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first of all. I LOVE Y’ALL !!! Would like to bounce some ideas off the group–
SAH cx ticket to Brazil. Says does not want divorce. And is now committed to recovery — (I know don’t laugh).
Now, a call from him this a.m saying –‘He appreciates me being so good to him lately. being so cooperative. it really helps him in being objective about his addiction. when i am being nice and friendly toward him, he feels good. and it forces him to look and own his behavior, instead of blaming me for his unhappiness, and need to ao or whatever.”
Now. Having peace in my home, and not hating / loathing his guts and replaying his horrendous treatment of me through my head all day, is better for me.
I have been here before. It is all very familiar. He says it is “different” this time. Last year, I went through several months of a recovery effort, only for him to go off the rails. What is different this time?
Me. and what i want out of life. I will never see him as the same man I married. and even if that were possible–what about the 9 yrs stolen from my life as a false husband? false marriage? i don’t think any amount of therapy or apologies or recovery– will recover what was taken from me.
3 weeks max. btw, I still need time and money and strategy, before I make a more prominant move.
1. Forget about any timetable made in reference to him and his recovery. What happens, happens.
2. Use this non-crazy time to create YOUR plan for YOUR life with YOUR child.
3. Start with the money. Stash it, hide it. Siphon some off.
4. See a lawyer and ask what are good steps to do before telling him your are filing. Do those things.
5. If you can’t stay where you are, start looking for your get-away place.
6. Job plan, very NB.
7. This is all about you taking back the control that he can’t be trusted with. If he gets well—that’s just lovely. But when he doesn’t, you will not be in the same place as you always are.
8. don’t tell him anything.
thanks for these well thought out steps of action.
Diane, I have started to stash money. Underway.
never in a million years’ will I mention my plans.
Job — have one. is secure. pays enough for me to support myself.mY real issue is start up capital. for firt/last/security. there is a great apt bldg just 2 blocks from house. wb perfect and safe. affordable.
attorney’s have agreed that is to my advantage to file for sep or divorce, BEFORE I move. my reluctance has been his reaction when I do this, given the history. a custody plan should be in place prior to any address changes.
Perhaps I file and find a low cost hotel for a few weeks, until a better plan can be had.
Well done. You are in a better position than you. Can you get some money from family members?
I just recently asked my mother for some money—first time in a thousand years. But I had this feeling that she wanted to find a place in this new life I’m living, I asked her. She was ecstatic! How unexpected was that? So it may be different for you, of course, but sometimes worth testing the waters, especially for first and last month rent.You asked, “What is different this time?”
When giving our spouses second, third, and tenth chances… that is the question. Same ole promises. Same ole story. Seen and heard it all before. The only way to make change is to make CHANGES, If it’s all a rerun, there is no change and NOTHING is different “this” time.
What is different this time? If the answer is “nothing”, one can assume you’ll only see the same results.
Pam – I admire your plan. I’m a newbie at this – how do you girls find out about relapses? I’m new to this game. (Eblaster?)
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