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Hello all,
So – now that my SAH has finally recognized his addiction (as of last week), he said that he is coming up with a plan of what to do about it. He has this “control” aversion (which I heard many addicts do) – so I’m waiting to see if he takes his recovery seriously. He goes to therapy once a week (with a trauma therapist) who has gotten him to the “recognition” step (although he only admits that the last affairs was “out of control” and the pros, CL ads, etc. weren’t part of it – but that he was just “lonely”).
He is “trying” out some 12 step meetings but he says he’s not sure if they are for him – and he said he was going to do a disclosure but then said he didn’t want my therapist there. He said that he now recognizes his “slipperly slope” behaviors and is stopping them.
So – what behaviors show REAL Recovery?
I have come up with a few, but I’m sure that there are more:
1) Remorse for their behavior.
2) Full responsibility for their behavior/addiction.
3) Complete honesty and openness.What else shows that an SA is serious about their recovery?
Annie posted this on another thread.
I was very glad to find Michele Saffier’s site the other day. She’s a breath of fresh air in a world of weirded-out Carnesian therapists.Excerpt from her site:
Having worked with hundreds of couples in failing marriages due to infidelity (masturbation with pornography is a betrayal) since 1993, following are the top 10 behaviors the “betrayer” can do to restore trust and promote the healing of complex wounds of the betrayed partner-
1. Have gratitude every day that your partner has stayed with you another day
2. Rebuild trust with right thinking and right behavior.
3. Remain always humble and contrite
4. Thank your partner every day for staying with you
5. Remember that your words mean nothing because you lied, cheated, betrayed the most sacred and vulnerable relational expectation – that you would remain faithful. Consistent action every day heals
6. Remind yourself that committing adultery is selfish
and self-centered. You were thinking only of what you wanted when you acted out.
7. Act selfless and other-centered. Ask your partner about the hurt, pain, and sadness you have caused every day
8. Readily admit your wrongs
9. Remind yourself it is better to be happy than to be right. Forego petty arguments and let go of your ego. Remember what you did.
10. Live in the truth that, for your partner, your marriage is over. The marriage your partner thought was real was a lie.Trust must be rebuilt for a marriage to be rebuilt. Begin now. Stop apologizing and start behaving with integrity and humility.
http://traumahealingpa.com/uncategorized/tips-for-saving-your-marriage
Wow Bonnie. I love this post. Gosh if I could of had 7 out of 10 on a regular basis, I might not be leaving our marriage!
I think Conistency is real recovery. No off/on flip on a dime. They are conistently doing the work, they STOPPED all together, the porn and acting out. And are consistantly working toward rebuilding trust.
I hear hell is freezing over. anyone up for skiing?
that is how attainable I feel it is for my SAH. awww well. boo hoo. wah wah. wtf and whatever.
I hear you sister! Thank Annie for it–she was the one who originally posted it. This is EXACTLY what “real” recovery would look like!
When I saw this I 1)knew it was exactly what I needed to heal in my marriage and 2)knew there was a snowballs chance in hell that I would get it.
Spoke with 4 law offices today and I have my first appointment at 5:30!Bonnie
I am so glad you are moving forward. And I am really really glad you are interviewing attorneys. 🙂 You are going to be just fine Bonnie. I promise.
You know Bonnie its funny. When I think about a year ago, or a little more, I talked to attorneys. but I wasn’t ready to pull the trigger. It is so different for me now. I can’t wait to talk to the attorney. I find it exciting. It makes me glad. until I get the bill anyway.
I hope your meetings are enjoyable. And I guarantee you this Bonnie Bon Bon — it’s gonna be one HELL of a lot more pleasurable than your marriage counseling session. go get em. 🙂
Bonnie’s post was amazing.
In reading those please take them seriously and completely. In real recovery there isn’t any such thing as “half assed”. Realize that by denying (minimizing) that certain behaviors were not addict behaviors (as he is) prevents him from moving forward in recovery. He has to admit and take responsibility for all behavior with NO EXCUSES. (i.e. I was lonely)
Recovery is like pregnancy to me. You are in it or you aren’t. Just like your pregnant or not. You’re never “sort of” pregnant or “sort of” in recovery. You can TRY to get pregnant just as you can try to learn how to make it to recovery. It might work, it might not. But even if you get pregnant, it takes 9 months to get to the next step. It takes a long time for addicts too. After the baby is born… you never stop learning new things as a parent and hurdling new challenges.
I think ‘real’ recovery is when the judge signs the divorce decree and you walk out of the courthouse a free woman.
I love Kim’s analogy, too.
My husband is in his weekly therapy session (poor thing works on his “stuff” one hour a week). He wrote in his notes fron the last session that his therapist said that he needs to set boundaries for me. Really??? Let’s see…how about these????
1) No one is going to tell me to take my recovery seriously because only I will know when I’m ready to stop screwing grannies and put my family first.
2) No one is going to haul my ass to 12 step meetings because those guys are real sickos.
3). No one is going to take the blame, shame, minimize, and gaslight games away from me. They are my life blood.
…
Deb – I can’t believe your h’s therapist told him to set boundaries for you! What might those be? You are the one to be setting the boundaries. Of course you can’t be sure that is what the therapist said. Steve, with his distorted thinking, came home many times with an entirely different take on what the therapist said to him, or he lied about it to
suit his purpose. My boundary for your husband to be to kick his ass to the curb.
Do you have any contact with h’s therapist? If not, why are you left in the dark as to what the therapist is telling your h? Steve’s therapist made time for me 1X a month to keep me aprised on his progress, and was quite the activist for
my feelings and boundaries. If your h does not give permission to make that happen, I would set your boundary to vamboose.
If you are still entertaining the idea of staying with him, (I haven’t kept up) that should be a must!
HugsHello all,
Well – screw the “letting go with love” crap. I’ve had it.
We went to Happy Hour at our favorite place tonight at 6:30. He said his therapist appt. went really well. They talked about his “dream”. (great). Then – I remember (as I drank my third glass of wine) that the SLAA meeting that he said he was going to go was tonight. I innocently said – “so – are you going to the meeting tonight?” He said – he couldn’t find it last week, so he wasn’t sure”. I got quiet (tried really hard not to get disappointed) and then he said that he still might make it. It obviously wasn’t a priority to him.
He dropped me off at home and I stupidly looked it up on the Internet and called him with the address. He got angry and said “what – are you checking up on me? – don’t you believe me that I tried to find it last week?” Turns out he got the time wrong. He said that “his petulant” teenager was coming out and I should leave him alone.
So – my big question is: “why the f**&&& do I care?” I hate my SAH. I really do. He’s an idiot to be throwing away a life with me and our intact family. His freakin loss.
I’m so over this. I’ve waited far too long for him to “see the light”.
I feel like I’m in the waiting room of one of those Twilight Zone episodes. The doctor isn’t even there.
Deb
You are getting there Deb. I had to get really angry at Steve before I said, “No More.” You will too. I realized why am I putting up with his shit-my life is much more valuable than this. Yours is too. Your husband isn’t worth energy.
GO!
Love you,
Sharron
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