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Does anyone have experience in having to do a vocational assessment?
I am getting another blow from my husband claiming that he can’t support me after the divorce and wants me to get a job. I am suffering over here. I just don’t know if I can take one more thing.
I can’t take it. I am to tired to write the details, but let me just say briefly that this is a man who held executive positions making a lot of money throughout our marriage. We have moved several times during the marriage to support his career. We both choose for me to stay home with the children for the last 20 years, and I felt honored to do it. Now at the age of 52 he wants me to go get a job claiming that he is resentful that he had all of the financial obligations on his shoulders. This is a man who was very pompous about his career and felt he was so above the average guy. Now he wants to go and claim that he holds resentment? Don’t you think he could have shared that bit of information many years ago? He gets fired from his job and invests most of our retirement into a business he wants to buy and is now saying we don’t have money and he does not make enough to support me. Interesting that this all transpired after I find out that he is a SA and I am holding him accountable to his actions. Now all of a sudden the big man on campus can’t provide for his family.
He is such a liar. But I am being forced to do this assessment and I feel like he continues to get away with this kind of crap. When I asked him why he is making me do this, his response was that I need help in trying to decide what to do with my free time. OMG, really? I do not need help in what to do with my time, and I especially do not need his input on what I am going to do with the rest of my life.
I am freaking out over here.
Cindy, I have no advice, but just wanted to say I’m sorry for this newest abuse. Hang in there, you are in the right. Love, Liza
Cindy,
I would tear it up in pieces and mail it to him. Add a note saying you have ‘resentment’ for him fuxking prostitutes during the whole 26 year marriage. Tell him to NEVER mention this vocation assessment again and he better man-up or the cows are going to get let out of the barn. It won’t be pretty. Cindy hes an AH so sorry he won’t grow up maybe when your lawyer makes it clear and simple he’ll finally get it.
Love ya, NapHi Cindy,
Did you hire a new atty? What did they say?
I used to get all in a panic for everything..some of it was not needed for me to even find out about, let alone freak out about. But i did. So I would defer this situation to your lawyer and see what they say. He can try all sorts of things, but that does not mean he will get it. And they can do a vocantional assessment on him to. If he is earning below what he is capable of, they can do an assessement to find out what his earning potential is, and make him pay based on that?? So there would be no more “i can’t afford to pay you”. What a final insult hey? These guys are bottom feeders/leaches at the very best. Maybe NAP knows the answer to this one? What have I always said? It does not pay to stay. They will still throw you under the bus and refuse to give what is due. So sorry Cindy. I hope things get better.Love,
FloraI’ve never heard of someone being REQUIRED to take a vocational assessment. Is this seriously being ordered by the court? If not, set it on fire in front of him.
Dear Cindy,
Maybe you could sell his business so he can give you back your half of the retirement funds AND get a job where he can afford to pay alimony? If you do a vocational assessment at some point…dumb yourself down as low as you can. Indicate that you don’t have ANY skills. And for God sake’s…get a GOOD lawyer and let them handle your H. Can you threaten to expose him? Do you have evidence that can humiliate him? ANYTHING you have you have to use it…. Karen xx
PS where are your children in all of this?? Do they want you to get a minimum wage job too?
I agree with March. If this is court ordered then go get a medical diagnoses of PTSD. If it is not court ordered then F him.
I agree. I’d dumb it down for sure. Two can play that game!
If there’s something required in writing about it I’d start the dumbing down process by misspelling every fucking word you have to write, including your name! 🙂Or, you could compose a vocational goal that was all about helping the partners of sexually addicted/compulsive PDhs. and why, listing the symptoms of PTSD, the types of behaviour of the h, (with pictures and texts of his), learning how to sensitively disclose the truth friends, co-workers, family and neighbours, finding the right lawyer who will be aggressive enough to get most of the assets, working with police when the behaviours become criminal, and shopping for a flat head shovel.
Cindy,
I am so sorry that your H is making you go through this, but unfortunately my H is doing the same thing to me. He decided to give himself a paycut (he ownes the company) and to cut my support in half (as soon as he received his divorce papers). So now he doesn’t even provide enought to cover the mortgage payment. My lawyer told me this is nothing new in the courts and it happens all the time, and the judge does not like it. So get a good lawyer and fight him. If he ownes a company 1/2 of the company should be yours, so make sure you get your share. I agree with Diane use whatever you have against him. I told my H that if he pulled anymore shit on me that had to do with our assets or finances I would expose him to his family, employees, business associates, etc…that shut him up for now. I am sure I am not done dealing with his shit, but I am going to take him to the cleaners, and you need to toughen up and do the same. Good luck!!
Sound advice, Jodee. I keep asking Cindy if she can target the business OR humiliate him into giving her what she deserves.
The way I put it to mine was: “If I can’t get what I need from you financially to take care of me and my child, then I don’t care if you have a fucking job or not.” Meaning I would out him at work. He knew I was serious, too.
Thank you all for responding.
Flora,
Yes, I did hire a new atty. His values seem more in line with mine. I have met with him once, and talked on the phone with him once. He told me that a vocational assessment would be a waste of money and time in our case because of the nature of my career experience. However, since I spoke with him, his assistant sent me an email telling me that I need to make an appointment for this. I wrote back to her asking her who is requesting I do this. Her response was that she was informed to have me do this. I tried to have direct contact with my atty about this, however, he is not available for phone or personal meeting until Monday.
I think that perhaps my husbands lawyer requested this and at the last pre conference hearing, the judge ordered it to be done. I will find out more on Monday, but should I wait to make the appt until than? They have sent me several dates from the vocational office to choose from.
I am having severe anxiety about this. It is making me feel like I have no control over my life or what my choices are. It feels so strange to me.
How can I find out that my husband is a SA,
stand up for myself,
have him decide to divorce me,
and also tell me what I should do with my life?March,
Yes, I think this is strange toooo. I think it is happening that way. I will find out more on Monday. I am not sure about the medical diagnoses. I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I guess just like with everything else in my life right now, I am just going to have to wait and see.Bev , For-Now, and Diane,
I get the “dumbing down” but also feel worried about that. What if this is just a set up and I will burn my ass in the long run for not accurately depicting myself? I think I am paranoid. But I just don’t know what to trust right now. I do know that with the way I am feeling with the PTSD, I do not feel like I can do this right now. When I asked my Doctor about it, he just said that I have to do it if they are requesting it. I told him that I can’t hardly get out of the house for his therapy, let alone, something like this. He said for me to tell them this when I go.
Karen,
I mentioned the idea of selling the business to my husband when we met the other night to discuss settlement. He was indicating that he was very concerned about both his anxiety and the success of the business. I told him that if he was that concerned, that perhaps we should sell now. He did not think that was an option that makes sense right now. He said that he wanted to give me half of everything that we had right now to protect me. He said that if we split our investments right now, if the business fails, that it would not affect me financially. I told him that ***wink wink*** his concern over my well being is overwhelming. How kind of him to think of me (sarcastic). I could not possibly put him in a position where he risks everything while I walk away financially safe. (gag)
Of course I smell a rat. He is full of shit. If he was so concerned for my well being, we would not be in this position. I said to him that if he is struggling so much emotionally, than how does he have time to :
1 – have a girlfriend
2 – move in with her
3 – change his phone to her name
etc. etc. etc…..If he is so ridden with anxiety, how does he have time for this kind of shit?
As far as exposing him, I am not sure who he can be exposed to (except the girlfriend) . Pretty much everyone knows the situation in our friend and family circle. I have a couple of the emails that he sent back and forth to some of the prostitutes he used.
As far as our children are concerned, they are pretty much dumbstruck by him and what he has done and is currently doing. I did not tell them right away after discovery. When I did tell them, I did it very softly. They are adults, but I know that it is still very difficult for them to learn this about their father. I told them very gently and with the flavor that he has a problem, we are trying to get help, and he loves them. As the years have gone by, I have not sheltered them from my pain and have not sugar coated the situation. They do not know the grim details. They know that he suffers with SA. They know that he has a girlfriend and is living with her. This girlfriend thing is what has really caused a split in their attitudes towards him. It is very hard to see my kids suffer with this on top of everything else. And yet, SA carries on like what ever is, will be. How nice for him to be so carefree with it all!!!! Unfortunately, he did not have a close relationship with the kids. I know that is no surprise. He has provided well for us, but has not been emotionally available. I know that he loves his children, but just can’t connect.
Karen, I am not sure how to target the business or humiliate him. Nothing really seems to affect him. He just separates so much of who he is to what is happening.
Jodee,
Sounds like we need to talk. This is such a big problem with these guys who own their own business. They can decide what shows up in their own paycheck. What makes me so angry is that every knows this, but the courts do not seem to be able to do anything about it. Very scary.
I am hoping that my new lawyer will be able to help me. I am so scared. How much more can a person take? I am a strong person, but seriously, I have limits that I think I am hitting. I have such sadness in my heart. I know that we all do, and that I am not special. Just hurting.
Thankyou all for being here for me.
Love, Cindy
Don’t even ask that question, How much can a person take? Usually, it gets answered by the universe in horrible ways. We are capable of enduring SO MUCH, it’s really scary. This isn’t over yet. BUT YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
Cindy, I think March’s suggestion is a good place to start, with the PTSD diagnosis. And I feel like a hypocrite suggesting this, because I’ve got a raging phobia of medical doctors and haven’t been to one in years, but maybe a physical exam would also be a good idea? Because the physical toll that SA takes on us is no joke. Filling out a ‘vocational assessment form’ when you’ve been depleted of every last reserve of physical and mental energy seems like a bizarre thing to be told to do. And then losing your mom in the middle of all this, and you’re suddenly supposed to pound the pavement looking for a job?? Something is so wacked with this picture that it makes me want to scream.
And your h reminds me so much of mine in so many ways..Years of being the big financial guy, emotionally unavailable, and full of resentments that ‘recovery’ (choke) seems to be making stronger than ever. And suddenly voicing resentments about financially supporting me. Their bag of tricks is bottomless. Cindy, is your lawyer a warrior for you? Because you need to marshall all your forces around you..lawyer, psychiatrist, therapist, medical doctor. You didn’t ask for this war, but that’s what it is. And he can’t be allowed to get away with this shjt.
Sending you much love and concern. xoxoDear Cindy,
Do you have an attorney? if so what do they say about this assessment thing?
remind your Husband that raising children and taking care of the home is a pay free full time job. he had free labor for 20 years. what would full time day care and housekeeping cost for what you did? it wasn’t free Cindy. not by a long shot. add the time value of money? He made out like a bandit. marriage is a partnership– many of us make tradeoffs, — for the benefit of the family. i guess he skipped the manual on that. but as usual, it’s all about them.
he is lying. for sure. i hope you get your share of that 401k money — and QUICKLY!!!! before whatever “business” he wants to buy transaction goes down. can you freeze assets? don’t let him dump your portion of the retirement in some business that is illiquid or shady. that’s YOUR share. not his.
He actually gained money.
This is all just so wrong on so many levels…..
I am so sorry Cindy. I hope your attorney can put a stop to this nonsense. As Annie stated, this is war. Play dirty….
God, his poor girlfriend… She is in for a rude awakening!
I wish i knew more about the law and could offer useful advice. 🙁 I will say this Cindy..whatever your husband advises you DO THE OPPOSITE. He wants to hang onto the business so he has income while he throws you under the bus and forces you out to work. What if you threaten to force the sale of the business? Do you think that would affect him? I hope you get to talk to your lawyer soon. I feel so bad about this Cindy…..It is worse than the bloody cheating. 🙁 Karen xx
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