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I am in the twilight zone. I am in the weirdest place rightt i now. I have delivered my wish list that is supposedly going to the attorny by Friday to start the filing process.
I can’t get my ahead around it. that i am going to be divorced and moving out. I stayed home from work today. daughter had flu. but i needed mental health. got real anxious after I made list. got sad.
home life is ok. He acts as business as usual. all about him, blah blah blah. i am going to di this home improvement and that. la la la I am so great.
he has NO clue, that I could give a rats ass what he does to the home. or what goes on in his life. He actually thinks I might enjoy a conversation with him.
Oh. it is like a slow death. I am being so boring. I mean one word answers. nodding. saying absolutely nothing new. this is actually recommended when leaving a BPD. Bore them. do not engage the missiles they launch. say nothing. if need be. they eventually go away.
ugh. anyway. i am rambling. but I am in the weirdest head space about the whole moving on thing.
any one relate? recall that transistion time?
i feel ok now. but i have moments of despair.
You are brave Pam. Thinking of you and wishing you the strength and good things you deserve. Im happy that you are taking back control and taking care of what you need. Thanks for being inspiring. Xoxo
No I can’t really, but I did move away for a few months and I know that actually living separately will change the dynamics and drive the reality home for both of you. A guy friend of mine told me that during the transition he went through hellish nights and walked around the neighborhood at 2am cuz he was coming out of his skin, but it your equilibrium does return. Beware of the night. Everything is worse. XX
Hang in there Pam. The night is darkest before the dawn, as they say. Thinking of you and sending you strength for the days ahead. Love, Liza
Pam, you are a beautiful, strong and smart woman, i can see all that through your posts, your heart, mind, and soul have been traumatized in big way , you have to go through the different stages of healing, and that is why you are in the twilight zone, but soon you will emerge into the true daylight, into the sun, so hang in there, pray, exercise, love your daughter and yourself more and more for the wonderful person you are
Hi Pam,
I can totally relate to the twilight zone. I was definitely THERE. It is so surreal to even fathom leaving your home, your security, your comfort zone- regardless of how fucked up that zone may be! The twilight zone is still a better place to be!! Trust me. Keep moving forward…one little or big baby step at a time….it is for the best and yes, I know it is hard! It is extremely hard. Most (if not all) of us do not/did not want to do it. We loved our husbands (even if the love was for someone who never even existed at all which makes it worse!) But you are never gonna get out of this nightmare until you take yourself there! Now GIT!! 🙂
My husband couldn’t WAIT to start home renovations….and did so while I was still there. What a jack ass. The first thing he did was tear down Sam’s room (my son, his stepson whom never really got along) and the second Sam went back to college, SA had wall paper stripped, started painting, new ceiling fan, light fixtures, etc. He wanted to make sure that Sam didn’t have a room to come back to – not that Sam planned on stepping foot back in the house (that he grew up in for 17 years). By then, he was ready to kill SA AND RIGHTFULLY SO. Kinda wish he would have, lol, not really, cause jail is not worth it – another reason you need to get out? Remember Lexie’s story!? She came so close to going to jail. I could have that one night I flipped out and turned into Carrie- when my head started spinning around, lol! (not funny then- but kinda now). He told his lawyer I was threatening his well being and wanted that put in the divorce papers. Whatever dude. You’re lucky I didn’t chop off your damn dick. Ugh….
And remember Pam- all summer Last year- I sat on my patio and could NOT get up!! You may have been taking your break from SOS back then….but I spent the whole summer frozen on my patio- knowing what I HAD to do, but in the twilight zone about doing it. I didn’t mean to make this about ME, I just wanted you to know that I DO get it and yes, it is so hard and sucks so much and you try to think of every way around it- but it is a problem that will not go away, unfortunately. Only YOU, can fix this Pam. For you and for her. Keep going! You are doing the right thing! Get on antidepressants if you aren’t already. That will help! We are here for you! Keep going! XO!
SL.
I love you. I just really do. I t means so much for someoene who has been there and done that to share. and I want to hear about you and your experience because that helps me.
You know, the twilight zone is better. and yes I am moving forward. My own father– who took a reverse mortgage on his own house to supply down payment for our home– says GO. Forget about the money. Get rid of him. I love that man, my Dad that is.
I relate to your porch story. I think once I move out I may sit in stupor– drooling for awhile. blub blub blub and muttering. stupified. LOL.
I am setting some short term goals.
1. Get the damn filing process underway. If not completed by Friday. I will pick up ball on monday w/attorney of my choice.
2. excute my exit plan as we have agreed. we have solid plan over next few months — but if he acts up, i will borrow money from boss and just go. trying to execute organically to keep hostilities down. (H is a business man. he loves money more than anything. one wrong move and I can liquidate house and business. He’s not so F’cked up that he will risk it. It is the one ace in hole that I have)
3. I want to get social NOW. Joint some over 40, going out social groups. meet people. coffee dates perhaps. I need something that makes me feel good. so yes I will file in house. and have casual friendly dates. while I transition. I want to keep my view of men positive. and i am not going to jump into anything. i know i am vulnerable. but I think some male company, or friendship would be really good for me right now. and i want to pursuit it. othersise I too may be “carrie” and be “SWF”. I need a breath of fresh air. see that they are not all crazyPam – I love your plan!! I’m right behind you sister. We can babble on the porch together. At least the weather is about to get nicer. Keep us updated on your check list – you are my inspiration.
Pam, I think just the fact that you are thinking about being social and joining things is such a good sign. I think it’s huge actually. It may not feel that way to you, but it sounds incredibly healthy to me, because right now I’m still completely isolating and don’t even feel like leaving my house, even though it’s been seven months. I really think you are going to be fine.. more than fine. xoxo
HI Pam,
you have company. I’m supposed to joint file on Friday. We tried a few months ago, but ended up in an administrative tangle that we had to untangle.
It is very hard still, to even think about it, but I just keep reminding myself of the things he did to me without ever skipping a beat, and how he has pursued his recovery as a path to blaming me. But I hate it still. I hate it all. Everything I’ve had to do and everything I still have to do. I hate it all. But I know I won’t get out of this mess, until I get MYSELF out of this mess.
love to all,
D.Pam-We are right there together. I have just detached! We get along okay when Steve isn’t in one of his anger/control/lieing modes. I don’t feed into it anymore-really don’t give a rats ass. I am to the point now (finally) that he is what he is and although I still love him, I can’t even fathom living on the edge all the time.
We are both doing the right thing, so hang in there girl, and I will too. We will be all the stronger after this is all over.
Love to you,
SharronThanks sisters. Screw these jackasses. And their dumbass recovery.
I will be recovering my fine hot self on the dance floor.
I miss dancing. I miss going out. I miss having friends. I miss having a drink or two (2 at most) in a social setting. I miss skiing. (have not done so since married. H does not ski). I miss being silly. I miss being fearless. I miss having my own dreams and talents to celebrate/pursuit. I miss having my own damn money! I miss managing my own damn money! I miss being able to make important decisions in life. I miss taking a decorative home idea and running with it. I miss painting. I miss writing. I miss music. I miss sex. i miss me.Dear Pam,
I was just going to say that…it sounds like you miss YOU and YOU sounds pretty darn good to me. You are SO too good for him and I know when this is behind you there will be wondeful gifts in your future. The gift of ourselves is never to be underestimated. Sending you strenght, hope, and fortitude. Love Karen x
Hi Ladies!!
I just found this post as I have been in the holler for almost a week! 🙂
I cried through this entire post – but mostly happy tears!! Diane’s comment made me a little sad, because I feel her pain, but overall I am sooooo excited for each of you!!!
Go Pam…. Go Diane……. Go Sharron!!
Annie and Karen – you’re next!!!!! 🙂
PS- I emailed JoAnn pics of my patio, LOL!!! I thought maybe they would be an inspiration, if I can get her to post them!!! 🙂
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