Welcome Our New Sister ReadyToLiveAgain

Hi RtoLA,
Thank you for joining in. I also lurked on the Married site for quite a while before I ever posted. I was terrified of being exposed. Nutty stuff.
I’m sorry you ended up here because of the pain you’ve already experienced, but I know there are a lot of wise women here who are trying a lot of different things to put their lives back together–some with their partners and some on their own. Some of us tried to make it work but finally had to bow out of the relationship. There’s lot of variety and different stages present here. I hope you will soon feel the support of these wonderful, funny, smart, and charming women. (hey, I guess I’m including myself!)
Diane.

Hi Ready to Live Again, (love the name!)

I’m so happy you found us! This is a great group of women you found – they are all so very strong. I’m pretty new here to. So, sit back, get comfy and chime in when you’re ready 🙂

Hugs,
SS

Hi, all! Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I’m so sorry we’re meeting under such horrible circumstances, too, but look forward to supporting and being supported here. I’ll post more about me as I find my way around (I guess under “Stories”???) but to answer B. Trayed’s question, I am in SC and while I would love to meet all of you in Indiana next weekend, with a 9 year old and limited finances I cannot see taking that long of a drive right now. Perhaps Skype would work!

quick facts about me: I am still living with my SA. (I started to use the old DH and decided that was no longer how I wanted to be connected to him.) We will have been married for 15 years in November. We have a 9 yo DD, who is the light of my life. I discovered his extensive magazine and VHS collection right after we married and he threw it all away, went to counseling, and declared it was all over. Little did I know.

After the birth of our DD, I quit my job to become a stay at home mom. Our sex life, for many reasons, became nonexistent. And truthfully, I knew he had to have some sort of outlet, but I really didn’t think a lot about it or care.

Until I found a message on the phone I pay for (the one he carries around… the one I’m *supposed* to know about) that read “my text phone is down. try tom. Kisses.”

And that fateful day a month ago led to the rest of the discovery: a secret reloadable cell phone, a portable DVD player that he keeps in his car, over 200 porn DVDs, and texts and pictures sent from a woman that works at the bank on the same block as his work.

I have NOT confronted him about this, as without his salary, I have no funds. I have spent the last month trying to put together money to leave. I have an appointment next Tuesday with an attorney. I don’t even have enough money to pay her retainer yet, but I know I need legal advice. (I believe he may be stealing from his work and need to make sure I will not be held complicit if I don’t go forward immediately.)

And I need to make sure I am doing all I can to take care of my DD. So, for her sake, I will suck up and kiss ass and hold the peace so that I can save money and pack secretly and save more money and sell off items secretly and save still more money.

I have safe places to go if I need to leave immediately, although I don’t think he would physically harm either of us. He’s never hit (or hinted that he would hit) her or me.

But, I’ve never thought he was this sick. I never imagined what had been right under my nose all this time. I am still very much angry and disallusioned by what has unfolded recently.

I will not stay any longer than I have to. Certainly I expect some support from him, child support and perhaps even spousal support since I gave up my career for him (early in our marriage) and our DD (later in our marriage), but if he really is stealing from his work, he won’t have a job for very long… and there goes my support. So, i have to tread carefully, save where I can, and figure out how to support DD and me without his income.

So I am truly Ready To Live Again. I look forward to finding my own strength and showing my DD how much a woman can accomplish when she sets her mind to it. I want to be a good role model for her. And it starts with this decision, to not take less than what I deserve from my marriage. Because that’s exactly what I want for her. And dammit, I’d be so angry with her if she stayed in a loveless, sacrificial marriage—so I have to leave… because I would want her to also.

Okay, that wasn’t short, but at least you know some more about me and how I fit into this sisterhood. Again, thanks for the warm welcome. I’m so happy to have found you!!
Paula

Paula,
You are one strong woman, and an amazing role model for your daughter. I had nowhere near your insight right after my discoveries. You go, girl!!!
xoxo Julie

Hmmmmm…… Conniving, vengeful, exacting and determined…..

Paula, you are my kind of girl!! You and I are a little different from the rest with the fact that we both had a D day and then kept to ourselves until we had our ducks in a row! VERY hard to do, especially when all you can think of is wringing his neck and spitting in his face!! 

Be sure to have stress releases and by all means, use this site as one of your outlets! I do on a daily basis!! That is way too much information to keep bottled up inside!! 

I’m so proud of you!! Hang in there and get your dirty work done so you can set yourself free!! XO!!! 

Hi Ready,

A warm welcome to the sisterhood. I gather that DD stands for developmentally disabled? I have a son with high functioning autism who’s 16 and another with AD/HD who’s 21. BTW, its extremely common for there to be children with neurological differences if one or both parents are addicts.

My story is a lot like yours in many ways. They often get caught at some point and claim to have “stopped.” not. We trust. We find out more, days, months, years, decades later and we are sent into a tail spin the likes I have never ever experienced. I was already on here… long story, (husband suggested I date, and I became involved with a hideous SA which left me devastated, as well) so my D-DAY actually unfolded ONLINE. I am planning on divorcing my husband because I cannot see spending the next whatever years with him. Our finances are shit which is one of the primary factors in my leaving him. It was that his sexual NEEDS to took number priority over supporting his family. Actually, I did support the family, entirely for 2.5 years. I thought he was helping me, but no… he was helping himself.

loser.

Oh, and never apologize for something being “too long.” There is no such thing. It is as long as it needs to be.

until you have said everything that you need to say.

my best and love,

Lexie

Thanks for the continued welcomes. I’m trying to find the time to write up my entire story… hehehe…. it might take a few days. With constant company around, I don’t have a lot of privacy on the weekends.

DD does equal Darling Daughter. Thanks ZG for that help. And, certainly, I won’t be using DH for my soon-to-be Ex. Not ever again. Ugh.

I am not sure I mentioned this earlier, but I am meeting with an attorney Tuesday and am frantically reading everything here that I can find on divorce: settlements, financial arrangements, custody battles…. I have read through the posts on the Divorce Forum and am devouring all of the other forums too, hoping to glean information that will help me in this battle. I did confirm with a friend who recently used the same attorney that she (the attorney) is indeed ruthless and bloodthirsty, as someone here suggested. However, I do live in SC, where everything is done the GOB (Good Ol’ Boy) way, so I don’t expect to be able to get full custody or keep him from having visitation. Unless I blackmail him and keep his dirty secrets from being aired. Hmmmm….

Does anyone have any advice about successfully using blackmail? I’m sure my attorney will have an opinion, but would love any advice you might have.

I’m also voraciously searching the internet for any kind of “schedule” (bad word but I can’t think of a better one) of escalation and how his age + stress + other addictions might play into each other.

He is addicted to tobacco. He’ll be 49 this year and has been using since middle school. He is a recovering alcoholic (who hated AA, BTW, and stopped after only a few months.) He has been sober for 17 years. He did go to a therapist 14 years ago when I first discovered his porn, but never to my knowledge did any of the steps I’ve read about your SAs doing. Of course, back then, SA wasn’t really talked about or even truly acknowledged. So his SA has really not ever been addressed adequately nor treated successfully, obviously!

Is there a connection with all of these that has led to his current secret phone/affair and porn stash?

Are there any statistics about the multitude of addictions connecting and thriving on each other?

Will he escalate further without intervention?

Is my daughter in danger?

Oh, I should mention the porn he has now is all DVDs and a few (12 or so, that I’ve found) magazines. He doesn’t have access to a computer. So all of this has been purchased!! UGH. No wonder we’re in the dire financial straits we’re in.

And the porn isn’t just normal, nubile women porn. There’s older women porn. 40something, 50something, 60something porn. And, yes, I am 40something…. but ….

And there’s some “Barely Legal” porn. Not as much as the older women, but some.

So, is that indicative of an escalation? Does that mean he’ll move to child porn? Abuse? Again, worried about my daughter and trying to think of every angle I can to keep him away from her. Forever. Because I know if he so much as thought of her in *that* way, I’d kill him. And then she would have lost both parents to this addiction, and that would be very horrible indeed.

So very tired of him, so very ready to be rid of him. And so worried for my DD, who like all of us and our children, deserves NONE of this crap. 🙁

Dear Ready, 

I might be able to help you with the blackmail thing. I wouldn’t use that word with your attorney tho, unless she says it first. It might make her nervous because, well, it IS illegal but there are subtle ways around it! 

I don’t want to bore the ladies that have heard my tactics a thousand times, but if you want to message me your number, I can call you to discuss in the next couple of days before your appt. If you give me your cell number, let me know if you text. That way, I can check first and be sure it’s a good time to call!! 

Always willing to help a sister!! 

Love, 

Patty

Welcome Paula. You have sprinted past most women who would have so recently found themselves in your predicament! Please take time and care to nurture yourself and tend to your wounds, as well.

It is not a coincidence that your h gave up on aa and ended up with a different drug of choice. Mine can’t really bear to look at the family of origin issues that helped get him here, and has now acknowledged that he is really struggling with a new found love of tequila. Great.

Of course you are joking, Karen. Ummm, which countries were you joking about?? 😉

Thank you for your concern. I’m doing alright, but I am moving into my mothers house for the next week (she’s in skilled nursing recovering from surgery) so that I can get some distance and really consider which direction to go. Its so complicated because I have worked for his family since I was 22 (30 yrs) and have no money of my own and he doesn’t have anything in his name. I don’t want that to be a factor but it’s the reality.

You know, he attempted to inject drinking into this before but I pointed out that he wasn’t drunk when he got into his car and went to womens’ homes or motels. Maybe he drank before they had sex, but he was going to with or without the stupid drink. Puleeze. No excuses. He seems to be determined to nip this tequila thing in the bud. We’ll see…
Hope you are doing well? L

By the way, thanks L, L, or L (whatever your name is!!) I’ll be sure to educate you plenty over the wknd!! 🙂
And your husband is an idiot -(NEWSFLASH) –

You’re hot and you know you’re hot!!! Lol! (Private joke with me and Zgirl) – fill ya in later!! 

Thanks for your vote of confidence, Karen. Lord knows I should be the expert on BM by NOW!! I have held my tongue long enough around this house!  But it shall be forthcoming VERRRY soon, as negotiations are starting! 🙂

Lylo,  I think the little getaway is a great idea!! Please post often if you are able to, so maybe we can help you in some way!! 

I hope your Mom is doing ok and will be on the mend quickly!! Thinking of you often….. 

SL

Ha! Ha! Lylo, 

Funny you should mention that. I would love to write a book and am trying to enlist some other sisters in joining me. Together, I think we could make a huge impact- to raise awareness and to help us in our healing. I haven’t given up! Just trying to get through this nightmare first! Ugh! It’s about to peak and then the wind down.. (I can’t wait)! 
So glad to have you back on and really happy to hear your Mom sounds like a strong lady! Hang in there!!! XO!!