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On Monday I’m going to Los Angeles (3 hour drive from home) to see a shoulder specialist to discuss a possible tendon transfer surgery on my left shoulder. This will be the 3rd surgery on this shoulder and this doctor comes highly recommended for his expertise in rotator cuff injuries. I want to be sure that this doctor (as I do with all my doctors) knows all my health issues and that includes my mental and emotional state. I have no problem with my H driving me down there and having him in the examining room as the doctor looks at the MRI and gives his advice on the situation. My H needs to know the seriousness of my situation and what to expect after surgery. But ….
When it comes time to discuss with the doctor about my mental and emotional state, do you think it’s advisable for me to ask my H to leave the room? I would like the doctor to hear me speak of my situation without me having to hesitate my description wondering what the trip home would be like after H hears me discuss his actions and their affects on me. Or …
Do I ask H to wait for me in the waiting room while I go in by myself?
Even though I have been detaching from him and he feels it without asking any questions, when this surgery is done I will need his help. He’s been on his best behavior because he feels me becoming stronger emotionally and he can’t figure out why. I don’t want to do anything that will jeopardize the situation.
It’s a touch spot to be in. Part of me says let him stay in the room while I tell the doctor the truth and let him hear it. Another part of me wants to ask him to leave the room, because that will have an impact that will leave him thinking I’ve got secrets I don’t want him to know.
Life should not have to be so damn complicated.
ClaireWhy don’t you call or email and ask to speak to the doc privately for a few minutes before you take the trip?
Kick his ass out of the room, Claire. No need for him to be privy to your conversation with the doctor.
Absolutely show him the door.
THis is your health, Claire, and we already know he’s not good for your health.I asked my H to leave the room when I was delivering my child (before I knew anything about SA) because I wanted some privacy. I also didn’t want anyone to know my actual weight ( shallow but true). I did not feel bad for a second. he argued but I wouldn’t talk to the nurse until he left. I had some questions and some things I wanted private.
Your H needs to know about the surgery and he needs to hear about the recovery. That’s all he needs.
I am so sorry that you are in this position sweet Claire. I will help you any way I can.
March – my local doctor, who referred the specialist, is good friends with the specialist and speaks to him frequently. I personally asked him to discuss my case with him before my appointment and he said absolutely he would. He knows I’m scared and I’ve been a good patient of his for over 3 years now.
Liza – Sometimes I wish you wouldn’t beat around the bush so much and just get to the point! 🙂 I agree with your statement, but there is part of the discussion I need him to be involved in.
Diane – I love your picture, you are so pretty. I’m leaning toward asking him to leave the room when I need to talk personally with the doctor.
Bev – I can totally see you wanting child birth to be private. That’s just the way you are. Nothing wrong with that. Thank you so much for offering to help in any way you can. That means so very much to me. Someday we’ll have that cup of coffee at the kitchen table. 🙂Claire, I was just thinking that if you talked to him about the private stuff ahead of time, you could circumvent any possible drama.
I think a discussion before you arrive is a good choice, that way the doctor can assess that on his own before the surgery and may have some suggestions he can share with your H that will help him help you in recovery.
Claire, When you get callled from the waiting room, go in by yourself. They will need to get vital signs, go over your med list, etc. That will be done by a med tech or a nurse. When the doctor comes in to the exam room, let him know immediately, that you have some things you would like him to know reagrding your situation. Them tell him whatever it is you want to tell. Explain that your h is in the waiting room and that you would like him called in for the exam of your shoulder or the results of your MRI or discussion about surgery and what to expect before, during and after. That way the doctor knows what you are dealing with before he meets your h. He can then explain in great detail, what you will need from your h during recovery. Trying to snag a busy dr at the end of the visit for a private chat is much harder than right when he walks into the exam room. In my nurse’s opinion 🙂
Holy shit! I was just sitting at the dining room table filling out all the paperwork for the appointment on Monday when my dog Lucy started barking frantically in the backyard. Then my other two dogs ran out to see what was going on. All three barking and me running out there. There was a huge rattlesnake all coiled up and rattling like crazy. It sounded loud, like a hose with a leak. Last year Lucy was bit by a rattlesnake and we damn near lost her. It was all I could do to get all three dogs rounded up and put in the house, locking the doggy door behind me. I got my BB gun and a shovel (because all our fucking firearms were confiscated due his penis activities) and as I stood there staring that damn snake down, he’s still hissing and rattling, I grabbed my phone and called the neighbor. Thank goodness they had just gotten home. he comes over with a gun and says that BB gun would have just pissed him off and you likely would have gotten bit (great). He shoots him in the head once and chops the head off with the shovel. The thing is still squirming and trying to strike. He buried the head in the open field, it will take upwards of 2 weeks for the venom to drain from the snake head. He asked me if i wanted the rest of the snake . . . “um NO, you can have it!”. His wife came through the pasture to the fence and i spilled my guts that I don’t know how much longer i can do this. I didn’t want my neighbors to know (I don’t know why) but now she knows. And she said the way you are being treated in town by folks is disgusting. Someone, she says, should give you respect and credit for trying to work things out. I appreciated her comments, and she’s a gossipper, knows alot of people, I’m sure she won’t keep this quiet. Oh well. So I texted SA a picture of the snake, told him the neighbor guy came and took care of it. He asked if I wanted him to come home. I said no. Then I couldn’t get the fucking gate closed that the neighbor came through, I can’t let the dogs out until I get the gate closed. I texted SA that I’m getting a fucking hammer and beat the shit out of this gate until it locks closed (he was going to fix it so many times). He said I can come home. i said nope. Done. I have no idea if I ruined the gate or not but it’s not opening or closing right now and i don’t fucking care!!! But my shoulder hurts like hell! Another pain pill and I’ll be alright. Jesus fucking Christ!
Claire,
you’ve had one too many snakes in your life.of course you didn’t need the other snake to come home.
but hot damn woman, you are something!
HaHaHa Diane! I mean, shit, you’ve just got to laugh sometimes. I guess if i couldn’t kill the snake myself, I got some gratification by beating the crap out the gate. I had a hammer and a mallett! Maybe I’ll keep those tools close by for when SA gets home. When he walks through the door I’ll have the hammer in my hand and yell “stand still there’s a snake in your pants” and then have at it!!!! Oh yeah. I feel better now!
Use the shovel instead of the hammer Claire and then you won’t have to get as close to the “snake”!! 🙂 I would have stood there screaming and wringing my hands. You are a real ranch girl taking care of business like that!
claire, holy crap you are brave.
i think the rattlesnake is a perfect metaphor for SAs… just substitute an SA for the whole story… a BB gun would have just pissed him off and you would have been bitten, it takes two weeks for the venom to clear from the head… do you want the body, no you take it. perfect.
Goodness, Claire, like you need more drama!
I’m glad your neighbor was supportive of you- both killing the snake and respecting you handling your marriage your way.
At this point, anything she says can’t be worse than what is already out there, can it? Maybe someone telling the world you are human and you are having a hard time is okay? (At least that is what I am hearing from your story.)
And you know what I think, Claire? Go in on your own and talk to the doctor yourself. Then ask him if he can explain whatever it is you want your husband to know.
I have had surgeries, ablations, babies, all kinds of procedures, and dr. evil never went to a doctor’s appointment with me. And many times I found my own help or even ride home afterwards, too, because he wouldn’t take off work. I had gall bladder surgery 2 months after I kicked him out and a week before I took Bat to India.
You can do this, Claire. You are stronger than you think you are.
Wow!! I was so scared for you all reading that. So glad the snake(s) is/are gone killed and beheaded with a shovel, no less. (LOL) The venom is draining, and the neighbors are on your side. AND you beat the gate shut without SA help. No injuries except maybe SA’s pride, and a gate he was supposed to fix but didn’t.
That is quite a metaphor. What a story, Claire. So glad you and your pups are okay.
God, Claire, I’d rather square off with EVERY last SA on this site before a snake – and I’m talking garter snake – but a fucking rattlesnake???? You are a pioneer woman!
“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” ~ A.A. Milne
Claire,
This is what I would do (not that you have to do this of course). I would go into the appt alone for the physical assessment and then you can share your emotional info. After that’s all done, the nurse can call in h and the Dr. can explain the proceedure and what you needs will be. That way your h is informed on the ‘need to know’ stuff.
Love, NapxoThe rattlesnake was a blessing Claire. Now this neighbour can get to work clearing your name in town.
I would call ahead and speak to the doctor (if possible). He definitely needs to know your situation and he needs to be very clear to you H just what will be required from him to assist you in your rehabilitation and recovery. xoThank you ladies for all your advice on speaking to the doctor and the snake metaphors. It’s funny that the snake episode happened when it did as it took my mind off of the other troubles. I could not get ahold of the doctor but it’s okay. I’ll go with my gut when I get there. It’s a long 3 hour drive with someone I don’t want to be with and depending on his behavior on the trip, I’ll decide when I get there what I think I should do. I don’t ignore my gut anymore.
As for the snake episode, I had a a thought yesterday. It’s imperative when you live out here in the foothills to have a gun for protection from such predators. It’s SA’s fault that our guns (and one of those was mine, a brand new 22 shot gun that I hadn’t even shot once yet) were taken away. So, in my effort to ask for a seperation (when I get all healed up) I can use that to my advantage. I mean, he’s gone all the time, only here at night, he might as well be gone all the time and then that way I can get my gun back. I can have a gun, but he can’t due to the restraining order place on him by his previous employer. So as long as he lives here, no gun. He goes, I get the gun! I like that idea a lot! Get rid of husband and get a gun. Sounds like a saying from the south! Or a country song. BTW – rest in peace George Jones, I love his music.
Dear Claire. What a story!
I see the gun as the metaphor more than the snake.
You H is the reason you have no protection against the predators surrounding your home. These predators can even harm your dogs who are traditionally guard animals.
The gun is the solution? That symbol (at least in your situation) of self-protection?
Hmmm…About your surgery. I agree with the sisters that you need to do what is best for your health. I especially like Trish’s suggestion – go in by yourself, then ask your husband to join so that the doc can explain the needs and requirements and how best he can be of help.
On another note, and I understand this is not my place to chime in, but here it goes: Rethink your surgery!
We all know what this trauma does to your mental and physical health. At the place where I work, patients are turned away if they are facing important psychological challenges before any medical intervention is offered. A third surgery is a big deal and from my understanding, more often than not, surgeries do not help chronic pain, usually they make it worse. Again, surgery fails to offer relief and at times makes pain worse especially when there are psychological pressures. Of course you will decide what is best for you. I just wanted to offer this from my experience for you to consider.PROBLEM SOLVED!
I was feeling uncomfortable about us being gone all day on Monday (tomorrow) due to the recent rattlesnake find in the backyard. If one of the dogs got bit while we were gone they would be dead by the time we got home. Evidently, my SA was thinking the same way. He brought it up last night while we were BBQing. I told him that maybe I should just go by myself. (The problem with that is for some 30 years I’ve had a fear of the Los Angeles freeway system and I would not go there if my life depended on it. I had a bad experience getting lost and dealing with some unsafe people in raunchy areas when I was by myself years ago) Well, I decided that it’s time to get over it. I’m going to take this trip by myself and it’s going to be just fine. I have a Garmin in the car and I just updated the software on it. I already programmed it for my destination. Even if I take a wrong freeway or turn, it will set me straight. Since I’ve been thinking about this overnight and looking at the maps on Google Maps, I’ve actually become excited about my new adventure. This is a fear that I’ve harbored for way too long. If I’m going to get out of this situation I need to prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. I’m also planning on worst case scenario and that’s if the doctor’s there tell me something I’m not prepared to hear and it upsets me. If that’s the case I’m bringing an overnight bag and I’ll treat myself to a hotel room and relax and enjoy being SA free for a whole night and not have to worry about feeding animals or protecting them. In fact, the more I think about it, maybe I should just do that anyway, whether I need to or not just to have a little getaway. No, we can’t afford it, but maybe I will anyway.
Part of this decision is made easy by my seeing other sisters do what’s right for them. Like, Catherine. She has a much longer trip and legitimate fears, if she can do it, so can I.
Much love, Claire
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