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So many times, I hear some partners of SAs say things like:
1) but he can be so kind and gentle, and he’s a good provider and a great father… How could I DO that to my children? (leave my spouse)
2) we have so much HISTORY together and I’m afraid of letting it go. I mean, who else, can read my thoughts and finish all of my sentences?
3) I won’t be able to cope
4) I’ll die of loneliness
5) my life will be too difficult
6) he’s really trying. I can see that despite that slip last
week where he confessed to making out with a co-worker on his lunch break, he is really “working” his program and is committed to making our marriage work.7) I won’t be able to walk around in my small community because everyone is so judgmental and won’t understand what’s really going on.
These are just some of the things, that I and other women have told ourselves… and IMO; are no different than the lies and half-truths spoken by our sex addicts. I believe that we often lie to ourselves too.
The epiphany is not really anything new, but it crystalized for me recently. And its the core idea that our man, while not “perfect” has so many, many good qualities and lets just focus on those, and “work on” the rest, and hopefully, he’ll get “better” in time.
No one is all good or all bad. I have heard that Hitler could be an extremely charming man— when he wanted to be.
I have heard some women bloggers who’s husbands are obviously not in recovery, comment on how “hard” they are “trying.” And yet, he “slipped” last week, and oh, he “slipped” two months earlier, but she loves him so and has so much faith that God will bring back the light into his soul.
nice fantasy.
She doesn’t see the truth, because she’s not ready to face it. And maybe she can’t face it, because she has certain core beliefs that are also not grounded in reality.
What are some of the things that you have told yourself that kept you stuck in a bad relationship? And for those, who have left their relationships, did any of those fears become a reality? Was the outcome better or worse than you had feared?
Lexie,
I loved your post. Just wanted you to know it was awesome. I am to tired to comment, but I sure enjoyed reading it.
Hope your doing as good as can be expected with all of this BS we are going through.
{{{{{{}}}}}}}Great post, Lexie. I woke up this morning telling myself some of those lies, especially the one you said about the history. I still don’t know how to get past any of this. I woke up thinking I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, that nobody else would want me. That even if by some remote chance somebody did want me, that I am too old and too exhausted to start over again. Right now that doesn’t feel like a lie. I hope in time it starts to feel like one.
xoxo1. No else will want me.
So I’ll stay with someone who treats me like shit?
We need to want ourselves first. If we want ourselves, we step away from those who will destroy us.2. My personal rabbit hole—“I want to be fair and give him a chance”
translation: I need more time to process what the bastard did.Right now –
It’s the holidays, and the suicide rate for young boys who lost their fathers at holiday time is increased by 27%
Suicide rate for fatherless boys is 30% higher than for ones with both parents living at home
Suicide is now consistently among the top reasons for fatalities among teenage boys and girls. My 10yo son has already lost his biological father, partly due to SA, and the loss has scarred him forever. He now calls SAH “Dad” and he loves my SAH with all he’s got, SAH is his answer to prayer, and he tells me that every day and says it in prayers every night
My father’s sister has lost one teenage son of 3 to suicide. My mother’s sister lost one teenage son of 4 to suicide. My son’s dad repeatedly threatened suicide and was put on watch in a hospital three times since we left him.
Wait, these are supposed to be lies. My lie – if I leave, I’m setting my son up to be the suicide in our family. He’s my only son.
Oh Lynn,
I can certainly see how that’s a rational fear to have due to these many horrific tragedies in your family. I am so sorry for your losses!
My first thought was this:
What if staying with your h was the cause of your son’s (GOD FORBID!!!) suicide if he were to discover (very likely too!) the hideous truth about the “answer to his prayer?”
This diseased man needs to be exposed and your son, protected!
The one who’s being protected, right now, appears to be your h. I forgot how old your son is, but I believe that children, old enough to know… should definitely know the truth!
Also were the factors in those suicides? Were those children bullied, teased, looked down upon?
The other thing is… You can leave this marriage and your ex-husband can STILL play a part in your son’s life– OR, not, but he needs to know that he is loved and protected.
We cannot know what the future will bring and we cannot protect our children from all hurt and pain and suffering. The best we can do, is help them through it and teach them healthy coping skills.
Both of my children, have talk therapists. Quite frankly, I believe that most children– at least adolescents would benefit from this. Its a confusing time. Especially, in this day and age.
xo
Yes, I have thought that H plays a factor either way.
Counselors: my son had counselors for two years after I broke from his biological father to help deal with the trauma.
Telling: I have told son about the situation, in his 10yo terms. “Mom is crying because she found out Dad has been calling other ladies and her feelings are very very hurt.” Son’s beautiful response “It’s ok mom, you can have feelings with me.”
The other families: situations did not include any publically evident struggles, which is another scary thing. The families are still intact, no issues of alcoholism or abuse that anyone knows of.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the sons who committed suicide were the youngest sons of the oldest daughters. I’m the oldest daughter. He’s my only son. (one miscarriage between 15yo daughter and 10yo son, don’t know the sex).
I just read the statistics and weep. Is there any way to do the RIGHT thing, now? I’ve already brought yet another monster into his life, unawares. God, why did they let me have children?
I have have said the same thing so many times–How could I have brought THIS into my children’s lives? But, I’ve come to realize I DID NOT DO THIS; this one’s all him. He conned me and my family. He conned everyone. In the three years we dated, he took my kids camping, built them a treehouse, went on trips to the beach, planned awesome birthday parties. He was the perfect partner and father. He always talked to the kids like they mattered, they were important. Their own father abandoned them for his 20 y/o girlfriend. They needed Greg. I felt so fortunate to have found this “family man” who was also fun and sexy. He was SUCH a fraud. I could not have known.
Dear lynn,
You are a good mother and a good person. This is not your fault and no reflection on your parenting. These men are predators so saying you should have known better is like saying that rabbit shouldn’t have ended up in the fox’s mouth. I know you worry about the history of suicide but no one can predict that outcome.Children are VERY intuitive and sooner or later they will pick up that something is very wrong. I believe a loving mother is the best insurance against emotional or psychological disturbance.Many fine people have been raised by mothers alone. Do not beat yourself up that way. It will all work out. karen xx
Exactly March….I don’t see any way you or any of us could have known. Now what we do AFTER we find out…well that is a completely different story. 🙁
Karen xxThanks March and Lynn, as I said, it’s one of the lies I struggle with in staying. Along with the fear taking the financial plunge again into single parenthood again. Just found out yesterday that my time with H has cost me a drop from a hard earned 749 credit score to 608. Have to find out what happened, nothing I can pintpoint. sigh. Lie #2 – the children will be resentful because they’ll have to drop all extracurricular activities because we won’t be able to afford them, when they MOST need those positive outlets. sigh.
These things don’t sound like lies to me, Lynn; they sound like real things you have to consider. The lies are more things such as: he’s really trying, he didn’t mean to hurt me, no one else will love me, I’m too old to start over, he’s “sick” and can’t help it…
you are strong and smart Lynn BUT you are only flesh and blood. Of course, you are worried about your children and your security. You have already been a single parent so you know how difficult that role is. Of course you WISH things could be so different? You wish they could be the way your husband led you to believe they could be when you married him. It is very very hard Lynn. We all understand.Don’t beat yourself up. He has beat you enough. 🙁 Karen xx
We’re all very smart, very intuitive women. I’m still sitting here, shaking my head, that this is all really true.
Lynn, when I hear that the children in your family who took their own lives appeared to come from perfectly intact, healthy families, I felt a chill. It is impossible to know what the situation was. Look at how difficult it is, to understand our OWN husbands! You’re a great mom and very tuned into your son’s needs. So, so many people are not. They are in denial. They sweep all of the nasty under the rug. That never works.
As for having enough $ for the kid’s extra-curricular activities. I don’t know what they are into. My kids are musicians and yes, we spent a king’s ransom on music lessons, but some of it was absolutely free and there are other ways to get funding. There are scholarships and grants and reduced rates. If you explained your situation, I bet that you’d be surprised at how accommodating you would find people to be and if not, then someone else will be! Also, there’s lots out there, that’s absolutely free, or almost free. Community theater, sports, musical groups. Anything through school is free. But, yes, you are right, keeping them busy and productive is crucial!
lynn 608 is my lucky number!
our excuses are our own denial. It’s like our house burned down and we keep revisiting the site and sweeping the ashes to the sides to recreate the rooms. It will never be a house again. It’s gone. (poor nap got both)You know I used to feel so weak, and I still do a lot of the time, but the truth is WE are all way stronger than most women I know. Most of them will never have to face this challenge, they will never be tested like this. I was at bunco and listened to the chatter. It reminded me of March saying she missed the days when the dust on the baseboards mattered! When we are on the other side of this we will be steel magnolias! (someone posted that before – love it)
The hard parts like friends, community, finances, loneliness, split family are all things we can deal with. I think (pray) the hardest part is what we are going through right now. It wont be fun, but at least there wont be crazy man hurdles to deal with.
Hugs
HeidiLexie – I know, there is a lot available, but it takes time to put in place. Had to do it before. My daughter lost her dance scholarship before, too, just two months before her big debut. It’s all so tentative and you have to put out so much energy to keep all those aid options open. I’m wondering if, in my current condition, I can do it all again. I really do feel like I died that first DDay. I physically feel very, very weak. Can’t keep up my exercises. Mentally in a cloud, having trouble making decisions. I know what I need to do, but GOD, the time and energy commitment to get out of this hole is so overwhelming and there is no reprieve to demands from outside. I can’t stop the world so I can actually breathe and heal.
Heidi, you’re right too. We are strong, but mine is so shattered now. IE, my homeschooled son knows I’m hurt, and comes repeatedly to kiss my cheek and say “I love you”. It’s wonderful of him, but I am starting to feel angst about even that, because he is doing it more and more and looking curious because I don’t light up like I usually do. The batteries are dying inside, it’s certainly not his fault. Then I feel like a heel that he has to see that. ARGH! Try to shine with so little inside, the effort is using the last of my reserves.
I so get what you’re saying, Lynn, and I’m sorry you are completely exhausted.
Last night, my h said, “I’m so tired after the year I’ve had I feel like I need to sit in a room for a month and just stare at the walls.” I wanted to smack him to the moon.
Dear Lynn,
I understand. You have run out of juice. Thats ok. My first advice a good trauma therapist and EMDR, even if you have to drive to get it? This advice was given to me recently by a shrink in Singapore. I know this resourse is not available everywhere but with a commute it should be. You may only require 3-4 sessions to feel better? Beyond that…let your self OFF the leaving him hook…for now only. I don’t think you are ready to go there yet and that is ok. Try to put yourself into a neutral emotional state…step back the way I advised Annie. You KNOW who your husband is Lynn…I don’t need to preach about that because on some level you know. Try to become an observer in your own life, Lynn. Cease ALL efforts to reason with your husband. Do NOT discuss HIS recovery or his logic. Do not allow him to discuss it with you. Focus on your son and on Xmas and on yourself…in anyway you can…school,exercise,introspection, therapy. Let the rest go….at least for a period. You need a break and to rest. I cannot tell you have to do it but think of it as a psychological vacation where you put all his shit aside and just check out. If you can physically check out for awhile even better, but if you cannot leave in your head.This is HIS PROBLEM Lynn even though it is going to impact you down the road. Let it be HIS PROBLEM and just take care of you for now. I guarantee if you build wall around yourself you will feel better and become an observer in your own life. He will prove to you over and over again who he is just by you watching him. When the time is right you will know what to do with those observations. Just Breathe Lynn. Rome was not built in a day and you have the colliseum(sp) half built in the last few months. You are tired. Rest. With love, Karen
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