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My H readily agreed to my demands because of one thing…..his belief that he can win this battle over pa. He never said that but it’s just my personal belief. I also keep the house (valued at 325K, we owe roughly $190 on it) and all of its contents except what I agree to give him. He also must maintain his life ins policy with me as sole beneficiary should we divorce, even if he remarries. He’s also fully agreed to a polygraph which I haven’t done yet. He jumped at taking one after I filed for divorce when he initially refused to take one.
Mentally, I’m preparing for the poly. The results will impact any decisions I make, mainly if he fails the question of ‘are you being truthful that you have not had any sexual relations/contact with another person since meeting your wife?’
I know me and if a poly shows he lied then I couldn’t stay in this marriage. I never continued in a relationship while dating once I caught them cheating. I broke off one engagement 20 years ago due to finding out the guy cheated. I was kind enough to give back the ring without being asked. I severed all ties. I cried a lot over it but never looked back. He married the reason I left and they divorced 11 years ago. He’s on wife #3 now.
If he’ll put his dick where it doesn’t belong once, he’ll put it there again. That is definitely my bottom line.
And I even once entertained the idea of forgiving him if he admitted he had gone out and had an actual physical encounter with another. Definitely a weak moment for me in even entertaining that idea. I’ve said it to him back last yr that I could forgive that if he admits to it. I know subconsciously it was me just trying to see if he’d admit to anything. I never saw proof of it, I never had a gut feeling he has but hell yes, I know it’s 100% possible.
“If he’ll put his dick where it doesn’t belong once, he’ll put it there again. That is definitely my bottom line.”
I REALLY believed this going into this game and I STILL believe it.
EVERYTHING I have read and listened to here over the last 3 yrs or so has simply reinforced what I already believed at 18. The more things change, the more they stay the same. My Mom used to say that. I miss my Mom a lot.
I’m new and in the pregnant fuck my life denial phase but I don’t believe in what’s being said that a person with pd or sa CANT change. I am a rape and molestation victim. I went thru a very self destructive phase where I slept with anything that breathed. I drank smoked snorted pills and got myself into dangerous situations for years. Finally I hit rock bottom and with no help from pill pushing therapists rehabs bible thumping twelve step groups or my family I pushed thru and have been on the straight and arrow without any hiccups for over five yeara now. Alcoholics change. People who are told they will never walk,walk. I’m far from an optimist hell I think ppl and life sucks but I don’t believe in the words never or can’t.
I believe your powerful story of change, pumpkinspice. It makes me also believe that you will find your way out this awful mess.
Not everyone here thinks that people with PD’s or SA can’t change. But all of us understand that the evidence indicates it’s rare. PD’s usually require highly skilled therapeutic care with meds as well. The CSAT’s are not qualified to even assess for a PD, never mind treat one. So getting the right assessment and treatment program is not JUST partner problem—it’s the SA’s problem as well. Dr. Minwalla’s most recent article (in JoAnn’s sidebar “favorite links” he talks about a new aspect in play that is unrecognized outside his own practice.
I maintain that until we are correctly assessed for trauma and treated appropriately, the symptoms of our SA’s are not fully recognized and seldom treated. The existing model pioneered by Carnes and perpetrated on clients by most CSAT’s is completely incompetent on all fronts, and has not stats to speak for its success.I believe your powerful story of change, pumpkinspice. It makes me also believe that you will find your way out this awful mess.
Not everyone here thinks that people with PD’s or SA can’t change. But all of us understand that the evidence indicates it’s rare. PD’s usually require highly skilled therapeutic care with meds as well. The CSAT’s are not qualified to even assess for a PD, never mind treat one. So getting the right assessment and treatment program is not JUST partner problem—it’s the SA’s problem as well. Dr. Minwalla’s most recent article (in JoAnn’s sidebar “favorite links” he talks about a new aspect in play that is unrecognized outside his own practice.
I maintain that until we are correctly assessed for trauma and treated appropriately, the symptoms of our SA’s are not fully recognized and seldom treated. The existing model pioneered by Carnes and perpetrated on clients by most CSAT’s is completely incompetent on all fronts, and has not stats to speak for its success.still with you,
Diane.It’s interesting to read this post again after all this time. I think its a continuum of the level of their dysfuction. My xh had obviously had excelerated into live bodies from porn even before we were married and I was married 25 yrs. He had no desire to take help seriously and he demonstrated this via skipping his meetings to have sex with others. He was also very emotionally abusive to me and I always felt I could never get close to him. I would be pushed away if not physically then emotionally. Of course this is all in retrospect. I had a long history with him.
Pumkin (welcome to SOS) has a much shorter history with her h. He approached her with his problem which is super rare. He doesn’t sound abusive and is taking this very seriously from what I read.
IDK. I quess I know in most instances the beginning of the end usually starts with discovery day. After that day we often learn it was the tip of the iceberg and this man we devoted our lives to and our sense of family was totally exploited by them. It’s like bring deceitful to the nth degree. It’s totally over the top and crosses boundaries by miles and miles.
I think once ‘sober’ there’s always a possibility of relapse. I think trust has to be restored by their devotion to stay clean however and it’s not an easy life in a marriage to alway worry if they are at it and could there ever really be peace of mind? I think the answer is individual for each person. We each know what we can and can’t tolerate and then we know just based on how it all makes us feel on a daily basis. There are no easy answers. We just have to stay in reality and not fool ourselves like they fooled us.
~napI trusted after the first d day 18 years ago. Dr ahole did a pretty good job of going underground until the next d day ~
I was completely unprepared to hear in his disclosure how far he had gone into this disease. I finally realized when I look back and connect the dots that this has been going on for the entire marriage.
I gave all my ‘good’ and ‘young’ years to this man. I wish I knew more about SA 18 years ago. Hell, I wish this website was available 18 years ago.
I think we all feel at some point that our guys are ‘different’ and that they will get well. I know I did. Good old hopium.
Dr ahole has an MD after his name AND a PD….. Scary
PS – rarely is there a d day that is actually complete.
They never want us to know what we are really dealing with. OK, rarely.
Success story? Anyone? So, how is the partner doing?
PS – I smoked the hopium pipe given to me by the therapuetic and 12 Step community. IT ALLOWED THE SA TO CONTINUE HIS DOUBLE LIFE. ME? I GOT STD TESTING AND PTSD AND FINANCIAL RUIN AND MY CHILDREN GOT DRUG INTO THE WEB OF LIES.
Please, understand you and how hurt you feel.
Nap, you are confusing Pumpkin’s story with Missz’s.
Pumpkin, your H decided it was a good idea to pick a State out of a HAT, move you there after a debilitating injury, get you pregnant without financial security and no friends or family…
He does not sound like a prime candidate for change. I’m very sorry.
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