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Some women stay and try to work things out and others chose to high tail it out. I have read Joann’s post on the “old” board and would love to hear why you chose to leave? I am going to start another one on chosing to stay so we have the two differing views in seperate sections!
Hi lory,
Sadly it has taken me almost 3 years to reach this point of no return.
I have come to realise that divorce is the only option for me because:
My porn addicted husband is still in total denial.Even if he did finally wake up, realise that he has a problem and actively seek help – as with any addiction, even after therapy he would still always be potentially in danger of relapse. I can’t and won’t live with that constant threat hanging over my head.
More than anything I need to be able to trust the person I share my life with. I would NEVER be able to trust my husband enough to be able to live a happy and carefree life with him, never be able to let myself fall again. Always be suspicious and frightened. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life.
A sex/porn addict doesn’t even need to watch porn or act out, his choice of drug is right in his head. I can’t even bear to sit near my husband anymore, I see him tapping into his ‘spank-bank’ constantly…he is ‘dreaming’, staring into space, lost in his sexual fantasies and it MAKES ME SICK!
I don’t want to continue having to watch him eying up other women up , regardless of where we are – and ignoring me. I know he can’t help it and it’s not about me but that doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me feel like a worthless, unattractive piece of dirt, and I know deep down I am beautiful, loveable and attractive.
I can forgive but I can’t forget. Divorcing my husband will at least give me less reason to be reminded of this sheer horror he’s been putting me through. I want to heal, staying in this marriage would never truly enable me to feel ‘free’ of what he’s done to me and our marriage.
I don’t want to live without fulfilling sex or emotional closeness for the rest of my life.
There are more reasons, many more, but those are the main ones that instantly came to mind.
HI Lori and Mortified,
My SA is working really really hard on recovery. But I have found the traits of an underlying personality disorder remain even though he is sexually sober. I just don’t want to be with an emotionally unavailable man who has to work 24/7 just not to lie to me. And I want to be desired as a woman — not a convenient release source. And I don’t want to be shadowed by the spectre of his emotional incestuous mother. I care about him deeply. I love him. But he is not a partner for life. He never was. It was a lie. So now, it’s a matter of choosing all over again, and knowing what I know now, I would never choose him. So I’m divorcing him.Hi lori,
I’m divorcing him because he doesn’t deserve me. I’m not being egotistical because I’m well aware of my many faults but I deserve to be happy, loved, cherished, paid attention to, supported in tough times and to be treated with kindness, just as I treat others.I’d rather have a life of my own making. One that is calm, hopeful and truly mine. My space. My energy. This is who I am.
Mortified,
I totally know what you mean. I have had that thought as well. When they spend so much time viewing graphic images, they do actually store it. So I think you are right, their brains are like a computer hard drive, and it is stored. They can recall it at any time. To think they can still recall those memories and images; still fantasize about and masturbate too? not to mention also with us? (or in my case used to be with me).So I think yes you are totally right. Even after they so call stop, they still have it in their memory.
I have not done anything yet, but have been leaning this way for the whole year. Kicked the SA out about three months ago.
We have three kids, a house, and two dogs and the bills to go with it all. I really can’t do it on my own, but can make ti work. We will have to make some sacrifices, but it will be worth it. I can;t live a life of lies and with someone who can lie to me with such ease. This life is not for me. I keep hoping that anyday he will pull it together and show how sorry he is and really just get it!!! But it has now almost been a year and it is just not going to happen. In addition my SA is incredibly passive and porbably the aggressive part as well. He hardly works, and does so now due to my demands. He only helped out around the house, only due to my demands. I got tired of being his mommy and constantly telling him what to do. Because if i did not tell him to do anything, he did nothing. this is not how someone should be. I put my values and my drive and goals, on this man. Who really is just riding on my drive, my dreams and my life. He has made no effort but to stand by the sidelines and let me do everything. The addiction is just the straw that broke the camels back. In the beginning I had hoped that the addiction was the root of all the other slacking behaviors, but unf. that was not it. It all continues. Unf. for me, my family, and our stiutation nothing has changed. I keep that window of hope, but after a year the answers have been made for me.
Hi Flora,
Always get so much out of your comments and you write really well too! I was wondering if your husband is aware of your decision to divorce if you feel comfortable about answering. Also, if he started to turn the corner would you give him more time or are you pretty well done? The reason Im asking is because Im considering divorce because I just cant handle any more pain and trauma. Hes going to outpt treatment and acts like hes committed but his actions show otherwise. How long should I give this whatever he is!Hi NAP, Thank You! My boss would say otherwise though, he drives me nuts.
Anyway. I don’t mind answering. No he does not know yet. I feel i don;t need to tell him until my decision is final. But he did ask the question last week if we are headed for divorce? My response was that I have seen no changes and that it is up to him to convey those changes. I know you will be shocked, but even after that conversation nothing has happened. I think my Sa husband falls into the category where he physically will do nothing and make me do everything. so if I am content with that kind of life, we would still have a marriage and hope. But I am not. I do have to say however slim the chance, if I did see a huge turn around, I would wait and see. But we are talking alot that he would have to do here. Including getting a good job, taking care of things on his own, sharing in his recovery and his struggles, and showing that he wants to be a 50% partner in this relationship versus 5-10%.
But the window is open until i file, after that there is not much chance once I have made up my mind.
I don’t know how long you should give him. Are you happy otherwise, if I recall the answer is no. Are there other things in your relationship which trouble you? I could not take the pain and trauma anymore either, that is how he got the boot. I also stopped actively trying to help or support him, as i go no response from him. So i figured why waste my time. I guess it is one day at a time, until one day you decide you have had enough…or decide no matter how long you wait…things will never change. And even less the addiction you will not be happy. That is the case for me. Just stopping the acting out is not enough.
Hope this helps! Hope you are doing well NAP.
I want a divorce. Unfortunately my SA wiped us out of all our savings, and I have a little one who is about to turn 2, plus a surgery coming up for myself. When I called a friend of mine who is an attorney, I found out that I cannot even afford the cost of serving him with papers. It’s frustrating to feel so trapped. I have kicked my SA out several times, only to have him come back here due to finances and the fact that I have a knee injury that requires surgery, and it’s difficult enough to run after a toddler with a hurt knee, but shoveling copious amounts of snow and everything else on top of it is near to impossible at this point.
However
I have my surgery date set, and I’m hoping that once my knee is fixed and I finish the rehab {which will be lengthy} I can find a job and then set things in motion. My SA most certainly knows I am leaning towards this decision, because I noticed on his cell phone that he has called an attorney friend of his as well.
Living with him has been sheer horror as I am constantly reminded of what he has done, and what he continues to do, and I can’t stand to look at his face, or even hear my little one call him “dada”, because I feel so much guilt inside of me that my beautiful little girl has to call this piece of crap her father for the rest of her life.
Sigh.Hi Flora,
Thanks for sharing with me-admire you so much. I think you head is really on straight! Im just hoping Ill be able to keep my head on straight-its the only way to get through this. Your friend, NAPI decided to go back in time to read older threads because I find the search function very difficult. Anyway, I thought this thread was interesting and would love to see it updated and get other opinions. I am going through all the steps of the divorce, but I am doing it without really wanting to… I just think it will be better for my life in the long run. But it’s so hard because it’s like I don’t really “believe” in what I’m doing, if that makes sense…
Eliza, I sympathize with what you are doing. I can’t imagine moving forward until I am 100% there, just like I did with my first divorce but he wasn’t a sa.
As best I can tell mine has only been into porn and has embraced recovery drastically better since kicking him out for 5 mos last year on Mar 10th after catching him at the adult bookstore by way of the GPS I had installed in his truck.
He’s embracing recovery drastically but not 100% IMO because of his failure to switch to a CSAT that he finds himself from his marriage therapist (he sees her alone) who is not certified in sa. I won’t truly ever believe its whole hearted recovery until he goes to a CSAT. We’ve been roommates since mid Dec which works great for me. I’ve ceased ANY AND ALL physical contact to his dismay since he was a big hand holder, hugger and kisser, sex with me was a chore for him so I ended all affections. I get all the perks of a two income home as I pay down debt and a man who adores my children and is mr mom to them while I’m working more to pay off things faster. The downside is zero sex but I’m fine with it for now because it’s not like I was getting it before on any regular basis.
I feel the longer this continues as my debt also shrinks I’m moving even farther to the left emotionally. I was trying to picture us recently in an intimate moment down the road and I couldn’t even see it. To me, we make great roommates. We aren’t fussing or fighting and since I don’t have a roving eye this is working great for me for now.
Yet I know me. I know in my heart when I’m done then I’m done and that will be a sad day for everyone except me. Like my first divorce I will have a renewed pep in my step and make plans for my new life minus him and I will be smiling and feel a sense of relief the old life’s about over.
I just wish I knew how close that is for me. I can’t stand to regret something or doubt big decisions I make so I can’t pull any triggers until all of my what ifs and if onlys have been spent. Then that’s the day all goes BANG!, unless I learn he relapsed then I’m out immediately.
“I know in my heart when I’m done then I’m done and that will be a sad day for everyone except me.”
Hear that Sister.
I chose divorce when the locks got changed on me , I went to a motel, was served divorce papers 5 days later. Then, I realized it was over. I can’t thank him enough.
I chose divorce because I had had enough. I know now what I needed to know after 27 years I may add. Im a slow learner LOL. I painfully watched him distance himself more and more from me and the children. I did not try to keep him in this marriage as I saw his struggles. So I reason that the marriage was over a long time ago, even though I am only now in the process of divorce. I am just doing the legal bit, he did the others like breaking my trust, breaking our vows etc
Like For-Now, I hate to have regret about big decisions so one of the main reasons I stay for now is “regret avoidance” but is that any way to live? One of the posters from two years ago – not sure who b/c she’s listed as a deleted user said this:
“I’m divorcing him because he doesn’t deserve me. I’m not being egotistical because I’m well aware of my many faults but I deserve to be happy, loved, cherished, paid attention to, supported in tough times and to be treated with kindness, just as I treat others.”
Love that! Btw, Eliza, love how your reviving all these old threads. Kind of sad though that it’s like deja vu – a lot of different sisters, dealing with the same questions and issues.
Too bad there’s no way to have a “where (or how) are they now?” feature on SOS. It would be so interesting to hear how the sisters who have gone before are doing a year or two later. Did those who were going to stay do so? Are those who left happy? We have a few “after life” Sisters who are still here sharing with us and their input is invaluable. Diane and SL are two I can think of off hand and there are other who are on their way to the “after life” like Stephanie and Pam C.
I don’t have the “regret avoidance” thing at all. I usually just make a decision and roll with it. I never regret doing so. If I find that I have made a mistake then I go back and try to fix what I can.
It’s the kids stopping my decision making process. If it was just me then I would leave. I might go back to him, I might love him agin, he might remarry and me regret it…..but I would take those chances if it was just me.
Daisy, you have the best scenario going. He is away but you talk and see each other. You are healing and he is working on his stuff. You can be alone and think. I think that is probably the best way to do it. Get some space if you can.
I agree with you both. This is absolutely the best way if you can work it out. I am fortunate that my kids are older so I don’t need the day to day help with parenting, etc. The only thing I can’t really do on my own is get my 114 pound dog to walk on a leash without me bouncing across the ground behind him if he takes off. 🙂
I chose divorce because my husband cheated on me a “second time”. After the “first” affair and his repentence, I swore that I would leave if he ever cheated on me again. When I found evidence of that second affair, 20 years later, I filed for divorce.
Of course, now I know more. You can multiply those two affairs by many more.. who really knows. My husband probably doesn’t remember all the partners at this point.
I was married to the kind of man I loathe. No respect for women, wives, mothers.
Whatever
I choose to leave this hell behind.As I go forward I will try to update my status and let you all know if I am still sane. Right now, I feel much better. I know that I am not crazy and imagining things. I have hope in a happy (non-traumatized) future.
My daughter is 34. If she were in this situation, even with her two young sons, I would tell her to run for the exit. This is one of the most difficult addictions ever. (Very sad when you wish that your husband had a mere cocaine habit…)
Be smart, be strong.
Kandice
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