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This Christmas has been the worst ever. I have been through enough with dr ahole. I had hoped my kids would form a protective coccoon around me. Two of them did. My 24 yo son was wonderful. My 25 yo daughter lives in Florida and did the best she could from there. I am so dissappointed in my 27 yo daughter Amy and my 23 yo daughter Tara. First Amy. She just bought her first home. It was before dr ahole filed for divorce. I had about 15,000$ of my own money. Being the caretaker I am, I took Amy shopping for new furniture, new kitchen etc and paid for it with my own money. Amy is living with her BF Jason. It is not a healthy relationship. Amy is an architect and makes good money. She literally pays all the bills Jason does not contribute because he is in school…27 yo and undergrad because he flunked out of school for partying too much when he was at his last college. Amy just picked up another waitressing job so they can pay their bills. BIG PROBLEM: I went with my mother to watch Tara play college hockey over Labor day weekend. While I was gone, dr ahole rounded up 15 men to move whatever he fancied (furniture, framed pics of my kids, sheets, towels, pots and pans, etc) out of the marital home. Jason-boyfriend- actually HELPED DR AHOLE MOVE!!!! furthermore, Jason brought 4 friends along to help. Jason doesn’t seem to think he did anything wrong…Amy asked Jason to apologize to me. Jason has too much pride and arrogance to do so. He finally agreed to WRITE his apology in a letter to me. This was almost 4 months ago. I still have not seen the letter. I told Amy do not even insult me with the letter at this point.It is not sincere anymore. She says I am going to have to get over it because she is going to marry Jason. Jason is JUST LIKE HER FATHER. He probably is looking at porn as we speak. Amy is so stubborn she cannot stand up for her mother and what is right. Furthermore, she does not want to discuss ANYTHING about her father with me. She doesn’t understand why I feel the need to tell her how difficult this Christmas is for me because she thinks that is bringing this whole thing up and, well, her father can be around her and they never discuss what has happened to our family. I said of course he is happy to not discuss it…HE DID IT for christsakes. Even though they never discuss the situation, somehow dr ahole told Amy he has a girlfriend and wanted to bring her to Amys house for Christmas dinner. At least Amy said no. But if she is not discussing anything, why does he feel comfortable telling her he has a girlfriend????? ( girlfriend is 30. dr ahole is 54) My family had us for Christmas Eve. Amy and Tara were told by my family if they did not spend time with me over the holidays, they were not invited for Christmas Eve. Amy did nothing with me so I told her to stay home Christmas Eve. Now she is angry with ME. Then there is Tara. Tara is a senior in college. Tara could not stay at home with me over Christmas break because “it is too depressing for her to see the empty rooms in the house, and I am too depressing to be around.” Dr ahole took her bedroom set when he was here over Labor Day. She did have other places in my home to sleep. She decided to stay at Amys instead because “they don’t talk about anything there” and she likes Amy and Jason. Prior to this, she never called me from school to check in. Even when I had a bad fall from a ladder and was in intensive care for 4 days( in September) She never called. My mother finally got her on the phone and told her to call me . She told my mom she didn’t call because dr ahole told her I was “high” on pain meds. I am allergic to narcotics and went through this whole thing on extra strength ibuprofen. I had no idea where Tara was for Thanksgiving. She called dr ahole and got a new phone number that I didn’t have. She goes to school in Chicago. She texted me on THANKSGIVING DAY to tell me she was in Michigan with friends for T-giving. Nice, huh? Now she is staying at Amy’s because she doesn’t want to talk about anything going on at home and Amy is more fun. I’m sure she is getting an earful about me from Amy and Jason. Today, Tara told me she is going to VA tomorrow to see her boyfriend of 5 years. Boyfriend just got a DUI 2 days ago, but thats fine with Tara. She told me she would be home for 1 day after she gets back from VA.Then she is driving to Chicago. I asked if she would stay with me instead of Amy so I could have some time with her. She refused. She did, however, call my mother to plan on meeting her at my house tomorrow so she could get her Christmas card ($). I was so angry I told her NOT to come here tomorrow, and to find other arrangements to get her Christmas card. I am sick of being mistreated by my kids. Dr ahole has them right in the palm of his hand. He is “always so happy around us” they say. He told Amy our marriage was never good, and he has apparently now found his soul mate. Amy repeated this to me….she is supposed to NOT DISCUSS ANYTHING WITH HIM!!!!!! I told her I wish somebody clued me in that our marriage was so bad, as I was booking along just fine. Anybody have any thoughts? I am at wits end with my girls and I feel dr ahole has not only destroyed things with me, he is also trying to destroy my family. I’m sorry this is so long I needed a vent session desparately.
Thoughts? Ok. “Let them go.” Just as you would any other person who was hurting you. They don’t want to take sides and you are playing right into their hands. They may be selfish or they may be unable to handle the reality of who their father is. In any event, your children cannot fix your life or the problems in your marriage. They think your X and his souls mate are so great? Then let them have their fill of him. Step back. Give them enough rope to hang themselves. When our children abuse us we have to let them go the same way we would with other hurtful people in our lives. You don’t need their abuse on top of his. I’m really sorry. It must hurt a great deal. 🙁 Karen xx
Thank you Karen. This is the exact same advice my best friend gave me tonight. She said I don’t need any more negetive energy, and to just let them go. I guess I never expected this to happen. But I am ready to let them go. There is too much anger when I am around them.
It will not be final tmp. Kids find their way back home to a loving parent BUT they are using you as their whipping post. DO not allow that and just like all abuse- the best way to deal with it is a frosty politeness. I know it is very hard when you feel you need them most BUT it will bring them back quicker if you don’t let them think they are “all that”. In the end, kids are not that different than an immature husband? That being said…I REALLY HATE these men tmp.
Massive hugs to you. Xmas will soon be over. karen xx
Well, Amy took sides it seems when her bf helped her dad move out behind your back. I’m not getting involved in this should have been the only words out of their mouths to him.
They didn’t unfortunately say that. I may be the wrong one to ask but I’d have a serious loyalty issue with the kids being ok with how you’re being treated by their dad.
Not cool at all.
Sounds like you might need that $15K back too.
I’m just saying.
I agree, blood or not, it’s bs to put up with crap from anyone. Blood is very overrated IMHO.
You are right. Dr ahole has done a good job teaching them how to abuse me. Its so pathetic. UGH I REALLY HATE THEM TOO!!!!!
You have to teach them that this is not acceptable. You don’t hate them and they don’t hate you but kids also need boundaries? How horrible at this time of year.
I know. My friends sat and cried with me tonight. They told me dr ahole is doing a great job ruining my family. He knows I put my heart and soul into those kids too. I basically raised them alone and this is the thanks I get. I DID tell Amy I wanted my money back. She says she is poor right now… I asked the kids to support me through this Christmas bc I was having a really hard time and Amy and Tara say they don’t want to get involved????? I said it is not getting involved. It is helping me deal with a difficult time. I think they have rocks for brains.
I’m sorry but I am going to disagree ..
I think we have to give these kids ( old or young ) the same benefit that we extend to new sisters that are just now dealing with the shock and trauma.
They are just as traumatized as we are. But we always have the choice to just get rid of the asshole. They don’t. It’s their father .
I do believe that if we just give them time then they will eventually figure it out. It took some of us ( most of us) a whole lot of time to figure things out.
It sucks but be patient with them. Remember how you felt when you first found out ….it won’t come easy but they will “get it” eventually.
In my opinion kids do have rocks for brains and it doesn’t help when their Dad’s take advantage of that. I don’t know for sure but this seems like classic parental alienation in the works and I would bet, if it is, your X is very suttle going about it so your kids don’t even know it’s happening. This is so common and just as easy to maniputalte older children because no matter what age chidren of divorce are they’re sad, vulnerable and confused. All your X would have to do is be fun, give them praise, kindness, money or whatever he can all while dropping hints that you are or have been the problem and He set the stage. Don’t play into this for a minute if you think this is what he’s doing.
There is friction between you and your girls so all he has to do is sit back wait for his time with them and act like the calm, comforting, sympathetic parent. I could be way off base but I know my Dad did this to my sister and I during their divorce ..I was close to Tara’s age and just had my first baby. I realized what he was doing pretty quick but I was so sad and upset that my baby wasn’t as big a deal as their divorce and maybe even looking for someone to blame and my Dad knew how to play the game. I was mad at my mom because my father maniputaled me into thinking she was at fault, unstable, miserable, and uncaring he had me keeping secrets (new girl friend) and at one point turned my sister and I against one another. Through all this my Mom never faultered, she just kept saying things like I’m sorry that you feel that way or this must be hard on you girls. I’m not sure if this is what’s going on with your kids but be aware that this could very well be your X’s plan in the making. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I want to call your girls and set them straight but I’m sure they will see thier Dad’s true colors soon enough and sorry for how they treated you..be patient and stay strong!Tmp,
So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I’m almost 2 yrs divorced (will be 2 yrs on Valentines Day it was finalized). During my divorce, everyones emotions were very raw. I have 2 daughters. They were 18 and 22 at the time. I was living in a hotel 5 months of the 9 months the divorce took. My youngest saw me everyday, the oldest away at college, never called and the few times I did see her was obviously ‘daddys girl’. I was so traumatized myself I didn’t (or couldn’t) deal with her so I just lived her from afar. I didn’t get angry with her. I just, when I had the chance let her know despite everything I was her mom and loved her as I always have. I was there for her if she needed me.When the divorce was final my youngest cried like a baby for a whole day. I think she thought somehow the divorce would be dropped and we would be back together. My xh was the one who filed and was expressing regret however I didn’t want to be married to him anymore.
I called my oldest and we met midway between where I live and her college at a diner for breakfast. She was very teary eyed and I did most of the talking. I told her I knew this affected her and I was sorry for all the pain she was feeling, that I loved her, and I was still her mom as I always had been. I also told her I would be okay and never wanted her to worry about me. I never talked about her dad in front of either of them. I thought their relationship with him was still as their father. I didn’t want them to feel like they were in the middle or had to choose sides.
Today, my oldest daughter has come around the past 2 yrs. I was always consistent with them both. My youngest, now 20, lives with me while she goes to Jr college.
I believe your kids will come around tmp. Going through a divorce is a tough time for everyone no matter what age. I know you feel angry at their response however if you let them know you are still their mom, love them, and are there for them no matter what, they will come around. They know you are a great mom and sometimes that gets lost during the stress of divorce however keep the door open and they will come back to you.
Love, Nap
Thank you all for the advice. The kids have had plenty of time to get used to the situation. Dr ahole and I have been separated for 2 years now. Originally he was working on the marriage. In about February of this year, he suddenly stopped trying so hard.I didn’t care because he made me sick every time I looked at him. Now I know it was the 30yo girlfriend. She swooped in and grabbed him….SA and all. She told him she was in recovery too. She is apparently his fantasy woman. He literally disappeared off the face of the Earth the day he filed for divorce.. Whatever. I can’t say anything without Amy and Tara getting overly sensitive. We went to my sisters house for Christmas Eve. She lives a few towns over. My sister lives in the town I grew up in, as do my parents and several other siblings. As we were driving home, Tara mentioned how pretty the town is. I said I know, I wanted to settle there after her father finished residency. She flipped out and started with the “OK, mom” bullshit. That is ridiculous. I can’t even say I wanted to live there.?? WTF.. And then they somehow know all about their dads new girl??? I agree I need to separate myself right now because I am just too angry for words. I also feel Dr ahole is manipulating behind the scenes. He is oh so good at it. That is exactly what he is doing. Trying to alienate them from me….another tactic to get back at me because in his warped mind he has managed to convince himself that I am to blame for the demise of the marriage ( he said in one MC session that I am not outdoorsey enough and I am not in recovery. He thought I should go to al anon 5 nights a week and he is not even an alcoholic). He is also firing all guns legally….I was supposed to get a support payment on Dec.21. I have still not recieved it from Domestic Relations. They claim they have not recieved it from DR aholes workplace.The accountant at his workplace is on vacation until Jan 2. Meanwhile, his dickhead lawyer is filing a motion Monday against me for not paying the mortgage. How am I supposed to pay without support $??? Dr ahole is literally trying to ruin me.
This sounds horrible, but you are getting great advice. Love your kids, love your kids, and then love them some more, and you can’t go wrong. That doesnt mean you have to pay for anything or help them move or any of that stuff. It means, let them know they are welcome and you don’t want them in the middle of this stuff with you and their Dad, and the only control you have over that is that you won’t put them there, and if they end up in the middle anyway, you won’t participate in that in any way. They know who you are, and you’ll Win ( have a loving relationship with your kids) if you stop participating in the power plays that are being thrown all around you. Just say no. Then they have to concentrate on their Dad and his young lover, and they’d much rather focus on being mad at you for whatever reason.
Yes, Courtney. I do love my kids. I know all through their early years their father planted seeds in their heads that I was an overreacter, I am crazy, or whatever suited his purpose. I had no idea he was doing that. I figured it out about 2 years ago. I hate being manipulated by that asshole. He has made such a mess of this family. I have taken a step away from all of it. I’m done with him and his bullshit.
For what it’s worth, I’ll share what I’ve come to believe about young adult children in this mess. Remember that recent thread about 20 years being about the average time married before discovery? It stands to reason, then, that we’ll have teens and young adults involved and that this shit hits the fan during a time that our kids are fledglings–or getting ready to be–and need more than anything for us to be a strong base for them as they venture out on their own. The world is rough and many of our children are spoiled. The economy sucks, a good education does not necessarily lead to a good job. It’s hard to count on ANYTHING. They are trying to figure out their identities, who to love, how to live, and suddenly they discover that their fathers are liars and perverts. Their mothers are falling apart, barely able to get out of bed. They DON’T CARE how hard this is for us. They need someone they can count on. They’re angry, alone, overwhelmed….and then we try to lean on THEM.
I did it too. I’m not sure I could help it.
I also made the mistake of going off my antidepressants after the divorce was final, because I could no longer afford them. I didn’t realize, a few months later, how far I’d fallen into that dark pit again. I’m sure my girls got tired of seeing me moping around, complaining constantly, weeping all the time. I’m sure it made them feel hopeless–for me and for themselves. I wanted them to comfort me, take my side, be supportive, but instead they were furious and abusive.
They seemed to feel about me the same way I felt about MY OWN mother, who never has been able to gain her footing, who doesn’t take good care of herself, who has never been truly happy!!!
And don’t we ALL want that role model mother, who can show us how to be happy and in control of our lives?? Don’t we want the mom who can teach us to rise up, who can prove that a man doesn’t have the power to RUIN us?!
I finally got a grip. I started back on medication. Until I truly felt better, I FAKED it around my kids. Or at the very least, I never made our time together about ME. I turned my attention to THEM when I was with them. I started GIVING, even when I wasn’t sure I had anything to give. It was hard. It was necessary. It worked. For me and mine.
Thank you march. I will try my best. I guess I expected them to be more appalled by their father. And I know he is behind the scenes manipulating. I was doing great. I really was. Then Christmas hit and I went to pieces. I have given them so much . I just wish they could help me out a little now.
This is like the grown-up, even more godawful version of how we used to have to clean up everyone’s vomit and wash the bedding and give them their medicine–even when we had the stomach flu too.
March, this was the best post re our children that I have ever read. That was amazing and I will keep it close:) thank you
Just so you know, I was a child of this myself. My father walked out on my mother and 8 of us kids because of another woman. He told us he didn’t love us anymore. Then my mother, who is the LAST person I ever thought would do this, had an affair with an old HS boyfriend at age 60. Both times, I held the cheating parent responsible for their behavior. Both times I helped the parent who had been cheated on. I stood up for what was right. None of this resonates with me because when I was in the situation as a kid I called it like it was. I don’t get these kids. And furthermore the ones I gave the most to are the ones leaving me in the dust right now.
BTW my parents are still together. Somehow they worked through it. Neither had multiple affairs that I know of.
I have ben thinking about this post tmp. I do believe that they ae young, dumb, and self involved. That is not surprising….most are at that age.
I would say that karen and march are right. Keep loving them always and set boundaries.
They will soon learn ( and i am sorry) that their father is a piece of shit. He will put the 30 year old GF ahead of them every time and they will begin to see this.
I do believe that they have to process the whole debacle and do some soul searching and that will come with some maturity. Your daughter’s are involved with assholes and soon they will be tossed aside too.
I can’t see anything else that you can do except set rigid rules about how you will allow yourself to be treated. It seems that they are determined to learn the hard way.
I’m so sorry that these guys hurt their own children but they do. Hang in there and the next time some asswipe moves shit out of your home then call the police 🙂
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