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No, not Morton’s Salt – more shit to deal with.
Yes, this will be a bit venty but since I’ve decided to make this my home you guys will get the good, the bad and the ugly of me. Hope you don’t mind.
Right now we have contractors in our house to fix the repair that they caused while replacing the roof. One of the guys dropped a piece of plywood and if came through the ceiling. No biggie, shit happens. Home Depot is covering that cost. I decided to also get the hurricane leak damage repaired while we had contractors in the house. Another $450 down the drain but the mold will be gone. The whole thing turned into a wicked fiasco. The people were late, showed up unprepared, left and then were a no-show until I called Home Depot and raised holy hell. That’s why they are here so late. The one good thing that came of it was that it allowed me to put my property manager hat on, the one I had to retire in 2009 because of my Migraines, and that was loads of fun. So much so that I’m considering, very tentatively, about returning to it.
Add to that the frustration of D’s masturbation and now let’s pile on something else the fact; one of his affair partners has shown her whorish face. Her name is Lu and she’s from Cyber friends and lives in New Zealand. She is his first CF since we were married and the longest affair he had. They did it all – innocent emailing so that she knew details about me and my kids; disgusting emails; IMing; webcam; pic exchange. And, while this affair should hurt a lot more than it actually does at this point in time it really doesn’t. It’s just more of a let down I guess.
Although, I hate that he had such a long relationship with her, it hurts my feelings because she responded to an email he sent her back in April of 2010. In it he said “just because I don’t email you very often doesn’t mean I don’t think of you every day! I miss you. xoxoxo” I know by now that this is his MO to keep the pictures coming from the skanks but it still hurts to see it.
Why am I still looking at his old email accounts? Because I don’t want to have another version of V crop up again. That I know I can’t handle. I cannot handle another woman contacting me directly, stalking me, talking about my kids and what they look like. That would be to much. So, I check his account every other week (sometimes I forget like I did this month) to make sure there’s no one looking for him.
Lu sent two emails this month looking for him. So, instead of me sending out the standard No Contact letter D wrote, I forwarded it to him and told him he needed to take charge this time. It was time for him to step up and own his shit. I told him that he needed to do a specific email to her, especially since there seemed to be not just a sexual connection but an emotional one too despite what he told me. I wanted him to be stern, specific and direct. I didn’t want any room for misinterpretation on her part. I also wanted it done by tomorrow.
Deep Breaths right?
I checked the help wanted ads…there are property management jobs out there….but can I do them with my Migraines as frequent as they are..hmmm…time to do some more thinking!!
Oh honey– Here, D reminds me of a combo of Predator (xoxoxo— gag) and my h, with his cyber affairs. Yeah, that emotional component is a doozy.
its so EASY to miss someone who all she does from NEW ZEALAND is cater to his every little “need”. But, believe me, its not HER that he misses. He doesn’t KNOW her except in the most primitive sense. And he doesn’t love her either.
She’s a prop. A tool. a thing. and that is all; THAT is what he misses. not her. Its just BS they spout out to keep her interested.
how well i know… 🙁
I’ve never had a migraine, but from what I’ve heard you say and other things I’ve read, its sounds pretty intense.
Tell me the truth. Does all of this exacerbate the migraines, even a little bit? Or is there really no rhyme or reason? That was the case when I would get hives and it would drive me nuts when people would say that its cause from “stress.”
no, its just an autoimmune thingy.
Go for the job. You can do it, SS and I think it’ll give some peace of mind, even if your head hurts. Its gonna hurt, anyway. right?
xo ~ L
Hi SS,
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I was questioning a little about the bad dreams you were having and saying that they were a side effect of SOS. However not many womens h’s on here are having slips. Are some worried, of course, its just logical. So then i became worred that you were blaming sos for the bad dreams…and i was worred.
Do we have bad dreams after we watch a horror film? I do i cannot sleep. Saying that maybe so. But it is importatant to figure out what is truely coming from where. And the minute you start making excuses for anyone or anything…becareful. You may be crossing the line for trouble. Often in our relationship with the addict we have been excusing thing up the wazooo. Its easier to say my h had sex with 200 other women and prostitutes..but he has an addiction was abused in childhood, he is an intimacy anorexic…than just he cheated on you 200 times with other women and hookers. We make excuses, to develope a way to cope, and in some way life with all of this in our minds. Sometimes the just plain truth hurts.One of the most important things in this all…is to listen to ourselves. Not the h, not the therapist, not us on here…but to yourself. I like to think that we give options, think outside of the box, but in the end you go with what works and what feels right for you.
I do not like how somehow you are put in the middle of this thing with him and his women. This is a bad place for you to be an is causing further damage. Why has the h not taken care of this?
The masturbation is an issue. My h was still masturbating after d-day number one, hence he never stopped. He figured it was not a problem. I think many recommend a period of absitnance…to cycle down…and for them to realize they can LIVE without it. Many have this preconceived notion that if they do not have sex as much as they want they will die. Sex after all is the most important need of a sex addict. Unf. it is not his wife or his family.I think some adjustments need to be made to get you out of the middle? Remove yourself a little more from his therapy and progress…if possible. Be careful making excuses for him, they are more than capable of making excuses on their own..you do not need to fuel the fire. Take his actions at face value for what they are, your gut reaction. Because once things enter into your head…it gets distorted…and we most often may even blame oursleves in the end.
The JOB …go for it. I think one of the best things you can do in all of this is take care of yourself. If you get a job..not only are you making new friendships, you are ganing experiance, using your mind and you will feel good about yourself. Do it. I don’t think you will have any regrets. However you may regret not getting a job.
I will hope for the best for you!
Love, FloraSS,
I agree with Lexie and Flora. (Maybe my new screen name should be Ditto, because sometimes that’s all I can think of to write. :)) This is such a shitty life with an SA. (I’m going through a bad phase right now. Can you tell, lol?)
I say go for the job. I have migraines too, and they are a bitch. Thank God for Imitrex. Have you tried any prescriptions with your Doctor. I know some people don’t have success. For me, it was a miracle.
Sending love your way,
ZGThe migraines can also be a side effect of the stress and hell of SA has brought into your life. Your body is under an incredible amount of pressure. Its bound to break somewhere. Be carefull with yourself.
Love,
FloraHi All,
Thank you guys so much for your support. Yeah, the Migraines do suck ass. I’ve had them since I was 15 and they escalated long before D entered the picture. I lost my career as a property manager making kick ass money and now work part time as a paper pusher and even that’s a chore on some days. Thats why I’m so nervous about leaving the job where I am, I can call in once a week when I’m in to much pain to focus on driving and not worry about it. When things like this arise it depends on how I sleep since sleep is a trigger for me. I already had a Migraine yesterday, it didn’t really matter this time around. But, there have been times where the weather was fine (I’m triggered by the barometric pressure too) and I slept great the night before and then D and I have a rough day and I sleep terribly that night and it triggers a Migraine. Then, there are other times that everything is just fine and *poof* Migraine. Perfume is my arch enemy. So is bleach. They can trigger a Migraine in an instant!
I worked with a Migraine Specialist in Dallas for two years but that was costing a fortune so I had to stop seeing him. I was a moderator on a Migraine forum for over a year but gave it up once i went back to work. I could go on forever about Migraines, but, I digress.
I think my post my have been misunderstood maybe I wasn’t clear enough?
The email from Luu was from this past week; she attached an email from D from April of 2010 – so they haven’t had any contact since August of 2010; his first DDay. I don’t want anyone thinking that he had recent contact with her or anyone else.
Flora,
You bring up many good, thought provoking comments. As for why he wasn’t contacting the women directly himself (get comfy, I ramble) – Back on his final DDay I had a KL installed on his computer but it wasn’t activated yet because I didn’t know the password. I opened all of his jpegs of porn and froze the computer so it would cause a reboot. We had a huge argument and I left the house and accessed the KL and saw he had one secret email and that’s how I found out about the affairs. He was erasing the evidence. Then, he moved onto the other two. So, I stayed in the parking lot down the street as he deleted all the evidence just devastated. I waited until he was done and then came home. I never said a word. I took out the apartment brochures I already had from finding out about him lying about the porn earlier in the day (week? I can’t remember now) and he left for awhile. When he finally came home, he had written down all three email addresses, with their passwords and the passwords to his computer along with the password to his regular email account (all of which I already had thanks to the KL) and confessed he’d been using his “broken” computer to access adult sites too. That computer went into the dumpster down the street. That was the beginning of his DDay hell week. I changed all of the passwords to his email accounts so that only I could have access to them. I had him draft a No Contact letter in case any of his whores contacted him. Only a handful did and I sent out the letter from his email account. I didn’t allow him to have access to his old account. It was still getting emails from sites like Hookup Hotel; Pantyhose Fetish; etc and I didn’t want the temptation of him being lured back into contact with another whore. However, when V contacted me on FB (she’s the stalker chick who is putting me through hell right now), he did the NC letter himself and now he’s done this one and he’ll be doing them from here on out. I think it’s time to remove myself, just like you said.
He drafted the email yesterday and it sucked ass. It was to generic. We had such a rough morning talking about how I felt about what I read and with him explaining exactly what Lexie said (and what my rational brain already knows) that she’s merely another object and he fed her what she needed to hear to make sure she’d keep sending pictures if he ever desired them plus he got a thrill from seeing the emails in his inbox. He also explained it had gotten to a point that they rarely emailed at all. (She’s from Czech not New Zealand). That in the beginning they were hot and heavy (barf) but then became friends but then when he wanted to web cam he’d feed her some bullshit lines and she’d fall for it. He said he’s ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior and most of all, hates what it does to me. I guess if you talked to Lex you’d see he truly is on the road to recovery.
I’m not sure what you mean by having bad dreams from SOS. Maybe that was someone else? I was concerned that I was allowing other peoples opinions and problems bleed into my marriage and my own recovery and had to take a break from here for awhile.
Masturbation is definitely an issue and one that will not be tolerated by me. He has decided to add it to his inner circle and bottom line behaviors and talk to his sponsor about it too. I’m proud of him for that because yesterday he didn’t seem to think it was a problem because his buddies in SAA don’t think it is either. Even if he had decided not to add it to his inner circle; the behavior it caused will not be tolerated by me. I know now I deserve better, I don’t know what happened to me in 2009 (my hell year) that allowed me to put up with his shit, but it won’t happen again!! ***Hope I don’t come off to bitchy but this gets my hackles raised a bit
I had detached myself from his recovery for the last few months and it was hard. In the beginning I was a dictator and thought I knew everything. then I started in with the “Did you do this” crap. While I’m still under the opinion that he isn’t going at his recovery with any type of gusto, now that I’ve backed off, he’s gotten a sponsor and started on his steps. But, I’m a NYer and have little patience so I wanted it NOW!! The only thing I wanted was a check in which I didn’t get. I only know about his sponsor because he was so excited about it on Friday he wanted to share it with me and let me know he had gotten the guy he wanted, married with kids and sober for a few years.
I’m interested to hear what you have to say about gut instinct because thats what I go on now. Aside from no longer trusting what he says and only trusting what I see; I also follow my gut and it’s been right almost every single time. I find it fascinating!! Once I found those pictures of him on his computer something just clicked inside me like a switch. The old me was back. Independent SS. My gut instinct kicked in and I listened and I haven’t stopped. So, I’d love to hear what you think.
Oh, one more thing – I’m on disability for my Migraines – they are that bad…just an FYI; when I get them I end up in the ER for magnesium IV therapy and steroids and stuff. I’m so sorry you’re a fellow Migraineur ZG 🙁
Hugs and love,
SS
Hi SS,
When did the migraines start?
I most recently have had headaches that are really bad light bothers me…however i am about stressed to the max right now, but handling it pretty well. The divorce…it just need it to be over at this point. But I am curious if the migrainies are life long …or started at a certain point.It must have been someone else with the dream then. I can see how the anxiety of others and others stories…may strike a cord, and put a crappy mood about…I used to have dreams where my h cheated and of course woke up extremely angry at him…and would just be a crab the rest of the day usually. How much is warranted and how much is not? I don’t know. I had these dreams repeatedly.
I can see why you are where you are with the emails. I just think it best as possible to put the burden on him as much as you can for all of this. I don’t like to see a wife haveing to hold up part of the burden. And each time one of them contacts him/you…you have to clean it up. And that drags up all sorts of past for you. While if you do it, you know it will be done right, however if he does it he is shifty. But its his problem.
Everything i have read, and this is really a shock to me…but many authors which write about abusive relationships and being in relationships which are just plain bad…is to trust your gut. What does your gut tell you…? They say not to make excuses for the h or the offender. That as soon as things go up into your head and your rationalize or make excuses..your sunk. Your initial instinct or thought is the right one. The well he does xyz because xyz poor baby. You then doubt yourself and your thoughts…for the thoughts he wants you to have or what others wnat you to have…or the thoughts that make the situation bearable. When dating we do this as well..we make make excuses…i’m to beautiful, i was to strong for him, it would not have worked out anyway..its easier to stomach this than …he cheated. This is just an example. However i think we do it in other situations.
I say trust your gut. And the better you get at trusting your gut and the more you follow it…you will be set free. Because once you start listening to you (your inner self). Things will start happening for you. I don’t know how, but its true. Things shift back into allignment. I say trust your gut and what you feel is best for you.
For me i never tracked my h until the addiction was known. thre few times i did find stuff was bu shear coincidence, fell out of his wallet, pressed play on the media player, cleaning up the house…i never once looked, nor did i ever fell i had to. But i was wrong. But somehow the signs and his addiction were revealed.
Trust your gut, its the best you got!!
Love,
FloraHi Flora,
The Migraines started when I was 15. I’m fairly certain that they are somehow related to my harmones but the neurologists don’t seem to agree. They got progressively worse the older I got and each time I was pregnant, I did great. When I turned 33 or so they became weekly. Stress isn’t really a factor for me as much as you’d think. My first husband died when I was 27 and I was left with a 5 & 3 year old to take care of. My Migraines didn’t get any worse and were still only once a month or so. Plus the career field I was in was very stressful and I LOVED it!! I figure when I hit menopause in 10 years I’ll be golden 🙂
I didn’t track D either until my gut told me something was off about his claim that he wasn’t looking at porn without me. Then I started paying attention to what he had at the bottom of his screen and sure enough, it was porn sites. Then when I gave him a kiss goodbye one morning, I just felt “something”. I can’t explain it. I’d had the KL software for awhile but didn’t want to be “that girl” so I never installed it. But that morning, I installed it and couldn’t finish it without his blasted password. That’s why I trust my gut now.
It’s also how I know he’s on a good path right now. I have faith in him. I know that he’s going to have rough patches as he stumbles through, but now that he’s finally gotten a sponsor I think things will be better for his recovery.
Plus, I think for me, I’m growing stronger in myself. It’s definitely a roller coaster of a ride. It’s such a tough path to choose to stay and try to make it work but if I can learn and always remain aware then I’ll be that much stronger. And, if it turns out that he breaks my boundary agreement, then at least I know I gave it a shot and I can walk away.
Love,
SS
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