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Dear Sisters,
Thank you for all your thoughtful support as I cross over the bridge into my Temporary Order. It’s been dramatic, as one can always expect from AN ADDICT. I would love your take/next move advice on my latest: (So, I got primary placement and all the bills are still paid by him, etc.) but get this, we are still fighting over the house. There is no equity bc of his piss poor financial management. It’s upside down/underwater by $30K for sure, but the current mort is $273. I’d movwe in a second, but it would be hard on the kids and they’ve all ready told me so. My Dad said he would cosign on whatever house I want (current one with big mort or smaller house I can magae better.OKAY So SAndy’s brilliant idea for solving this house dilemma is to BUILD A BEDROOM for himself in the room above the garage with a WALL for privacy (this is in a room that all ready has a door, and also the same room he had no privacy needs for to jack off to porn. So, he’s going to build himself a ridiculous bedroom….and then attack me for changing the locks. (You know the drill. Deflect and attack. I’m going to look at homes in the area next week to see if there’s anything worth while, but remember I have 4 kids so a move at this time of year is not commonly wise. Anythoughts on whether I should keep the house versus rent??? How about how to handle his ATTENTION SEEKING bedroom addition??? I am nearing the end of my rope with all the game playing. I’m also exhausted, please forgive any typos. I’ll see you girls back out here early in Spring. 🙂
Oh Lord Helen, do whatever the Fuck it takes to get that Freak the hell away from you and your kids. Seriously. And tell the kids to put their big girl and boy panties on (please no flames for truth tellin’) Life is HARD… Time for a clean break which means a new zip code for you and yours.
I have to agree with my friend Liza. This guy is coo coo for cocoa pops! For some sick reason, he wants to be around even though you are in a divorce. Either he’s really stupid or he’s riding the denial train or both. I would take your dads kind offer and go find me a nice house in the same kids neighborhood if that is possible. Then I’d day bye bye to sandy and flip him off behind his back.
Love, Napcosign with your dad. remove sah from the house. get some distance for you and your kids. your deserve at least that. he needs to face the consequences of his actions. he can’t have it the way he wants. you need to get what YOU want.
think of what that is, then get it. resist pushback.
don’t listen to what anyone says. listen to your heart. listen to your body. fight for what is yours (i had a few glasses of wine..)
If this house is underwater, I would get out from underneath it. I would want a fresh start. If you could swing a place in the same school district that you are in now, the kids won’t have that traumatic of a change. But, this is an adult decision, and what the kids want, really shouldn’t be a factor. My parents never once asked us kids if we would be okay with moving. They just packed us up and moved us. The kids will survive, they are very resilient.
Your Dad would be tickled pink if you let him help you get out of this situation. The whole reason for divorcing is to get away from your spouse. Him living in a “room” off the house won’t cut it. You might as well remain married.
Trust your gut in this decision. I know you will make the right one.
Much love, Claire
if the house is under water, may as well rent. paying the mortgage isn’t building much for you. if you can rent in the same school district– wb great. unless you want change.
for me, renting has been liberating. i don’t worry when something is wrong with plumbing, etc. much less burderns and responsibility. can be very enjoyable. and when you are ready to buy again– go for it. but perhaps a year renting somewhere you like, wb nice for all.
if the house is under water, may as well rent. paying the mortgage isn’t building much for you. if you can rent in the same school district– wb great. unless you want change.
for me, renting has been liberating. i don’t worry when something is wrong with plumbing, etc. much less burderns and responsibility. can be very enjoyable. and when you are ready to buy again– go for it. but perhaps a year renting somewhere you like, wb nice for all.
ps. — tell exsah to rent a storage unit to live in. prob more economical and private. than a bedroom above garage. these guys never stop. with their bright ideas.
Oh, Helen,
I can’t believe you didn’t get some relief with your temporary orders mediation from this house situation. He is a sick-o. If you can’t get him legally out, I don’t know what choice you have but to move. He is a total asshole to put you and your children in that kind of position. Yeah, he’s a great father. Unfortunately, he’ll probably try to use that to say that you are trying to alienate him from his kids. I don’t know if you countering that it isn’t good for the kids to have you and him in close proximity because of the tension. I would hope judges would be able to see reality here.
Helen, I know you must just be exhausted with all the crap/games. He just makes my blood boil. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. No one deserves that.
No question that he should not be anywhere near you. A bedroom in your house? Crazy.
If staying in your current house with the help of your dad would help your kids, I would do that. I disagree that the kids should not be a factor in your decision. If your dad’s help makes it possible financially, I think that would help your kids move through this time of loss with at least one stabilizing thing in place. I do speak from experience. With my dad’s help, I was able to stay in the neighborhood where we landed during this awful mess. The kids had made strong friends, and I had great neighbors that supported me and my kids. I truly believe staying here has been a huge factor in my kids doing so well right now.
Get rid of him or leave. He is a nut. Just make up your mind which one you are going to do and roll with it. The kids will be ok if you are ok. Don`t lose site of the goal….get rid of him!!
While I understand your reluctance to move your children, I worry that if you stay in your current home he will always see it as part his and play these mind-games. For that reason, I’d say that you should move if you can and establish a home that it just for you and the kids.
I agree. If it is possible. It doesn`t have to done immediately but ASAP. He must go. No bedroom for dummy 🙂
I’m about to swing from the chandeliers here. He’s got all his power tools out and enlisting my kids help building his porn den. He’s wearing safety goggles, but he doesn’t think the kids need them when he’s using nail gun and a circular saw. I know that Addicts thrive on creating chaos and it’s best to ignore it, but I’m hitting my wall and I feel like I’m done playing softball. He obviously doesn’t want to go to Court, so that’s where we should be going and IMO his sexual addiction SHOULD be on public record. I have an email out to my Attorney asking what it would cost to reroute via the Courts at this point. If some Judge/Commissioner is going to order the Primary Caregiver and 4 kids out of the home in the beginning of the school year (versus sending SAndy packing to an apartment) then so be it. At least the truth will be on record. What do you girls think? I’m maxed. My sanity is tapped.
Get him out no matter what it takes!!
I am so sorry but you can only take so much. He needs to stop the construction NOW. Was it court ordered that he could build in your home? You could even check the building code sites in your city…Maybe he needs a permit to build?
Pull him aside and tell him that if he doesn`t stop this non sense then court is inevitable.
I`ll keep thinking but under NO circumstances is he to build a porn room in your home!!
OMG, Helen, Tell you attorney you need this house thing resolved ASAP. He is being a total asshole- enlisting your kids to help him build? How inappropriate is that? Is he going to have them help move his things in, too? The kids need as little chaos as possible in their lives right now- not this!
I would make sure the kids have plenty to do today (is this his weekend? The he can help them make sure their homework is done, maybe run errands with them if they need things. He’s a parent, by god make him do some parenting).
Helen, stay far away from the nail gun. If I were you, I’d be tempted to use it!
Oh Helen, they get even crazier. I think you need to keep your court date. He can’t do this shit anymore. His ass needs to get out, so sorry you are going through this.
Love, NapOh Helen, how fucked up is that! Sisters are right, he must need a permit. Hell, where I live you need a permit to install a hot water heater. I’d put in an anonymous call to the City STAT.
I like March’s idea. i am sure it needs a permit. the city will make him tear it down. literally. if not permittted, you can report it. also, it can affect valu of sale of home. he is making a decision he has no business making, perhaps as part of divorce he will be required to pay for putting it back to its original form.
oh happy day. if you can call the city tomorrow, to report it–it won’t cost anything and they may send someone and require the construction to stop. but you are in the house with him. that’s my only concern. because he will lose it
Good grief! What would be the point in divorcing the crazy f–k if he was going to live above the garage?? Your H has NO INTENTION of going away no matter what your marital status so you will have to take steps to remove him. Try the city and permit route and then the court. He is wacko. 🙁
He’s wearing safety goggles, but he doesn’t think the kids need them, Self-centered much? haha my dumb ass would do this. Ear plugs for him only!
What does your lawyer think? Seeing the financial restructuring lawyer was such a good move for me. You should really consider it. Just google finance restructuring lawyers in madison. I went to Godfrey and Kahn, they are in your area too. I got a free hour – of great advice. I would have paid. My guy knew exactly what to do. They like playing chess.
Think of yourself a year from now. Do you want to be in an upside down house, trying to pay the bills, or do you want to be in something more manageable? This is a great time to buy, you can get a lot of house for your money. And how fortunate that your dad is able and to help you sign.
The kids can help shop, but you know they will want to live next door to a cute girl or boy they know, so don’t put too much stock in what they want!Personally if my house were upside down I would stick it to my husband. Let him suffer the albatross around his neck. …..But that may lead to stress/job loss etc. not good either.
That’s where the finance attorney could help you. There are things you can do with upside down houses right now. Maybe the best thing would be to sell and both of you take the loss right now. And really be free from all of it.
Remember a house is not a home. Fresh start and new memories sounds like it could make the transition a lot easier.
Dad in the garage sounds like hell!
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