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Hi sisters
Been MIA, much going on in life
Crazy Busy with work, kids, lawsuit from 2010 car accident
Depo was ridiculous for a case where they accept 100% liability but won’t come up w a reasonable figure
Anyway, please send thoughts and prayers my way for mediation november 29th. I’d like to avoid a trial if possibleOn home front, progress is being made.
Sah has been ‘sober’ since October 2011, disclosure June 2012, so my wounds are still rather fresh
We continue to live in same home, separate rooms.
I needed this financially, and honestly was in such a depressive fog, felt I couldn’t function, manage home, children, on my own.
If finances are not an issue, I do not recommend this courseSah continues therapy, no longer going to ‘meetings’
However, he is communicating honestly for a change about his struggles, being very present in the lives of our children, and continues to be supportive of me.
He seems to no longer be ‘playing’ the role of being sober. Rather he seems to be living life, with it’s ups and downs. But unlike the addict of the past, the ups are not too high and the lows are not too low.
He’s planning our son’s birthday w my son for the first time in 10 years. He’s doing this to help me. As for many years he mocked my holiday ‘freak out’ instead of helping.
He’s now trying to make a living amends w this and helping coordinate the holidays, all previously handled by me w a spouse who was never present, nor grateful and a chore to be around
He’s beginning to look at his actions, his responses to things I’ve brought up to him recently, and over our marriage and working with his counselor to delve into what drives his reactions.
He’s beginning to see the negative responses he has and has had toward me have little if anything to do with me and everything to do with him
Twice this week he over reacted to me regarding situations that are entirely too long to explain, but both resulted in him reflecting on why he felt so strongly, and could not hear my position. He apologized bc he is beginning to see how his past is dictating his behavior today how he has blamed me for the sins of others.
It’s not perfection, for sure. But this is not the behavior of the sex addict I’ve known for 18 years, married 14.
This is a different man
A man who finished the sauce so I could help our son with something before bed, a man who is getting the kids in the mornging so I can sleep in bc of back pain. A man who is doing all of that without his usually currency reward of sex.
I’m beginning to trust him again, see good again because for so long all I could see was a man I did not know, I could not remember one thing good about him, our life, why we got together in the first place.
It’s making life bearable today.
With all said. I still do not know we will stay married. I have no desire to be sexual with him at all, and this is not the way I intend to live my remaining days
If we do stay together, it will be after we separate and divorce.
Once suit settles I’d like him to move out for 6 months, and I’d like to divorce
Neither of us came into this marriage with our true selves, and neither honored it. I do not intend to commit to what we had, only to who something new of it is to be.Wishing each of you the best during this chaotic time and chaotic holiday season.
We have much to be grateful for, although it is so diff to see initially.
I am extremely grateful to the women I’ve met here at SOS, Joann for beginning and maintaining the site.
But most of all, I’m grateful to be awake.
No longer ignoring the behavior I accepted as a condition of marriage. No longer ignoring my needs. No longer settling for someone simply bc he is my husband
I’m grateful to have grown, and to have moved from anger to forgiveness of both my sah and forgiveness of myself
For not respecting and loving myself enough and allowing someone to treat me in a way I should of found unacceptable.
As painful as this is and continues to be, I’m grateful to have gone through it, because it’s bringing me back to me. Back to honoring my true selfSorry to the long rambling post
Love to you all
Stacy.
XoxoxoI love your post Stacy. You sound stable and grounded which is a huge feat for all of us. Your head is screwed on right, I’m glad he is making progress. I had my h move out in August. The peace is back in my home. I too hope my h can be ok, for everyone’s sake, but I know I need to feel safe In an honest environment. And that must be at a respectable distance.
Stacy, Thank you for your post. I just told my husband we need to divorce and try to start over. I so appreciate hearing the progress and lack of progress you report. It helps me understand my future a bit.
Thanks for posting. Your honesty and willingness to share has helped me so much. I love ya girl!
I related especially to the ” I`m in such a depressive fog that I am unable to go it alone..” I paraphrased but it`s my truth.
I need his help right now and he at least owes me that. I am planning to change that “need” one step at a time. I hate him so much for turning me into this person I don`t recognize but maybe there is a lesson for me here somewhere….? I`m a good student and a quick learner 🙂
Stacy,
Sounds like you have a lot going on. You seem grounded and I am happy for you with that. I am glad that you are seeing a more refreshing side to your H. That certainly helps.
Keep us posted and good luck with the mediation. My mediation is supposed to be this Thursday. I am very nervous about it.
Take care,
CindyStacy,
Your clarity and peace is front and center. I’m so glad that your husband is helping you and becoming more real. I’m curious why he dropped the meetings?
I have also come to the conclusion that I have to leave behind my fake marriage….not sure how I do that as my husband is on medical disability and money is really tight – but hopefully it will come to me.
You have inspired me! And I also agree – as shitty as all of this is, I do think that it brings us closer to who we are meant to be. One good thing out of all the crap.
Deb
Stacy,
Thank you for your update and I’m happy to hear he is doing so well. Also, you knowing what you need to do for you and what you want. I hope your car accident case is settled soon and I hope you are okay from it. Wishing you all the best!
Love, NapHi Stacy,
what a thoughtful and honest post. Wow. You deserve to be heroine of the day, I think.
Its great to read you are being treated better and life is a little easier because of it. I hope this works out for you.
When I comes down to it, we aren’t asking for very much at all. But it’s such a gift when we get it. Just common courtesy, loyalty, and some positive attention. Wow, how unreasonable is that?
Hope the accident think works out right too.
Hang in there!
D.xoWow Diane…I think you deserve heroine of the day.
” When I comes down to it, we aren’t asking for very much at all. But it’s such a gift when we get it. Just common courtesy, loyalty, and some positive attention. Wow, how unreasonable is that? “
I have said it a million times and now my H repeats it to me ( like he just made some huge discovery)….I was NEVER asking for much. I have never been the type to feel that people owe me anything extra. It seems so simple, ” I`ll be a decent human being and you be a decent human being and we will be ok”…..I guess it just is not that simple 🙂
Good luck with everything, including the lawsuit.
Bev, it isn’t that simple at all. We see it as not asking for much, they see it as we are asking for so much that they can never meet our needs and we will never let them forget it. You can’t get much further apart than that.
Isn’t being a kind and respectful human being something we learn from our family, our teacher (kindergarten-plays well with others, shares, ect), social norms? This should be expected not considered a gift. People who blow this or distort it, it’s not by accident, it’s ego driven, selfish, and callous.
Stacy, thank you for sharing. It’s unfortunate when they try to turn it around our warm and fuzzy feelings we had for them seem gone for good. I struggle with that as well at times.
I hope your mediation ends the court process so there’s no trial.Thinking of you-
For NowDear Stacy,
Thank you for the honest post. You describe well what their best attempts at recovery look like.
I am glad to hear you are going ahead with your plan to separate your life from him and that you are feeling somewhat in control of your choices. Karen xxstacy,
I am really happy for you. It seems that you have a plan. In our situation, a plan is a dream really. I can relate to some of what you have said. My husband just asked if i wanted him to fold the laundry. This is not something that he used to ask. He is definitely much more helpful, sensitive, willing to listen. He does have much more areas to grow. But, if there is one thing that i have learned from this entire ordeal is that i am not perfect. I think we can all relate with this. Once we all choose to forgive, we move towards looking within. I’m not saying we need to be in these situations to review ourselves, but it is one good thing that comes of this (not many).
Try to keep staying positive stacy, remain open for change both within yourself and within your relationship.
Wishing all the best for everyone!
HopeStacy,
Thank you for your update. It is hopeful and honest and gives us all another vision, I think, of the path forward. That really is absent in the reading I’d done before. The path forward for partners.
I hope your settlement goes well as can be expected. And the holidays are a blessing for you all.
Lynn
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