when does the abuse stop

And don’t answer any more texts about where you are. He knows where you are.

Send one text back every time “I am the same place you left me”

Or “I am thinking about sex with the UPS guy”. 🙂

Girlie, I didn’t mean for you to leave and go to a shelter. I just meant for you to find someone to talk to about what is happening to you? You want strategies? Domestic abuse therapists have strategies about how to handle an abuser. Go see a lawyer and find out exactly what power you have in your state. If adultery counts, then get a PI. It doesn’t sound like you would have to look very far to catch him cheating? All abusers escalate their abuse once they sense that they are losing control. He actually has NO CONTROL over you other than the control you give him. I could help you to shut the prick down in about 5 minutes BUT….not if there is ANY chance that he will introduce physical abuse into the situation. Has he ever been physical with you or your daughters?

GW,
So glad you are posting here. The sisters are giving you great suggestions and information.

What is so hard is when you are dependent and so intertwined with these abusers, especially as they tank. They know the situation and will use,that,dependency like Chinese thumb torture. So, holding your cards close to your chest is the best idea. It takes practice. You will get better with time.

Some tidbits from my 20 plus years with a SA RAT. I tried nice for a long, long, long time. All it got me was the worst ending ever. He went into total psycho rage the last 6 months of living with him. That was with “expert” therapy for over 15 years that he faked and lied his way through. Still managed to blame me till the bitter, damn end. BASTARD.

Finally, I cracked during the period I was trying to figure out how to get him out. I got really, really sick with acute stress syndrome, a form of PTSD. Used the help of three grown sons and a crises line to strategize getting him out permanently starting immediately because I was so suddenly so sick – traumatized by the abusive atmosphere of fear, blame, the unknown and financial threats. And, I am a very, very nice person. It never mattered to him except to use me as a cover for his double life.

Anyway GW – can you take in what the wise sisters are saying and make a secret safety plan for leaving. Leaving (or arranging to have him leave) is the most dangerous time so don’t give him info so he can make more plans to hurt you.

Just a few weeks ago, I had to lock my schizophrenic, substances abusing brother out of the house I owned on his behalf because he escalated his lying and his abusive (verbal, emotional) to me. In essence he moved out and let drug using transients abuse the house at will and said he was going on vacation. He planned to live somewhere else and let others use his house long term and maybe earn money and drug perks while lying, lying, lying to me. And, blame me for all sorts of things to distract me from the reality of the present. Boy did he let loose. I have been afraid a of him increasingly.

So I am hiding my location from him. I have hired men to take care of his house, I do not intend to go there, ever. I am communicating through a third party permanently so I never have to hear his abusive accusations again.

What I am trying to communicate here is that abusers make us think differently if we are to save ourselves and everything we care about. They will literally destroy everything in their path.

I always thought I would participate in keeping stable housing for my brother, even as he aged. Never dreamed I would lock him out of the very thing that represented how much I cared about him. I am nice. I would never do,that. Right? Well, be the was banking on that…….while he abused me. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.

These drastic solutions and changes are not easy, they take time to put together safely and they are worth the effort. We get used to living in fear and confusion.it,becomes almost impossible to imagine a better existence. This is where good therapy can help.

As you gain insights, don’t,tell him your,pearls,of,wisdom. He WILL find a way to throw it back in your face.

So sorry he is such a selfish, arrogant, asshole. Big fucking bummer.

We are her for you. We like and expect you. Save your good energy for those beautiful girls of yours.

Warm snuggly virtual hugs,
Desiree

It would be awesome to catch him with a pro. Talk about career suicide. Then you’d have some serious leverage, G.

I’m sorry this hurts so much. Through the pain, though, try to take some action.

Of course he says he’s not cheating. Seriously, what idiot is gonna just spew that out to his wife when accused. Ok, there might be one or two but normally they deny. In the words of my husband who used to say this until I did it…..”You ain’t got shit if you ain’t got pictures.”

I’ll tell you what I tell women on domestic violence calls….whether it’s verbal or physical that you are tolerating AND exposing your kids to it does the following-it teaches boys this is how to treat a woman and it teaches girls this what you are expected to tolerate in a relationship and this is love.

Most everyone I’ve either arrested for domestic abuse or helped out of a domestic abuse situation has said they saw one or both of their parents being abused or being abusive to the other parent. And that’s a fact.