What Would You Tell Her

Hi NAP
My knee-jerk response is ‘Run like the wind!!!’ but it really depends on where this person was in their recovery and how committed to it he was. If I am unable to move forward with my husband, I really think the next person he is with would be a lucky lady. I remember crying to my mother about this – that it just wouldn’t be fair that someone else could have a loving relationship with this man that I have cherished and cared for all of these years and she wouldn’t have this horrible heartache. Sounds selfish, I know. Bottom line is that if someone is an admitted addict, they are probably in recovery. The commitment to it would be key.

NAP – If it was my children, a close friend or someone who came to me for information, I would share what I have learned and direct them to resources so they can inform themselves. Most women do not understand the concept of sex addiction and how deep the rabbit hole can go. Did he disclose to her or just admit in a SA group? Last week I went to an SA partner group and met a new woman 44, who has been married two years. she has had crazymaking trouble in the marraige and in talking stepchild arrangements with the exwife found out about his porn and cross-dressing issues. Now she’s all, “I believe he’s changed, yadda,” but she has moved out 3 times in two years because of his anger and control, etc. Even if he’s not acting out he has the dry drunk syndrome. That’s no fun to live with either. Would she have married him, sold her house and quit her job, if she had known? I know I would want someone to tell me. And if I entered a new relationdhip, I would have a talk with his exwife and get to know his good friends. I wish I had done that with this marraige.

Lylo – I think the very same thing about him moving on and him having a wonderful new relationship with another woman, while I am stuck in a low paying job and going to school at 54 to get a career. Truthfully though, I don’t think his new relationship will play out that way. It might be fabulous during the courtship, but eventually we all show who we really are. I’ve seen this over and over in relationships around me. My SA carried his baggage from one relationship to another. The older they are it seems they are less likely to change as well. We saw my husbands former wife at a wedding years ago, we sat in the family section, she sat farther away with her children from a new marraige. She kept looking at us and crying, like it should have been her there. We looked so good, but I was now living her life, and she must have forgotten what that was like. Before he asked me to marry him, he asked her if they could reconcile and first she laughed at him and then she cried. He moved all his crap over to my life. It is not easy to make these life decisions. I’m struggling to face the truth about what has happened in my marraige and do whatever I can with my husband to resolve these issues, but it is all up to him to admit, do his work and initiate change. It’s been a year since the first bout of violence and six months since the porn bomb and he still hasn’t acknowledged the SA concept or been willing to look at the material and consider more targeted therapy. Denial. And how long do we do this wait and see while our lives pass us by? I think it is good to journal or at least make a list of things they do and say, so that if the time comes that you have to leave, you can remind yourself why you left.

Kudos to you Debora and all of you who are sometimes hopeful, but still building your own foundation for your future. I really admire you. I love the idea about journaling and regret that I didn’t do it earlier. My husband was married for a year before me and I knew her. I remember feeling badly that she would look at us also and feel like I was in her spot. Then last year I couldn’t help but think ‘she got out in her early twenties!’ How amazing that a single conversation in my backyard has re-colored my whole adult life. I’m sure it was like that for all of us.

That Dday was Sept 09 and there have been additional revelations about the past since. He said his recovery began that moment and that the power of confessing was key to him facing what he was and how he wanted his life to be from that moment on. He struggles with his narcissism and selfishness but is sincere about wanting to transform himself into a man of integrity. He felt that he was probably ending his marriage by telling me but I asked a pointed question about an incident and he finally had to let it go. He just couldn’t live in the mud anymore. I so wish that for all of you. It is so painful for me just to deal with the past and I pray for strength and wisdom for those of you that still have the acting out or honesty issues that some of you are facing, especially those with young children.