- This topic has 10 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Agony posted her first post under another thread (we all do that occasionally), so I have moved her story here.
Please welcome our new Sister.
Hi all,
This is my first post here. I learned about six weeks ago that my husband of 20 years has been addicted to online dating sites for several years (possibly longer, as the story is just beginning to unfold). He swears that there has been no physical contact with other women, but I’m not sure it matters. The deception is what is really rocking my world at the moment. We (I thought) had the most wonderful marriage and family (even a great sex life), so clearly this is not the man I thought I knew.
So, bottom line, I have no idea whether to stay or leave (rather have him stay or leave). I know that it is early, but I’m not sure that I have the energy to walk the long road ahead of us. I’m not interested in seeking another relationship, and could see myself reunited with him after he winds his way through recovery — and I mine — but I’m not sure that I want our children exposed to my daily anger and sadness with him in the house. We’ve held it together quite well for them, but it is a daily chore to do so.
If you have any advice, I would welcome it. I’m told I should take my time. For what it is worth, he is in individual counseling and a 12-step program, and we are in couples counseling (and me in individual therapy). But I can’t get past the fact that this is all because I discovered the SA and he is desperate to hold onto the marriage and family. It would be quite a different story for me if he had confessed and sought my help.
Thanks,
AgonyThanks JoAnn. I guess I got ahead of myself — I really was simply trying to answer the question of should I stay or leave in that other thread, but got carried away!
Not happy to be here, but so glad to have the support.
Not to worry. It’s just that we have soooooo many topics and comments that it just gets confusing to know what we are talking about if we digress.
So glad you are here.
Hi Agony
Thanks for sharing a glimpse your story with us. I really appreciate your concern for what it means to your children to have you angry, and for sadness to hang in the home. It’s so hard to remember that we are teaching them how to deal with trouble while we are in the midst of that same trouble.My SA would not have gone for help without my discovery and refusal to continue in the marriage. I understand how irritating that is on deep levels, but it is also a sign of what is absolutely true for my SA, at least—unless he’s backed into a corner he will not choose truth and wholeness by himself.
Getting to know the traits and signs of how the SA operates is a stinking rotten steep learning curve. It’s info you resent having to know, but also need in order to know what decisions you have to make—like whether its better for the kids to have him away for a while. Maybe you need a therapist for yourself to help you with these important questions. It’s too hard to try and figure it out all by yourself.
I’m really sorry you have this struggle in your life as you try to be a good mother and create boundaries for your safety and openings for healing. May you have the inner strength to trust your instincts.
Welcome and I look forward to hearing more from you and about you.
Light for you.
D.Diane,
What a lovely post, thank you. You are right about the resentment toward having to learn about SA. My instinct has been to try to compartmentalize it in the same way he has compartmentalized his addiction. I do resent being dragged into this world and now having to spend hours each week in therapy (we each have individual therapists, as well as a couples therapist). Regardless of how our marriage turns out, I believe this is all helpful in at least allowing us to remain friends and co-parent well together. Then, of course, there are some days when I think we will remain together forever, as planned.
If you have suggestions for good reads on SA, I welcome them. I saw a few good options in @JoAnn’s list, which I hope to purchase.
Thanks again, and it is great to have found such a supportive place.
Agony
Hi Agony, and welcome.
I love your avatar by the way.Its a tough dilema to stay or go…but there is an inbetween …called controlled seperation. But in making that decision if the day to day living is too tough, it then puts an additional drain and stress to the marriage and the relationship. So they have what is called a healing seperation agreement. There is a book called Should I Stay or Go, Lee Raffel; where she discusses this idea.
I have read that sometimes the most succesful means to get through, especially if additional stress by living together, is to split with seperate residences. This allows him to go through his crap, you to go through yours and if there are slips…whatevers…you will not be dragged through this on a daily basis. this is his battle, not yours.
But many people stay as well. But truely think there is less damage if split. And then after you can come back together if you so choose. But this type of arrangmenet only works if both are committed. There are even written agreements if you so choose. one is called a healing seperation agreement.
Just putting it out there. This is a time for us to heal and recover as well. Just remember that. Decisions made need to be addressed in what is the best for us and our needs (family, kids) than what is best for the SA.
Love, Flora
Hi Agony,
Welcome, I’m sorry you share the need to be here, but I’m glad you found us. You’re not alone.
My husband wouldn’t have been diagnosed SA either if I hadn’t of walked through the door with a handful of apartment brochures – he didn’t think he had a problem and thought he could stop on his own and tried unsuccessfully the first time around. After his first slip, he made an appointment with a CSAT and began his SAA meetings and has been sober for seven months. He credits his sobriety to Candeo online. There’s also a free online class called Recovery Nation online.
My favorite book is “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse; How Partners Can Cope and Heal” – Barbara Steffans – it rocks!! It really focuses on the PTSD part of things which is where I struggled for a long time because I was having problems sleeping and focusing and things like that. I was beginning to wonder what he was doing on the computer and driving myself crazy with wonder and doubt. It was a difficult place for me to be for a while.
Just make sure you take good care of you!
Hugs, from another newbie =)
welcome you have landed in a great place,hell even better than great. sorry you are here but glad you are. these ladies have at times held me up, kicked me in the ass- ever so gently and i know they all are with me at the darkest times. we laugh,cry,scream together,you are not ever going to feel alone again. i promise you that
much love kattWelcome Agony,
Sorry for your situation with your SA husband. I think you are wise to ask questions because then we learn. The more we know the more we can make a good choice for our own lives. Probably key though, based on my own experience and opinion, is we really need to know ourselves and have a good understanding of what we want, need, and won’t tolerate. Diane shared that in her post and it’s so true. I think when we (or the SA) compartmentalizes, it’s a way to avoid having to deal with it or even also a way to cope with the fact we are doing or allowing something so damaging into our lives. Some of us, including myself, are so starved we are willing to eat rotten meat. It’s when we realize we can feed ourselves, and won’t starve, the rotten meat is no longer acceptable and actually repulsive, as it should be.
Much love sister Agony,
Love NapWelcome Agony,
I can so relate to many aspects of your story. I feel like I could have written your post. For me, I am taking my time with the decision. If nothing else, I need for my emotions to level out so that when I make a decision, it is with clarity and peace.
I’m so glad you found us. This site and these ladies have become a huge part of my healing. There is also a wealth of intelligence and good information here. Some days, it’s been been the only thread I have to hold onto.
Much love and support to you,
ZumbagirlWelcome Agony,
Your name is so fitting for what we all go through. Like our other sisters, I am so sorry you have to join us here, but we are so glad you are now one of our sisters!
I too was married 20 years when the D-days starting coming. I cry daily and suffer from severe PTSD. JoAnn and the SOS sisters are invaluable to me! JoAnn has helped so many of us by creating this site!!! I am forever grateful.
Prior to finding JoAnn’s site, I attended meetings that labeled me as an addict also. As soon as I entered the door with my trauma and immense pain from my husband’s 20 years of deceit, lying and sexual immorality-I suddenly had an addiction-codependency I guess. Well, I have looked into codependency for years, have all the books, and all I know is that PTSD and codependency are not the same. I find 3 approaches to the problems our husbands brought into our lives out there…
1. Forgive and forget in four seconds!
2. YOU are codependent!!!
3. Your husband betrayed you deeply-you are totally traumatized and you both need help…him for all his stuff and you for healing your now shattered life, and the both of you for your marriage.I choose number 3! I know that is my situation (not saying I have no codependent traits or areas to work on).
So happy to have met you Agony. Hugs, B. Trayed
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.