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Great discussion, Karen. I used to thank my husband’s parents on raising such an honest man. I feel like throwing up now when I think about it.
My h and his family act like they are saints. They pick really stupid things to be over the top honest about. Sit in the front row at church and sing louder than anyone else. (they like to do the harmony part on their own) That will always be a signal to me now. Before this mess I would have told you that he never lied to me about anything. In 28 years I never thought I caught him in a lie, and now I see that if I was getting close he gas lit me and had me so fucking confused I would just surrender. He is the master of manipulation. He got his power from his secrets.
I did discover that whenever he says “part of” in a sentence he is working up a lie. “part of the problem was…. part of it happened because…” etc “Part” = lie.
I am actually reading the Lie Spotting book again. Below is the link, I have posted this several times. It’s worth the watchHeidi, I saw that you posted that talk previously, watched it, and then read the book. Thanks for that, I remember my reaction to the part where she said it takes two people to lie, one to do it, and the other to believe it. My husband does that “part of ” thing all the time! I think he lied about lots of things, and like many of you, I just didn’t see it, still trying to figure it out. When you said every time you would get close to figuring it out, he would gaslight you, I think that’s what happened to me? I will definitely be thinking about that.
i want to watch this later.. but my gut reaction is that i don’t buy the two part bit. sounds like codependent crap to me.
i’m trying to think of lies he told me that i shouldn’t have believed. i can’t think of any that an normal person, talking to another normal person wouldn’t believe.
once i caught him red handed, i didn’t believe his lies about what i found. i haven’t believed his lies in the last year.
nope, just not buying that. but i’ll definitely watch, i’m speaking without looking at it first…
Watching now – thanks for the link, Heidi.
Lisa – I agree that sounds like codependent crap and I can see why she would say that but now that I go with the position that I don’t believe a word my H says, he has no one to lie to. Yet, he still lies – as evidenced by my post earlier in this thread.
Making a liar stop lying is like trying to make a sex addict stop being a sex addict.
I want that on a pillow Liza!
Telltale signs – my H does the intense looking into your eyes to convey that he is telling “the truth”. It’s almost like he’s trying to win a staring contest with me. How dare I question what he’s saying when he’s looking me so directly in the eyes?
Mine too FC. He looks me straight in the eye almost with a how dare you question me look as he splains a lie then as he walks away he has a look like he’s about to be sick.
It took me a while to figure out that the last part coincided with the first.
But I still just refer to rule #1-if his lips are moving, he’s lying.
Yeah, let’s keep the responsibility on the liar, where it belongs. None of this blame the victim nonsense.
They are still lying even if you don’t believe them.I’m still interested in learning how to spot them, though.
For-now – in the video she mentions that look of contempt. Liars can’t stop themselves from revealing that and if they do, you better get out. (She is referring to that in the context of a business relationship but I would think it applies to a personal one very well).
Oh I….K N O W…. it applies to personal relationships. He used it as an intimidation technique being a 6’3 good size man as well.
I fell for it until I kicked him out last year.
“If I can’t verify something then it DID happen” is becoming my belief
After I saw this clip and read the book, and heard the premise that for a lie to be successful, it takes two, one to tell the lie and the other to believe it, I thought that was true. Otherwise, it’s one telling the lie and the other person not believing it, which means the lie was not “successful.” I didn’t take it to mean that we should have known or believed the lies, but that if we knew and used the techniques in the book that she talks about, in general and with everybody, we would be much better prepared to not buy into the lies whatever the reason and whoever they are coming from.
I don’t think she makes the point anywhere in the book that if the lies are not believed, the liar stops lying. She just makes the point that the lies stop having the ability to influence the lives of those listening.Just watched the video. It’s very good. In rookie school and in our career we are taught to watch body language when dealing with suspects. She mentions many key traits.
I remember watching Susan Smith on the news in the mid 90’s who drowned her two boys in her car then claimed a black man car jacked her. As she cried on the news, before they were found in the lake, and begged for their safe return I thought she did it. She’s guilty. My niece said why do you think that? I told her watch her forced crying. An innocent mother who is truly begging for their children’s safe return doesn’t have to work at crying. Her emotions and demeanor aren’t appropriate for a kidnapping. She’s in prison now.
Don’t even get me started on that conniving lying argumentative murderous arrogant bitch!!
I swear I was Nancy Grace in a previous life
I called OJ, Susan Smith, Darlie Routier (a local here who slashed her two kids throats then her own (she lived) to look like a break in) and that Susan lady whose husband blew up himself and the kids after she went missing. I always thought he did it. If he didn’t, then his sa dad did and he helped cover it up. Casey Anthony killed her baby too, she only got off bc her atty presented so much reasonable doubt. Even the jury later said we thought she was guilty but all the evidence was circumstantial. Had one of her prints been on the duct tape or on the sticker that was on the duct tape would have bought a guilty verdict no doubt.
The only one I’m iffy on his Amanda Knox. I lean toward guilty tho.
Totally, For-Now! I saw a show that used Susan Smith’s husband as an example of someone showing sincere emotion. You can’t help but tear up when you hear him begging for his kids to be found. When you watch Susan Smith – you don’t feel any emotion at all. That is the sign that they are not being sincere.
I agree on Amanda Knox – I actually lean towards innocent but stupid & young & narcissistic (doing cartwheels after being arrested) but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she turned out to be guilty.
I haven’t followed Jodi Arias – my interest in sensational crimes has decreased substaintially since dealing with this SA shit.
I don’t know the Susan Smith case or Jodi Arias but I do know about Amanda Knox and I red the book about the case. I believe she is innocent. It is interesting to be FN that as a policewoman you think she is guilty. I’m just a novice.
Allcat, I said I lean toward guilty. I really don’t know much about the case. Just what I’ve seen with her body language at times makes me lean that way. Hearing the facts could change that.
I saw a CNN documentary on Amanda Knox and she sure seems innocent of that crime. That doesn’t make her someone you would want to hang out with, though.
I sometimes wonder if sometimes people get blamed for things they don’t do just because they aren’t “normal”. Like that poor guard who got blamed for the pipe bomb at the Atlanta Olympics. I guess that’s why it’s so important to have direct evidence.
I can’t believe that one about the dad who blew up himself and his sons. There were red flags all over the place. It was criminal that he still had visitation. That one makes me so mad.
Just to be a devil’s advocate for a moment- what if someone dissociates when stressed? Wouldn’t their affect be more like Susan Smith’s?
I have ordered a book on Amazon about lying. I’m really hopeless at picking up on body language or even verbal signals for that matter. Must be the rose coloured glasses. I had a client who is a Psychiatrist who had a big, hairy, ugly and horribly smelly dog. I was showing the client some tiles for a bathroom and the dog came over. I flared one of my nostrils just slightly and she noticed and said ‘he smells doesn’t he?’ I would love to have her skills.
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