update on depressed slob husband

First of all, thank you all for so many wonderful words, ideas, suggestions, thoughts… and for cheering me on.

I read a really, really interesting article in Newsweek about middle aged men who suddenly find themselves with a career that they thought they had.

http://www.newsweek.com/2011/04/17/dead-suit-walking.html

That DID happen to my husband. Here’s a quote from the article, that really hit home.

“As if middle age isn’t bad enough. The moribund metabolism. The purple pill that keeps your food down. The blue pill that keeps another part of your anatomy up. Now you can’t get an effing job? Stuck in your own personal Detroit of the soul, with the grinding stress of enforced idleness. The wife who doesn’t look at you quite the same way. The poignantly forgiving sons. The stain on your masculinity for becoming the bread-loser. The night sweats and dark refuge of Internet porn. The gnawing fear that this may be the beginning of a slow, shaming crawl to early Social Security.”

And… then add in some lonely women to make him feel ALIVE again. I get it… He took the path of least resistance. The quick fix solution and perhaps didn’t realize what he was doing… I’ll give him that much. In addition, we have had to raise two really, really difficult kids…

Now, please know… I am not making excuses for him, or me or anyone. He STILL has a problem, and I think he realizes it now and is planning on finding a therapist. He said this of his own accord.

I told him that I don’t want secrets on our computers and then, he shocked me by giving me the password to the mothership, which was tied into our wedding anniversary. kinda made me feel badly… He said, that originally, it was there, because he didn’t want the kids getting on there… well YEAH!!! He didn’t want them finding his porn and online girlfriends.

Can he still hide stuff on there? I’m sure that he can. One thing at a time.

We talked about the cyber chats and I asked him if he understood what an emotional affair is? Talking to another woman is dangerous and wrong. It is so easy for it to become flirtatious and then… it’s so easy for that flirtation to go to the next level… and it IS titillating. Of course, it is… and it also erodes at the very fiber of a man’s real relationship with his very real wife— and it is potentially damaging to the other woman too! Its a lose/lose proposition, ultimately. Viewing porn is all about fantasy and again… well.. y’all get it. 🙂 I hope he gets it now. Is he going to stop looking at porn. I doubt it. I don’t feel like having sex with him, but right now, I have no desire to have sex with ANY man! predator really fucked me over with that one.

There are some other good things in that my h happens to love his current job and is due for a raise soon and is thinking of ways to bring more to the table and take on more responsibility and therefore, be worth more to the company. They like him a lot there and all of that is terrific! Oh, BTW, when I said that he had made 300k in the last 9 years, there was in that time, about 2.5 years when he didn’t work at all! He grosses about 60k right now, however, we live just north of NYC and its very expensive to live here and we have a son in college. Yes, I work, but my biz is quite erratic. We took a huge hit with the recession. To live here, a family of four needs to make a gross income of at least 150k a year and that amount is not going to provide a lavish luxurious lifestyle, just basic stuff and we are no where near that.

At least he’s taking some steps. Is he an addict? I dunno… He doesn’t drink alcohol— at all… he doesn’t even drink coffee or tea (which I find really weird) unless its iced tea. He doesn’t smoke or do any drugs. The joint we smoked was ONE TIME and a friend from Australia had given it to him. The only “addiction” he has is to chocolate… haha!

Sure, he has depression and low self esteem which most SAs do, but it has also been exacerbated by circumstances and a lack of male friendship and family, close by.

A lot of these issues, he had before he met me and he had told me so, but was getting therapy to help with them… and it did! But then, he fell prey to his demons after we moved away from all of that in 1991.

So, I guess he’s more of a SA NOS– some features, but not the full-blown disorder.

Will I still stay married to him? I don’t know. I believe that when its the right time, one knows without a shadow of a doubt and right now… I just have way too many doubts and leaving doesn’t feel right. If he still can’t get his act together and I don’t continue to see some forward motion, then I’ll have my answer.

blessings and love to all! ~ L