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My two very young children and I have moved out of state, away from my SAH to get support from friends and family (1.5 hours away). SAH keeps pushing for more time w the kids. I’ve allowed him to see them every weekend – at first, just for a few hours on one weekend day and most recently, overnight. He is requesting to have them from Friday to Sunday this weekend and I don’t know what to do.
1. I’ve been told by an attorney that it doesn’t look good to a judge if I appear to be limiting my SAH’s time w the kids.
2. Despite how much I hate him, I do believe he loves the kids and I want them to have some relationship w him.
BUT…
3. I’ve been accommodating this asshole for years and Im concerned that if I give him more d more time w the kids I will set a precedent and eventually a court will decide to continue giving him as much time as he wants w the kids.
I believe I should be the primary parent bc (aside from the fact that I don’t lie and have sex w prostitutes) I’ve spent every waking moment raising these kids and now, since the shit has hit the fan, suddenlybthe man who ad no time fir his family is effing super dad. It makes me want to vomit.Bottom line – how do I balance not looking like someone who is restricting her husbands access to the kids vs. setting a precedent of giving him too much time?
Thank you!
AIMHO here. Keep limiting the visitation as long as you can articulate any sex addiction concerns. He’s lucky to get what you’re giving him.
Period!
End of story.
Said with love,
For NowYou have valid reasons to not allow small children to be with him overnight. Also, in California the courts supposedly give weight to “status quo”, which is the pattern of custody/visitation that has been established. So, you are right to be cautious about allowing them to stay with him for an entire weekend. It would set a precedence. Have you had a custody mediator do an evaluation? That would help establish a reason why limited visitation is warranted.
If your kids didn’t spend long periods alone with dad before the split, it makes no sense that they should now. Don’t give in to his because he is intimidating you.
I answered you earlier what my arrangement was with my STBX- we saw him for about an hour usually about twice a week, sometimes 3 times, and I supervised. And that was good enough. I didn’t have any problems being accused of limiting access. My attorney told me to do what is best for my son.
You do not have to allow overnights. You will have a harder time denying it now in court now that you have allowed it- did you only allow once or has this gone on a number of weekends? Talk to your attorney about this one, but you may need new evidence if you want to restrict overnights now that you have allowed it.
Set your boundaries and don’t budge or he will be pushing and manipulating you for the rest of your life.
This is a tough one Anne but it seems it is safer to restrict than to open anymore doors? your husband is a surgeon who works all the time and you are a stay at home mom to 2 toddlers. What judge is going to decide they should be with him? I would find some way to beat him at his own game. What about bringing the kids to him during the week for a visit(not overnight and is a hassel I know) and then one weekend afternoon? That appears fair but doesn’t give him a huge amount of time. Also, I am guessing he doesn’t want them during the week but then it falls to him to say he doesn’t have time for them…..
An entire weekend seems too long….and sets a precedent. I’d offer him an alternative. Did you file yet?
Anne, since your H actually got arrested, I would think that keeping his time with the kids limited would be the norm. My attorney told me the same thing about keeping the kids from H or taking them out of town with out permission…
I made H sign a notarized document that said I basically had his permission to do anything with the kids. I told him sign it or I would see him in court. My attorney drew it up……
Just a thought.
I don’t remember if you have actually filed for divorce but I held it over my H’s head and he was begging me not to file….
If you have already filed, maybe you could bargain with something else. I was/am willing to give up anything to have control of the kids. I have NO intention of keeping them from their father but I want control.
I used h`s “recovery” to get everything possible signed over to me. They are pretty accommodating when threatened with losing their families…..My therapist suggested I do this.
I will put my two cents worth in here.
Many jurisdictions will look at your decisions as precident and follow them when making visitation decisions.
If you allow overnights, they will grant them ongoing because they trust that your decision, as a mother, is sound.
On the flip side, that could come back to bite you. They could actually find you unfit because you knowingly placed your children in harm’s way by allowing them to be alone, overnight, with someone untrustworthy and potentially harmful to your children.
Society expects the mother to protect her children no matter what.
I would definitely err on the side of a concerned mother’s judgement and not allow overnight visitation. If asked to explain, or even if you are hauled into court, your reasons are based upon the safety and well being of your children.
No judge in the world is going to fault you for that. ~ JoAnn
Anne, I am so sorry. I had you confused with Ali ( her H was arrested for the hookers). You both joined about the same time. My brain is half working these days.
I still think we gave you good advice. Don’t let your hubby dictate visits. Don’t keep him from the kids but dictate what you are comfortable with….
Sorry for confusing you.
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