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is there any chance that my sah will just leave.. ? really leave me? he is so unhappy with my every move.. and he conveys it to me all of the time.. and if I let my guard down even for a moment.. like it is Christmas time, he swoops in for the kill.. there is not much I do right in his eyes,, and I guess my only question is if there is any chance that he will just leave .. finally just leave and pursue the life that makes him happy, which is not me.. and the sad thing is that he will never think any of it was his fault.. it will be all my fault.. bc like he said who could put up w someone like me.. anyway, is there a chance that he will just leave on his own?
He is using you to justify his disgusting, perverted behavior. He needs someone to blame. He’ll do it as long as you let him. And until you convince YOURSELF you’re not to blame for his being a pervert, you will let him abuse you. Sometimes, we’d rather believe we’re to blame, because that means we can fix it. The truth is, he’s a monster and you can’t fix it.
Girlie, the abuse stops when we decide the abuse stops. Waiting for him to leave for the abuse to stop is giving him a lot of power that he doesn’t deserve.
he blames it all on me and if he leaves me he said it is my fault too because i drove him to it with him having to put up with my fantasy world.. there is no talking to him .. if I call him, I am controlling.. if I ask for time parameters, then I am the monster that drove him into whomever arms he just left the house to go and be with .. omg.. we had a nice time out at dinner last night.. but I guess it was just not real or that he was mad I threw his pants out or who knows because tonight he is not happy with me at all he hates my guts … and there seems to be nothign I can do about it.. he just left with my van.. and if I call and he does answer, he will jsut say it is my fault too.. and if I don’t call, then I sit here waiting and wondering where he is who he is with.. apparantly , according to his rules, you can’t ask your spouse where they are and when they will be back .. that is out.. and if I don’t greet him at the door, then I am in trouble too.. I am trying hard here.. but it is NOT working.. I am not a monster.. I am nice..
You’re not nice, you’re a doormat.
Did you read what you wrote? STOP!! STOP NOW!!!
Do not call him. Don’t even acknowledge him. Stop feeding the troll.
Better yet, while he’s gone, throw his shit out in the yard and change the locks. Call the cops and swear you are afraid of him.
Sorry if you’re mad at my tirade …. Maybe I’m PMS ‘ing….
It’s sickening to hear you defend yourself against this monster. He’s a pervert. You are the mother of 4? Daughters. Stop this abuse now. Your daughters deserve better.
What Bev said. Listen to her. She is as tough as they come but she is RIGHT. Stop being his whipping post. Especially in front of your precious daughters. Show them strength. Teach them how to be strong and stand up for yourself. Or they will find and marry the same kind of man that daddy is. That is the truth.
What makes you think he’s not happy abusing you? Sorry to be so blunt, but having someone else to blame for your misery, while you suck energy out of everyone surrounding you and whack off at will – that’s not such a bad life for a narc sexual compulsive. He tells you he’s not happy because he knows that in normal world, that gives him leverage. Pity. Who else gets to abuse everyone around them because they didn’t win the “happy life” lottery?
The abuse stops when they have no power, when you are not a possible target. Basically, when you are far, far, far away and have cut every tie to them. It’s not a matter of why they abuse you. It’s a matter of CAN they abuse you. If they can, they will.
Leaving you, that’s work, means finding another scapegoat and losing necessary narcissistic supply. That means being (gasp) inconvenienced. No way. Unless, of course, a better source of supply comes along. By better, I do not mean sexier or richer or nicer, I mean less likely to kick his ass to the curb. That’s your qualifier, with a narc. Sorry. If/when that happens, he’ll be history faster than you can say “what happened?”
He will not leave until you stop serving as his Source of Narcissistic Supply and as his Cover Story. Even then he will not leave until he finds someone else to live off of emotionally and sexually. If he does leave, change the locks and document that he abandoned you, the kids and the house. This is to your advantage in court. Make a list of what you need to feel safe about getting out safely and start checking it off.
thanks ladies for the great advice.. I am better today and am trying not to beat myself up for making myself a target yesterday and it is so eerie to read these posts and think , that is my husband and that is my husband and that is him too.. you would think he would be trying to earn the right to be with me,, the opposite is true.. he keeps telling me I am dellusional and I better get serious help.. I often wonder what it is like to be married to someone who actually loves you.. who looks over at you and smiles or looks at you when you are talking.. lately, in the past few months.. he is on edge , all of the time.. looking all around.. I guess he is waiting for his next chance to jerk off in the bathroom or to screw a prostitute.. wow.. nice guy.. he tells me everyone but me thinks he is a nice guy.. I don’t even know if that is true.. I think as far as couple friends go, people like me .. anyway, thanks for the posts.. they are a wakeup call .. he is gone today working/ === which means I guess at a strip joint, screwing a prostitute or who knows what// ?? and who cares? my daughters and I are glad he is gone.. really.. we wish he would leave us for good.. we can pick up the pieces and move on.. we are lucky.. he cannot.. he won’t even admit that there is a problem….what a big LOSER BALL — monster..
You are grieving right in the middle of this great big mess. You will not be able to think clearly unless he is not around. This energy and focus needs to be on you and the kids. Don’t let it be on him for goodness sake!!!!! Start doing a “plan b”. Protect yourself and the kids. He is counting on you not to do that. Show yourself and your girls how strong you are. If you have moments or even days or weeks of weakness, post here. You are strong. You are capable. You can do it.
“he tells me everyone but me thinks he is a nice guy”
Go get that movie “Gaslight” starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. You will see exactly how these guy do it and be able to relate to how it’s being done to you. This is heartbreaking I’m so sorry.
He is not a nice guy! He will never be a nice guy. RUN RUN FAST!
Good luck and sorry you and your daughters are going through this you deserve better.
Girlie, do you have a therapist? I cannot remember. You really need one sweetheart. One who understands abuse and can help you to free yourself from the monster you are married to. You should not talk to him as it should be clear to you now that he is setting you up in a completely no win situation? You have given ALL your power over to him and you need help to get it back. I hear what all the other sisters are saying and I agree with them. I’m not sure though, that you currently have the strength to implement what they are saying? I think you need help to get to the point that you can take the necessary steps to get rid of him. You don’t seem to understand that the power to stop the abuse lies within yourself. I really think you should contact a domestic abuse hotline and see what resources you could avail yourself of without his knowledge. He has abused you to the point that you are no longer able to see the big picture. It is clear to us but not to you. It needs to become clear to you. You are in a seriously dangerous situation girlie and your husband is a sick, sick man. You need to recognise that the fact that he cheats is the absolute least of your problems. You have to get yourself and your daughters out of that environment as soon as you possibly can and I think you need help to do it. This is not to suggest that you are weak or this is in any way your fault. It is not. But continuing to live with his relentless abuse is going to cause you to deteriorate mentally and you need to build up your mental health instead. Please call a domestic abuse hotline and speak to someone. You need help to REALLY see your husband for what he is instead of what you wish him to be. Hugs Karen
thanks for the post.. I am trying hard,, yes, the abuse has been tough… I don’t want to go to a shelter ,, that does not seem like an answer for myself or my girlies.. you are right.. I do need help.. getting to that point.. I have started counseling about a month ago.. and I have been reading all that everyone here suggested and boundaries.. but I can’t just snap my fingers and get out.. it is not like that.. I have four young daughters here and one of whom is autistic.. with high anxiety and I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years.. it will take a plan… I can’t just walk out and have that be that.. you know what I mean? It is all making sense to me now.. more and more.. but you konw in the middle of the storm,, I am just trying to hold onto my hat.. when he goes to work each day,, I am able to think more clearly, and if he works late,, it is more peaceful here. . but lately, he seems to know I want him to work late,, so he comes home
it is hard to always deflect the abuse too .. it can be so subtle.. like we had a Christmas party here yesterday for family/ neighbors.. and I have a bulletin board with what is your favorite Christmas song.. and my sister said put mine up for me.. sleigh ride instrumental.. and then he said to me , oh you don’t know how to spell instrumental.. let me spell it for you.. looking around laughing .. I have my degree in English.. wtf? I mean I am not the best at math.. but spelling .. yes, I know how to spell instrumental.. anyway, it is hard to explain.. and I said yes, I know how to spell that .. and he just said oh I was kidding.. you have a chip on your shoulder.. so how to I put up a boundary for that? so I wrote it, told him I knew how , and walked out of the kitchen.. not so big of a deal.. but a lot of little things like that all day are hard to deflect.. and why would he do it ? anyway, I can’t just walk out .. where would me and the girlies go.. and my sister said not to leave the house bc the courts frown upon the one that leaves the house.. so I just need some time to process all of this and your posts are all great.. they are!!!! it is like he is always trying to take the winds out of my sails.. I am not a doormat.. but I have been knocked down like you said over and over.. so it is hard.. anyway , thanks for listening.. I am happy when he is at work.. thanks again.. all posts are really super helpful.. I just think it is a process.. both with me and what my plan will be….
girlie-
You don’t have to pick up your girls and move out to a shelter- you can CALL them or go in. I’ve done that a number of times, and they have been very helpful. I would run anything big by an attorney, though. I’ve gotten advice from both the police and the shelter that my attorney told me to absolutely NOT do, FYI. It’s a mess and very hard to tease out the right course of action in these situations. But start talking to people, start processing it, and you will get there.
Right now you can start making copies of financial documents, become familiar with your financial situation, start getting money and credit in your own name, etc. Every little step is taking your power back. You can do it. It doesn’t all need to happen today.You don’t need to go anywhere. You need to get him out of the house. He cheated on you. That’s enough. He leaves.
He can either go get help or not but he does not get to stay and abuse you and those girls.
He is acting insane. That bit about you not being able to spell? That is pure nuts. It’s not even really a “put down” of you. It’s actually him screaming “I NEED HELP”.
Nobody sane does that kind of shit. My H was doing all that crap before I knew he was banging hookers. It took me a year to hire the PI and gather the evidence and figure out he was crazy (not me). I did think he was having some sort of breakdown. Then he tried to convince me it was me that was crazy. I’m just trying to save you the time …. He’s crazy, not you, throw him out.
hi bev.. thanks so much for your posts.. they mean a lot to me.. they do.. they make me sit up and they get my attention.. thanks for not saying I am crazy about the spelling….. not that it matters, but spelling is a thing I do do.. maybe he doesn’t know how to spell.. I have no idea at this point.. hahahaha– I tried saying what one of the sisters posted.. like you should leave, if you think I am insane, then you should leave .. and then he dug his heels in deeper.. and said I refuse to leave .. you leave and leave the girlies here with me.. which of course is totally out of the question..anyway, thanks for the posts.. he won’t leave the house.. I mean he works late, claims to be working on weekends .. ect.. but he would never leave the house.. why does it seem like it is getting worse? I mean it is getting worse.. not just the abuse.. but his whole presentation.. like he is always a bundle of nerves.. he snaps at me and the girls all of the time.. is more impatient and totally insecure of himself.. even though he is such a bully.. like if I say hey, Bridget (my oldest) I like your hair today.. or whatever,, he will say , sure you say it to her, but what about me.. if you loved me, then you would say it to me.. and frankly, I have no reason for not saying it to him.. I just know that 8th grade is an awkward time, so I tell her that.. but he takes it like I am not complimenting him.. WHAT is that all about? he was never like that.. or he says to the kids,, sure you like your mom more than me.. WHAT? because they say oh thanks mommy for cooking dinner or whatever.. anyway, that behaviour is new.. is it because I am finding out or is he just losing it?? I hope he is losing it.. that would be good with me.. and I keep making those cookies to add to his 20 pound weight gain.. I get a big laugh out of it.. terrible I know.. but there are certain cookies , christmas cookies he won’t resist…. I am getting stronger.. I am… a little at a time…. it is a lot of information coming in at once to me… but I like posting and it has been liberating to me in posting and in reading responses.. it has.. and in that I do take power back.. not all.. but a little at a time.. anyway, a special thanks to you bev for your posts.. I really like them and they are freeing to me too…
I’m just glad you’re not mad at me. I have a pretty direct approach 🙂
It is a lot of information and it does take time. While you are processing then just stop talking to the fucker. Answer with yes or no when appropriate and other than that just pretend he isn’t there….
See a lawyer ASAP … He may say he won’t leave but that doesn’t mean he can’t be forced out.
You need some hardcore proof and I’m betting that if you just be quiet and “play nice” and dumb then hire a PI…. BAM…. You will have enough to send him running….
Make it a New Year’s goal…. Hire a PI…
Gaslighting…major…and “asshole behavior” usually means they are acting out behind the scenes. As time goes on you will be able to recognize these behaviors right away. Good idea to hire PI. You can also leave when he starts his bullshit. Take the girls to a movie or whatever makes you happy to get out of the house and get away from him. Make a great big boundry. Tell him you are not going to tolerate his asshole behavior. Do it calmly. Then leave…have a list of things you like to do so to use when you are in the situation. Sometimes its hard to think straight when it is actually happening.
tmp271.. I love that idea and I am going to make a list straight away.. it is hard to think when it is going on.. bc I am usually caught off guard.. it is not like I go to him and start an arugment.. he does things like that spelling comment or worse.. much worse.. and if I ever , ever mention him being a porn addict or cheating, then he goes ballistic about how sick and twisted my thinking are.. I am making up fantasies .. WHAT is he talking about.. so I try to never bring it up until I sort this all out.. but sometimes, it just bubbles up.. but I like your idea of a list.. the other night we went to leave bc of his behaviour adn he said if I left or the girls did that would mean we don’t love him.. WHAT? wtf? anyway, love the idea
GW, the next time you compliment one of your daughters and he tells you that you should be saying that to him look him dead in the eyes and say “Fine. Bridget’s hair looks really nice today” and walk away. 🙂 Stop engaging with him. Gather some evidence. Hire a PI if that’s what it takes. When you have your proof, don’t have a discussion with him about leaving, wait until he goes to work, pack his shit into garbage bags and put it outside, change the locks and leave him a note with his garbage bags that he doesn’t live there anymore and if he has any questions he can ask your lawyer (be sure you have one). But the absolute key first step for you is to STOP. TALKING. TO. HIM.
Thanks Daisy.. ! I appreciate it.. yes, I no longer talk to him on the phone while he was at work… we used to do that.. and a few weeks ago, I just got so fed up with all of the bs.. I just said if you need something, just text it .. pertaining to the kids,, ect…. so now he just texts and it is the best idea I had since sliced bread.. he no longer has to power to hang up on me or yell at me on the phone.. just whatever.. and who knows what he is doing with whom.. right now.. but I don’t call.. don’t call at all about anything.. it is a shame that he is unable to have a real relationship … wtf? now when I look at couples holding hands ect.. I think wow, that will never be me.. sah is not capable of that.. he is spiraling and deteriorating so fast.. it is unbelievable.. his acting out/ abusive has compltely gone off the charts.. so thanks Daisy.. if I ignore him, then he says I am not being nice and I am being abusive.. then what? just keep ignoring.. I guess I just need a little help here with strategies.. I am all about strategies .. I have learned from my Molly who is autistic and spends her afternoons in a snuggle swing when she gets home from school.. I want a snuggle swing! anyway, any thoughts.. he will say it is all my fault. it isn’t about him.. it is about me.. and my bad behaviour. I don’t know I am the one home right now, with the four kids.. got everyone dinner, am doing homework with them as needed, will put to bed.. he claims he is working late. but who really knows what he is doing?? an dhe knows where I am and exactly what I am doing.. he knows I would never leave these kiddos.. he actually calls and says where are u? knowing damn well right I am here iwht the kids.. wtf… anyway, thanks so much
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