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I’m really trying to direct my energy into healing myself. I am deeply sad, painfully grieving, sometimes afraid, and often angry. I need to let those feeling wash through and over me. But in between, I am trying to heal.
Here are my ideas:
Practicing Feldenkrais (this is a meditative sort of guided movement that reconnects the body and brain)
“Nesting” (this ranges from deep cleaning to buying artwork to planning what furniture I’ll get to replace X’s when he moves out. I bought some wonderful canvases yesterday that just scream “this is MY house”)
Eating (in my case, this is a not a medicating binge. it is survival. I have lost an alarming amount of bodyfat and muscle mass over the past 2 weeks. My entire rib cage shows. Not cool. As a nutrition geek, I’m maximizing caloric intake and nutrition even though my stomach capacity seems to have shrunken)
Working out (yup, fitness geek too. I mostly lift weights and sprint. Lately, I’ve been lifting relative light weight and taking long walks. My body is enduring enough stress without taking a physical beat down too.)
Magnesium supplementation (via Natural Calm, a hot drink, and epsom salt baths)
Reading for pleasure (it’s easy to get in my “work groove” and focus focus focus on the SA and recovery books, but sometimes I just gotta chill out with a novel. Why not?)
I guess it all boils down to taking control of my own body and environment. I need to be in control of those things, even though my world is swirling. It does help.
As an introvert, this next part is hard for me, but I know I need to do it: Increase social interaction. I need to find some…I dunno, dinner clubs or riding clubs or Crossfit or hiking groups or something non-religious that up my alley. Just to meet and be with people. Friends are important and I don’t have many.
How about you? What do you do to foster your healing?
Your ideas all sound great. I would try them all when it feels right. For the first two months I needed to not dive into the holistic route. I was in immense pain. So, lot’s of red wine, Gin and Tonics, Mexican food, more wine, naps, and lot ‘s of movies. Tonight it is a Vodka Tonic, I built a fire, made black bean soup, and bought myself a poinsettia.
I miss my margaritas. No alcohol for me with the gdamn morality clause. Or whatever the hell it’s called. Of course STBX was drinking at his orgies. Whatever. I’m not giving him anything he can use on me.
Teri, when your ready for a margarita I will send you my awesome recipe. And even one called the Texan Martini, which has a bit of olive juice in it.
AnnieO, I’m not gonna lie, your list has me feeling a bit inadequate but that’s just my codependency talking. You rock woman. I take naps and smoke cigarettes. I did just start talking a class online but I’m already bored with it. Did I mention I nap?
Oh, laststraw. 🙂 I’d love to take a nap if I could manage to sleep! I can sleep some nights, if I schedule enough magnesium intake and wind-down time including some pleasure reading to get my mind out of the whirlpool.
I’m jealous you can read, annie. I have only been able to manage self-help books and young adult novels with my son. And I am usually an avid reader- I have a stack of classics I had been making my way through. When Dday hit, I was halfway through Midnight’s Children, which I was really enjoying. I doubt I will ever be able to finish it now.
🙁 ((Teri)) I can’t always. My ability to do it usually follows an emotional blowout. But that’s better than nothing.
I used to read 3 books a week. I was never without a book. I can’t do it now. I have read my son’s assigned reading ( like Teri said) and it gets too much for me unless it is small doses. I can read magazine articles. That’s about it.
Bad reality tv, gas station wine (aka CVS/Walgreens is my dealer 😉 ). I had to laugh at all the unhealthy mentioned here bc that’s all I am right now. Strict diet of unhealthy! Ughhh!!
I don’t think anyone mentioned chocolate! Actually, I’m not the health nut that Annie is (you rock, btw!) but I do enjoy working out and get tremendous stress relief from a good Body Combat class (cardio kick boxing on steroids). Most of my evenings lately include a glass of wine or my favorite drink, Ginger & Bourbon. It’s made with JD Tennessee Honey Bourbon and Northern Neck ginger ale (this is a much strong ginger ale than others). Try it – it’s awesome. Oh and I play numerous games of solitare on my Kindle. It’s the right amount of mindless activity with enough strategy and thinking to keep me challenged.
I am reconnecting deeply with family and old friends from various stages of my life.
I generally talk to someone every day about how I’m doing with the sexual addiction.
I go to trauma counselling.
I travel a lot to reconnect with people deeply.
I hike by myself in nature and think about a female friend (each time a different one) for 10-15 minutes that I love, all they’ve been through in their lives, etc., then write them an email.
Each evening I write down three things I’m grateful for.
I exercise most days, aerobic, weights, walking.
I eat right. I have gotten an STD that can result in cancer, so it’s important to keep my immune system up.
I listen to soothing music. I’m listening to lots of instrumental Christmas music in the past week. In years past, I found Christmas music rather obnoxious after all these years of life – I’m 54. I bought a lot of new age music and love having it on as background music as I go through my day. I listen to the classical station instead of listening to NPR. Don’t care much about the news these days, which is great, frees my brain up for personal stuff. Today I’m going to a concert with a friend. Haven’t done that in ages.
I take an anti-depressant – terrifically good decision – very important for sleep and clear thinking.
I am getting increasingly engaged in civic activities around good government and the arts. Another very beneficial result of this horror.
I am shopping for myself for the first time in my life. I bought a much needed new wardrobe, everything from purses to jewelry to three, beautiful pairs of boots. I was always making sacrifices in this arena. This was great fun!
I asked my husband to live somewhere else – another very important decision that is nurturing my healing.
I tell my grown children, one boy, one girl, I love them often. We share deeply about the SA stuff.
It’s interesting, things that used to mean so much to me, like working in the beautiful flower gardens I created in our back yard, I leave for my husband to come over and do now.
I created that love garden for him while he was away for a year and this activity took off to an extreme. I want to do new things now. I thought I wanted to join a choir. I went to some choir performances recently and decided maybe not. I see what I want is some sort of creative process back in my life. Perhaps I’ll take up painting.Like many of you, I can’t read. Only SA stuff. I have a lot of half-finished books.
I don’t watch TV.
I allow people to nurture me. I reach out to people. Healing occurs in relationship.
I’ve done some yoga. This would be good, but I have back issues.
I get on this website where I have all these sisters! Thank you sisters.
One important thing I forgot. My husband is not going to be a part of our family holidays this year. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED my Thanksgiving in New York City with my immediate family minus my husband and my brother’s family. One of our best holidays ever for both families. Not necessarily because my husband wasn’t there, but because we shared so deeply with each other, even the kids did, partly because of this mess.
Penny, that self love list is soooo good. You sound strong and healthy!
Bren, Post those drink recipes! I have a great fuzzy navel frozen mix to share.
My counselor’s insistance: Breakfast every day, walk 30 mins a day, sunshine 30 mins a day. The bare minimum and I had to struggle for months to get that down.
Contra dancing, it’s so complex and involves a lot of other people to live music. You have to keep moving to keep the lines right. It’s fun, social, musical, and you can’t think about ANYTHING else while you’re doing it. I always end up laughing which is great. I realize it’s not all that in every place, but I’m lucky enough to have stumbled onto a place where a lot of college kids and academics hang out, and it’s a hoot. What was supposed to be preservation of an 1800 dance form has morphed into what looks like a mix of square and swing dancing to celtic music. River Falls Lodge, near Asheville. It’s pretty unique. Also 2 hours from my house, so the drive is therapeutic, too. The scenery is great because it’s out in the middle of nowhere. I went last night and I feel so much BETTER! I know the social avoidance I mentioned before a few times, seems I wouldn’t want to do this. It’s different, you don’t TALK to anyone, and you don’t even dance with one partner more than 8 measures. No verbal engagement required.
Chocolate
Hiking, twice a week, at least
Exercising every day. Every bloody day.
Volunteering, PTA now, still looking for another outlet
I went to a meetup in a coffee house today, an esoteric kind of “Free Thinkers Society” and just relished these people getting all heated up arguing their points that were in NO WAY related to SA. There is another world out there and I am absolutely going to live there again. I’m “nesting” in that sense.
Talking to women I know, this is tentative. I feel so outside now, but I am trying. I made three lunch dates. Two cancelled. Oh well, I am pushing this through.
I have a whole book of goals, and I sometimes use it, and sometimes I am angry I thought I could. But it’s there and I do use it often.
Go, Lynng!
I spent some time on meetup.com today and joined a few (non-dating-type) groups. As an introvert, I draw energy from being alone rather than from being social, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need friends and a network. So I’m going to make a real effort to put myself out there. I need to meet people and have some fun…it would be all to easy to stay here alone on the farm, languishing in my pain or walling it off and pretending it doesn’t exist. Neither is a good idea.
Therapy tomorrow. Time to talk about how to heal and how to prevent this from ever happening to me again.
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