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We have a new Sister. Her name is Bonnie and she says in her profile that she is ‘Hurt and looking for support, insight or advice from others in similar situations. Husbands behavior escalated from online/phone sex to meeting and having sex with 7 women over a four week separation, due to discovery of yet another relapse.’
Welcome Bonnie. You are safe here to share whatever is on your mind. Take your time to browse through the topics and comments and don’t be shy about jumping right in with your own comment, start a topic or join a chat.
We are all here for you. ~ JoAnn
Hi Bonnie,
It’s a step in the right direction for you to seek out conversation and sharing. It has really helped me to learn that I am not alone in what my SA did and how it affected me. I’m really sorry you need to be here, but I know you will find information, sharing, questions, challenges, support and even a few laughs along the way. Lots of opinion, for sure, and room for yours too.lots of Light for you,
Diane.Hi Bonnie,
Welcome, sorry for your need for support, I know you will find it here though. These ladies on this site are wonderful.
Cindy
Hi Bonnie,
Welcome! Glad you found this site. The sisters here are wonderful and supportive. There are views from different stages on the recovery cycle, all so kind in sharing their stories and advice. I hope you find comfort here.
Thank you everyone. I spent a little time on the site last night and found it to be very helpful and supportive. It is a comfort to hear people express the same things I have been feeling. Somehow it is like a mini sanity check.
Im not sure how my situation will turn out and realize that I am really shell shocked. I still love my husband, but know that this is not the life I signed up or–not what I want. I have already had 4 rounds of discovery and am asking myself if I am plain stupid. I am responsible for allowing all of this to take a huge toll on my self esteem as a WOMAN. I feel hideous, fat, old, rejected…I am trying to recover my former sense of self.
My husband on several occaisions has said to me “I am not responsible for how you feel about yourself.” or “I cant make you feel sexy.” and while there is some truth in that (and I think my overall sense of self is in tact), when it comes to how I feel about myself as a sexual being, I dont think that arises in a vacuum. And I dont think I can just feel sexy again in this relationship without a different kind of feedback and interaction from him. Unless of course–like him I sought validation outside of the relationship. But I am too healthy to want to engage in unhealthy crap to create a false sense of excitement, acceptance or gratification…ugh. Can hear the resentment/pain creeping in?
Anyway I just want to say thank you to all of you for being there for each other, and now for me.Welcome bonnieb, so sorry for the pain you’re suffering. Your feelings about this are completely valid so don’t second guess yourself or blame yourself one iota. Take care of yourself, Love, Liza
Amen Liza!
Bonnieb, Your SA IS responsible for the consequences of his behaviour. And behaviour that is demeaning, insulting, hurtful, unfaithful and emotionally abusive to you has emotional consequences. It does emotional damage to you. Just because you can’t see the bruises, doesn’t mean he didn’t beat you up emotionally.
It is up to you how you deal with this kind of relationship. If by telling you its your responsibility to feel good about yourself, and that he’s not going change his behaviour, that he’s reserving the right to conintue to beat you up emotionally through his acting out, then the only thing you can do is step away. And believe me, we understand that challenge for you. I loved my husband desperately. But he couldn’t stop doing it to me. I had to step away.I hope you don’t buy his horse hockey. And I understand how you feel old and fat and ugly. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I was just so worn down, so unhappy, and that’s all I could see. But you can get your own sense of beauty back, and we’re going to help you do that.
big hug,
D.Bonnie,
Welcome to SOS. I’m sorry for all the suffering your h has caused you. I hope you will find love, support, and understanding here. I think your last post reads you have your head in the right place. That’s is Sooo important.Love, Nap
My sah seems to want to change. He is in therapy and we are going to start couples counselling after the holidays. He claims to not want to do these behaviors and i do believe he is not actively engaged in them now. But his low self esteem seem to prevent him from being able to take full responsibility for his actions and dishonesty. (not to mention the whole “codependent” load of crap).
He has had long periods of not engaging in those behaviors and we have had counselling in the past. The agreement was always that he would be honest if he started or was tempted to start again, but instead he always just lied and went back to them escalating each time.
I think I have always been too easy on him, too understanding of his problem and havent expected enough from him. The truth is that when i am in pain and in the moments that i most need tenderness from him, his guilt actually makes him cruel and callous. I want to believe in his goodness and love, but the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde routine makes it tough.
He meditates everyday and makes the motions of a spiritual person, so i have trusted that he is in a struggle, but sometimes i think he is a self indulgent pig and i am an idiot….
Do these guys ever just stop?!Dear Bonnie,
First of all a very warm welcome to SOS. We are an eclectic bunch with a strong common bond. I know you will find comfort here, have your ideas challenged, cry for the pain you read about, laugh out loud, get mad and feel so much less alone.So to get to your last question…..They stop when YOU stop them and not a second before?? No, we don’t have a miracle cure to control his lying and cheating BUT we have a few good tips on how to protect yourself emotionally and how to separate the sincere from the bullshit. So again, welcome! Karen xx
Welcome, Bonnie. So glad you found this site, but so sorry that you have to be here. Where you said
“The truth is that when i am in pain and in the moments that i most need tenderness from him, his guilt actually makes him cruel and callous. I want to believe in his goodness and love, but the Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde routine makes it tough,”
you just summed up how crazy-making the aftermath of discovery is for us. When I found this site, I was amazed at the similar experiences we go through after finding out about our husbands’ secret lives. And also when you said, ‘makes the motions of a spiritual person,’ that rings so familiar as well. The personality disorders that led to them acting out seem to be riddled with fear of emotional intimacy, and a disconnect from their own emotions, so sometimes it feels like watching a stage play. As trite as the expression ‘need to get in touch with their feelings’ is, I think it really applies to these guys. And you’re so right that guilt is what makes them self-protect and turn robotic and chilly on us. Though I guess it’s more shame than guilt. I’ve read that when they cloak themselves in shame, they’re focusing inward on themselves which just perpetuates the cycle, but when they move over to guilt, it’s a healthier direction because it’s focused outward and then becomes more focused on making real amends and on feeling empathy. Hang in there, honey. You are so not alone in what you’re going through.
Love,
Annie xoxoThank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Distinguishing the sincere from the bullshit seems to one of my main challenges right now. That, and being gentle with myself.
I dont relish others pain or believe that misery loves company, but i am so grateful to have found all of you and am so comforted to feel the initmate understanding and empathy. Thank you all!……..My husband on several occaisions has said to me “I am not responsible for how you feel about yourself.” or “I cant make you feel sexy………
OMG, this is exactly what my husband would say to me. It is one of his many “robotic” or “canned” things that he says. I feel like he learned this is his therapy. Another one is :
“I am sorry you feel that way”
“You need to take responsibility for your part”
“I am not responsible for your feelings”blah, blah, blah blahblah blah blah!!!!!
Really? I am not responsible for alot of things, but that does not mean I don’t FEEL!!! And guess what? I CARE too. I care about how a person is feeling. I care whether or not I contributed to those feelings. If my actions caused someone to feel bad, intentional or not intentional, I am not going to respond in anger to their feelings.
OK, I am in a rant again………….
Bonnie, I feel like you have have wisdom and understand what we are going through. Looking forward to getting to know you better.
Hugs {{{{{{{}}}}}}}Welcome Bonnieb!
As Cindy knows, I’ve heard a lot of these same recitations! That’s been one of the amazing things about SOS–learning that we are not alone, and that even with different stories, there are so many similarities. Being aware of all of this has helped me breathe easier, even in the midst of this nightmare.
A big welcome to you. As we say, we are sorry you are in a situation where you need this support, but we are glad to have you.
Love and hugs,
JulieBonnie,
I’m late coming in to the welcoming committee. Had a hectic weekend.Misery does love company… true. But more so, being among others who know how you feel and CARE how you feel is uplifting.
Hugs, Kim
Hi Bonnie,
I was sure that i had said “hello,” but it seems that I’ve been busy decorating the first Christmas Tree I’ve had in 27 years!
I am Jewish, but soooooooooo? Its a friggin tree, for God’s sake!!! i’m not putting a creche underneath it! LOL
Your husband sounds pretty typical. And the typical SA is generally pretty narcissistic and many have the full blown NPD. When you say, “he makes the motions of being a spiritual person…,” I just sat here rolling my eyes.
This is so, so telling… You see, a narc WILL go through the motions of most things, but… there’s something that’s a bit off, right? His emotional response seems just slightly off, deadened, if not down right phony! That’s because it is!
Somewhere in his early development, part of his brain did not develop along with the rest of him. He lacks empathy and he truly does not feel like you and I and most people feel, but he has learned to put on a great show. I have likened these characters to a card board cut out of a man.
Or how can you tell a blind man the difference between red and green. If he’s never seen it, he will never fully grasp the difference. Your husband learned that he needs to be nice to get what he wants and to lie when he doesn’t want to get into trouble, and truly, he cannot tell the difference. He thinks that he IS being nice by lying, so as not to hurt you!When you discover the truth and lay into him, he’s suddenly struck with a situation that has no script. Why he never read about this in a book or saw it in a movie, or if he did, he didn’t think that it applied to him.
He most likely has diagnosed or undiagnosed ADD or ADHD which is very common in SAs with poor self-esteem. I have a son with severe ADHD and another one with high functioning autism. The older one got on meds when he was FIVE. and thank God!!!!!!!! It is unlikely, if your h has ADD that he was ever treated for it, and if he wasn’t, then it is extremely likely that he was constantly getting into trouble, being berated, and feeling like a POS… what he developed were coping mechanisms…
So, he knows that he has to stop! He sees your pain, but he cannot feel it, and he cannot believe that he could be the cause of it, because he was trying to PROTECT you!
yes, yes… I know honey… its bassackwards, but this is how he thinks.
So, then, the 64,000 dollar question.
Can he stop?
Isn’t this the question on all of our weary, worried (wanton–well many of us are)) 😉 lips?
And the question needs to be expanded to can he stop acting out, without being a personality disordered asshole?
I believe that many can and do stop acting out, however, like your love relationship, they can’t sustain it. Eventually, something will happen, that will cause them to say “fuck it.” and off the wagon they go. Some call it a “slip.”
Some, haven’t really “slipped,” because they never fucking stopped (fucking!).
And some do stop acting out, but become IMPOSSIBLE to live with. This is known in addiction as a “dry drunk.”
Sex addiction is a lot different from other addictions, because a person is not expected to give it up, entirely.
Lastly, the consensus of the sister-hood is that UNTIL, an addict is in a healthy state of recovery. (IF, he can even get there, at all and some do, DO this!), then couples counseling is going to prove to be a futile exercise, guaranteed to only make things worse for you. He will attempt to use any issues that you two have (and ALL couples have some issues), as an excuse and try to say that you are part of the problem. If the therapist is not sufficiently skilled and knowledgeable on the real deal (and again, we have discovered that many are not), then the possible outcome is going to only cause more pain and devastation.
While I do believe that everyone needs to work on themselves, and certainly, its good for all to work on marital issues, a SA who’s been leading such a dysfunctional life for so long, with an ingrained personality disorder (that’s next to impossible to change) is not going to work.
You are not responsible for him betraying you, and then lying to cover it up. beginning. middle. end.
BTW, I DOOOOOOOO feel SEXXXXXXXXY. I do long to have a man make love to me. But… with a man who truly DOES love me, and wants me. I believe that a man needs to be in the driver’s seat here. Did you propose marriage to your husband? same thing. Men need to romance, seduce and go after their wives. Why if he put even one half of the energy into your marriage that he does into his acting out, we would not be having this conversation!
He’ is living on another planet, (but he doesn’t even know it) and you are here on earth, so if he can manage to get himself back here… then fine, otherwise, take the money and go to a spa instead.
Well… that’s my 3 cents on this bright, beautiful, sunny day in New York!
Again, a warm welcome to our sisterhood!
Love,
Lexie (Laurel)
Ok Lexie,
That explanation was like no other I have read. It was dead on and I am just over here going, YES, YES, YES, that is it in a nut shell. You have gone over the top with this one. This is it, this is the whole thing. You need to send this explanation around the world. Send it to every thereapist, and OMG, whoa,…….. yes, this is a perfect description.Hi Bonnieb
I am fairly new kid on the block, you will always find what you need for the day!
Sorry you’re here but glad you found you way x
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