True Intimacy

Hi NAP,
15 months into recovery, I feel that if my husband and I don’t make it as a couple, it won’t be because of the sex addiction. It will be because of the intimacy disorder that virtually all sex addicts have. I personally do not believe that an addict not in recovery or in early recovery is capable of any real intimacy. Anything that seems like intimacy is pretend/fake. Real intimacy isn’t intermittent, it’s safe and consistent. My husband is making progress with this and as long as he continues to make progress, I am willing to work with him. The question is where his maximum ability for intimacy ends up and whether that will be a level that we are both happy with. I read an interesting article about intimacy, posted here below my name. I found it because I was frustrated about trying to explain to my very intellectual husband what intimacy is…..so many people think it refers only to a sexual connection or an emotional connection related to sex….and I found this comforting in that it reassures me that these other things are all a part of what we need and deserve, too, in terms of intimacy.

Marie

Couples often believe that intimacy is synonymous with sexual closeness. However, although intimacy may include physical exchanges, this is not its sole medium. In fact, couples need a variety of types of intimacy, which include: intellectual intimacy, social intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and non-sexual physical intimacy.
Intellectual intimacy is the first basic building block of all close relationships. This is the kind of connection we feel as a result of exchanging ideas. Productive conversations about educational, business, religious, political, relational or other ideas can foster understanding and respect between individuals. Many kinds of relationships share intellectual intimacy. Healthy couples consistently engage in intellectual intimacy through daily conversations.
Close relationships also need social intimacy. Social intimacy is when individuals engage in public activities together, while continuing in the exchange of ideas. Movies, concerts, sporting events, parties, and dining out are all examples of social intimacy. Social intimacy builds on intellectual intimacy as it provides shared, connecting experiences while simultaneously fueling intellectual conversation. For couples, this form of intimacy is often addressed by going on dates, but can also include other general social or family activities.
When both intellectual intimacy and social intimacy are strong, emotional intimacy follows. Beyond the exchange of ideas, emotional intimacy allows for the exchange of feeling. Discussions surrounding joy, frustrations, anger, excitement, or disappointment may provide connection that deepens relationships. Although couples may often express feelings, intimacy develops only as these feelings are heard and understood. This kind of intimacy is often where couples get stuck, as many emotions can be painful to address.
Similar to emotional intimacy is spiritual intimacy. While shared religious experiences may be included here, they are not all-inclusive. Spiritual intimacy is mutual connection over moments of beauty, peace, or connectedness with a higher power. These are often some of our innermost and sacred thoughts, which consequently, we value and protect. Those who are privy to our spiritual side are bonded with us in a way that begets safety. These are often the feelings that we share only with the best of friends, family members, or partners.
Physical intimacy builds upon these experiences, and includes non-sexual physical intimacy such as embraces, kisses, and hand-holding. Physical intimacy is distinguished between physical affection in that physical intimacy is relationship-affirming while non-intimate affection is typically self-serving. Physical affection, when genuinely intimate, begets a feeling of mutual connection and safety. Very close friends often receive hugs, while kisses and hand-holding are generally expressed between family members and couples. At the crux of intimacy is sexual connection, which is reserved for romantic partners.
With so many ways to be intimate, couples have many areas to look to for improvement. Though sexual intimacy is perhaps most frequently addressed, further examination often yields a lack of intimacy in other areas. Building up intimacy from the foundation – intellectual, to social, to emotional and so on – will often correct difficulty in higher forms of intimacy. As each type of intimacy is integral to couple success, taking the time to strengthen couple intimacy often results in increased happiness and marital satisfaction.

Hi Marie – A very good article on intimacy. To have a functional relationship, there are three pieces of the puzzle that have to be there for it to succeed. Friendship, emotional and sexual. If just one of those things are out of balance, a relationship/marriage cannot survive.

Hi NAP, That is the biggest problem in our marraige. It is the underlying issue for his other addictions. even if my husband didn’t look at porn and self sex, he cannot connect with me. We are good at friends and partners but no soul connection.

Excellent article, Marie. I’m printing and going over it with my husband.

I found a video lecture on http://www.drdougweiss.com about Intimacy Anorexia. It explains this connection disorder very well. I also watched the Married and Alone video which describes the life of the spouse of someone with and intimacy disorder.

Hi NAP,
You said it…laying there yearning for his affection. Mine too sometimes provided it, but very rarely. I seems the only time we really connect at any intimacy level is when he’s acted out and I’m raging. And, then, it’s all about his intimacy with someone else. You know?

i came across this article on forms of intimacy and loved it so giving it a bump for others. thanks to Marie for posting it.

Thanks Artemis and, of course, NAP. Such an important topic, and it was nice to see the names of some Sisters that have been MIA for awhile.