We really need a group forum called fucked up

[hadj608]

Hi all – I have been lying low for a bit trying to get my head around what I have been learning from the therapist I have been seeing. I am gaining clarity yet feeling more confused than ever. I wasn’t sure I liked her at first, but now I have seen her 6-7 times and it is starting to make a lot of sense. She doesn’t believe in sex addiction – which is why I felt skeptical. She spent time working/training at Promises in California, which she said has a different view on addictions. She said most places focus on the addiction and bad behavior, but if you really deal with the problem that caused the addiction first, a lot of the addictive behaviors just go away. She believes most issues come from attachment or abandonment issues. So back to the family of orientation issues. She said attachment disorders usually happen in the first twelve months of life. My husband and all sa’s most likely have attachment issues, they desperately want to feel connected, but can’t so they just move on to the next one. Right? I hate my mil.

I have abandonment issues. My mom died when I was 17, and my siblings and I believe it was suicide by cancer. Her whole body was full of cancer and she never went to the doctor. She got sick and died 2 days later. Ok, this has never been a secret, my 6 siblings and dad talk about this plenty. It is a great mystery in our family and we all honor each others views. Even still I apparently fear abandonment. This makes sense too. Here is what I never share – she told me I was her favorite right before she died. There I said it. Guilt? Who the fuck knows. But I will keep digging.

So my h had a really weird life. His family projects themselves as perfect. Church, school, over-rule followers, and act like they are better than everyone else. His mom has always hid the food and never lets anyone eat. I had to sneak my kids out to get food when we stayed with them and tell them not to tell grandma. She has written down every penny she has ever spent in journals, even itemizing her grocery bill. I thought she was “quirky”. She also cheats when we play uno etc. with her. Secrets and cheating were necessary to live in her house. H’s siblings are fucked up people dipped in chocolate. 1 brother is a sa/ sister is bulimic/ 1 brother is the most messed up psycho I know. His mom tells people he just needs to grow up. He is 45. They all cheated on their spouses and now they will all be divorced. 2 remarried and they are cheating again.

Sorry this is getting long.

SO my therapists opinion is that my h sees me as a nice version of his mother. He has not, does not see me as a wife. That explains the tightly closed eyes when we had sex, barf-ola.
Most women are people pleasers. I am over the top people pleasing. I agree, and I also feel through posts here that is a common trait we share. Look what we have been through and we are still kind, loving, ready to forgive some of the most vile acts I have come to know.
Unconditional forgiveness – like a mother would have?

So going over so many of the things that made me go hmmmm the past 30 years, I believe she is right. Except I am the compliant one, never bossy. He is the king of every situation. How the hell was I his mom? Well, that would be the covert incestual relationship between him and his mom. Double barf-ola. This whole thing makes me sick. I always had to take care of him, but he never really returned the kindness. He had surgery and I took care of all his needs for a month. I had surgery and he went shopping, and probably stopped at home to jerk off to some porn on his way. Mom’s at the hospital, orgy time with a computer screen!

I was on to the idea before about the cover incest. I never considered the fact that he sees me like his mom. ick ick ick ick. When I read some of your posts I am wondering if any of your relationships are in the same boat as mine. They do act like little kids, most of them are stuck at 14 years old emotionally. 14 year olds who think they can date.

When I think if I could ever have a future with him, I don’t believe I will ever be anything more than his pretend mom. What hope is there in that for a normal relationship?

[janet]

Likely none, Heidi. I’m starting to think that mine was the victim of covert incest as well.

[teri]

I know this has been said before…but my 14 year old son is more emotionally mature than my SA. They are more like demented 14 year olds…

I go back and forth on the mothering my husband thing. I find a lot of my friends who have husbands who aren’t sex addicted (as far as they know) feel similarly about their husbands. How much is just how we are socializing our men these days to be incompetent (think of sit-coms and movies- hardly a competent man in the lot) and are SAs any different in that regard?

Lots of people grow up in dysfunctional families and end up not sex addicts, so there must something more to the story. And blaming the mother is such an age-old story, I hate to just jump on that band wagon. Not that it can’t be true sometimes.

But really at the end of the day, my STBX has faked recovery for more than seven years now. That is beyond the scope of any of these discussions. Normal people would not spend that kind of time going to therapy just to lie and manipulate people. I think there is a whole lot more going on than basic family of origin dynamics can explain with my STBX. Just like that stuff won’t explain schizophrenia or other organic disease. That stuff is for “normal” people- the same way marriage and relationship counseling is for normal people. I don’t know it that is true for all SA’s, but I do believe it is for mine.

Of course, no place gives statistics on their recovery rates, so there’s no way to know which models seem to be the most accurate.

[daisy1962]

Honestly Teri, I think yours is a sociopath. I just don’t know how else you can explain some of his behaviors, particularly towards your son. And yes, his behavior is way beyond the scope of discussion on the “garden variety” SA. I think he is just one sick dude with absolutely no ability to relate to normal human emotions.

[nap]

Hi Heidi,
Thank you for sharing with us. I think too when we are married to someone with the emotional age of 12-14, it does become a Parent-Child relationship. We are the parent forever compensating for them because they are not responsible adults. Therefore, it is not a Husband-Wife relationship, which is two mature adults having a marital relationship. I personally think it’s almost impossible to have a successful marriage if we are the Parent (mom) and they are the child. It’s just not something very gratifying and hardly mutual. IMO.
Love ya, Napxo

[teri]

I think it may be more than that for some of us, like you and me, NAP. I think of it as more a doctor or nurse and fucked-up-in-the-head, non-compliant, passive-aggressive, asshole patient.

[nap]

Yes Teri, I think you and I have worn many ‘hats’ with ours. I think there are others too who would ‘qualify’ to be in this elite group. Maybe in other ways however just as FU….

[diane]

Heidi,
It’s good to hear your voice again. I certainly remember the stories of your nutball m-i-l.

Just remember, understanding the origins of his crap doesn’t mean anything if he can’t change or won’t. You are responsible for YOU! Make the best choices you can and don’t get distracted.

hugs to you,
D.

[nap]

Heidi,
I agree with Diane. Keep focusing on YOU like you have been and you’ll continue going forward. We may become sidetracked if we spend all our energy on them and not ourselves. Plus we don’t want to put ourselves at risk again and again of being hurt. Lifes too short.
~Nap

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