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Nap, I don’t know how many full-blown SA’s are female. However, like you, my h didn’t see me as a sexual being once he dove head-first into acting out with every employee and customer he could engage. (I thought this poor man was either asexual or his blood pressure meds screwed with his libido -Oy!) So, with that neglect came my own sexual fantasy world which I would retreat to whenever I was bored or stressed or just needed to zone out. I think that this is addictive behavior. Which came first though, the chicken or the egg?
Hi Lylo,
I thought too my h had something wrong and I made him go to the Dr to get his testosterone checked. And guess what? It was super low and the Dr put him on patches and they didn’t get the level high enough. Then the Dr put him on the shots and I think my H would give himself a little extra (oh shit!). That was 10 ys ago and since then life has been a BIG BLUR….I have become celebate (not by choice, more like by default) and I plan to have LOTS of sex with my next partner (George Clooney). And I don’t care if he dumps me in 2 years because I have experience. I think in my next life I would like to come back as a flower.
Love, NapTwo years with George on Lake Como…sigh. I wish that for you! As long as you know that that man seems to have built in expiration dates on his relationships…
It is incomprehensible that we, as grown women not naive 20 year olds, could have read them so wrong! Testosterone shots? Holy crap!
Even if you don’t cross paths with George, I know that a fabulous guy is out there for you. I met a friend (no sex) while I was separated that I was really drawn to. Solid guy, interesting, integrity plus, etc. We danced around the possibility of a relationship, but he fled when he realized how ambivalent I still was about my marriage. My h is the charming, lovable type. I kind of feel like I am married to the boy-toy and sometimes fantasize about the real deal guy. Supposed to be the other way around!Lylo,
I didn’t remember that you were separated. Is your husband repentant and working recovery? Is he sexual with you now?
Curious, debora
Hi Deborah, I lived at my mothers and a friends guesthouse for a few months. I moved back in really just to manage my daughters wedding. I didn’t want to go back to living out of bags and suitcases, so I’ve stayed. You know, he became the most amorous, genuine lover immediately upon disclosure. Finally. He is totally committed to his recovery, my well-being, etc. He just won’t talk to me about ‘it’ and so I now I live in another bedroom. He regularly comes to me in tears to apologize for the destruction he has caused, but shuts down if I try to ask anything. Our therapist is working with us separately now to try to unlock this, I believe. I just can’t be sexual with someone who is withholding the key to me really moving forward. How are you? Is your husband in a program now?
Hi Lylo,
Getting back online…we were boating and enjoying the downtown Film Festival. Yay! A break!.
Interesting that your H is so attentive now and interesting that he is so apologetic but won’t talk about “it”.
That is like my H but mine is not amorous because he is intimately anorexic. He is also sorry but does not understand the extent of the damage. He will only talk about sexual issues if I ask and will only answer a direct question. He is being nice and wants things to blow over. He says he doesn’t want it the way it was before. By that he means that he wasn’t happy with me and that is why he acted out, blaming me. He has read one book this past year and has stated he will not go see a CSAT. We have had one joint session with our regular counselor.
I met with my counselor today and she said we need the specialist help. She said I can make my requests during joint session to have support, so it doesn’t seem like an ultimatum, although it might be. He has learned quite a bit, is not sexually acting out but is not in a recovery program and is definetely not even aware of how intimately anorexic he is. So that is my biggest pain. If he won’t get moving or isn’t willing to address the issues with real recovery tools, then there is no hope for the marraige.
He has apologized for withholding from me all these years and has said he is willing to learn some sexual skills but he has only actually done a few things in this past year. Of course, it isn’t just about skills but connection. In his mind he thinks he’s really working it though. And to be fair, there have been times when he has tried to approach me and I couldn’t receive his advance because of my pain.
So, I get what you’re saying there about being sexual with someone who is withholding the key to your moving forward. Or, to be honest here, I’m wondering if I can move forward after all this even if he did voluntarily seek his own recovery and pursue me voraciously. He did bend down and kiss me once, and I felt a spark of hope but he cannot sustain intimacy. It’s like he would need a little translation guide in his pocket to refer to at all times.
We sleep in the same bed and touch feet and sometimes hug and have sex, but I am afraid to open my heart up to him and I think that the closeness and the sex complicates or obscures the issues.
My counselor again suggested a healing seperation, like Diane had mentioned, to untangle the familiarity and emotion from the issues. I don’t know if I could live in another bedroom and be normal in life.
Lylo, you have a beautiful voice, are so loving and have great compassion in your struggle. Do you both see a counselor? Do you have a plan for full reconcilaition or divorce?
How do you handle working together and with the people he acted out with?
Love, Debora
Hi Debora!
It sounds like you were having fun together and thats so great. It doesn’t sound like he has gotten to the place of full remorse, though and I’m sure that is disheartening for you. We did have alot of sex in the beginning (reclaiming my place) but like you said, the closeness and the sex obscure the fact that there is serious work to be done and issues to resolve. Do you feel like it is prolonging the inevitable, whatever that may be?We have fun together and it is business as usual in many ways as I live here and life goes on, but I don’t like the ‘usualness’ of it because I don’t want him to get too comfy before I’m sure he’s going to finish the job. I think maybe your husband is comfortable too? But you are not? I hate to be manipulative and I want sex, but not with this stuff between us. I want to be fully committed. There is a quick little book (80 pgs) that we read that your husband might read that sums up what the betrayed spouses need and why and what succesful re-builders need to do. It is called ‘How to help your spouse heal from your affair’ but it addresses infidelity wounds in general, and has is a great little road map
We both see a counselor and the goal is true intimacy but she says it’s a long process. With full disclosure and real intimacy I could committ to the marriage because he now sees his lack of integrity in all of the areas of his life. He really wants to be, and has become a better man. He doesn’t think this counselor is terribly effective though so thats unfortunate. We are now working together for the first time in four years because the location I ran has closed. The one woman he played with that does still work for us works in a location (there are now just 2) that I am only at one day a week and she isn’t there that day. He no longer goes to that location at all. She is suing us for sexual harassment in regards to one of our managers so we have to tiptoe around her and it’s disgusting. The depositions from our staff in regards to the sexual favors she has doled out in the workplace…ugh. How could he be so stupid. Don’t get me started.
I think that healing separation is wise, Debora. I hope you have the means to make that happen so that you both can move forward.
With full disclosure and real intimacy I could committ to the marriage because he now sees his lack of integrity in all of the areas of his life and really wants to be, and has become a better man. He doesn’t think this counselor is terribly effective though so thats unfortunate.
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement Deborah. I go to a Tuesday breakfast each week with whichever friends and family can show up and i often think how wonderful it would be if some of us had the opportunity to get together like that. Love to you,
Lylo
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