What if he hit you?

Victoria I think you are very sweet to stand against DV. We have conceded that infidelity is a form of abuse. It is strange to me how a sister can say you allowed the behavior. I didn’t allow it anymore than anyone else has. I believe that what has been written has been purely out of love and concern, but how can a sister say that I am allowing abuse when she is still married to an SA unless she really believes they are in recovery. Anyways… I know I have been abused, I am hoping to make changes. I had a therapist but not one that specialized in trauma.

I love you Lisa. I have not called. I will not bother to waste your time with excuses. Do you know in 2009 when I tried to sleep in another room he burned the bed. Yep took the bed out in the back yard and burned it. My point to the other sisters is I know I am allowing my abuse; Do u (not Lisa) know you are allowing yours also? I will get there. This is a promise to my sisters and myself.

Florida U.S.

SOT I’m so sorry that you are in this situation I understand your difficulty to move on. Many of us haven’t moved on for various reasons. I believe that in time you will get where you want to be. Plenty of self care will help you. Perhaps start with some boundaries that are not about your husband but rather more about your self care. Very recently I went away with 8 girlfriends. One night I couldn’t cope with the noise or having so many people around me and I could feel myself imploding. I excused myself (tiredness) and went to bed. I was discussing this with my counsellor and he said I was setting a boundary for my own self care. These kinds of baby steps might help you calm yourself so you can work on the big stuff.
I have to say when you posted our husband is a Dentist I felt like I’d been stabbed. Another man in a ‘caring’ profession who is so cruel to the one most important to him. My daughter is a dentist too. She is the most beautiful, caring girl and she comes home often talking about the different patients and what she does to care for them. It is hard to fathom how a member of her profession could lead such an immoral life.

Me too Lisa. My husband will be the first to tell you that there are some crazy people in the dental profession. I am glad that your daughter enjoys her career choice. My H has never really liked it. His 1st girlfriend went to be a dentist, so I think he did it more to prove something to her. The strange thing is that patients loooove him. He will not hear it though. When the front desk girl tells him how much the patients brag on his work it goes in one ear and out the other. He wont accept it. I am not the weasel I was in 2009. I am not where I should be, but not where I was either. I will get there. Like the sisters say, (Cat, Courtney & Lisa) baby steps.

SOT who says you need to be ‘somewhere’ at a particular point in time. You are really too hard on yourself. You have referred to yourself as ‘the village idiot’ twice that I know of. I think you are a great girl. Take your time. You will know when it is time for change. Our brave Lisa didn’t separate straight away. She waited until she had the strength and resolve to extricate herself.
I don’t doubt your husband’s patients love him. There are many doctors and emergency services SAs. I often reflect on something Meg posted. Her husband is a heart surgeon and he has held many hearts in his hands but he didn’t look after hers. Absolutely heartbreaking.

Awe. How sad.

Thank you Cat. I just think I have been paralyzed with indecision for years. I initially hoped his whoring around was a one time thing but it wasnt. It sucks!!! You live with what you allow is kinda BS from my standpoint. I sat up his business worked hours in it in addition to my job. Now if we divorce he gets half of my 401 and i get half of his business but he doesnt have much ambition to make a ton of money so the business doesnt have the value it could. Also he has never helped me out a nanosecond at my job but he gets half. My daughter would have to come see him even though she cant stand him without me there to run interference.

Wow Nellie. What in the world are you talking about Karen? There are plenty of married women on this site. Bev, Liza, Me, You and there are some at different levels. I do not believe in HIS recovery. I gave up on that a long time ago. I am being abused by his BS but other women that think there husbands are in recovery (I am not mentioning any names not because I do not know everyone) might very well be being abused with deception. So there are different levels of hope and abuse. If you aren’t fooled any longer than you aren’t being abused. Do you think I am not financially dependent on my H? We bought this house on his income. Now I either have to leave my son or be dependent on my H for the next few years. I am no longer fooled by my H either. I think that is why he acts out in the DV controlling ways. There are other sisters that my heart breaks for because they really believe that their H will get better. I just want to tell them to run, but that is not my place because if someone had told me that 7 years ago, I wouldn’t have listened either because I loved him and I believed him. Two that I can think of I might be wrong but I think one Andrea76 and the other Just4Kids. They are fresh and just starting out with this shit storm. Hell Dr. E is still abusing Teri and she is divorcing him. I just do not think it is a fair statement to say you live with what you allow FUCK THAT!!! You live with what you have to until you can afford to do better or until you can make the best for your kids or in some cases until they leave you. I am sorry that I hurt youand that it should like I was talking about you. Love back Sheri

I am sorry that your son has ESRD. That is really difficult. Is he on a transplant list? From what I understand transplants can be worse than the dialysis?

I think the thing about we are treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and also the one about how no one can make you feel anything (which wan’t mentioned before but this discussion reminds me of) can be helpful or hurtful.

They can be inspiring and motivating to look for changes in your life to deal with difficult people and situations. This is especially true if you are caught in a pattern of repeated difficult situations that are causing you much difficulty. I have used this kind of thinking when dr. e kept drawing me into arguments to deflect from his behavior. I had to learn to not take his bait. That was the only way to stop the arguing.

But they can also make you feel you are being blamed for things that you cannot control. Because they are only completely true in an idealized world where people can just sever ties and walk away from any relationship. It ignores the reality that many of us are dependent because of finances or will be tied to them for years because of children and that legally we have really few good options. And of course if someone does something bad to you, you are going to be upset.

But as Karen pointed out (and NAP earlier), there’s more than one way to not tolerate. It doesn’t have to be about leaving although it can be. It’s also about taking back your power, setting boundaries, and having some control over your life.

Karen, you flat out lied back there. You are too a Goddess. One of the most potent ones we have because you speak your truth ALWAYS. It may not be what everyone wants to hear but it is REAL and it is yours. Truth is hard and often hard to recognize in this insane SA world we are forced to inhabit. As you said in your post, Karen, the beauty of a discussion forum is that you are free to pick and choose which truth and which advice works for your individual situation. You don’t have to heed it all. You can’t heed it all because there are too many differing viewpoints.

I have said this before and I will probably say it again. This is a DISCUSSION forum. A Sister starts a thread and anyone who is interested weighs in with their own perspective. That is what a discussion is. It is not about everyone agreeing with what the original poster said. If that is what you are looking for, I suggest starting a blog and controlling the comments. We have plenty of Sisters here who read but don’t post and that is more than okay too. But if you DO post, expect truthful and sometimes painfully honest responses from the other Sisters who will respond from wherever they happen to be in their life and on their journey at that particular moment. That is the nature of this forum. Take what is helpful, ignore the rest. The reason the ‘hood is such a life saving miracle for many of us is because of that sometimes painful truth that is offered here. That’s why we are here. It’s not for everyone, however. Each Sister needs to determine whether this place is right for her journey. The ‘hood is what it is, and I for one, hope it doesn’t change.

That last part was a general statement, not intended for any specific sister. This however, is intended for Karen so I am NAMING you, dear Sister. Karen, I love you and have the utmost respect for you. Keep on keeping on.

I appreciate you ladies, I really do.

To echo what Daisey said this is a discussion forum. I hope that nobody does not say what needs to be said or share her truth. I need to hear from Karen and Nap. Likewise, please do not get offended if someone does not agree 100% with it. Both people should feel free to discuss things. It helps me to work things out in my head!