Truth Came Out

When we look at someone through the lens of love, they are beautiful.
In my faith, that’s how God looks at us all the time. But it’s also what we experience when we love someone. We see them that way. These guys who didn’t know you were beautiful weren’t looking through the lens of love, because that’s all it takes.

I guess SL and I are lucky in a way that our SAH were into obese women and grannies…..but there is a lesson to be learned in this. It has NOTHING to do with you. This stuff begins in childhood – usually with a childhood trauma. Whatever was associated with the trauma is what they seek. It’s called trauma repetition.

If they were emotionally abused and looked at hot porn – then they are drawn to the models. If they were abused by their moms or an older women – then they are attracted to grannies. If they were abused by men – then they aren’t adverse to men. If they were emotionally abused by their workaholic moms (remember the sister whose husband had the pantyhose fetish). This is typically the case (although not always). If money was involved – then they get a buzz out of paying for sex and being controlling. If they were physically abuse – then they are into S&M.

A CSAT once said to me – if you get a handle on what they prefer – then you can trace it back to their trauma.

So – that’s what we are dealing with here, sister. It’s trauma – and it’s not about the sex. It’s about the trauma and how they self-soothe. Sex is viewed as part of a marriage – and they usually don’t set out to hurt us (unless they have the “I hate my controlling mommy think going on) – but they are like moths drawn to the fire. When they explode – then we get hurt.

We need to emotionally and many times physically – get out of the way!

Victoria – you are not getting out of the way. It’s darned hard to detach – but you can do it. Some find it through yoga, some through reading Melody Beattie, some through COSA/S-Anon, some through meditation – others through reading this board, a partner intensive with Minwalla, a shame reduction workshop. Something or all will help you along the path.

Deb

Deb, I love your informative post.

Victoria, I took a look at some of the high school pictures of the woman much of our money went to. She was 25 -27 years old while my husband flew her around to various cities to spend two nights and three days with him. I was so surprised how average she looked in her high school pictures. “A” cup for sure. I screamed at my husband last night about how plain she was, how small her breasts were. I’m sure she has breast implants. He said yes. How fucked up is that? We live in a world where women cannot be themselves, they have to add fake breasts to their bodies to please these nut-case men? No thank you. FUCK them, every last one of them that likes those breast implants. There was a picture of this very voluptuous woman in a scanty bathing suit with LOTS of cleavage in her high school bedroom where the picture was taken, placed right where she could look at the poster while lying in bed. What kind of a role model was that for her? I don’t know, but my daughter didn’t have posters of a seductive, large-scale, voluptuous woman (think massive breast implants) in her room when she was in high school. How sick! What man fucked with this girl’s body when she was younger? This prostitute was so manipulative. You can only become this manipulative by being around a lot of manipulation. This is not beauty, Victoria. This is mental illness of the highest order. This is two sick people in a room having non-intimate sex. There’s absolutely nothing beautiful about it. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL – NOT THEM. So this average looking high schooler, learns to wear good make-up, learns to keep her body in shape, learns to spend time on her body and hair. Like Bev says, it’s her job. She’s a low-class movie star playing to an audience of one.

Interestingly, my husband complained to me that she sure could sleep a lot. She never, ever once got up with him in the morning. He’d work from the room, make phone calls (narcissist!), etc. and she just wouldn’t wake up. He’d finally leave to go to his meeting or whatever. All those times and never once did she get up. Why? Because the fantasy would be broken. Her hair would be a mess, her make-up would be smeared and in need of refreshing, etc. It’s all one lunatic fantasy. You can let it go, Victoria.