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i just recently started dreaming about this. the feelings in my dreams are grief and sadness. usually something i can’t remember, but the last one was finding out a colleague was married to a SA..
I try not to remember mine, but many nights I wake up drenched in sweat. The ones that I can’t forget usually involved trying to save my kids from something related to whatever my STBX is putting us through. Sometimes I wake up with images of him involving me in his SA in various ways. My dreams usually involve anxiety and panic- or frustration and humiliation. Kind of like my real life. I hate that there is no respite in sleep.
They are so triggering, I try to forget the moment I open my eyes. Last night was really bad, I woke up screaming from a dream of H, terribly withered and dirty, laughing like a madman and doing meth with two bloddy hookers in the garb from the torture pics. And in my dream, I knew that he had OD’d and was going to die and I couldn’t stop it.
Now, I don’t know if this is one of those intuition things, or just my brain taking things to the farthest extreme about the “addiction” angle. I have no evidence that H is doing or has done meth. But I had no evidence he’s spent 10K on hookers in 6 months, either. So it’s slim reassurance.I think it had gotten so bad because I am trying to keep so much quiet and to let it all appear normal so I can take action once I have been here long enough for these courts to have jurisdiction (Nov 18, two days after my second anniversay). I don’t want H pulling the financial plug on us before then.
BUT it is so tough to listen to his telling me about all his support groups (3 now) and his new counselor, and his one on one talks with the pastors of churches he’s attending trying to find a spiritual home, and his ‘Good morning my heart’ greeting card texts because it’s such a cover.
He promised while he was in Texas he would not use the internet except at work in his office which is completely open. H made a big deal of leaving all his laptops, cell phones, etc. at home. He thought I would not know they gave him an iPhone on day one at the job. I figured it out from the tagging on a photo he texted me. He said “yes, I did get a web capapble phone. but I told them I could only have it at work. It is used for work purposes only.” Huh? The pic he sent me was of a dog park at 7pm on a Sat. Hello?
And then a week later when he called to see if my son received a book he’d sent, H commented about the iPhone out of the blue, “Well, I don’t have any programs on it that you have to worry about. I ONLY USE IT FOR WORK, I don’t want to be tempted.”
Two weeks ago I wanted to ask my old boss about a potential of hiring me back. I didn’t have her personal cell and didn’t want to call the main operator because I know they pull her from her station and she has to go through a big sign in, sign out routine to take that kind of call. Not the most considerate thing to do when you’re asking for work. SO… I have her friended on Facebook, which I haven’t used in probaby six months. I went on to message her, and what shows up on my wall in the first four lines? Notification that H has signed up for the newest mobile version of Facebook for iPhones, weeks ago. On that iPhone he “Avoids because it’s too tempting” and “is for work use only”.
And I know H used Facebook to keep in touch with his hookers without leaving a history on the computer. He finally admitted that. And 83% of hookers use Facebook instead of Craigslist now because there’s less traceable evidence of interactions there. But I did NOT accoust H about this. I waited. I wanted to see how long it would take before this came to light. Why does it matter, really, now?
Three weeks, and ticking, and then last night I blew it. H was talking about how his, now third, support group were helping him so much and he was so proud of not watching any videos or TV at ALL in the last three weeks (like I care, right?) because he just didn’t feel the urge. And he hasn’t used the web, either, since he’s been there, he bragged. Then I opened my big fat mouth and said, “Well, except for Facebook.”
He said “What, I don’t understand”
I said, “You signed up for the newest mobile version of Facebook on your iPhone.”
He said “No, I only use that phone for work.”
Me, “I see”
H “Oh…. that’s right. E (his daughter) told me that T (his mother’s sister) was trying to contact me and she (T) uses Facebook to keep in touch with the family so I signed on to find out what she wanted.”
Me “And that was work related?”
H “No”
Me “And more important that keeping your promise to accountability partners not to use web services on your phone?”
H ” I don’t understand”
Me “Your aunt doesn’t have a phone?”
H “Yes, but I dont’ have the number.”
Me “So, it was imperative that you break your promise to me and the counselors and your accountability partner to sign onto Facebook when E could have easily have gotten the answer and relayed it, she obviously knew what the issue was about, anyway.”
H “No, not imperative. I was just curious.”
Me “I see.”
H “I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it that way.”
Me “I see”
H five minute silence “I don’t have anything else to say”
Me “Ok, goodbye.”
And I toss and turn and have awful visions all night. Sweats. Tremors. Have to take a Xanax to stop the growing panic.
H exts me this morning at 8:30 as usual
“Good morning…”
I do not respond
H texts “Wish me luck at my meeting today.”
I kid you not. Like it never happened. And that is how he operates. So the dreams will not stop if I even have any connection to this, maybe even after I break all contact.
But I don’t know how to do that without H deciding to cut off all financial support, and I probably won’t collect a paycheck until Oct. I do know that for a fact, if I break all contact, there will be no deposits into the joint checking account. H has made that clear without ever having actually said it.Argh!!!!
I hate how I can make it all seem ok on the surface, but the dreams are vicious and the lack of sleep is severely affecting my health.
Interesting. When I was married to h most often than not my dreams were nightmares about him cheating on me!! Now that I am not married, and not in a relationship, i do not have cheating dreams. Hmmmmmm. He has never admitted it, however why all the cheating dreams? You just got me thinking.
Lynn,
I can’t even imagine how triggering it must be with him so far away. I’m sure that your imagination can go wild. (with all the past stuff as fodder).
I really hope that you made it to Nov. with your sanity intact. I used to have SA nightmares but they have lessened in frequency. If it’s your intent to exit stage left, have you thought about not checking what he’s doing? Just let him get on with his life and detach. (easier said than done, I know).
I’m still trying to work on my marriage (what’s left of it) so I check E-blaster to let me know if that’s a futile effort or not – but if I had decided to bail, I would stop and just coast. No point in giving your sub-conscious more material for nightmares.
Flora – I had dreams of my SAH screwing yoganana when he claimed he wasn’t – and he was. I think our sub-conscious picks up a lot that we aren’t aware of. It could also be that we can’t live around our rapist without being triggered all the time – even in our dreams. I keep thinking about that analogy as it rings so true.
Deb
Deb,
I don’t check on H at all. I avoid contact with H as much as possible. The Facebook notification was not something I looked for, it just popped up there on it’s own. I hadn’t even checked Facebook in months and months. That’s what is so bad about it. Even if I avoid H, and don’t talk to him, and don’t look at anything of his, there are still ties that flash red flags at me when I least expect it.
We had always read each night to my son, taking turns as to who reads. We have kept that up, at my son’s counselor’s request to help ease him through this transition. He is mildly depressed, and she said to be gentle with this or it could deepen. I am torn about that, knowing my own lack of hope for the family as a unit. But the counselor said to just let that storytime routine die on it’s own. Said as H loses his connection with us more and more he will be less and less reliable in that. And my son will see that it was not ME, but H who broke that bond and I will be less likely to have the rage that my daughter expressed ever since I left their father now seven years ago.
BUT, storytime has been the one thing H has not forgotten. I stopped even speaking into the phone, I just give it to my son when H calls. But then comes prayer time, when we all say prayers together. And H takes that time to tell me stuff, while son is getting his PJs on and getting settled for prayers. If I just hang up it looks really hostile to son. So I listen.
And sometimes, like yesterday, I just can’t keep my mouth shut and have to regret it.
Is this enabling. I have no idea. I tell H I don’t want to talk to him. When he tries to talk, I am usually silent or answer in 10 words or less. I just let my incredulity show yesterday, how stupid H thinks I am.
Lynn,
Glad to hear that you are detached. The nighttime routine must be hard to stomach every evening. I can’t even imagine how you do it.
Deb
Dear Lynn,
You are not yet detached, dear Girl. Thats ok but it would be better if you could detach. Detachment happens when you don’t love them anymore….it doesn’t mater what the books say- they are full of shit- detachment happens when you lose ALL hope. You are not quite there yet…that is why you have stupid conversations with your stupid husband? I KNOW THIS because I used to do it. NOW…I get the money thing because I do that too BUT I have NO DESIRE to engage in any conversations that involve you said this and then you did…….blah, blah, blah. You get the picture?? My husband just had heart surgery and it has been the least stressful event of my recent life. 🙂 I help him, I advise him….I even care for him… BUT I don’t lose ANY sleep over him? I KNOW he would not do the same for me because he didn’t? When I got breats cancer he abandoned me and fucked whores in my bed even more because I was tied up having radiation. I would not do anything to hurt him but if he were to die from complications…well…I think I would be ok as long as the life insurance is in place? THAT is detachment Lynn and it is VERY freeing. You are still allowing yourself to be disappointed. You still have expectations. You could let all that go, Lynn….especially with the torture porn….your h is not getting well anytime in our lifetime and he is not worth a shit? All he is good for is to give you money and financial support. Keep that coming until there is no advantage to you.Other than that….free yourself of him? You cannot possibly love him with who he is… so let it go. Grieve the loss but live in the reality that HE can never fill the loss? Get anything you can out of him BUT move on in every other way. Then the nightmares, PSTD ect will dissipate. Don’t throw good years after bad. He is a lost cause…you are NOT. Thats my best advice and it is sent with love. Karen x
Oh yeah….then u could focus on the REAL grief…which is will another man ever love or hold me again??? WELL…probably not as long as you are lindked to psycho dude…that goes for me too!! 😉
Did I say I was detached? I don’t remember that. I feel very judged by you, Karen, right now.
You have a right to your opinion, of course.
Karen, I would love to be able to detach like that. Just not to care about what he does, where he goes, not to wonder, not to be paralyized by fear and anxiety. Gosh, that sounds so freeing.
As for dreams, when I have nightmares they are often about my SA cheating, me finding more porn, him having a new girlfriend, him being very cruel to me. The hardest part is when I wake up because for 15-30 mins I feel and think it actually happened, and so I am living through all the real stress of the situation and terrible painful emotions. I toss and turn thinking “Why??!” and “How could he do this!!??” and “How can I stop this???” They are so vivid and real.
I used to have so many multiple nightmares per night, to the point I avoided and hated sleep, because it was so utterly draining and painful. Now they’re not as frequent, but if something big happens they usually increase again.
Last night I dreamed about my cat and she was talking, what a nice dream for once!
Lynng2 – I think Karen’s post was coming from a place of love –but I don’t know either of you offline at all. As we are trying to make our worlds safe after SA trauma, we do develop coda-like behaviors and the biggest one I developed was denial…denial is a good thing in some ways, it helps us survived some heavy duty stuff–when I was finally detached, then I could see my denial. I have no idea where you are at lynng2 but I do know that detachment as a healing stage comes after denial. Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me! 🙂
I have no recollection of my early post disclosure dreams. My SAH had been fired. I was nursing our 3rd child, pregnant with #4 and homeschooling the oldest two — all I remember was that I cried and I slept. Now I dream about my First Time and what it would be like to be with Him again. ;-D
How am I supposed to love a man that fucked hookers while I was pregnant with his children? Is THAT in any fucking book? Any stupid therapist want to answer that??
Fuck ’em…
Waste your love on them all you want but it will get you no where but heart broken AGAIN and broke from therapy bills.
Couple of months ago I had a dream where I was hugging my ex, Oh so happy to see him. Then I realized what I was doing, and who he was, and I felt the hate and the disgust creep in. I started to wipe my arms off as if they had become dirty from him. I woke up wiping my arms.
Two nights ago I was held hostage at a bank. I was with my kids…
oh, wait a minute, that was a dream two nights ago? of course.. you’ve been held hostage. what a perfect metaphor.
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