have withdrawn because of what he has done over the years. It is hard for me to get close to him because I don’t want to be vulnerable to him. He has slept with prostitutes. He admitted this only after I found out. He had posted on the escort site a “reference” which described everything he had done with her. he posted this twice. His excuse, he was doing her a favour to get more customers. His opt out for sleeping with her (same one twice) was that I had triggered it by ending things after we had argued. His excuse is that we were not together and hold onto this like a mantra.. he feels he has not cheated.
I swore I would not put up with anymore, and then in October I found the emails etc. At the moment we have separated. Waiting for him to start treatment, when there is no sight of it anywhere was too much. After a traumatic expereince at work I totally blew up at him and ended things again. At present we are not together. He says that I trigger his acting out by withdrawing from him. Is this my fault? I know deep down it isn’t but I am so down and hurting at the moment I simpy can not think straight. I know that I can no longer be with someone like that. He thinks he has had it under control since October. I think he has meely surpressed it until the time I trigger it again. Please help.
MMP – Please read my profile – maybe it will help seeing it from someone who has been there. You cannot make him do anything- he is projecting his problem onto you. It is not your fault.
Welcome MMP. I’m glad you found this site, kind of – as in I really wish you never had to look for a site like this! You didn’t trigger anything. Please read the stories and the information on this site. Just remember – eyes wide open. Sex addiction can last a lifetime.
MMP..never,never buy into that you’re in anyway responsible for his acting out..it’s just another way they manipulate..you have no control except for taking good care of yourself…
Thanks for your responses. How is it that he can be so persuasive and try to make me believe that this is my fault, my problem?? I got really angry today thinking about this. I have spent five years with him, most of which I have been trying to tread very carefully around him. I have modified my behaviour to accomodate his! My father would turn in his grave if he knew..that is not who I was and not who I want to be in the future. I have told him that this is his addiction, his problem, sort it!! I have told him I will not pander to this anymore, end of!! His reply.. “you did trigger it”.. Still determined to want t share the blame.
I have realised he needs me more than I need him. He needs someone to reinforce his lies and deception. If he doesn’t have that then what would be the point. Surely the whole excitement of being an SA is the fact the they can get away with it?? The thrill of not being caught?? To be honest I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to play a part in his little drama. Thank you Ann.. eyes wide open and they will stay that way. I am not strong, but I am hoping my stubbornness will get me through this.
I am so hoping this isn’t just bravado lol! 🙁
Dear MMP,
I am feeling your strength. Read about passive aggressive men online and in the blog topic here, and specifically about how to stay strong and don’t get sucked in. From your description, your SA is very passive aggressive, and knowledge is power and strength for you. Wishing you the best:)
MarieWho am I kidding? I’m sat here trying not to fall apart. I sent him a text to let him know he can come over to talk and have had no reply. Is that it? I show some strength and stick up for myself and he decides to reject me? Five years I have put up with this, and now that I am finding things so difficult, he decides to turn his back.
Marie, is this the passive aggressive thing you were talking about? I have done so much reading over the last few days, I’ve just got words going round in my head. I am so confused at the moment and really don’t know which way to turn.Hi MMP,
This is exactly what we are talking about with as regards passive aggressive behavior. A safe way to look at this is that as long as your head is in turmoil, it’s not a good idea to talk to him anyway. Find a way to calm your head…..lunch with a friend, go for a run, read a book, whatever works for you. And then realize that what NAP said is true “don’t stick your hand back in the toaster” He is the cause of the pain and we really want our guy to help us with the pain. He won’t help you with the pain, not without being sober and in recovery for a long time. He wants you to run after him, and for your sake, try not to do that. And then he will decide to run after you when you didn’t respond the way he wanted you to, and don’t get sucked into that either. The longer you are away from his craziness, the clearer your head will get. We’ve all been there. Stay strong, you are worth it:)
MarieDearest MMP,
I wish I could wrap my arms around you. Take this one step at a time. I am appalled at this coward who bulllies you emotionally and psychologically. But you aren’t alone anymore. We are underneath your and all around you. Our strength is yours. Trust us when you don’t trust yourself. Write yourself and script and just keep saying it over and over to him. After all, that’s what he’s doing.For example,
“I am not responsible for any aspect of your sex addiction. And nothing I do or don’t do will stop it or start it. However, I am responsible for how I allow you to treat me. So stop blaming me for your addiction. Nothing in addiction research or treatment supports your blaming me. Everything says you will blame me because you are a bully and a coward. Be a man and get the help you need.”Your new life starts with the first step. Take it. Get yourself a therapist for your own support and well-being. And remember, we teach people how to treat us. So start teaching the new curriculum.
You are worth everything you put into your own well-being. You are worth everything we are putting into it.
love,
D.Diane,
I really like your comment “we teach people how to treat us, so start teaching the new curriculum.” I am going to be more conscious of that.
MarieThank you both so much for your replies. I finally received a text and it seems that his mother was taken ill and is in hospital and he has had to travel to Scotland to be with her. I am worried for her and also now feel so guilty at having been cruel. But then at the back of my mind I am thinking he could have told me..I know he is worried about his mum, but it only takes a second to send a text.
I feel like I am going out of my mind. His text says he wants things to work between us but “theres alot to deal with”. I think he feels like I have the problem here?!
I am totally besides myself with this now. What have I done wrong?? I have been hurting for so long.. I needed time for me and he says that one of his triggers is feeling rejected.. did I do that?
I am so sorry for going on.. but I have nowhere else to turn. My head is bursting and I just want to scream
Stop it MMP!
YOU DID NOT TRIGGER ANYTHING!Do you honestly believe you have so much power that you should take responsibility for his mother’s illness, his feelings about that, his sexual addiction, his recovery etc etc.?
No wonder your head is bursting. Honey, if you had that much power you would have turned him into a toad by now. Take a deep breath and get real with this. You can only control yourself.
Write down on strips of paper the things that are happening. Pick two bowls (maybe one should be pretty). The pretty bowl is for the things that you have control over. The other bowl is for the things you have no control over. If you are spirituality active pursue, Ask for help to deal with the things in the pretty bowl. Then entrust the things in the other bowl to God, or the Source, or Light, or whoever you are talking to. Do that each day and each night.
xo
D.I know you are right Diane. Control is the operative word here I think.. I know I don’t control him and it is his responsibility. I have had a good cry and feel much better. I’m going to take each day as it comes and just leave him to it. Thankfully I have my own house, my own children and my own life so I don’t have to be dependent on him. Small mercies hey!
Time will heal and I am ready for the ups and downs. Just done want too many downs lol!
I so so appreciate your support. You have been brilliant. And I have gained a bit of strength just knowing I can come on this site and be understood. Thank you xx
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