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Just to remind you, my H failed a polygraph this past summer but still swears he hasn’t done anything–no slips, no relapse. He claims the ONLY thing he still has an issue with is fantasy, but he is able to shut that down when his mind goes there. Confused about the poly results and his claims of innocence, I asked that he resume going to meetings and therapy, things he had stopped doing. He refused, so I filed for divorce and our divorce should be final before Christmas. The last time I posted about current events here, I told you he had called me a “f-ing whore” for telling my adult children the reason for the split. Since then, he has started going to meetings again. He said he realized that being “sober” was not enough–that he needed to work on his ego and his anger. His revelation occurred just as I was coming to accept that my marriage was over and I should move on, just as I was beginning to feel some relief along with my sadness. OK. So my 22 and 24-yr-old daughters and my 19-year-old son have not seen him since they learned the truth. By T-giving, they’d had a couple of weeks to process the difficult information and I’d told them he’s finally started back into recovery. As angry as these kids were, they love him and love our family. They want their little sister to be spared a divorce. So on Thanksgiving, they were incredibly generous, making it clear to him that they still love him and want him in their lives (He raised them). Everyone, including my mother, treated him kindly, pretty much as though nothing had changed. And did he grasp the magnitude of this fact? Did he tear up with relief and humility and gratitude? Did he take the opportunity to sit down with the kids and talk to them, allow them to say the things they needed to say? Um, no. He was too angry that my oldest daughter brought her (well-behaved) dog with her from Augusta, because it’s “against the rules,” and he was still angry that the 22-year-old cancelled a check for money she owed him once she found out all he’d done (“I’d say he owes ME,” she concluded). He couldn’t get past his petty all-about-him bullshit. Unbelievable. We went around the table and everyone said what they were thankful for, except him.
Hi March,
He’s not going to change. I know you know this. At some level it’s more than the addiction and then add family on top of it and it’s complex. I feel I’ve taken most of the fallout from this whole thing. My future is uncertain, I don’t have a job, my kids hover around my h, I have PTSD, I feel overwhelmed. It’s unfair however somehow I know it’s what needs to happen. My life is changing 180 and it feels odd and healthier at the same time.PS Having been away from him for 8 months and halfway through a non friendly divorvce which likely is headed to trial, I would never go back to his insanity. I don’t know who he is, don’t trust him, and we were married 25 yrs. Found out a yr ago Oct. Nothing he does or doesn’t do suprises me anymore.
We had decided he could stay in the house as long as he was going to meetings, etc., and we’d see what happened. After Thanksgiving, though, I’ve changed my mind. He was wrapped in love by this entire hurt, baffled family, and he was immune.
I would definitely move forward with your plans! It sucks but you will be oh, so glad you did it, GF! You deserve Sooo much more!!!!
March,
I hate it so much for you and your family that you have to experience this. What an ass. I just don’t understand how he could not see and use this opportunity to try and reach out to everyone who was obviously trying to show encouragement. They really just do not get it. I have had so many similar experiences where I thought that maybe, just this once, he might just show some humbleness in the face of what has happened. NOPE! nadaa!! Not gonna happen. They are incapable. REALLY!! It still is hard for me to wrap my mind around it. But when I read things like what you had to say, and it reminds so much of similar things that happened here, it brings me closer to the truth. Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
March you seem like a lovely lady with a beautiful family. Be strong in believeing in yourself. You are worth it, and you will be OK. We will be OK. It is time to let them be accountble for his actions. And I don’t mean just their sexual actions. I mean their behavior that shows that the only one that he really is thinking about is himself. He is going to be angry right now after all of this shit? NO WAY!!!! I can’t deal with that shit!!!
March, I’m with ya!!!!!
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Well March,
If they were not pathologically selfish AHoles…how on earth would they be able to do the horrific things they do and still look in the mirror?? From what I can see they EXPECT to be given special privileges in life as in they can do ANYTHING they want and no one is supposed to react negatively in response to their atrocious behavior?? As I said….AHoles!
Karen xxThat is awesome that your kids and mom treated him decently on Thanksgiving. You raised them right. Too bad he doesn’t have as much class. And wow, he has no humility at all!!! Imagine yourself in his shoes. I would have been so humble and grateful to be allowed to join my family for Thanksgiving. Shame would have probably kept me from even attending.
Good thing they have their giant egos. Hopefully it will keep them from crashing and burning when this is over.I just finished reading the Hunger Games series (so good!). I am convinced we are all married to the Capitol’s mutts!
~nasty evil mutations of former people.
hugs
Heidi
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